How long would it take you to forgive a male friend/relative who had been abusive to his partner?

[DoggettandBoo2]

Just wondering because I've no idea!!
My friend and SIL was really worried about me when my dh (her brother) was being a dick last year and often asked me if I was ok and when things turned physical I told her all the details last year. She's one of the very few people who knows he became physically abusive at the end.

We went out the other night her and her dh, me and mine and she asked me if everything was ok now which it is and I reassured her he was being a perfect husband. She was totally happy with this and said 'oh that's great, I'm so glad you got back together' and left it there.

She was never angry or upset with him even during him not treating me so well and I'm just wondering if that's normal?

They had quite a dysfunctional upbringing and as young children he was often on his Mum's side and standing up for her and she was a really Daddy's girl despite what their dad being an abusive cunt. So maybe her reaction isn't normal because of this?

I'm rambling and I know I sound hypocritical because I've forgiven him but considering how worried she was about me and my dd last year I'm surprised she's never had anything to say to him about the whole thing.

I left my EA ex (21 years together, increasingly toxic in the last 3 years). I have to have him in my life still because we have kids but also because it wasn't always shit. Working on new boundaries etc and we are getting somewhere but i can walk away if it gets too much.

Anyway, my mum knew a lot of what happened over the years and she gave him money for his birthday and xmas presents (and an easter egg). Did it bother me? No not at all. He is the father of her grandkids, what happened between me and him was purely that.

We have a lot of mutual friends, some know a few things, some don't. Yesterday we all went to a kids party. Was anyone different with him, No. Was I annoyed? No.

Some people decide on how that person treats them, some people go with how you are with that person. Most of my friends and family probably wouldn't have much to do with him, but they know he is in my life and to maintain the best relationship I can while protecting myself is important to me, so they understand that,

Whether that is right or wrong I don't know.

Best thing you can do OP is get counseling for yourself to help work out why you fear being assertive with your abuser.
You can't use your SIL as a crutch to remind your husband that he is still sweeping his abuse under carpet.

Counseling for you will help you see no amount of violence is acceptable.
You are allowed to be horrified, disgusted and wary of a person who has used violence against you regardless if you are married to him or if he was a stranger!

Thanks for the replies.

I do think I'm being encouraged to sweep things under the carpet. I know the statistics say different but I think his days of being abusive towards me are finished. I know they'll be lots of eye rolling at that but it's what I believe.

I did get counselling myself but it didn't work out. My heads still a mess!!

I agree not to mess with sibling relationships. I can say stuff about my sister but hate it if other people do (even if I agree).

I think I'm still looking for other people to validate my feelings and decisions.

Why do you think the abuse is over? He refuses counselling, still needs 'management', is sweeping things under the carpet and didn't lose you. From the sounds of it, there is no reason for him not to be abusive.

Naive maybe but he's changed. Life is better for all of us now and he started to change when I left him.

Of course I don't know for sure but no one can either way.

It seems like you are not sure you have made the right decision in taking him back, if SIL said she thought you were wrong then you would have someone to backup your decision and be able to say to him "see, your own sister agrees with me".
If you've changed your mind and want him to leave because he won't get counselling, is sweeping things under the carpet and won't let you talk about the violence then that's more than enough to leave.
My friend didn't want to listen to me saying please leave him before he puts you in hospital, I had to let her lead the conversations as I wanted to be there for her when she needed help. Perhaps your SIL is doing this?

Nobody can validate your decisions or feelings because they're yours. You're either happy with them (in which case why are you here?) or you aren't (in which case change them) but it's not your SIL's responsibility to take her brother to task about something you've ostensibly accepted. If you feel you can't raise something, why should she feel able to? She is likely to feel like it's none of her business and you'd consider her sticking her nose in where it's not wanted.

If you have something to say to your husband, then its up to you to say it.

Life gets worse again. Stuff happens. And when it gets worse again, will he? Also, if he's all better now, why do you need SIL to manage him?

Will you consider counseling for yourself? I wouldn't recommend counseling with him under any circumstances.

BTW I do believe abusive men can change. Very rarely and with a lot of work. I know someone ten years in recovery from alcohol addiction. He is still with his wife but he admits his abuse, sought help, gave up alcohol, went through the twelve steps and still acknowledges the abuse and her anger. He didn't just go, "nah, I'm cool now".

I'm rambling and I know I sound hypocritical because I've forgiven him but considering how worried she was about me and my dd last year I'm surprised she's never had anything to say to him about the whole thing.

But what should she say? Should she potentially isolate her brother, while you keep your child under the same roof as him?

You honestly don't think you're in danger anymore? Because you've learned to "manage" him, right?

Let's hope your dd doesn't step out of line...

Laundry I think I've made the right decision but that I've backed down from talking openly and keeping all that happened real because it's nice to live a quiet happy life on the surface.

You're right angel that I should just be able to say it myself.

Mrstp he doesn't want to bring up his past. He thinks he's in control of what he drinks etc and it's only spirits that make him crazy so he doesn't touch them anymore. I personally know that different Alcohol doesn't make a difference but he really believes this.

Mags she wouldn't isolate him. He listens to her and respects what she says. I think he'd take concerns and criticism more easily from her. I really don't want them to fall out. They wouldn't. She been in the same room when he's been off on one calling me a stupid fucking bitch on repeat and she's been fine with him the next day but given him a good talking too. She's not going to make some big drama out of this as she knows him and knows his struggles. Maybe I just think he would take it all more seriously if it wasn't just me remembering it.

He's in denial and so are you. I hope he seeks help and I really hope he doesn't seriously hurt you next time. Feel free to come here when he does it again.

Take it seriously, how?

You've forgiven him. You've moved on. You've chosen this life for you and your innocent child.

He gets to just carry on as normal and you're allowing it. So what do you want from her, that you're not willing to do for yourself and your daughter?

And tell me: what happens if your dd steps out of line? What then?

I've been the friend (not the sister) who had sat & talked as a friend slated her cheating, untrustworthy husband after she discovered his affair.
I even joined in the condemnation. "He's awful, terrible behaviour" etc etc I agreed with everything she said about how awful he was. I cheered as she told me she'd chucked his clothes out.
I listened as she proudly declared he'd never step foot in her house again, they'd never speak except regards their children etc

Six months later, and they're the "perfect couple", all loved-up. He's the most wonderful man ever, apparently.

I now have to hold my tongue any time I see them, because I feel awkward knowing she knows i slagged him off and appear not to like him ..... but I only said all that in support of her, because she said she's splitting up with him.

Moral of my story, I'm now very careful exactly how much & what I say about a second or third-hand personal relationship.

I obviously disagreed with this guy's affair, as much as I disagree with your husband's abuse. So if I was his sister, I'd probably be struggling to decide exactly how much I said or did .... because she's in exactly the same position I was. You seem to have "accepted" the situation, for want of a better term, she's going to look like the "baddy" if she brings up the abuse again when you're "OK with it".

She most probably hasn't forgiven or forgotten at all. Probably just being cautious about what she says to whom & when,

Hope everything works out for you.

Thank you mrstp i feel confident it won't happen again. (Maybe denial) but I've always looked for support and taken advice.

Mags he wouldn't lay a hand on her. He might at the very most raise his voice with her but he's become a kind and fair Daddy.

I'll bet at the start you never thought he'd lay a hand on you, either.

Something to consider.

Another thing you should consider is there are literally millions of men in the world who are decent and respectful and would never physically or otherwise abuse a woman they supposedly love. So why are you staying with one who does?

You say he is "being a perfect husband" - but look at what else you say:

"since we got back together it would feel almost impossible to bring up stuff"
"I feel more uncomfortable to bring bad stuff up as the weeks go by"
"the likelihood of him getting counselling is slipping away"
"talking about [counselling]... would be turned around [as an attack on me]'"
"he doesn't want to bring up his past. He thinks he's in control"
"I just think he would take it all more seriously if it wasn't just me"

That's not him being a perfect husband. It's him:

• Making you uncomfortable in your home environment - making "comfort" conditional on his terms
• Creating an atomsphere where you toe the line to avoid upsetting him - he's controlling your behaviour and what can and can't be discussed
• Belittling you (re his response to your reasonable requests for a timescale for counselling)
• Thinking your opinion is less valid/important than his (and by extension, that he is more important than you)
• Not taking you seriously (or respecting your concerns).

Also: all of the above has been done/said to you while he's sober.

He should be taking you - and your concerns - hugely seriously. Demonstrating he respects you. You're the one with the power to walk away from all this if he doesn't shape up. And he's not shaping up, because he isn't owning it. If alcohol is the problem, there's plenty of help out there for him to take. If DV/anger is his problem, there's plenty of help for him to take. But he isn't owning the problem. He's making the problem you: that you won't let his problem lie.

It's his problem, not yours to fix. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You cannot change him. He is showing you who he is, and he thinks he's fine as he is. It's easy to be on "best behaviour" to win someone

Your DD is going to see how you and he interact and internalise that as a "normal" relationship. Just as your SIL and DH have internalised dv and "managing men" as "normal" in their family dynamic.

Bear in mind that right now is when he should be on "best behaviour". Remember when you were "really good at making us talk about everything... after I split up with him"? Then you got back together and his mask is already slipping. When your SIL asked how things were, why did you not say you're worried he won't go to counselling? You're covering for him.

It is okay to change your mind and walk away. It doesn't reflect badly on you, and you don't have to wait until it gets physical again.

Prof I think I'm as much to blame for not bringing the past up. I might just be so used to the old eggshell walking life that I'm imagining how his reaction would be.

I don't know why I covered for him. He's being such a star at the moment I didn't want to paint him in a bad light and also we were on a night out and I didn't want to get into a big conversation then. I'll probably speak to her soon.

But OP you do know that you're teaching your dd what a relationship is, don't you?

Do you want that for her?

I'm teaching her what a healthy happy relationship looks like where both partners love each other and their child. I'm not going over this point again mags

Hang on, you didn't want to paint him in a bad light on a night out but you wanted his sister to? That doesn't make any sense. Why are you going to speak to his sister soon? (I'm assuming that's who you meant a couple of posts up but I suppose contextually it could be your daughter you meant) It's not her responsibility to do or say anything in your relationship, it's yours!

I know it doesn't make sense! I don't want her to hate him but I do want her to keep an eye on him and to validate my feelings about what happened by not just forgetting it all . And I know that's unreasonable of me.

OP you are telling his sister that he is great now. Maybe she doesnt realise there is still a problem. Also if youre afraid to bring up difficult stuff, that sounds suspiciously like abuse is starting up again to me

Sometimes men stop being physically abusive because the psychological effect has worked. If you are walking on eggshells, afraid to talk about difficult things, don't ask him to do the basics (like counseling) to improve the relationship and are still with him, he doesn't actually NEED to hit you any more. It's had it's effect.

The test is when things are going badly for him and you are asking for things.

And the calling you names and demeaning you? Two questions. How long did that go on for and did it happen in front of anyone else?