Ow cutting my sons hair

[skirainbow]

So my ExH left 11months ago because he was 'so unhappy' after 25 years together and the OW came tumbling out not long after. She is an ex friend. Yesterday she gave my son a haircut. I am fuming, not because of the hair cutting itself, but because she did it .. touching my son, doing the job of a mummy ... is my anger around this (and it is anger) justified?

Skirainbow here's a hug

I feel so sorry for you, you have done nothing wrong and I can completely empathise with how it must feel like this woman has betrayed you in the worst way and I think her spending time with your son and cutting his hair is a step to far. Emotionally its threatened your position as his mother and a horrible reminder about her doing/taking things/ people away from you. I get that.

I don't know what the answer is, I really don't.

Anger is self destructive though and it will eat you up. You have every right to feel anger towards the pair of snakes, but they're yet to meet their maker. Karma will come.

Focus on you and being the best you can be for you and your son. Have a close relationship with him but try not to say anything about the pair of snakes to him.

We are all here for a hand to hold if you need one (ignore the heartless vipers, empathy is not a gift everyone was given)

skirainbow Be angry. Be incandescent. Run, walk, swim, scream, rant, rave. Get it out but try and keep it away from your children. They can know you're angry but just keep the emotion away from them as much as possible.

Start building a new life. Pour all the energy that the anger gives you into rebuilding your life. If you can't move out of NZ, build your own life there.

With regards to them playing happy families - it's a long game. Be a good mum, have fun with your kid, do nice things together. For now it might be watching to and eating ice cream but you can build from there.

If your counsellor is telling you not to be angry, get a new counsellor or don't bother.

You've got this. Work through each day as it comes. You will come out the other end you will feel happy again. Just stand up and start walking on from this. One step at a time, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your kids. Your kids will look back and say: "My mum was destroyed by that but she got up and she kept going." Inspire them. Show them how to meet adversity. They'll thank you for it

Anger doesn't have to eat you up. It can energise and motivate. Use it!! If you're still continuously angry in 2 years, then you've got a problem. Right now, as you said, how else can you feel right now?

ski and nigel the anger does dissipate- but it takes time, and yes the anger does mask pain and they are both real. My counsellor said it takes at least a month for every year you were together and some to get over this kind of betrayal and I think it takes longer. For me, it took years because they kept on doing things (like the quack) and holidays during school time and countless other stupid but nasty uncessary things that kept bringing the hurt and anger back.

It's been more than 18 years since my ex went off with my friend from across the road and set up a "blended familiy" with her child who was the same age and although I no longer feel anger all the time, it still comes back when I see him or her (which happens too often as they live nearby). I had a dream only last night that I was fighting with her and pulling her hair out and she was still smirking!

I second the channelling, for me it was swimming and horses. You can't be angry around horses, they get angry back and you end up on the floor! I also second getting a new counsellor.

What happened with me was my son realised that it was nicer at my house (we shared 50/50) and as he got older he spent less and less time there and more with me. He says the food is better here and I am an easier going parent. His father looks miserable when I do see him and she looks like she is replacing her huge brood of children with my ex with a menagerie of animals- she can't cope with grown ups or grown up stuff is my son's theory.

But when people tell you to get over it or you should be over it- tell them it will happen when it happens. There is no recipe. You go at your pace and you go gently on yourself. And you stay assertive and ice queenly with your ex and make only necessary contact.

Are there any clubs or teams or events that you can get involved in so that you can enjoy the time that you have when your son is with them? Keeping occupied is helpful especially if the occupation leads to something creative or healthy or great fun.

@skirainbow that is the first post you have made on here that actually addresses the real issues and where you sound rational.

You need to find a better way to manage the anger. As daft as it sounds maybe look into something like kick boxing or something similar to channel it more productively. I found pounding the treadmill at the gym very therapeutic after I was raped.

The issue around being trapped in NZ is one you need to get legal advice on. I don't know anything about their laws but assuming you don't want to move countries and are open to facilitating access then hopefully there is room for manoeuvre.

I get the anger over her being a friend and your feelings of betrayal. But for your own sake and that of your kids you need to try and not to let it define you.

Suicide is not the answer, the kids have already lost their "parents" don't let them lose more. You will be letting them win.

The best punishment for them is for you to hold your head high and get on with your life. Be better than them. Don't rise to her goading, let it wash over you. It will piss her off more than anything.

Fake it til you make it

I absolutely and TOTALLY get why this would upset you.

People up thread who are saying "Meh, it's just a haircut" really don't get it.

I think if your Ex had taken DS to a barbers and your DS had actually wanted a haircut, well, I don't think you would have minded at all.

It's the fact that the OW not only has her claws in your DH (yes, yes, he is at fault too), but now she has extended her claws to your children. She's done something that your DS didn't want. And you have been powerless to stop it, as you weren't there.

That would really get to me, in an almost gutteral way, I think. She is stepping on your territory and I bet you wish she'd just fuck off and die. Sounds harsh, but you're allowed to be angry.

You are only 11 months post split, and I want you to know, that this WILL get easier with time.

My first "D"H cheated on me (many times) and I left him. After 20 years, his whole family cut me off, they literally never spoke to me again. Despite them knowing that he was the cheat. Their reasoning? He was just having a bit of fun, whereas I was splitting up a family. Can you imagine how angry I felt? But I still had to smile sweetly and wave the kids off on holidays with all of them. It was hard.

But time is a great healer, it really is although I still wouldn't piss on any of them if they were on fire You just learn to feel indifferent.

I have rebuilt my life now and have a lovely DH. Four of my close friends have also been cheated on and left....and every single one of them found love again and married again.

In 8 years time, your DS will be an adult and you will no doubt married to someone else, who you will adore, and you will be so thankful that you saw your ExH true colours.

Also, fwiw, your Ex and this OW are both capable of cheating. I used to say (about my Exes girlfriend that came after me) that I was sure he would cheat on her, because, let's face it, if you can cheat on your wife of 20 years, who is the mother of your children, I'm sure you can cheat on a woman you aren't even married to. Guess what? I was right. By the time that poor woman left him, she was an absolute wreck.

Your Ex and OW won't last, they really won't. Because they are of the cheating variety. They are capable of cheating. They are capable of lying. They are capable of these things, and here's the kicker, they both know what the other is capable of. Their "relationship" will be full of insecurities, because they both know what the other is capable of.

Build yourself a new life. Start dating. And when it all goes tits up, ou can watch it from the sidelines, pour yourself a vino and have a little chuckle.

You are worth more than these cheating arseholes. Onwards and upwards....

AFAIK, cutting children's hair without the parents permission is a big deal (eg when children are fostered).

I've had a Google but can't find anything specific, sadly, but I've certainly heard much anecdotal evidence that it is considered assault.

Because it is a control issue. A few step mothers have posted to say they cut their sc's hair but this should not be done without the express permission of both parents.

You are not at all unreasonable to be extremely upset about this op. It is not relevant that 'hair will grow' and you are not making a fuss about nothing. It has long been recognised that cutting hair is a major deal - in all situations but especially re children.

Iiwy I would get this specifically covered legally as part of contact: that hair cuts are to be agreed by both parents. You could specify it is done professionally - this is not unreasonable.

Op I have felt often that it would make no difference were I not here. In my darkest moments I've thought that Once the lies start to my children ( they probably already have), there is nothing to stop them being turned against me.There weren't many tube trains I got on last summer (my lowest ebb), without first wanting to chuck myself underneath them
But that's where the anger helps with self preservation. Were I to give in, they really would have won. And there would be no one to protect my girls (which I get sounds melodramatic but the woman in my case is just so unpleasant and their Dad obviously can't see it)-I had no choice but to carry on-to make my time with them the best it can be, to love them the way they deserve and to answer any questions they have honestly but age appropriately. And that's what I'm trying to do.
My worst times, still, are when the kids are with him (and for all I know, with her-I don't find out until after the fact when the girls come home looking a bit-weird.They find it awkward at best but dare not say that to their Dad as he gets grumpy with them). I don't question them about their time with her/him-just ask if they are ok, and try and make them feel better if they are not. They are going on holiday soon for a week-I am dreading it. I am trying to plan stuff as I know that's when I might sink a bit.

I too wanted to move away. I am far from my family and because she was part of my social circle and we live in a small town-everyone knows my business and it's just horrible. I didn't go as he implied he would fight me on it and I didn't have the strength. And the girls are settled, have their friends etc.Plus he is their Dad and whatever I think of him they need to see him.
To this day a big part of me wishes I had gone. I can't now-dd1 is about to start secondary school-it wouldn't be good for her...I am moving from our old marital home
Though.Just a few miles away to the next town over-so at least if I'm not feeling strong I can avoid going anywhere there is much possibility of bumping in to her. Can you at least do that sort of thing op? I think any little positive change you can make might help?

Tell your son to refuse any of them cutting his hair from now on.

The OW is a stupid b*t.

I was trapped in the gulf with my dd. I had left my abusive partner. It took me a year for him to sign the papers to accept I am leaving with her.

I repeated and repeated I wasn't happy and wanted to leave. He relented eventually. It was a year long negotiation though.

I did try and make a life there as a lone parent but it's so hard without family support thousands of miles away from people that really love you.

I imagine you are angry at him for feeling trapped there. I know I was for while. (He was a narc and a serial cheater)

"Tell your son to refuse any of them cutting his hair from now on."

Right... and when his Dad starts telling him to refuse whatever OP is asking him to do...?!

That's just going to escalate and escalate and the ones that'll be most hurt, as always, are the DC.

I agree with changedname. It's just sad when people allow their jealousy and bitterness to hurt their kids.

I wasn't specifically referring to OP there btw. Just in general.

@wheresthel1ght not helpful. I was not asking if I was being rational. If you can't be compassionate please go elsewhere.

OP I agree with your feelings 100%. How insensitive. I wouldn't show it to DC but I'd be fuming! The OW is playing games and frankly they are both cunts. I would be on the phone immediately, tersely requesting that your ex ensure she keeps her hands off your childs hair unless she asks your permission first. Knowing her part in the breakup of your marriage, she has acted very provocatively and insensitively, and unless she's particularly dense, she did it deliberately, its an attempt to get you riled up and make you appear unreasonable, unhinged etc to your ex. I've seen it before. They are despicable.

Keep all future correspondance between yourself and your ex and ignore as much as you can. DO NOT give either of them the satisfaction. Also please treat yourself to a holiday. You deserve it. Also there really is no guide book for dealing with a fallout like this. You're entitled to your feelings. And if you let the mask slip in front of the DCs sometimes, don't beat yourself up, you're human. This bloody hurts and the anger you feel will be tremendous. It's not healthy to keep it all in. Break some dishes if you want. I promise you the day will come when you'll thank them both for getting out of your life

I must be an idiot.

I absolutely don't understand. Why get so upset about a haircut? As long as it doesn't look silly or embarrass a child?

It takes two to tango. If you feel haircutting is an issue, then don't engage and then it will not become some kind of political football and you can ALL concentrate on the actual important aspects of parenting.

You're not an idiot Cristiane. You're just someone who is lucky enough to not have experienced this.

Of course she shouldn't engage but it still hurts like fuck.

I won't be telling my children anything. I will simply smile and say nice hair.

Cristiane I can only assume you have never been through such a cruel breakdown of a marriage and the betrayal of a husband and friend. And I can only assume that you have no capacity to find empathy with what a fellow woman who is beside herself with grief for everything she thought was real and safe is gone- to another woman who she thought was her friend. And I can only assume you have never had to deal with the feeling that she has taken not only your partner but now your child.

The haircut is both symbolic and also a very real manifesation of how little thought or care either of the two people who have caused the hurt have given to the people they have hurt and the lives they have wrecked. It is not just a haircut, it is a boundary step too far. It cocks a snook at the mother of the child and it is a decision that is not for the OW to make.

Things are not cut and dried (no pun intended), actions like the haircut are evidence that the woman believes that she can do whatever she likes. I hope this helps you to understand.

ski I am sorry if I have spoken for you, I know you are at a low ebb and you are getting some difficult responses here (along with other very supportive ones). I find it hard to understand how others don't see how incredibly crass the ow's actions have been. I have shed a tear today for all the mothers who are having to co-parent their children with someone they no longer trust.

Cristiane-do you really not see that's it's not simply about a haircut?

Thank you to flamingo and to everyone else who has been kind. The stress of this is definitely making me ill.

It's so hard op...thinking if you.

It made me ill too, the upside was a massive weight loss. But 7 stone was too light. I just could not eat. It took 5 years to regain some of the weight and I have never put it all back on again.

How are you doing skira?