Partners ex making our wedding difficult

[user1498556293]

I don't know if I'm on here for advice but maybe stay just to rant really.

Me and my partner get married next week :-) my partner has a daughter from his last relationship who is 3.

We are getting married in a hotel. We had arranged for partners ex to pick dd up from the hotel between 8 and 9pm. This was going to be great so she gets to experience the full day with us and then she would get picked up and go home with her mum. We know by the time it's 8pm she will be absolutely shattered and ready for home.

However now dps ex has changed that, she wants to pick her up at 5pm. She says this is the way it has to be. Her words were 'why should I spend my night waiting around to pick her up from your wedding, I'm getting her at 5 and that's that.'

So basically dsd is going to miss out on the whole evening reception with a bouncy castle, fireworks, food and cake, the disco - our first dance was going to include her.

Dp doesn't really have any family she could stay with as to be honest he isn't that close too them so the only option is dsd stays with us in the bridal suite on the night of the wedding. Which obviously isn't what we had planned. And it means that one of us will have to leave early to put her to bed.

Dps ex has just recently split with her most recent boyfriend - I think. And ever since then she's just been horrible with us. It's a jealousy thing for sure. She's started putting kisses on the end of texts to my dp. I've never done anything to her and helped her out quite a lot with childcare to be honest. We always have dsd when we are supposed too and more when we can. He pays his maintenance and to be honest, dp is still paying off some of her debt from when they were together :-/

She picked dsd up from us the other day and dp asked if we could have her an extra day so we could get her bridesmaid dress fitted properly. The exs response was (right in front of my face) 'you know her size, you don't need her for that so no you can't have her any extra time' she then literally shoved dsd in her car seat, slammed the car door and drove off. We could see dsd in tears.

I knew she was going to make his difficult for us. I knew she would change the plan we had which worked so perfectly for us. At the end of the dad we will happily have dsd to stay in our room on the night of the wedding and do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't miss out on anything. It's just so frustrating that the ex is like this.

When we told her the date of the wedding months and months ago she said 'dsd can't go, I've made plans for her that day' lol. Always trying to make things difficult.

Anyway rant over

I'm with you. She's just being an awkward arse.

If you can sort out childcare, have her all night (the do) your partner needs to be assesrtive (as I've already said)

How about employing a baby sitter. you could out her to bed in the bridal suite and then when asleep leave the babysitter on the room with her while you go to the party or if she is ok they could take her to bed. have a new cuddly toy to take her to bed with. When you arrive back she should be asleep for any night-time activities ( in my experience your both to knackered for that kind of thing anyway and it normally the second night of the honeymoon till you gte round to that lol). Another idea is asking someone to drive her to her mums after the reception . Mum sounds like a jealous horror denying her daughter the joy of this day and it sounds like she is getting a lovely step mum. We are a blended family and my ex helped my son with a surprise for me on the day and his band recorded a song for our mum/son dance. At his wedding we all went and myself and his new wife got so drunk we ended up in the bridal suite with me helping her to the loo . life is to short for arguments and jealousy especially when children are involved.

Despite all she's put you through, the way you've talked about her on this thread has shown that you DO empathise, so don't listen to those judgemental people who don't read beyond a few basic sentences.

You sound like you've tried to be as accommodating as you can be and you're trying to make sure your DP's daughter is as included and welcome during your wedding as possible.

Maybe she's hurting a lot right now, but you have to judge someone harshly who uses their own child to hurt their ex DP.

If she wants to spite her child and take her early then you should allow this. Do not resist her, just say fine no problem.

She will be thrilled at the thought of you both having a toddler in with you on your wedding night - why allow her to achieve the aim*

^^ I echo what QuiteLikely said.

I would never give her the satisfaction of knowing that you were going to have his daughter in the bridal suite with youse. You are supposed to have loud drunken sex on your wedding (or watch your DH passed out on the bed from too much drink) but you wont be able to do that with the toddler in the room.
You give into her now and she'll keep doing this.

1. let her pick her up at 5pm and say to her sorry you'll be miss all the balloons and cake.
2. tell the ex she can sleep in your mum's room if not then definitely option 1. Don't let the bitch win.

She cheated on him ? Have not RTWT

Basically fuck it - have an amazing day and don't let this bother you if at all possible

If she leaves at 5pm
So be it m
She is clearly not going to try and help out so accept , move on and let your husband handle it ! It's his kid

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar and unfortunately she is in your life so the more coping strategies you have / the better no ?

Have a lovely wedding

She doesn't sound very pleasant in how you describe her but I would be a bit miffed at having to hang around until 8pm to pick up my DD from ex's wedding, get her home probably over tired and sort her out for bed so everyone else can continue the party.

I would much prefer picking up at 5/6 and putting DD to bed properly.

Pay for an overnight babysitter, it may cost but as a percentage of the wedding to pay would be small and keep things simple. Does the child go to nursery - ask if someone there wants to be an evening guest and babysit, as they would be qualified, checked and know the child. You'd need a room though

@izzyharvey, so what if she has to hang around til 8, this wedding is a one off they help out when they can why can't she return the favour this once? Or can she not wait til after 8pm to have a drink as that what it sounds like too.

I'm completely with OP on all this. I've been through hell with my Dp's unhinged ex (And they didn't even have kids together) some exes just make things so complex to satisfy themselves.

My ex p gets married next month to a lovely lady, it's abroad and they hopefully with have a great future together. I'm pleased he has found happiness. I just can't understand why people can't just be grown ups xx

Well today is the day we asked if we could have dsd for the last bridesmaid dress fitting - she said no last week - i said in an earlier post she said 'you know her size so no you aren't having her'. So I just left it at that, hoping the bridesmaid dress will be ok. It will be I'm sure, it was too big and it's been altered in comparison to a dress we have of dsds at home which fits her lovely.

However, I am here now it the fitting place - the appointment was at 9am. Dp got a phone call at precisely 8.29am from the ex to say I could go and pick dsd up if I wanted and take her to the fitting lol. She knew full well the appointment was at 9. There would of been no chance I could of done it, I'd be over half an hour late to the appointment if I did.

So dp just said no chance. I've got the dress here and we will try it on dsd tonight. I'm sure it will fit her to be honest.

I don't know what to make of that really, either still trying to be awkward or possibly realising she's been awkward and maybe turning a corner. I dunno. Dp predicted she would do this though, he's been saying it all week lol.

I know her bridesmaid dress will be fine so I'm not overly worried, it just would of been nice to have her here but anyway.

Dp is going to sort it when he collects dsd tonight so who knows what will be said....really I have no idea what the outcome of this will be.

I would just suggest you disengage op. She's enjoying fuelling the drama, and knowing what this day means to you both is giving her leverage.

So if you DP goes round and gives her a trouser based mouthful, it's still attention. And it'll be twisted attention "you were never like this before you met her etc etc" 🙄ive seen it all op.

Don't give her the benefit of that. Grey rock all the way. Answer back in positive short statements - "No problem, we have a solution" etc etc.

Removing the drama and attention is like removing oxygen. It'll die out eventually.

Although if I was your DP I'd have to hold my tongue not to say..."please remember, when you eventually find someone to marry that it's very likely going to be on a Saturday, and I'll be asking you to leave your wedding and pick up your daughter from my house at 5pm. "

But don't.

People really need to start reading the full post before giving their two cents!

She's just being very childish OP, just get satisfaction based on the fact she is embarrassing by being a bitter knob head.

Fuck being sympathetic. She's being a dick, and not putting her DD first at all.

I don't know. Three years isn't that long to get over a serious relationship. especially when you have a baby that makes starting over tricky. It also sounds like this exes first child?
I have no idea what the messenging men and credit card bills were about. She might have had no respect for your partner or she might have had another need to fill. But there are two people in a relationship. He picked her for whatever reason
I can understand you find her annoying but she won't be fond of you two either. I can understand why she won't be doing you any favours and it's not like staying to 9pm is strictly necessary for a three year old after being out all day.

I'm sorry but why would you put a child in pj's at a wedding? She should be doing that at her mum's. I think 8/9 pm is too late for a 3 year old, get your other half to man up a bit and get him to compromise, maybe 6pm? Like you say, you normally have her on a Saturday and it's your bloody wedding day! And she should fall asleep at home, where her mum is, not in a buggy overtired. She's 3!

I think it must be quite hard to watch your ex husband get married- feel a bit sorry for her. It's Not always easy to handle situations with a level head.

Probably is hard for her, but remember she was the one sexting other men.

My Ex Sil was trying to stop my niece being a flower girl when my brother remarried. Saying it was hard for her... Her being DNiece.

It was probably shock and regret more than jealousy in this case.

What a twisted ex .... while it is unfair; let her pick up the child. The child won't be pleased. Yes I understand the child is 3.... but they will start to see a pattern that their mum is a nasty piece of work. Don't let the ex ruin your day.

Thanks AnnelovesGilbert - just to point out, the reason they split was because 2 weeks after giving birth to their daughter, do found it she had been messaging other men. She then ordered a load of stuff off his credit card (£3000 worth) and kicked him out - on his birthday of all days. So yeah he maybe did love her at one point but thank goodness he found what she was really like x

So the Op hasn't put " sexting" other men which is another level. If it had been going on for a while she would have been heavily pregnant so hardly available and up for it. She also kicked the Op's fiancé out with a two week old baby. Which to me says she had enough but also that she would prefer being on her own to cheating.
Op hasn't said what the £3,000 was spent on. Could be anything from vengeance spending to stuff the house needed or anything. What is she really like? Desperate, vengeful, petty or miserable? We can't really tell.

Op, just let it go over your head but be aware you really don't know the full story.

I met stbxh a long time after he split from his first wife and never saw him behave badly towards her..His ex remarried multiple times (often with affairs) and frequentley behaved badly so it easy to side with my ex.

However he has now shown another side a bully and a liar that I am certain must have been present before.

Just hear any feedback she gives and make sure your dp is honest with how he behaved towards her.He should at least acknowledge he was in some way responsible.

If you believe the stories it's allows you to paint her as the baddie and it's never quite like that.I let stbxh petition for divorce as desperate to get away however he is telling everyone how awful I was so he had to divorce me.

If you are blaming her and she is blaming you it allows the man in the middle to escape scrutiny.

If he can't admit to his side in the failing relationship then that's a red flag.

Agree last two posts

However, don't dwell on this pick up etc it's taking up too much headspace on your wedding day.
Congratulations BTW

My husbands ex was exactly the same and it got so bad after we got married that she stopped contact and our son hasn't even met his sister ever and is 8 months old

Right just to be clear:

Yes she was sexting other men. Hard to believe after just giving birth to a baby but she was. She had an active plenty of fish account.

She ran up a debt of £3000 on his credit cards to kit out her new house. And then kicked dp out on his birthday - this is all true. I've seen the evidence and I'm bloody paying for it now too.

She is also a benefit fraud. Claims all benefits. Works 16 hours a week yet also works 5 days a week on a market stall where she gets £80 - £100 a day. Don't get my started on this one to be honest.

Possibly on drugs. On proof of this but she used too and she still hangs around with druggie friends.

Honestly this only paints half a picture of this women. I could say more but it would be too specific.

As for the comment on the pjs - this has really annoyed me because it's irrelevant. I'd say sending dsd home in her dress is more of a kick in the teeth and to be honest, I don't want the ex getting her hands on the dress. It wasn't cheap and we would never get it back.

I don't think I'm going to comment on this post anymore

And thank you to everyone who is wishing us congratulations :-) means a lot xx

£80-£100 a day cash in hand that is

Just keep the little one with you. She'll probably party most of the evening anyway. My almost-2 year old lasted longer dancing at a wedding than me last summer!