Ow cutting my sons hair

[skirainbow]

So my ExH left 11months ago because he was 'so unhappy' after 25 years together and the OW came tumbling out not long after. She is an ex friend. Yesterday she gave my son a haircut. I am fuming, not because of the hair cutting itself, but because she did it .. touching my son, doing the job of a mummy ... is my anger around this (and it is anger) justified?

Over the years you'd be surprised how many children have been brought into the salon for a haircut by one parent, simply for the sole intention of pissing the other parent off.

I think you are over-reacting slightly. Your child is ten it's not like they pinned him down to cut his hair. You're hatred is so strong towards them she could do anything and you would be annoyed.

I find it crazy that a few people can belittle this suggesting the OW has done the OP a favour by cutting his hair.

It's the bigger picture, surely. OP was married for many years when her ex friend wangles in and steals her DH. Yes of course her exH has the loyalties but as a friend she did too. OP is continually finding out more snippets of their seedy deceit and at 11 months post discovery she's still within those feelings of hurt, anguish and despair.

And now this same woman, is homing in on cutting her sons hair, especially when the XH knows the situation on this. No respect for OP at all.

I feel for you OP. I would feel exactly the same as you. Have you spoken to your XH and told him how you feel? I don't think it'll get you anywhere but it's worth mentioning otherwise you might find yourself feeling the same after the next thing she takes control of!

Just a question, how can he dictate where you live? Has it been through any court? He's cheated and left you and you presumably want to move closer to family? Don't stay somewhere with no support because he bully's you.

It's so frustrating reading the usual mumsnet double standards. People saying his father has as much right as OP to make these decisions and therefore it's reasonable etc. Oh and the stuff about OW needing to take on a maternal role ffs. If this was the other way round, and the OP was the one who'd left and had a new partner, she'd be getting roasted for evening considering introducing the kids at this stage! Never mind allowing this stranger to cut their hair!! I'm not surprised you're angry OP.

Even not evening

I can't believe how many people think a hair cut is a significant deal. It's a hair cut. When she starts choosing his colleges etc be pissed off.
There is an anger towards a woman and a man who betrayed their friend. I'd be annoyed by their breathing but there is nothing can be done unfortunately, you have to reserve for energy for when it gets really tough

Mintychoc she wasn't a stranger yeah the OW maybe but used to be a friend and that's what OP is pissed about the hair cut is just spurring her anger on

I'd feel the same as you in this situation OP.

I'm a parent and a step parent (wasn't an OW for the record, I met their dad years after the divorce) and I wouldn't consider giving my step daughters a haircut because:
1 I'm not a hairdresser
2 I respect how they want their hair to look (and they always look good anyway)
3 It's not my place to cut their hair, it just wouldn't cross my mind?

But that's probably because I'm not a game playing bitch

Anyway you know the ex and ex friend best, whether this incident was simply overstepping the mark or if it's a wider part of their game playing.

All you can really do is politely ask them not to do it again. Be assertive but don't get into an argument. Not great I know but I think if you do anything more you're feeding into their drama and game playing.

ski you are not unreasonable to have your feelings of anger and betrayal at all. I was in your situation many years ago although I knew I wanted my son to have a good relationship with his father it did not mean that ow was ever to be in loco parentis and make decisions for my son.

Unfortunately it's true that there is little you can do about the haircut (although you could ask that in future if your son needs a cut you would rather his father took him to the barber - entirely within his role, or left it to you to take him).

I'm sure you don't let your anger leak out in front of your son, you are right this is the place to vent. It hurts and it adds to the already huge hurt of discovering the ow, that she was a friend and and now she is taking on roles that she is not entitled to take on.

To the pp who suggested that the ow will be taking on a mother role, I would say that your are both insensitive and WRONG. The child is with his father and new partner. The child has a mother, the other woman has no parental responsibility and should not be making decisions on about the child on anything more significant than whether it's sausages or fish fingers for supper.

In my case the ow took my son to a quack therapist with made up syndromes and had him diagnosed with all manner of quackery. His father allowed it but didn't attend or tell me till my son announced he had allergies and dyspraxia and other nonsense. I went to the dr and a solicitor who wrote a letter threatening a prohibited steps order if she did anything further that could be deemed as unnecessary medical treatment. My son is now 22, plays football for a team, has no allergies and there is no sign of the made up dyspraxia.

Pick your battles, a haircut feels like a very intimate thing for her to do, suggest it might be a good dad and son bonding thing at the barbers. But keep your ears pricked for stuff that's undermining you. Be the sugar plum fairy in your dealings and words about sons father.

I truly understand the awfulness of this overstepping of her role.

I understand why you're angry OP. All the - he's their father too comments really piss me off.Thanks for stating the fucking obvious. But you know what? Good fathers don't break up their children's family units with affairs. The jilted wives are not just angry with their own hurt but they've also got to face the hurt and pain and confusion of the children which has been heightened by the very person who was supposed to protect them. If you haven't got your devastated children up for school the day after their dad has left the family home for another woman then you can hang your sanctimony hat at the door.

Rant over

op I've been there. The pain willl get more manageable. I don't think I'll ever 'get over' the shock and hurt of the betrayal but it's easier to live with now.

Don't give your ex any emotion. No anger, no tears, nothing. Shut down - he doesn't deserve it. In the long run he'll hate it more than anything else. Fake indifference until it's what you feel.

Cry and rave to friends and family. Let your children see you're sad but keep it toned down. They need to believe you're ok so they can be ok. One of their parents has done a really shocking thing and what they will want more than anything else right now is calm and normality so they can process and breathe and recover.

Ignore the haircut. Tell your son it looks nice. He knows what's going on and in the longer term, he'll know how great you are for sucking it up for him

PP I am not entirely sure you that's a fair stereotype.
I'm not the OW but I am the step mother. My step son stopped seeing his mother in 2014 but from 4/5 month into mine and his fathers relationship I cut his hair, back in 2008.
His father used to take him to the barbers, however as I had done a barbering course in college we decided - with my step son thinking it was great - that I would do it at home.
We aren't all game playing bitches.
His mother played the games by shaving his head bald the following day at 3 years old making him look awful people actually asked if he was unwell!!
Just because they are their child doesn't make it OK for the biological parent to play games.
If his father took him to a barber it would have been fine.

Or their mum has left home for another woman/ man etc.., didn't mean to be sexist. Some great dads out there too!!

Wow, I feel for you op in regards to the situation with ex, Perhaps you could do with some councilling to help you get through it all, Strengthen yourself up.

Running - it's not just dads. In our case it is dp's exw who had several affairs and then kicked dp out. She made demands for a big expensive house and the lifestyle that went with it and then whinged that he was working all the time to pay for it all. This was told to me by her own mother and hinted at by her in the early days so not my partner trying to gloss over things. Mums can be disgusting fuckers and trash t be or families too.

In spite of it being her doing she still treats me like I am responsible, goes out of her way to use the kids aa pawns etc.

The op has every right to be hurt but her anger is not healthy and whether she realises it or not her kids will know. It's a hair cut ffs, it's not like she had the child pierced or tattooed. I genuinely think the OP needs to gather some perspective because encouraging this awful behaviour and terminology is only going to end up hurting her kids.

Ultimately he has has left, he has picked the ow. She is part of his life and their family now. Yes it is shit but unfortunately there is nothing anyone can do about it.

How did your DS feel about the haircut? Was he cajoled into it? Was it insisted on? Did it make him feel uncomfortable?
I'd let that guide your response. I'd also have to try quite hard to squash thoughts of what I'd like to have done to that pair of cheating low lifes with a sharp pair of scissors.

I'm not surprised you're furious OP. I'd be telling them if they touched his hair again I'd be taking a chunk off her hair with scissors. I might not really do it, but I'd be angry enough for the threat to make them take notice.

When's - I corrected that two posts down. Apologies to all lovely dads.

The op's anger is healthy and normal. It's just not helpful for her kids right now.

I don't buy the "your anger damages your children" platitude. If you fuck someone over they will be angry. Children get that. Pretending everything's fine when it's not is not helpful.

I agree that the anger over the haircut is misplaced but it's certainly human and very understandable.

Children can see real emotion and they can be modelled how to deal with anger and hurt with courage and resilience.

OP I am more concerned about the bit where you said he won't let you leave the country and come home.

I was in that situation.

What's going on with that?

Apologies running we must have cross posted.

But I disagree that the anger doesn't damage the kids. It does, they may not show it now but it will come out. It took my stepson 2 years for it to come out. He would smack his head off walls, hit and scream at his mum... Never showed it here, has always been calm and lovely.

It came out he was angry and hurt about her behaviour, he knew she has instigated everything and he was struggling to cope with her playing the poor hard done to ex and yet knowing she had had an affair. No one has told him but kids are not dumb. He knew.

We have actively lied to him as she demanded or risk losing contact - and trust me the n inside she threatened to tell everyone who would listen were awful and would have seen him jailed. I HATE lying but as much as I hate her behaviour i and we did it to protect dp but mostly because no kid deserves to be told outright what a scum one of their parents really is.

Her posts here are seething and no one can hide that amount of hatred in real life. She is blaming the ow entirely but actually her exh is the actual one at fault. He didn't just fall over and find his penis in her vagina. He made an active choice to betray his wife. He is the scum. The ow is not blameless but it is by no means her fault either

wheres But it's not the anger that was damaging - it was the way it was dealt with.

When my ex left I was furious. There was no other way I could possibly feel. I didn't feel much towards the ow - it wasn't really about her (for me) it was about ending a twenty year marriage and family in the sudden and cruel way that he did. I couldn't hide that anger. I have never felt anything like it.

I tried to shield my kids from it and I found ways and support to deal with it but all the "wisdom" telling me that I was damaging my kids because I felt angry was really horrible. You can't help how you feel but you can try to control how you behave.

If you don't want your kids left with an angry ex, don't treat her/ him like shit. If you want your kids to like you, don't treat their primary carer like (s)he's shit. Simples.

I managed my anger as best as I could but inevitably the kids witnessed a lot of it. I was devastated and then left to deal with my own trauma and theirs singlehandedly.

Two years on they all seem ok. No headbanging yet...

I agree with the self pity. Kids hate a pity fest.

I hear what everyone has said about anger and it not being a good thing, but how on earth do you stop it? It is there all the time. I really don't care about him and her, but I do care about my children spending time with a woman with neither integrity nor empathy. I can't move home because NZ has complicated guardianship laws and he has to agree to me moving anywhere. I am trapped in this small town watching them play families with my children and I can't even move without his agreement. I can't afford anymore counselling and I am sceptical it is working anyway cause all she does is tell me not to be angry. I take a maximum dose of anti depressants and I can't see a way through anymore. Really, I think about dying everyday. 😟

Aww that's horrible you really must be so low, You sound like you need to get away clear your head, Take the kids with you if you feel it will make you feel better, Distance yourself from reality for a bit, Life sounds really stressful for you right now, Take some time out.
And perhaps get a new councillor?

Op that's so awful you're feeling like that
You're therapist should not tell you not to be angry that's a crock of shit, it's only just happened to you.
Find a new one if you can afford to.
You should be allowed to be as angry as you like

Bring the anger on here or with friends, but don't let them see it EVER. They'll use it against you.
Eventually it will subside

No real advice other than that.

What a horrible situation. Your anger is a completely normal, human and understandable response.

I don't know that there is a magic solution - I'm 2 years on and have various coping mechanisms, but the anger is just below the surface where xh is concerned. These are some of the things I have done:

Built a wall between me and xh. I communicate the basics with dd but other than that I ignore, ignore. It drives him nuts and keeps me from letting rip and saying things I shouldn't.

I have fantastic friends and family who I have ranted and raved at.

I regularly go to yoga, and come out much calmer and clearer. The breathing, the meditation aspect, the physicality, and the feeling I have a new skill and am learning new things help.

I went on a yoga retreat for a few days and cried constantly. It was very cathartic. I think the anger was masking deep hurt.

Finally, I used the anger to get me into a safer space - to get things set up for me and dd, to give me courage to find a new job and start living again. Something about living a good life as a massive fuck you.

It took a long time for the anger to simmer down and for the first year I either felt angry or numb. Day by day things got better and I'm now broadly happy and have a much richer and fulfilling life than I did previously when married.

You have to be really kind to yourself, and channel an ice queen in your communications with the pair of them and don't engage with their low level game playing.

My ids have worked out for themselves due to the person involved and the fact that thy aren't idiots-that I am hurt and upset.Ive tired not to appear so I didn't of them, but sometimes to my shame I have failed. If you have to see the person that has screed you over so entirely on a weekly sometimes daily basis (our kids are in the same class and play for the same sports team), if all you have are mutual friends, if you become aware of the lies that are being told about you, if the woman involved smirks at you at every opportunity-it's pretty hard to remain sanguine all the time.
I as very ill after I found out, and I ended up losing my job (which is started the same day I found out as bad luck would have it) The ramifications of it have been massive. But only for me. He and she are fine. I wouldn't be human if it didn't burn a bit...and neither would you op.

I'm looking into yoga or Pilates-I feel unfit mentally and physically. Maybe that would help