Ow cutting my sons hair

[skirainbow]

So my ExH left 11months ago because he was 'so unhappy' after 25 years together and the OW came tumbling out not long after. She is an ex friend. Yesterday she gave my son a haircut. I am fuming, not because of the hair cutting itself, but because she did it .. touching my son, doing the job of a mummy ... is my anger around this (and it is anger) justified?

Very insensitive of her/them.
I'd be bloody furious.

How old is your son? I would be deeply angry - I'd find it disrespectful and invasive - but my sons are 3 and 5 so they'd have little agency in it really.

If your kid is old enough to have asked her to, it would be a bit different though still tactless.

Hugs because it sounds like a very stressful time.

Did your DS ask her to cut his hair? How old is he? If she just chose to do it with no prompting then I agree that it's overstepping a boundary. If your DS is an older child who asked her to style his hair then I wouldn't be too cross - she was doing it to be nice.

Is she a hairdresser? Is it a good cut? I wouldn't see a haircut as the "job of a mummy" necessarily; my DSS used to ask me to help dyeing his hair as a teen and his mum was relieved she didn't have to have the mess and hassle. Your ex is still the child's father and has as much say as you in decisions affecting your DS. I think it depends on the circumstances.

Is it in keeping with his regular style?

If the little ones dad felt the need to get it cut and his partner did a good job and it's not particularly different from usual, then it's probably something you should let go.

I'd be fucking seething.

I've been in a similar position. My ExH and his mother decided to chop off the only tiny little whispy bit of hair my youngest had at about 6.months old. They didn't keep it.

When I told them I was upset as I always keep a lock of my children's first haircut they told me I was overreacting because 'there was barely anything there anyway'. When I pointed out that if that was the case then he didn't need a haircut they couldn't respond.

I am so sorry OP. It is a shit situation.

This is not on. Of course you are furious. You'd think she'd be keeping a low profile after having an affair with a married man. Some people have no shame.

Honestly I think you are overreacting. You don't know that his dad didn't instigate it. Hair cuts are not the job of mummy, they are the job of the parents of which your exh is your sons. He has as much right as you to make those decisions.

I think you are letting her status as the ow cloud your judgement, albeit understandable

Please don't make it a big issue in front of your son. She probably thought she was helping but to you, it feels as if she is encroaching not just on your ex but on your child.

Unless it's a really shit haircut, then you can be annoyed.

Haircuts are hardly the job of the mother. Most of the time, they're done by a hairdresser.

And his father is as responsible for making decisions regarding your son as you are.

It's really intimate and parental - I really wouldn't want someone to do this to my kids.
It'd be good not to show you mind to your son - or in front of him, but I would be really upset by this too. Poor you.

How old is your son and is the OW actually a hairdresser?

Who gives a fuck if she's a hairdresser!

I'd be fucking livid op, what a shit situation.

If his dad thought it was ok what's the problem?

She's not a hairdresser. The cut looks ok.. my son is 10 but he definitely would not have instigated it. I suggested that I take him for a cut only the day before and he said he wanted to grow it. His father would have initiated the cut, although he very clearly knows my feelings around that betraying scheming tart being around my children.

And I am not interested in her being nice.

Oh goodness,that's beyond overstepping the boundary!

This isn't some place of amicability we are in - can you guess?!! I am still finding out new stuff about their deceit and she has the nerve to be confronting of me. It is all still very raw.

I hope you're not saying any of this around your son (the scheming tart etc stuff), because that's really not on.

So from those who think a boundary has been overstepped, what do I do?

Of course I am not calling her names around my children. What do you take me for? My children don't read Mumsnet. And what I call her on an anonymous forum is not relevant to my hair cutting question ffs.

And FYI she calls me names to my ex and my children hear. There is fuck all I can do about that.

Nothing. Don't feed the drama, it will just give them reason to continually goad you.

So I let them walk all over my feelings for how long?

Op get it together. I know you're in pain but you can't start wondering how to make them stop "walking all over your feelings".

Take a deep breath and start to think about how a family court judge would see it if you starting talking about how your feelings were hurt by a haircut.

Is it nice what your ex and his new partner are doing? No. Is this a battle worth fighting? I doubt it.

Do not lower yourself to drama. Focus on being an excellent mother, keep your head and your dignity. Do NOT allow these people this much power over you, and this much space in your head. It's a haircut. Hair grows back. Dignity is much more fleeting.

What would you prefer her to do? Ignore your son and never speak to him? Doing things like cooking tea for kids is a standard parenting role, would you prefer her to let you son starve whilst his with them?
You mentioned ds's Dad probably instigated it, so she's just gone along with his suggestion. Surely at 10 if his dad had said would you like your hair cut and he wanted to grow it, he would have said 'no, I want to grow it' - basically exactly the same as what he said to you? If it's a shit cut take him and get it redone.
Do you actually communicate with your ex-dp? Did you mention your son wanted to grow it a bit? It sounds like such a non issue in the grand scheme of things.