Basically things between me and HB have always been amazing. We have been together for 19 years, we have three amazing children who are brilliant, and in all that time, the only blips we ever had were caused by his insecurities, these moments were pretty frequent, but normally short lived and we got through them.
Apart from that we were pretty much the perfect couple, very loved up, great sex, best friends etc. Busy planning our 20th wedding anniversary next year, all good. However, in the last couple of months I had noticed that he was withdrawing from me, becoming very distant. So many little things that were just so out of character. He was off sex, he always used to cuddle me every morning after his alarm went off, but that stopped, he didn’t want to engage in conversation as much and plans for things to do together were put off or cancelled. To begin with I put this down to his obsession with a sports club that he has been doing for the past few years. He is addicted to it and it has been amazing for him. It takes up a lot of his time, but I have never complained or minded due to that fact that mentally and physically it has been brilliant for him. But in this last month, it had taken on a whole new level of addiction. Not just the classes, but they are doing some work on the building and so he had been spending a lot of time up there doing that, spending our money on it and helping out. Again, I didn’t mind any of this, thought it was really good for him. However, the level of withdrawal intensified, in the last fortnight I noticed that he was glued to his phone, wouldn’t put it down for a second. When he charged it he placed it face down so the screen wasn’t showing, he was coming to bed later and getting up earlier and spending all evening texting. We have never had secrets, to the extent that we only have one bank account and all our passwords for email and social media accounts etc. are the same! We even open each others post as a matter of course, so the fact that he was hiding ‘something’ was really worrying me. So, last Thursday night I read his messages. It turns out that he has been having a ‘thing’ with a girl from the sports club (B). They started off really innocently, but then started to get more intense, all coinciding with his withdrawal from me! The messages were mainly chatty, but some were flirty, him telling her he loved her smile, her eyes etc. His saying that he loved it when he heard the ping of a message from her. He told her that he would be able to talk to her from the poolside on our family holiday all day. Him telling her that she made him happy, made him laugh, lots of little things and comments. Sending selfies to each other and making lovely comments about them etc. The messages were in the hundreds and had been going on all day and evening for quite a while, intensifying in the last week before I read them. One saying he was ‘ going to get caught as he was smirking’. Having read them all, the overriding impression was that he had got feelings for her, at the very least a substantial ‘crush’. I felt sick, scared and very shaky. So, on Friday morning I asked to speak to him and told him that I was worried, said I had felt he was withdrawing from me, being distant and ‘off’. I didn’t tell him I had read the messages, he said I was an idiot, nothing was wrong and that I was stressed and needed a holiday. I asked who he was messaging and he said it was just the sports committee. I asked if he was sure there was nothing he wanted to tell me, he said there wasn’t. I went upstairs to wash my face, came back down and laughingly asked to see the messages from the committee to make me feel better, he had deleted all the messages from B and of course there weren’t any from the committee. I had to go out later, so I sent a message, confessing to reading the messages and saying I was terrified. He replied with real anger, saying that I shouldn’t have read the messages. He said that she was younger than him and that nothing would have happened. Said that the messages made him happy and her happy and that he wasn’t going to stop. Could not understand why I was upset. Said 'was it so wrong to have a crush on someone and send them messages if you knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere’. Admitted that he thought she was gorgeous and made him laugh. Asked if I wanted to lock him in a box and not talk to anyone ever again. Said that if I wanted him to stop going to the sports club that would send him over the edge and he would never forgive me. He admitted that some of the messages were flirty, but didn’t think it was wrong to have a flirty conversation with a friend. He says he’s not going to stop the messages, although I think they have eased off a bit. There were a lot on Saturday, but he showed me to prove they were innocent chat, they were, but still more than you would send that sort of friend. He will still be seeing her several times a week for sport where he will be her partner more often than not. He said that if she asked him to help her with her sport at lunchtimes, he would go, again couldn’t see why I wouldn’t like that as they would be alone in the building. He has shown no remorse, no guilt whatsoever and no understanding of my feelings. He suggested that if he stopped the messages, he would be going back to the 'lonely miserable self' he was before they started. Knowing that he was actually pretty happy before makes this slightly bizarre behaviour! He hasn’t made any attempt at all to make me feel better. Just keeps repeating that nothing would ever happen so its all OK. Not that he wouldn’t want anything to happen, just that it wouldn’t! The only thing he is sorry about is being caught out and has said that he wishes things could go back to where they were last week before I had read them so he could carry on. Knowing his history with insecurity and jealousy, I thought he might possibly be a little bit more understanding of how I felt, I asked how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he admitted he wouldn’t be happy, but he still doesn’t seem to be sorry at all. He’s actually really cross with me, thinks I need to ‘get over it now’. Despite lying, hiding things from me, admitting to having feelings for another women who he’s sent hundreds of messages to, withdrawing, he’s still not sorry! The fact that he deleted the messages shows that he knew there was something worth hiding, that at the very least is not great.
It feels as though he is fighting to protect his relationship with B and the sports club and not with me! I would never stop him doing his sport, even after this, I know how much it means to him. But, I have to find a way to move forward. I really do love him, our life and our family and I want to fight to make sure that we can get through this and be happy. I suggested we both had counselling, he said that I was the one with the problem and not him, so I should go. I will go and I guess I’m hoping that after seeing someone, they will either tell me that I am in his words ‘mental’ in which case I will be able to get some help deal, or they will suggest that he sees someone, which I think if suggested by a professional (the one he's seen before) he would. In some ways, if he has got feelings for her that are stronger than his love for me, then I need to know, the last thing I want is to be second best. I can’t quite believe he would throw his family and our pretty perfect life away for her and I honestly don’t think he had thought that far ahead, he was just enjoying the thrill of a new encounter and like a child with a new toy, is obsessed and doesn’t want it taken away from him, but crushes and love are funny things and he needs to work through those feelings in a rational and non-biased way, whatever the outcome.
So, do I need to get over myself and stop being jealous of this 'friend' ?Do I need to 'let it go now' ? What else can I do? I should add that I haven't eaten or slept since last Thursday and am feeling pretty rubbish!
Thanks all,
MofT