Partners ex making our wedding difficult

[user1498556293]

I don't know if I'm on here for advice but maybe stay just to rant really.

Me and my partner get married next week :-) my partner has a daughter from his last relationship who is 3.

We are getting married in a hotel. We had arranged for partners ex to pick dd up from the hotel between 8 and 9pm. This was going to be great so she gets to experience the full day with us and then she would get picked up and go home with her mum. We know by the time it's 8pm she will be absolutely shattered and ready for home.

However now dps ex has changed that, she wants to pick her up at 5pm. She says this is the way it has to be. Her words were 'why should I spend my night waiting around to pick her up from your wedding, I'm getting her at 5 and that's that.'

So basically dsd is going to miss out on the whole evening reception with a bouncy castle, fireworks, food and cake, the disco - our first dance was going to include her.

Dp doesn't really have any family she could stay with as to be honest he isn't that close too them so the only option is dsd stays with us in the bridal suite on the night of the wedding. Which obviously isn't what we had planned. And it means that one of us will have to leave early to put her to bed.

Dps ex has just recently split with her most recent boyfriend - I think. And ever since then she's just been horrible with us. It's a jealousy thing for sure. She's started putting kisses on the end of texts to my dp. I've never done anything to her and helped her out quite a lot with childcare to be honest. We always have dsd when we are supposed too and more when we can. He pays his maintenance and to be honest, dp is still paying off some of her debt from when they were together :-/

She picked dsd up from us the other day and dp asked if we could have her an extra day so we could get her bridesmaid dress fitted properly. The exs response was (right in front of my face) 'you know her size, you don't need her for that so no you can't have her any extra time' she then literally shoved dsd in her car seat, slammed the car door and drove off. We could see dsd in tears.

I knew she was going to make his difficult for us. I knew she would change the plan we had which worked so perfectly for us. At the end of the dad we will happily have dsd to stay in our room on the night of the wedding and do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't miss out on anything. It's just so frustrating that the ex is like this.

When we told her the date of the wedding months and months ago she said 'dsd can't go, I've made plans for her that day' lol. Always trying to make things difficult.

Anyway rant over

Maybe she's miffed she wasn't invited?

My nieces and nephews all crashed in a corner of our wedding marquee at around 10pm. They were building a den out of chairs and jackets and we found them all fast asleep! Dsd will be fine, take a buggy, pj's for her to change into maybe so she's comfy and let her party the night away you'll be surprised, I bet she'll stay up till at least 10 once she's had a load of sweets!

Just let her mum pick her up at 5 the LG won't know she is missing out her mum for whatever reason is hurting so just let her pick the kid up if you fuss over this it will ruin your wedding

Haha I know, that's what I thought. To be fair, I have invited my children's father but he's not coming due to work commitments. We get on fine and he has a new partner now who seems nice enough so I thought why not, we still do the odd things together with the kids. Obviously worlds apart compared to my dp and his ex lol.

To be honest, whatever happens, I cannot wait to marry my partner :-) I think she will be hoping I'm getting angry, stressed, annoyed etc which obviously I am as I've even come on to mumsnet to write about it but she hasn't taken away my excitement of marrying him.

Agree with @AnneLovesGilbert !!

2014 you sound like you are the jealous ex or have been the jealous ex in these sort of situations!! No need for that comment at all!!

I know plenty of people who have had children with there ex's and there was no love involved! Just mistakes!! Not every child is born out of love!

Grow up!

Why not invite her to the evening do? You need to be scary nice which always works. My dsis and partner had his ex at the do and it worked really well. She could've been tricky, but they did scary nice

How bitter & twisted of her???

I'd go along with the 5pm she suggested.

I'd let her go at 5 TBH

My friends Ex and his parents made such a hoha about picking up her son they tried to get him at 4 they had promised him a DVD and pizza apparently they were sent away and a sisterinlaw came to get him at the time arranged some folk are so twisted

Oh i could rant about ex's too!

Some can be very strange and borderline obsessed to the point where they stalk and constantly nosy about their new lives like my DP's ex. I could give you so many examples of her crazy ways! they havent been together for 5 years, divorced for 3 and no kids! but she's still always talking about us apparently

I genuinly think some find it hard to let go and they have these strange actions to try and make things as difficult as poss. just dont let them win!

dont let this woman disrupt your special day, he is his past, this is your future xoxoxo

*she is his past

Never been in the position, but I'd have her stay with you. If your children talk about the evening part after or there's photos and stuff, your dsd will feel left out.
At my parents weddings most of the children were the last on the dance floor a few others ended up sleeping in pushchairs or a few chairs together.

The only downside, you miss your first night together as husband and wife.

The thing that makes me laugh about all this is, on a normal day dsd gets picked up usually around 7.30pm. We get her bathed and ready for bed and then her mum comes and gets her. We have said we will have her in her pjs as normal at the wedding when she's picked up. (I don't want the ex having her bridesmaid dress). It's only an extra half an hour on her usual time.

Thank you winter, there was a time when I felt very insecure about her but thankfully I'm over that now. If I put myself in her shoes, I do get it. Apparently she was desperate for them to get married but he knew it wasn't right. So obviously she will find that tough and I get it but honestly she does herself no favours by acting the way she does.

I know she is always going to be in my life because is dsd and that is something I've accepted. Apart from being civil, being the bigger person and scary nice like pp said (I do this all the time lol) there's nothing else I can do. Fingers crossed she's onto the next man soon so she might leave my dp alone a bit x

With someone as difficult as her, I would have made sure the wedding was on your DPs time and then you could get whoever necessary to look after DSD.

I hired a nanny during my Dsis wedding for my then 1 & 3 year old DCs.

Rise above her jealousy. Some women are really something eh. She's crazy.

Congratulations in advance. I hope it all goes well.

Yes get her special wedding PJs for the evening!!!

Look it's a thing!!!!

Stick with 5pm and make sure you do the handover in your white dress! She will love that!

Jealous ex 😂😂😂 hilarious.

She should arrange someone else to pick up her child. Of course this will be a difficult and emotional time for her and her feelings about her ex partner's remarriage just when her own relationship has ended are coming out as anger. No one should have entertained or suggested she come to your wedding to pick her daughter up.

I'd cancel the ex and hire a nanny. Involving the ex in any way will give her an opportunity to ruin your day.

If she doesn't like it then tough luck, she shouldn't have changed the plans.

thethoughtfox - we know that however as previously mentioned, she was adamant she would do that pick up. At that time she was happy and loved up with her new boyfriend though, obviously that's changed and she's gone back to being bitter.

She rang my partner this afternoon to say that the daughter has a special presentation at nursery tomorrow afternoon and he needs to be there. She's done this knowing full well he cannot take time off work at such short notice - he has quite a demanding job and he's already behind his schedule for a current job he's doing. He's absolutely gutted she's only telling him this now and he can't go. He asked her how long she's known about it and she initially said she told him about it a while ago - she hadn't. Then admitted she had 'forgotten'. He rang his boss to ask just incase but there's no chance of him being able to leave. Plus she knows he's working 90 miles away from us at min so it's just not do able. So now she's fallen out with him again for not being able to make it. She knows full well what his job is like and he does need as much notice as possible for time off.

I get the feeling this is what it's going to be like for the next few weeks, until the wedding is over and it's all calmed down and back to normal. Will just have to grit our teeth and bear it....happy faces :-) lol

Love those pjs - don't know if I dare do it though lol

Your dh needs to set up communication with nursery so he gets the same communication as his ex does direct from them. Same when she goes to school.
You're giving her opportunities to have an impact on your life, he gets notification of nursery events via her rather than direct from the nursery for example, she comes to your wedding to pick up. You can easily remove these opportunities

Sorry I should of specified - he does get email from the nursery however the system they use to send emails/make payments etc hasn't worked for the last 3 weeks or so. So everything's been coming out as a letter with the child until they fix it.

I suppose he could of rang the nursery to say could they ring him and inform him but just didn't think to do that

your complicating a simple matter..... it's your Wedding Day ..focus on that... let her Mum pick her up at 5pm... she'll be shattered by then

Congratulations when the day comes around

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, user!

I think you're right to just have your dsd sleep with you on the night. She will be wiped out and will sleep like a log anyway after all that excitement.

If you're anything like me and my DH you will both be wiped out too. I was expecting a night of passion but the only moans of pleasure coming from our room were when I finally took off my shoes! 😆

If the nursery email is down then it's not the ex responsibility to inform him of letters sent his communication should be direct with nursery. So the fact she's only told him about the nursery event the day before is not something to be cross with her about its for dh to discuss with nursery that they aren't keeping him informed. It's not the ex responsibility to do so.
You give her way too much influence!