How long would it take you to forgive a male friend/relative who had been abusive to his partner?

[DoggettandBoo2]

Just wondering because I've no idea!!
My friend and SIL was really worried about me when my dh (her brother) was being a dick last year and often asked me if I was ok and when things turned physical I told her all the details last year. She's one of the very few people who knows he became physically abusive at the end.

We went out the other night her and her dh, me and mine and she asked me if everything was ok now which it is and I reassured her he was being a perfect husband. She was totally happy with this and said 'oh that's great, I'm so glad you got back together' and left it there.

She was never angry or upset with him even during him not treating me so well and I'm just wondering if that's normal?

They had quite a dysfunctional upbringing and as young children he was often on his Mum's side and standing up for her and she was a really Daddy's girl despite what their dad being an abusive cunt. So maybe her reaction isn't normal because of this?

I'm rambling and I know I sound hypocritical because I've forgiven him but considering how worried she was about me and my dd last year I'm surprised she's never had anything to say to him about the whole thing.

The answer is never. I would never forgive or forget a family member or friend being abusive, if circumstances meant I still had to be around them then I would, I'd be civil but would keep my distance. Even if it was my brother.

But I think it's really strange that you have forgiven your husband for what he directly did to you, but expect his sister to not have?

Sorry I didn't make that post clear. I used to walk on eggshells but not anymore.

Answering your questions mrstp
It was like that if he was really drunk from pretty much the beginning of our relationship (about a year in) and he only did it infront of his family, never mine or our friends. Behind closed doors the name calling would be if he was drunk or if he was tetchy in the morning or if he'd run out of weed. Since we've been back together there's been no name calling at all let alone anything worse.

Tazer I'm happy she's forgiven him but I worried she's forgetting too which helps him to forget. I'm still confused about how I feel.

Doggett it literally isn't possible to forget. It just isn't. She's taking your lead on this.

It's not up to her to keep berating him for being a shit husband - especially as it'll mean he gets upset with her, and you then have to reassure him he's not the baddy she's making him out to be!

You know how you want someone to validate your feelings?

How you want someone to acknowledge that the abuse you experienced was real.

How you don't want it swept under the carpet and for everyone to pretend that everything is ok.

How you want to know that there is someone there to stand up for you if (when) it happens again and how horrible it feels to know that they might not.

How strange and confusing it is for you to have everyone carry on as normal?

That is how your children will feel about you one day if you stay with a man who has been abusive.

Is he still using drugs?

Do you think you could set yourself a boundary? If he calls you a fucking bitch again you will make plans to leave.

So he's changed without any external help?

You know what that says to me?

He had complete control all along. How else could he so easily stop it?

Someone with a real problem with violence will be unable to just randomly stop.

He enjoys having the power over you now because he never did as a child.

Your poor SIL should not be a buffer.

Either you choose to believe he has changed decided it's too early to start again or you decide to leave but whatever your decision, it's for you to make.

Your SIL is not part of your relationship so needs to do no talks with him.

Also has it not occurred to you that this has been triggering for her which is why she's stepped back, now she knows your safe for now.

Is he still using?
Also ask yourself ""How long would it take you to forgive a male friend/relative partner who had been abusive to his partner *you?-- My answer is still never

Happy that's sadly very true and a moving post. I know it would be my duty to dd to leave if abuse started again.

Mrstp that's already a boundary I got and I wouldn't let him speak to me like that anymore.

I've been thinking unfair thoughts on my SIL. Id never say any of this to her face because I know I'm out of order. It's just stupid irrational feelings I've got and I know it's not her issue or her problem to fix. This threads given me lots to think about.

Surely if you now trust him enough to share a bed/home, that should be good enough for everyone else?

I think you're relying on your SIL to be your defender, but you're not willing to step into that role yourself.

I do know how you feel because exh family backed him 100% even whilst witnessing his physical abuse of me. I was angry with them, even long after I'd accepted his meaningless apologies and taken him back.

Looking back though, I don't know why I was expecting outsiders to give more of a shit about my safety and wellbeing than I fave myself. Perhaps my anger with them was projection of my own inability to cut myself loose.

So, with love and kindness, I'd ask you to reflect on whether you actually trust him and want to be with him deep down, or whether you've buried your inner terror so deep within you you're no longer consciously aware of it.

I did The Freedom Programme after we finally split, and with all due respect to mumsnet, it made more difference than a thousand threads on here. I highly recommend googleing groups in your area.

You have got back with someone who added physical abuse to emotional abuse towards the end of the relationship?

That's the real problem.

Is this question more about thinking through why he is abusive and whether you are safe with him now? Even if his childhood was perfect and his sister wasn't an enabler then no, you wouldn't be safe with a man who has already abused you.

Especially one who is obviously continuing the cycle of abuse by hoovering you with 'perfect' behaviour after a period of abuse and taking no responsibility for what he did.

You can't expect his sister to rescue you from him.

Part of the cycle of abuse is that in the 'honeymoon phase', where the perpetrator is in crying/begging I'm sorry I'll do anything mode, the victim suddenly has all the power and can do things like 'looking him in the eye and telling him he did/said awful things and has been abusive', and because he's so focused on keeping her he agrees with everything and makes promises to change (counselling etc).

Then things settle down, he gets his feet under the table again and relaxes a bit, he no longer feels as inclined to do the hard work he promised as 'what's the point, everything's fine now, it's in the past, stop going on about it'.

Then, the tension starts to build and at some point, abusive behaviour happens again and the cycle restarts itself.

I think you are still very much caught up in the cycle, and I think yours starting to notice you don't have the power and the voice that you had a while back and it's rightfully disconcerting, which is why you want his sister to speak for you.

My dv worker showed me the cycle way back when I was still split with him and it's funny because that nice phase just didn't ring any bells with me. Looking back I think I was most in love with him when we were split up because he was just so lovely and nice. He still is now but in a different way. Not so head over heels loving and like a best friend. He's still a different man compared to before but I loved that version of him when we split the most!

I did the online freedom programme and got the books but never finished it. I hide the books under the bed because I don't want him to see the notes I made about him... which I guess is more of me protecting him from his own past and behaviour.

Are you "protecting him from his past behaviours" or worried that he'll kick off if he finds it?

I'm worried about him being disappointed with me and himself if he found it. He doesn't like to be reminded of bad things from the past. He wouldn't kick off but he would probably go into denial mode which would mess with my head.

Doggett please understand that is no way to live.

You cannot just pretend it didn't happen. He's not "different" if the difference comes from refusing to hold a mirror up to him to show him who he was is.

This is not healthy. Surely you can see that?

In fact, I think you can see that. Which is why you're conflicted about his sister. You're not allowed to be angry or upset with him, so you want someone else to be so he doesn't just get away with it. But he is getting away with it.

I believe that leopards very, very rarely change their spots. But I guarantee that violent men NEVER change when they don't have to.

He's not better. He's a ticking time bomb.

My BIL was abusive to my sister, their children witnessed it growing up. I'm very close to this sister, she's much older than me and her kids are more like my siblings, she's sometimes like a second mum but also one of my best friends. BIL has not been physically abudive/violent for 9 years or so, though still has the capacity to be a twat. I'll never forgive him, never trust him, and I'll always wish she'd left/never met him in the first place. However she's staying with him, her kids love him, their kids love him and he's part of the family so we just get on with it.

I've told him I don't and won't forgive him. He cried (I've known him my whole life and he was being all maudlin about what I was like as a kid and how they'd take me to such a place or do such a thing, and I was like 'yeah but then I'd be scared the whole time you were going to hit my sister'.) The tears mean nothing to me to be honest. If anything happened to him I'd be sad for my sister and nieces/nephews but there's a part of me that would think'good riddance'. He didn't deserve such an amazing wife and family and he's damaged his kids more than he'll ever know.

One of DP's friends was verbally abusive and quite threatening to his girlfriend in our presence. DP pulled him up on it, and we distanced ourselves but the gf stayed and swore it was a one off, and DP is now of the mind that we have to move on and get past it. I told him I don't have to do anything of the sort, that he's welcome to be friends with who he likes but I've had a lifetime of having to deal with violent or aggressive men (my dad also) and I certainly don't need to put myself in that position voluntarily.

I think the fact you feel you need to hide things from him and that he's still refusing to face what happened and what he was/is capable of is very telling and I'd be very worried that the perfect husband act was just that, and only temporary.

I think I should try and bring some stuff up then and see what he says. Just the two of us and stop looking on to other people to do it for me. This threads really made that clear. It makes me feel a bit nervey to go bringing up the past but it needs to happen. I'll talk to him direct.

Compost that sounds really sad and scary for you, always waiting for it to kick off. That's kind of how dh and his sister grew up.

Yeah it was I guess, I mean I've made it sound more constant than it was, but there was always that possibility you know, same with my dad. Long stretches of things being normalish but you could never really trust it.

I really hope that your husband has in fact changed, but I'd be worried if he wasn't ready to take responsibility (and I don't mean the tears and 'lovebombing' you when he was trying to get you back).