Do I need to stop being jealous or have I got reason to be?

[Mummyofthree1970]

Basically things between me and HB have always been amazing. We have been together for 19 years, we have three amazing children who are brilliant, and in all that time, the only blips we ever had were caused by his insecurities, these moments were pretty frequent, but normally short lived and we got through them.

Apart from that we were pretty much the perfect couple, very loved up, great sex, best friends etc. Busy planning our 20th wedding anniversary next year, all good. However, in the last couple of months I had noticed that he was withdrawing from me, becoming very distant. So many little things that were just so out of character. He was off sex, he always used to cuddle me every morning after his alarm went off, but that stopped, he didn’t want to engage in conversation as much and plans for things to do together were put off or cancelled. To begin with I put this down to his obsession with a sports club that he has been doing for the past few years. He is addicted to it and it has been amazing for him. It takes up a lot of his time, but I have never complained or minded due to that fact that mentally and physically it has been brilliant for him. But in this last month, it had taken on a whole new level of addiction. Not just the classes, but they are doing some work on the building and so he had been spending a lot of time up there doing that, spending our money on it and helping out. Again, I didn’t mind any of this, thought it was really good for him. However, the level of withdrawal intensified, in the last fortnight I noticed that he was glued to his phone, wouldn’t put it down for a second. When he charged it he placed it face down so the screen wasn’t showing, he was coming to bed later and getting up earlier and spending all evening texting. We have never had secrets, to the extent that we only have one bank account and all our passwords for email and social media accounts etc. are the same! We even open each others post as a matter of course, so the fact that he was hiding ‘something’ was really worrying me. So, last Thursday night I read his messages. It turns out that he has been having a ‘thing’ with a girl from the sports club (B). They started off really innocently, but then started to get more intense, all coinciding with his withdrawal from me! The messages were mainly chatty, but some were flirty, him telling her he loved her smile, her eyes etc. His saying that he loved it when he heard the ping of a message from her. He told her that he would be able to talk to her from the poolside on our family holiday all day. Him telling her that she made him happy, made him laugh, lots of little things and comments. Sending selfies to each other and making lovely comments about them etc. The messages were in the hundreds and had been going on all day and evening for quite a while, intensifying in the last week before I read them. One saying he was ‘ going to get caught as he was smirking’. Having read them all, the overriding impression was that he had got feelings for her, at the very least a substantial ‘crush’. I felt sick, scared and very shaky. So, on Friday morning I asked to speak to him and told him that I was worried, said I had felt he was withdrawing from me, being distant and ‘off’. I didn’t tell him I had read the messages, he said I was an idiot, nothing was wrong and that I was stressed and needed a holiday. I asked who he was messaging and he said it was just the sports committee. I asked if he was sure there was nothing he wanted to tell me, he said there wasn’t. I went upstairs to wash my face, came back down and laughingly asked to see the messages from the committee to make me feel better, he had deleted all the messages from B and of course there weren’t any from the committee. I had to go out later, so I sent a message, confessing to reading the messages and saying I was terrified. He replied with real anger, saying that I shouldn’t have read the messages. He said that she was younger than him and that nothing would have happened. Said that the messages made him happy and her happy and that he wasn’t going to stop. Could not understand why I was upset. Said 'was it so wrong to have a crush on someone and send them messages if you knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere’. Admitted that he thought she was gorgeous and made him laugh. Asked if I wanted to lock him in a box and not talk to anyone ever again. Said that if I wanted him to stop going to the sports club that would send him over the edge and he would never forgive me. He admitted that some of the messages were flirty, but didn’t think it was wrong to have a flirty conversation with a friend. He says he’s not going to stop the messages, although I think they have eased off a bit. There were a lot on Saturday, but he showed me to prove they were innocent chat, they were, but still more than you would send that sort of friend. He will still be seeing her several times a week for sport where he will be her partner more often than not. He said that if she asked him to help her with her sport at lunchtimes, he would go, again couldn’t see why I wouldn’t like that as they would be alone in the building. He has shown no remorse, no guilt whatsoever and no understanding of my feelings. He suggested that if he stopped the messages, he would be going back to the 'lonely miserable self' he was before they started. Knowing that he was actually pretty happy before makes this slightly bizarre behaviour! He hasn’t made any attempt at all to make me feel better. Just keeps repeating that nothing would ever happen so its all OK. Not that he wouldn’t want anything to happen, just that it wouldn’t! The only thing he is sorry about is being caught out and has said that he wishes things could go back to where they were last week before I had read them so he could carry on. Knowing his history with insecurity and jealousy, I thought he might possibly be a little bit more understanding of how I felt, I asked how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he admitted he wouldn’t be happy, but he still doesn’t seem to be sorry at all. He’s actually really cross with me, thinks I need to ‘get over it now’. Despite lying, hiding things from me, admitting to having feelings for another women who he’s sent hundreds of messages to, withdrawing, he’s still not sorry! The fact that he deleted the messages shows that he knew there was something worth hiding, that at the very least is not great.

It feels as though he is fighting to protect his relationship with B and the sports club and not with me! I would never stop him doing his sport, even after this, I know how much it means to him. But, I have to find a way to move forward. I really do love him, our life and our family and I want to fight to make sure that we can get through this and be happy. I suggested we both had counselling, he said that I was the one with the problem and not him, so I should go. I will go and I guess I’m hoping that after seeing someone, they will either tell me that I am in his words ‘mental’ in which case I will be able to get some help deal, or they will suggest that he sees someone, which I think if suggested by a professional (the one he's seen before) he would. In some ways, if he has got feelings for her that are stronger than his love for me, then I need to know, the last thing I want is to be second best. I can’t quite believe he would throw his family and our pretty perfect life away for her and I honestly don’t think he had thought that far ahead, he was just enjoying the thrill of a new encounter and like a child with a new toy, is obsessed and doesn’t want it taken away from him, but crushes and love are funny things and he needs to work through those feelings in a rational and non-biased way, whatever the outcome.

So, do I need to get over myself and stop being jealous of this 'friend' ?Do I need to 'let it go now' ? What else can I do? I should add that I haven't eaten or slept since last Thursday and am feeling pretty rubbish!

Thanks all,
MofT

He's having an emotional affair.

I'm so sorry... maybe he is hitting a midlife crisis?
Either way if I was you I'd make sure to explain exactly how hurt you feel and tell him this will not continue with that woman unless he wants to loose you.

He needs to get his priorities straight and if you're not it what else can you do but leave him.
He's not being fair and he's very wrong in his doing.
And I think you know this too.
He's trying to make you feel bad for his actions.
It's on him and he needs to own up.
It's a shame after do many years but if he's not willing to stop that nonsense and grow up then he can go and be with her!
I think it's just the thrill of someone else liking him and fancying him. But it doesn't mean he gets to treat his wife like that.
He's clearly putting her above you and that's not on at all.
I'd definitely tell him either her or me and if he can't decide then it's over I'm afraid.
He doesn't even see he's in the wrong so he might need to get the fright of you actually leaving him or ki king him out.
🌹🌸🌻

Mumsnet typical advice would be to try to rein him in. Give him an ultimatum and kick him out. That is one way.

I am not like that. What I'd do in this situation - is get a fabuolous hobby myself. At a different sports club. Go and buy some new sexy exercise gear. Get him to do some babysitting while I am there - basically - why should it all be the H who gets to improve his physique and health - you earned the right to do the same.
And get a name of a hot PT - and text away about healthy eating/exercising at home tips.

There is nothing as scary to a man as a woman who is confident anabolic is not dependent on him. By Scary - I mean - the only thing that'll make him wake up and put in an effort with you is if he thinks that you might be slipping away and wanted by other men.
A needy and nugging woman is, on the other hand, something that is easy to brush of.

I agree he needs a proper kick up his incredibly selfish arse and be kicked out. He's treating you with utter contempt and doesn't deserve the loving write up you've given him at all. He's having an emotional affair minimum and of course you aren't being mental or overly jealous. I think you need to ask him to leave and choose between his family and loving, understanding wife of the girl he's making a complete cool if himself for.

You can't possibly live as he wants, you carrying on doing the boring stuff, while he spends all his time messaging or with her.

He's gaslighting the hell out of you. HE'S not doing anything wrong... YOU are the one who needs to "get over it." He's mad at YOU for reading the messages on his phone, yet not feeling poorly that he betrayed you in the first place. And to top it off, if he has to stop this affair (and that's what it is), it's YOUR fault and he'll be back to being the lonely, miserable person he was before.

Please tell me you realize what a total bastard he's being. The lack of respect and inability to recognize that what he's doing is wrong is shocking! And let's not forget, if you were the one texting another man, he would be very upset. COME ON. After all these years, this is what you want your relationship to be? You deserve far better.

He's having an affair and he's basically told you he's going to carry on, that you're the one in the wrong here, not him
What are you going to do? You can't possibly let this continue, it will eat away at you and destroy your mental health. Do you want to stay with him?
I can only say what I would do which would be: tell him all contact with the other woman stops, NOW. Deletes her number, lets you have access to his phone if you want it, apologises for his behaviour.
I would contact the other woman too and tell her back the fuck off, he's married, you have three children together, she has no right to be behaving this way with a married man.

His actions are wrong on so many levels. He's acting arsey because he's been busted and cant continue his flirtation as easily as before. Given half a chance he will take it to the next level.

There's no fool like an old fool eh?

Tell him to stop mooning about like a daffy teenager and that you're embarrassed for him. Gather up your dignity and self respect, stop telling him you're terrified and ask him to leave and consider his lovely chatty friendship somewhere where you don't have to look at him doing it

I'd tell him to piss off whilst you consider divorcing him

His behaviour is unacceptable. His focus is in the wrong place. I have been through very similar situation with exH...guess what. 5 years later and I am still unable to build up a secure relationship with anyone, probably partially because my self confidence is damaged and I was talked into believing that I was the mad one, and he actually didn't do anything THAT wrong ( in my case it was an affair of ex with a girl 13 years his junior, unwanted pregnancy, my DD being dragged through playi g happy families with them, now them two split for months, my DD missing her baby sister and ex being off work with deprrssion for months now, as he only realis3d last year the extent of his 'fun' and how it ruined everybodys lives.

Now, if I were you, I would just step back. I know all in you shouts to 'fight' for him, marriage, family... but if you accept this, he will never change because he will have the best of both worlds. The only way, in my opinion, based on my experience, if to give him that f freedom to pursue his new cheap thrills.... if he does not, at some point, realise that YOU and family matter more for him, then he is a dick. But at least you will save your sanity and remains of self respect.
Dunno what are the practicalities, but I would tell him to move out, or move out myself, and let shit hit the fan. Don't be a mug. Don't sacrifice for him if he hasn't enough respect for you and what you have! Sometimes the only way to win someone back/let them learn their lesson, is to let them go and see how they like it if you are truly gone.
Lots of strength to you!

Sorry for typos, cat 'resting' on me.
Just to add... my ex, who was so sure that the grass is greener, is sleeping in my spare room now, he stays here sometimes when visiting DD. He has no one now, is in debt, had to take a lodger to afford mortgage. He is a total wreck now, and as he is DD's father, I don't feel like kicking him out. No, I have no feelings for him, only pity after 3 years of being dragged through all that crap. I am stronger though, he only went down while I made progress - have my own house, lost weight, still have plans and dreams. And I did love again.
I am not happy though. It has been such a horrid time and I still feel the impact it had on me. Mostly because I let him stay in my life for way too long then, let him fool me and use me, hoping he will change while I did the pick me dance.
It did more harm, wasted years, wasted effort.
Don't be me.

There's nothing wrong with a crush, they can be great fun..... as long as they're kept in the head.

He crossed the line into emotional affair and wants the fantasy as well as the familiar base. He doesn't get that.

Ask him to leave while you think about what to do. I'll guess this woman will drop him like a sack of shit. He needs to face reality and that won't happen while you're hanging onto his ankles telling him you're terrified. Take control.

I think the old mn maxim; "off you fuck then cuntychops" would be my starting point. Get angry, but stay icy calm,lose the terrified (you have done nothing, it's him being dick lead). How fucking dare he gaslight you? There is plenty wrong with flirty texts to "mates". If I was really evil (and I'm not suggesting this) I'd be tempted to turn up at this sports club with his bag, when she is there, and just go there you are, you made your choice. In reality, a sit down, icy calm, ask minimal questions, so he ties himself up in knots and then if he still says it's all innocent, say well that's that.
Big hand hold, you can do it.

This isn't on. As someone else said - he's gaslighting you, making you doubt your own feelings and behaviour.

It's not unreasonable to want your husband, who vowed to forsake all others, to give up the 'friendship' of a woman that's upsetting you. He's definitely crossed the line here. And he's treating you like an insignificant person who isn't a priority. This isn't the behaviour of a man who loves his wife and values his family.

Maybe it IS a midlife crisis. Maybe nothing else has happened besides the texts. But it's making you unhappy, so it should stop. The only way you can take back the power here is to give him an ultimatum or kick him out. Make him realise that this isn't something you'll stand for. And don't feel guilty about your kids - it's him who's overstepped the mark here. He can't have both at the expense of your health and happiness.

Thank you all so much, really appreciate your replies. You ladies rock 👏🏻 Got lots to think about, but at least you are reassuring me that I'm not being 'mental'! Xxx

He is having an emotional affair and he's enjoying it, it makes him feel good and he has made it clear he has no intention of stopping. The role of an affair, no matter if it's physical or otherwise is to create emotional distance in the marriage. And that is exactly what he is doing. He is being very selfish and unreasonable in expecting you to advocate his betrayal of you and your relationship, and to completely disregard your feelings.
I was emotionally betrayed by my ex-husband and I called him out on it, it wasn't pretty but in the end he understood and was deeply sorry for what he had done. We repaired our marriage. We divorced years later for other reasons.
You now need to be the one holding the cards, place them on the table and give him an ultimatum; the emotional affair or your marriage. If he chooses the former then take those cards and ask him to leave, but be prepared to go through the heartache and anger. Be strong and stand your ground, know your value and know that you deserve better than his selfishness.
((hugs))

Op you need to get angry. You are being far too nice about all of this. He's having an affair; stop trying to understand why and get mad! He is lying to you! This is not acceptable. I'd throw him out the house.

This kind of thing happens with men of all ages. I don't like to see "midlife crisis" trotted out as an excuse.

He is enamoured with this other woman, and would almost certainly jump at the offer of a sexual relationship if it were offered. His sexual rejection of you is because he currently wants her. He is so blinded by his own feelings that he can't afford to have any empathy for you, that would spoil it. You must be framed as the villain and history must be rewritten so that he can justify his actions and not have his happy little love bubble popped by reality. This scenario is played out on this board by different posters every single month. I'm sure there is an official script for it somewhere.

You don't have many options really. He has chosen what he has with her, so you either a) Try and wait it out, and hope nothing gets initiated between the two, or b) Tell him she is welcome to him. Kick him out or leave. Focus on yourself and your children. He may regain his sanity once he sees what he has lost. And then you'll just have to decide if you could ever trust him again.

He would have to GTFOH for a while and I ask him if he thinks taking the sports club away from him will ruin his life, what he thinks losing you and the life you've built together will do?

This would be a total deal breaker for me. He has having at the very least an emotional affair if not more than that. His refusal to stop speaks volumes about his lack of respect for you. I don't think he would accept it if it was the other way round? If you were sending and receiving messages from another man and has withdrawn affection and sex would he find that an appropriate thing in a marriage?
Talk to him tell him it's not fair to you and you expect him to stop messaging her and seeing her for 'sport' if he really won't you know what you need to do. Accept it or LTB

My stbxh left 4 weeks ago for his running partner. I trusted him 100%.

Terrible advice from Josuk. Whatever you do, do NOT do the "Pick Me" dance. Find one of the threads on here about the script - he's following it to a T so far. Sorry you're going through this.

You're wondering why he's carrying on when it's hurting you. Why he can't see it's inappropriate. How on earth he can prioritise this ridiculous texting and infatuation (and likely current, or soon to be, physical relationship) over you and the family, home and life you have created together.

The reason is that the excitement of the flirtation is like a drug to him right now. He is well and truly hooked and there's very little you could do to convince him to stop contact with her. You are fighting a losing battle if you beg or please or reason or argue your case. He cannot hear you at the moment. The attention is flattering and compelling and totally addictive.

Don't accept his version of history as he rewrites the past claiming he was unhappy until he met her.
Don't let him blame you - you've not done anything wrong.
Please don't beg or plead. The thrill of this woman is that she needs chasing and that can be very exciting. You throwing yourself at him will make him respect you even less.

I'm thinking very seriously about what I would do in your shoes. In the past I would have begged and pleaded I think. I would have been bereft and desperate. But quite honestly now I would just kick him out and say if he wants her he can have her. Marriage is about partnership, respect, having each other's backs. If that's gone what's the point?

And there something distinctly unattractive about a grown man texting a woman like a teenager. It'd put me straight off! 🤢

He will probably go to her if you kick him out - you have to know that if you choose to do it. But if he does it's only because he was going to do that anyway sooner or later. But she might not want him after all that. Or she might for a bit. But the reality of an affair is not so very awesome and exciting when you've been kicked out of your family home and your family and friends all think you're a totally wally and your children are ashamed and you're paying a fortune in child support. A dose of reality for him will be a little victory for you. But by then hopefully you won't care.

I'm all for working out a relationship but he's not invested in that, he has no desire to stop the affair and you'll be beating your head against a brick wall. Good luck whatever happens next. 💐💐💐

I did not suggest a 'pick me dance'.
I said - I'd live my life. Went out with friends. Found my own hobby.
And cared little about who he is texting.

You can't change other people. He will either understand (on his own) that what he is doing is wrong, or not. Ultimatums and tears won't get you anywhere.

I think your H is having a midlife crisis, btw.

He's being ridiculous. He cannot seriously believe his behaviour is ok. What a selfish and unfeeling man. You're doing so well to be so calm. If it were me I'd have gone off the deep end! However, I think perhaps the best (and far more dignified) thing to do, is clearly tell him that his behaviour is hurtful and you are not prepared to continue being married to him if it continues. Then pull back - don't seep in bed with him, don't cook for him or wash his clothes. Go out with your friends and your kids and do things for you. All the time and energy you would put into him put into you. Make yourself happy - stuff him. Don't pander to him and flatter his ego- he doesn't deserve your attention while this is happening.

He's having an emotional affair and got defensive when you called him out on it, a pathetic textbook response.

He's a liar and gaslighting the hell out of you so you'll STFU, so he can go back to the real object of his affections.

He's taken your support and has chosen to deceive you and isn't remorseful. It really is time to take him off the pedestal and start judging him by his actions.