How long would it take you to forgive a male friend/relative who had been abusive to his partner?

[DoggettandBoo2]

Just wondering because I've no idea!!
My friend and SIL was really worried about me when my dh (her brother) was being a dick last year and often asked me if I was ok and when things turned physical I told her all the details last year. She's one of the very few people who knows he became physically abusive at the end.

We went out the other night her and her dh, me and mine and she asked me if everything was ok now which it is and I reassured her he was being a perfect husband. She was totally happy with this and said 'oh that's great, I'm so glad you got back together' and left it there.

She was never angry or upset with him even during him not treating me so well and I'm just wondering if that's normal?

They had quite a dysfunctional upbringing and as young children he was often on his Mum's side and standing up for her and she was a really Daddy's girl despite what their dad being an abusive cunt. So maybe her reaction isn't normal because of this?

I'm rambling and I know I sound hypocritical because I've forgiven him but considering how worried she was about me and my dd last year I'm surprised she's never had anything to say to him about the whole thing.

Is that what you are doing op?

I was really good at making us talk about everything, the really uncomfortable stuff right after I split up with him. I'd look him right in the face and say 'you know you did/ said xyz to me' and kept it from being forgotten but since we got back together it would feel almost impossible to bring up stuff like that. In a weird way I think I hoped she'd get the ball rolling again because I still think he needs to be reminded so he never slides back to that.

You can't rely on other people to keep your relationship healthy though, that's not fair. It's too much responsibility to put on her, especially when she doesn't know you have. If you're concerned that the behaviour is being minimised then you have to address that. If you feel you can't safely address it, why are you still there?

Yes I was just going to say it's not her responsibility to do that. It sounds like you need back up. You have serious questions to ask yourself about your relationship.

My brother was very emotionally abusive towards his DDs mother when she was pregnant. That was 6 years ago and my brother has had other relationships since but I always wonder if he has changed and I suspect he hasn't. My DDs are young but there is no way my brother and his partner will ever look after them as I just don't know what kind of atmosphere they would be exposed to.
Ultimately i can come past his treatment of the ex partner but the thoughts of him still treating other women like that makes me feel very uneasy

I would neither forgive nor forget but if the abused wife decided, for what ever reason, to give her husband another chance then I can't see how my being negative towards the husband would help their attempt at reconciliation and for that reason I would stay quiet.

You sound quite aggrieved when you talk of your sil as though you feel she should punish your dh, yet you, the person who was actually abused, not only stayed with your dh but have forgiven him. If you can forgive him why are you unhappy that your sil has forgiven him?

As someone above has said, you sound really unhappy at your position. Perhaps you should reconsider your decision to stay in this marriage.

I understand how hypocritical I sound. It doesn't make sense to me either and I'd never say anything like this to SIL. What I've learnt is men in that family expect women to 'manage' them and I think I'm guilty of taking that and somehow feeling that SIL should be managing him. I know that's so stupid and out of order I felt embarrassed posting it!

I'm honestly very happy and comfortable in our relationship but I feel more uncomfortable to bring bad stuff up as the weeks go by.

It may be she has decided not to get so involved in your marriage

I personally couldn't forgive an abusive person , in my opinion they don't change , they just cool it for a while and then start up again.

Maybe she's fed up of trying to help because she sees you as not helping yourself , there's only so much a third party can do really.

Well you're honest and self aware so I won't criticise you. You know your stance makes no sense.

I think lots of women expect their in-laws to keep their husbands in line for them, but that's rarely how families operate. Nobody but you can set the boundaries in your intimate relationship.

I'm worried that you can already see some backsliding from Mr Perfect, but rather than admit this and face the horrible prospect that he is simply an abusive person and ultimately you'd be better off without him, you're looking to outside sources to somehow step in and make him be nice again.

I see why you want the support, but it's not a viable long term strategy, which clearly you already know.

Abusive behaviour within a relationship will be repeated. If its been tolerated for all the usual reasons, the perpetrator has carte blanche to repeat and probably increase the level of abuse. Certain factors increase the likelihood of why they abuse but it's always, always unacceptable!

kept it from being forgotten but since we got back together it would feel almost impossible to bring up stuff like that. In a weird way I think I hoped she'd get the ball rolling again because I still think he needs to be reminded so he never slides back to that.

Basically you feel you should STFU - but that your SIL should bring it up to keep your DH in his place?

Personally, I'd leave and never go back. That would 'remind him' of what he's done. Plus you'd never need to be reminded of it, nor scared of his reaction.

Good grief.
Did he get some counselling to deal with his abusive behaviour and violence?

I don't feel exactly like I should STFU but because things are going so well I feel like I can't bring it up anymore and hoped she might. But thinking about it why would she settle down to a deep conversion with her bro at the end of a fun night?!

He will get counselling in time but isn't keen on doing it. More of the wanting to forget about it I think.

I always think I'd find it really hard to accept if I knew for a fact my brother had been abusive but I know again that doesn't make sense with my actions.

If he doesn't want to get counselling and he wants to forget about it, what on earth makes you think he'll get it in the future? If he won't do it now when you're freshly back together and he's on his best behaviour, why would he do it when he inevitably reverts back to who he is?

Honestly I thing the likelihood of him getting counselling is slipping away but I have to tell myself that it's going to happen. Like talking about other stuff, me bringing that up and saying when? Is becoming a taboo as well. It would be turned around as 'when are you going to do xyz?' And list things that I've got in the pipeline like a course for work etc.

Seriously love, you know this is not working don't you? You know where this is going to end up (hint: back where you started because people really do not change if they don't want to) so you have two options 1) get out now before it's too late or 2) accept this is going to get worse and don't blame your SIL when it does and she didn't stop it. It's not on her to control his behaviour. It's not on you either come to that but you can control your own.

I'm not sure what you expect from your SIL tbh. You've forgiven your abusive husband.
Do you want her to remain angry/show this anger?
Do you want her to be too upset to be around your husband? So you in turn lose her support?

She can't do much only accept you've accepted your husband was/is abusive

Never.

Like talking about other stuff, me bringing that up and saying when? Is becoming a taboo as well. It would be turned around as 'when are you going to do xyz?' And list things that I've got in the pipeline like a course for work etc.

You doing a course for work is in no way comparable to him getting counselling. He's got no incentive to go to counselling as you've taken him back anyway. Comments like the above ^^ show you're going down the same road again. I think that's what you want your SIL to pick up on: you want her to step in and help you. But you can't change his behaviour, and nor can she. He is the only one who can change it, and he doesn't want to. If he did he would be grabbing counselling with both hands.

I don't blame or judge her at all and I don't want her to hate him. I think because I told so few people how bad it got, seeing her apparently not too fussed about it makes me feel like maybe I was overreacting to the violence side of things. But then I t could be down to them seeing dv growing up.

I think I'm hung up on it because I don't always trust my own judgement and get told I overreact so I wanted to take my cue from her and other people.

What does "overreacting to the violence side of things" look like? Who tells you that you overreact?

It's okay to leave someone who is violent towards you. Even if it's a one-off slap, it's still okay.

You're expecting his sister to police your marriage because you're afraid to rock the boat by reminding him his behaviour was unacceptable.

Firstly I think sibling relationships are not to be meddled with. I would never take someone's side against my sister. Yes I might tell her myself I didn't like something she did but ultimately she will come first and i won't be falling out with her about anything. So your sil's loyalty to your dh is not really to be reckoned with and you shouldn't try to compare your relationship with him to her relationship with him, it will only wind you up!

Also, I totally understand why you feel reluctant to bring it up and to remind dh he agreed to go to counselling but I think you're going to have to because otherwise you will just resent him and the marriage will only be happy because you're not bringing it up. So he'll be happy but you won't be.

If you bring it up again and he turns it on you and asks when you're going to be doing x, y or z, you'll need to point out to him that the two things are not comparable - his commitment to counselling is a much needed demonstration of his recognition that his abuse of you was unacceptable and yes you've forgiven, but not unconditionally. Your not signing up to a course (or whatever it is he counters with) is inconsequential to your marriage and if insults you again by saying they are comparable them you'll know all you need to know about how seriously he feels about showing you he has changed.

For what its worth I've been in a similar situation to you (no physical abuse but a lot of emotional and financial abuse) and I can totally relate to that thing whereby when things are going well a) you don't want to rock the boat and b) they make it impossible to address it because everything is supposed to be alright.

Every case is difficult and I can't tell you what to do but one thing I can tell you is that it will catch up with you and it will happen again, unless its front of mind as the most important thing he has to deal with.

Sweeping it under the carpet, hoping it will be OK because he happens to be going through a period of being a model husband is not going to erase the underlying issue.

As others have said, it seems like you are trying to outsource the responsibility for policing his behaviour to his sister because you don't feel able to stay on his case with it. This is never going to work.

Ultimately, if you are still bothered by it, its not resolved. You can choose to live on a knife-edge, worrying about when its going to come up again, or you can choose to go. But you can't expect other people to make those decisions and take those actions for you.