Partners ex making our wedding difficult

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I don't know if I'm on here for advice but maybe stay just to rant really.

Me and my partner get married next week :-) my partner has a daughter from his last relationship who is 3.

We are getting married in a hotel. We had arranged for partners ex to pick dd up from the hotel between 8 and 9pm. This was going to be great so she gets to experience the full day with us and then she would get picked up and go home with her mum. We know by the time it's 8pm she will be absolutely shattered and ready for home.

However now dps ex has changed that, she wants to pick her up at 5pm. She says this is the way it has to be. Her words were 'why should I spend my night waiting around to pick her up from your wedding, I'm getting her at 5 and that's that.'

So basically dsd is going to miss out on the whole evening reception with a bouncy castle, fireworks, food and cake, the disco - our first dance was going to include her.

Dp doesn't really have any family she could stay with as to be honest he isn't that close too them so the only option is dsd stays with us in the bridal suite on the night of the wedding. Which obviously isn't what we had planned. And it means that one of us will have to leave early to put her to bed.

Dps ex has just recently split with her most recent boyfriend - I think. And ever since then she's just been horrible with us. It's a jealousy thing for sure. She's started putting kisses on the end of texts to my dp. I've never done anything to her and helped her out quite a lot with childcare to be honest. We always have dsd when we are supposed too and more when we can. He pays his maintenance and to be honest, dp is still paying off some of her debt from when they were together :-/

She picked dsd up from us the other day and dp asked if we could have her an extra day so we could get her bridesmaid dress fitted properly. The exs response was (right in front of my face) 'you know her size, you don't need her for that so no you can't have her any extra time' she then literally shoved dsd in her car seat, slammed the car door and drove off. We could see dsd in tears.

I knew she was going to make his difficult for us. I knew she would change the plan we had which worked so perfectly for us. At the end of the dad we will happily have dsd to stay in our room on the night of the wedding and do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't miss out on anything. It's just so frustrating that the ex is like this.

When we told her the date of the wedding months and months ago she said 'dsd can't go, I've made plans for her that day' lol. Always trying to make things difficult.

Anyway rant over

Sorry to hear that OP, to be honest I'm not sure how much more your soon to be DSD would get out of the hours between 5-8pm though? Especially as she doesn't really know what to expect at a wedding.

So I'd be tempted to agree with the pick up to run the day smoothly. And make a big fuss of her during the hours you have her.

Other options could be:

Hire a nanny for the evening to put her to bed and stay with her so you can enjoy the night? Does the hotel run a service?

Is she in a nursery where one of the care workers could come and earn a bit of pocket money? We had a couple of ladies at my DS's nursery that enjoyed earning a bit of cash that way, and DS knew and loved them so he enjoyed being looked after by them.

Or a family member on your side who can go up with her, and play in the room? Who will help her through the ceremony for example, and through the meal?

It's ridiculous that your future DH would have to go up to bed in the middle of your evening reception. I agree it sounds like a way to be super awkward, fuelled by jealousy.

Good luck on you special day. Rise above all the drama and make plenty of plans in case she continues to play up. For sure the next thing will be some sickness or other and she won't attend. Be prepared!

Let her pick her up at 5.

She will be shattered but at 3yo she will also be so excited by it all that she will probably easily party all night, so you won't have to leave early to put her to bed. I know it's not ideal having her stay with you in the bridal suite but it is an option.

Is she close to your parents? Could they have her in thier room?

She could possible stay with my mum - this is an option. But my mum has my 2 children so I would feel abit bad by adding another one on to her lol. To be honest, I did think we will just let her go at 5 but it's my partner that's obviously more gutted. He wants his daughter to be with him through it all which I completely understand.

Through the day part of the wedding it will be me and dp who are looking after her. Obviously me in the morning getting ready and both of us during the wedding breakfast.

I don't think there is anyone we could hire to be honest. I know my mum won't mind having dsd in the room too on the night however - the ex probably won't have that either. So what do we do there?

She won't be happy with dsd staying in a room with my mum. I don't know, I just honestly cannot stand that woman at the moment. The look she gave us when she got out of the car to pick up dsd was awful. Her attitude towards my partner was disgusting. The other week she slammed the car door on his arm and bruised it when he asked her something about the wedding. I do understand it's not easy for her but....omg I just cannot stand her lol.

One thing is for sure though, we will not be letting her ruin our day in anyway. :-)

What an absolute bitch!

Sounds like massive sour grapes. It's up to your partner to sort though, not you. I'd negotiate say 7pm or something. She's only 3 so it's a lone day.

It's a bit odd to ask ex to come and pick up dd up from the wedding it's basically making her pop by the wedding.

I would have just had the dd for the night and dropped her off next morning.

Nasty cow!
Several options:

1. Tell her dsd will be staying with you in the bridal suite. But ask your mum to have her.
2. Tell dp to her if she causes problems, he will carry on and pay maintenance but not contribute towards her debts.

People this nasty only understand if you are nasty back.

And remember although you can't stand her, your dp loved her enough to have a family with her.

Has your DP ever told her to grow the hell up and move on? lol i don't understand how some people act the way they do and not feel embarassed about it.

Whilst I can see it from your point of view as well, I do think you're rubbing her nose in it a bit asking her to come to the wedding to collect her daughter. Could someone not take her home instead?

Yes it's definitely rubbing her nose on it, making her come and get dd from your wedding. Won't it take the shine off the day when she pops in? Who wants their ex dropping in at their wedding.
'oh whose that?'
'oh the grooms ex, mother if his child, come to pick her up"🙄

From the start of our wedding prep, she's been adamant she would pick up dsd. We always had it planned the she would stay with us but the ex didn't want that so we just went along with her picking dsd up.

I found it strange too, I mean she obviously won't come inside the venue by my dp is still going to have to see her all dressed in his suit. The front of the venue will have a massive sign outside saying 'mr & Mrs smith' (not our actual surnames there!) and a red carpet leading into the venue with it all being decorated. It's worrying me what that will do to her to be honest.

I knew she would leave it until just before though to change everything. That's why she was always adamant from the start about collecting her daughter - so she could change it at the last minute.

We aren't having children at the venue other than our own until 5pm. So basically all children are going to come at 5 when the bouncy castle is up, the sweet cart is out, bubble machine, out door games etc and poor dsd will be going home.

As I'm typing this, I'm realising it's not happening. She will just have to stay with us and we will sort it. Silly cow will not win!

Please see my below comment, we didn't ask her to come and pick up dsd :-( we never wanted her too, she said she wanted too from the start. The last thing I want is to rub her nose in it. I just want her to bloody grow up and move on to be honest. X

So what will happen, she'll arrive, tell reception she's there they will find your dh and dd and he will take her out? How awkward! groom disappears to sort childcare with ex is not what you want at the wedding. It's highly inappropriate for her to drop by for any reason. I wouldn't have agreed to this. Have dd for the whole weekend instead.

To be honest, she's clearly doing to say 'I'm still here, im still in his life too' sort of thing. I've always thought that in the back of my mind but because we would struggle with family looking after dsd we just thought it might be the best thing. None of dps family are staying at the hotel. It's only us and my mum that are staying over.

Anyway she can stay with us anyway, we will see what happens if dp speaks to her today all he gets is attitude from her so I'm guessing she won't back down

Lol she won't come in. She will be there at 5 on the dot. Dp would of just nipped outside and then come straight back in again.

Just have dsd overnight. She will
Be excited and stay up late. Bring a buggy or cosy blanket and she can crash in that. No need for anyone to go to bed early.

She sounds very much like my dp's ex!! Jealous jealous jealous

Watch out you are allowing this woman to have far too much power over your emotions!

If she wants to spite her child and take her early then you should allow this. Do not resist her, just say fine no problem.

She will be thrilled at the thought of you both having a toddler in with you on your wedding night - why allow her to achieve the aim

Going forward I would never deviate from the contact schedule, I would not pay her debts and if she is difficult I would get a contact order via the courts

So many men are held to emotional ransom by their ex and contact - it annoys their current wife and plays havoc with any decent marriage.

Put your foot down now

And remember although you can't stand her, your dp loved her enough to have a family with her. This bullshit is only ever levelled at men with horrendous exes and step mums.

Would you say the same thing to a woman who was slating her ex, either because he'd changed or she'd finally seen the light? It's utter bollocks 2014newme and you're clearly here to stick the boot in to the OP and give her a hard time when she's done nothing wrong. Naff off.

She sounds like a delight! Very much the jealous ex there I think

I can completely understand while your dh to be would want his dd at his wedding for the whole day and imo that should be allowed to happen as his is the father. I don't agree with the ex being spiteful at all but I think I would agreee to the 5pm pick up, by that point dd will of enjoyed the "important" part of the day and will of hopefully really enjoyed the day so she tell mummy all about it on the way home.

Your dp is marrying you, it's you he has chosen to make vows to and spend his life with so don't let a jealous ex ruin your day

We ALL will be watching our children throughout the day, we haven't instructed anyone on who watches who. The day part of the wedding is very small and intimate so there will be no need to sort of dictate who watches who. It will be most likely me watching all 3 of them lol.

My first thought was dps mum could possibly stay with dsd although she is struggling with her arthritis at the min so I wasn't sure if she could manage. I rang the other day and its fully booked :-(

I've just rang dp about it and said the responses I've got off here. We have just decided to have dsd with us. I never thought of the buggy idea - don't know why - so if she does get tired then we can try get her to sleep in that.

As for the ex, she is a bloody pain in the bum to be honest. All this is because her latest relationship hasn't worked out - because he was addicted to weed apparently- and she tried to turn to my dp for a shoulder to cry on a couple of weeks ago. He obviously wasn't there for her like she wanted him to be she she's threw her toys out of her pram and done this.

Just to be clear, we are a million percent not trying to rub her nose in it at all. When we stared arranging the wedding she was more than happy (and adamant) to come and collect dsd. At this point she was fine and said 8/9pm would be fine. She said that ment me and dp could have our night without worrying who dsd stays with etc. She was great to be honest.

I have no idea if she's changed her mind because of her relationship breaking down or if she always had it planned to change the plans at the last minute.

Either way, it's fine. There's always going to be stresses on everyone's wedding day - this just happened to be ours. Thank you for everyone's advice x

And remember although you can't stand her, your dp loved her enough to have a family with her

What utter crap. 😂😂😂

Next time we have a poster on mumsnet moaning about a bastard male ex, I'll be sure to say well you loved him enough to have a child with him

Bottom line is He doesn't love his ex now ( if he ever did, we don't know how he felt about her) and she is just being bitter by not letting her dd stay at the wedding

Thanks AnnelovesGilbert - just to point out, the reason they split was because 2 weeks after giving birth to their daughter, do found it she had been messaging other men. She then ordered a load of stuff off his credit card (£3000 worth) and kicked him out - on his birthday of all days. So yeah he maybe did love her at one point but thank goodness he found what she was really like x