How long would it take you to forgive a male friend/relative who had been abusive to his partner?

[DoggettandBoo2]

Just wondering because I've no idea!!
My friend and SIL was really worried about me when my dh (her brother) was being a dick last year and often asked me if I was ok and when things turned physical I told her all the details last year. She's one of the very few people who knows he became physically abusive at the end.

We went out the other night her and her dh, me and mine and she asked me if everything was ok now which it is and I reassured her he was being a perfect husband. She was totally happy with this and said 'oh that's great, I'm so glad you got back together' and left it there.

She was never angry or upset with him even during him not treating me so well and I'm just wondering if that's normal?

They had quite a dysfunctional upbringing and as young children he was often on his Mum's side and standing up for her and she was a really Daddy's girl despite what their dad being an abusive cunt. So maybe her reaction isn't normal because of this?

I'm rambling and I know I sound hypocritical because I've forgiven him but considering how worried she was about me and my dd last year I'm surprised she's never had anything to say to him about the whole thing.

I can't ever trust one of DH's friends again after his behaviour towards his wife. I see him from time to time, but will never be friendly with him again.

I have no experience so who knows? but as you've forgiven him I'm not sure how relevant it is if other people have or haven't forgiven him. As for you explaining away why she has forgiven her brother maybe you should be looking a bit closer as to why you've forgiven someone who was physically abusive. Bear in mind she didn't experience the abuse- you did. For her its an abstract, for you it's a reality.

I don't like my sil's husband, DH said if he died he would let of fireworks. SIL is still with him, we're civil. That's all we can do and we do it for her. She says he's not abusive anymore. If she ever leaves him, we'd be there for her.

I don't think I could ever forgive a man relative or otherwise who I know had been physically abusive to a woman. I would find going out together and playing happy families with them all extremely uncomfortable.

You've obviously made peace with what happened -- I would not be able to stay with a man who had physically assaulted me but that's your decision. As you appear to have accepted this I guess she thinks there's nothing more she can do for now. Whether she's actually very uncomfortable with it or just thinks its normal its hard to say.

To be honest though I think her reaction is a side issue, the more pertinent question is why you've now accepted it? What makes you think he's not going to do it again?

I think id struggle with it. Depends on the facts and situation. A one off face slap from either party in a raging argument I could eventually work with. Anything greater and I don't think I'd want anything to do with them.

Unclear what your asking really OP, I don't think it really matters whether she forgives her brother for his treatment of you or not. As you have decided to forgive and stay with your DH even though he was physically abusive towards you. Let's say she had bit of her brother would it have made any difference to you staying with your husband? She does sound like she was concerned about your welfare as she kept asking how you are, however it's your choice to stay in an abusive relationship

I'd struggle with it, but you've made it clear that you are staying with him, and in her shoes I would would be supportive of your decision, and all that it entails, whether I agreed with it or not.

Maybe she hasn't forgiven him but is respecting your decision to stay

Basically never.

My grandfather was a horrendous abusive man to his wife. My dad hated him, when old enough stood up to him and in my grandma's later years managed to get him fromthe house so she hadn't got to put up with him anymore.

His brother was horrified: why should his dad notstay at home? What was wrong? (he haf suffered and witnessed same as mydad) He saw nothing wrong and felt grandma should put up with him. A man who beat her viciously. And my uncle DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

There are some peopke with liw / non existent morals in the world. Once dad toldus what had happened to my grandma I cut my grandad outand he didn't exist to me.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking either. Just opinions. I don't resent her or think she should think badly of him at all because that would make me such a hypocrite. I really just wanted to hear other people's opinions and what you'd do or feel.

Joyce that's so sad but good that your Dad got him out.

Any man or woman who purposefully harms their parent loses my respect.

Depending who they are I may not cut them out completely but make no mistake they'll know how disgusting their behaviour is.

Harms their partner, not parent.

I wouldn't forgive but you have so maybe she's following your lead? Plus it's her brother rather than a friend so much harder to cut out of her life, especially if you haven't.

You sound like you think she shouldn't forgive him, although you say you have. Also, you can't 100% know she hasn't said anything to him about it, they may have kept any conversation about it between themselves. Are you wanting validation that you were right to forgive him, or are you wishing someone else will not forgive him/punish him for what he did, because you are not able to?

You're right that her childhood experiences of idolising an abusive father may have normalised violence in the home for her somewhat. But equally she was probably very concerned for her niece, having been through the same thing as a child.

As to your question - I would never forget and never forgive. I have lost a friend to an abusive partner - she now rarely goes out without him, he controls everything they do, we all know he has violently assaulted her, with her baby in the room. I don't think she realises that we all know that. Anyway, we are quietly civil when they are both there, if we ever speak to her alone we'll ask if she's ok, she will always claim things are fab. She never talks about their relationship with us now, because she knows it's not healthy. If she ever leaves him, we'll all be there for her.

Maybe this is her worrying about you. If she said, "he's a shit, I'll never forgive him" she'd either have to avoid him or avoid both of you. This way when he inevitably does it again, she can be there for you.

I had to pretend to tolerate my friend's utter fucker of a boyfriend until she finally left him. I needed to shower a lot, he was repulsive to be in same same room as.

You sound put out that she's forgiven him or let him off the hook. I don't think you are at peace with it yourself even though you are claiming he is a perfect husband.

She may not feel it's her place to forgive or not forgive when it wasn't her that was being punched, shoved by him. I think she may have gone into survival mode as she had to when she was a small child. Maybe she saw her role as the peacemaker then and now.

I think if you ask her, she might be shocked that you expect her to condemn him when you haven't.

I wouldn't, but I understand the mechanics of abuse. Most people don't and so abusive behaviours are seen as something human and forgivable. It's one of the things which makes it so very difficult to get away.

I wouldn't ever be able to respect them.

Regarding our SIL, I imagine she takes her cue from you. If you are happy with him then why would this bother you? She must inwardly roll her eyes when you say he is the perfect husband though. Even halfway decent husbands don't abuse their wives.

But yes, I echo others, I wouldn't be openly hostile towards a friend's bf if she had disclosed abuse, because I'd be worried about endangering her or pushing her away.

I have forgiven him but I haven't forgotten. My own hypocrisy is tripping me up in my head.

They are more like best friends than brother/sister but she had started taking a step back from hanging out with us when things got bad.

At least you do recognise you are being hypocritical. You expected her to behave in a certain way and she didn't. I doubt very much she approves but doesn't know how to handle it especially if you are now back together claiming everything is wonderful.

I guess so. I think talking about how things used to be with him (as in me and dh talking together) is getting more and more taboo and it worries me. I was hoping because she was so vocal about him being out of order last year before he sorted himself out that she wouldn't be afraid to remind him and not let everything get swept under the carpet.