Ow cutting my sons hair

[skirainbow]

So my ExH left 11months ago because he was 'so unhappy' after 25 years together and the OW came tumbling out not long after. She is an ex friend. Yesterday she gave my son a haircut. I am fuming, not because of the hair cutting itself, but because she did it .. touching my son, doing the job of a mummy ... is my anger around this (and it is anger) justified?

Myheart you seem more upset than the op. I asked if she was a hairdresser and the age of the child because an older child agreeing to ow, who is a trained hairdresser, cutting his hair is a heck of a lot different than a toddler having his hair hacked by an untrained scissor happy ow.

I think you're reading more into it than there is. My DSS frequently looks like his hair needs a good cut week in week out. Sadly though I am petrified of his mother so do nothing. The poor sod has to go around looking like a scruff instead.

You admit he needed his hair cutting and you didn't manage to convince him. She's done you a favour.

I can understand why you are bitter but I think you are overreacting.

I'd have to say something but i'd probably be wrong.
i'd tell your ex that she was not to cut his hair or take on the role of parent as she isn't his parent.
If he wants to make parental decisions then it's he who makes the appointments at the hairdressers, or buys him clothes, etc.

tell him if she continues to call you names in front of your children you will be going for supervised access.

Did you mention your son wanted to grow it a bit?

Why would she?

You admit he needed his hair cutting and you didn't manage to convince him. She's done you a favour.

Rubbish. The DS wanted to grow it, it's not a matter of convincing him. Do you force your children to have their hair how you want it?

Frankly stepping you can bugger off. She has not done me a favour. A favour ( or doing the right thing as some people call it) would be to keep her distance when my kids are with him.

Pick your battles; this isn't worth getting wound up about. It really isn't.

"Tell him if she continues to call you names in front of your children you will be going for supervised access."

Yeah, that'll happen

Massive overreactions from you, OP, and some pps here IMO. Your exH is as much your DCs parent as you are and just as entitled to make decisions about him.

Yes, it would be better if you could talk to each other about these sorts of things, but it sounds like you (and I assume he) are a long way off that. Although I have to say that getting your child a haircut (whoever does it) is not something to get too precious about. It's hair. It grows back at that age.

Generally a ten year old will know their own mind enough not to get forced into anything like a haircut if they don't want it, so presumably he changed his mind. Kids do that.

Try and let go of the anger as it won't change what's happened in the past, won't really bother your ex and it'll just turn you into someone you don't want to be.

Oh dear I don't think this is about his hair really, is it? And that's totally understandable. It's shit, what your exH did to you and your family and what the OW did as well.
The same happened to my DM when I was young; 'D'F went off with her best friend, we were expected to play happy families. Pathetically they barely lasted a year. It was awful but DM handled it beautifully... on the surface. Through talking in the years since, I now know what a dark place she was in and so my heart goes out to you. People can be so shit.

I can understand your pain but for your own sake please seek some help. You are angry but it was a haircut. As others have said, this is not worth it. You asked what you can do about it. Nothing. Nothing bad or wrong has happened - your son's father asked her to cut his hair, she did, and it looks fine. His dad is capable of making parental decisions like a haircut - no boundaries have been overstepped.

Your son will probably pick up on your anger and for his sake some counselling might be a good way of dealing with your pain over the affair.

oh lovely, 11 months is still not long, especially if stuff is still coming out about what they have done. It will still be raw for a while. It will get better than it is now.

ask ds what he thinks of it. if he did not want his hair cut teach him how to be more assertive and not give in.

Your question is - is the anger justified?

My answer, I can understand why you are angry, yes justified, but not to be carrying on over it no, this continuous anger and wanting to do something about it isn't justified.

I am in a similar position op-my h was having an Affair with my best friend for a year and a half (that I know about), before I found out.
She is now, a year later, starting to spend time with my children when they are at their Dads.She seemingly has zero shame about her behaviour-and like the woman in your case hasn't got any decency about doing things she knows will cause me even more pain-in fact I'm actually fairly sure she takes some
Sort of twisted pleasure in it.
I obviously hate this woman. What she did to me and the way she went about it-totally unforgivable.I know her to be capable of the worst kinds of lies and mental head fuckery. I don't want her anywhere near my kids and I Certainly wouldn't want her cutting their hair.

But here's the rub-to add insult to the initial mortal Injury-there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Nothing you say to your ex is going to stop him allowing this sort of thing-because this is what he wants-to play happy families... he didn't care about you enough not to do it in the first place-he's not going to give a stuff what you think now. I keep forgetting that and almost believing mine might be half way decent- then he does something that reminds me he is far from it....which hurts, but is useful in so far as it's helping me to get out of the mindset of trusting him in any way at all.

I've no constructive advice (as I need a way through this myself) but just wanted to say I empathise with your feelings of anger and just how sick you feel knowing your children are with someone (two people) that have done you such serious harm. Pp are right, the anger does sometimes feel all consuming and it isn't good for you (except that some days it's all that gets me up and keeps me going-that bit of fight in me that says I won't let them win sort of thing).I am having some counselling and have been for a while-and it does help-a little bit.

It depends on the circumstances.

Did your son change his mind about the haircut?
I think that you should be pissed off that your ex asked his partner to do it unless your son says that she suggested and cut it.

For me, if my ex husband did that it would make me feel looked down on and like I don't even look after my own son. So get the OW to do it. Totally understand your anger. I'd be fuming too

I'm sorry this has happened to you too Nigel's. It is so so shit. I live overseas and just want to come home and start again but he won't even allow me to move to another place in this country.

I've just realised re-reading that my posts seem a little cold op, i do totally understand why it upset you, it has to be hard having two people you trusted betray you like that. I still think its better not to rise to it, some people get off on knowing they've pushed your buttons and its better just to let it go and hope they get bored rather than turn it into some kind of sick bonding thing between them if you know what i mean? Did your kids have much to do with her beforehand, would he have been comfortable saying no to her?

I met my partner a year and a half after he separated from my step sons mother. Around 4/5 month into the relationship when I began to be around my stepson, I cut his hair. We had clippers as my OH shaved his head, and I wasn't a qualified hairdresser or barber but I had studied it. It's not a difficult thing to learn.
I assume she will be taking on a 'mother-type' role when around your son.
I understand why it would be hurtful, I had all this off my OH ex too, albeit she was engaged and pregnant, living with a man who she got with 2 weeks after she and my OH split. So didn't really have a leg to stand on.
She then took him to the barbers the day later and the barber said well it looks like a fresh cut what do you want me to do and she shaved his head to the bone. A 3 year old boy who looked awful because of his mother's pettiness.
You don't have to be OK with it. But don't stoop to a level of pettiness and go belittling her in front of your son. His opinion should be his own not a reflection of yours

May I add - BOTH parents have the right to decide who cuts their child's hair.
Think of it this way..
Your friend was still your friend, who hadn't done the dirty with your ex, and she was over at the house, son needs his hair cut but barbers had closed now - she offers as she was there - would you have accepted?
It's because she is the OW you don't like it - but she gave him a hair cut - you were going to take him to the barber - it's a win win in my opinion

I totally get it. I get why you are angry and upset.

But look at it factually. His dad arranged a hair cut. His dad is legally as much the childs parent as you are. Kicking off about this will make you look petty. And if, as someone suggested, you tried to change his visits based on this you would get nowhere and make it look like you are the problem.

Its shit. Really shit. But having a go will get you nowhere and legally you dont have a right to do so.

SkiRainbow I know you won't like it but chances are your son is telling them he is happy for them to do his hair and you another thing. It's one thing I've learned from being a parent and step-parent is children are great at playing separated parents off against one another.
She isn't going to stop being around your son. So how she conducts herself actually goes a long way when around him.
Hopefully she treats him with the respect she failed to treat you with but that's what has p*ssed you off in the grand scheme of things.
If she is badmouthing you in front of your son then step to her and tell her to knock it on the head. However, your anger about her relationship and what she has done to you is not worth causing unnecessary upset to others over a hair cut - your son included.
If they suggested the hair cut and your son never said no, then she did the right thing.
If they hadn't of told you it was the OW and they'd been to the barbers would you have been angry? It boils down to your anger with her which I totally get but a hair cut isn't worth losing your own hair over

Tbh there is nothing you can do.

This women is going to be around your kids when there with there dad and that's a fact, you can't stop her being there.. he's not going to care what you think and will do what he wants with the kids in his contact time...

I can understand your still hurt but the hair cut isn't that big of a problem considering it needed cutting anyway

So sorry you are in this terrible situation, you must feel emotionally exhausted, and inconsiderate comments and actions, such as cutting your child's hair, what a bloody nerve, no wonder your furious, yet another betrayal, just rubs salt in. I hope things improve for you soon OP. Have you got support in RL? Sounds like you could do with some supportive friends and family around you to help you build a new life for you and your boy. Wishing you all the very best.

Surely at 10 if his dad had said would you like your hair cut and he wanted to grow it, he would have said 'no, I want to grow it' - basically exactly the same as what he said to you?

Actually in many circumstances that's simply not the case I'm afraid. The balance between parenting styles of a mother and father does split when the children lead separate lives with each, I have witnessed.

My DS is 12 and with me lives in an environment now where he communicates wishes thoughts and feelings with me, where we discuss and negotiate.

With his father it's now just in two ways - crazy hedonistic fun and authoritarian. So if his father said "you're getting a haircut" I think my DS would go along with it against his wishes, because dad said so.

And when he switches from house to house he changes his personality a bit to fit the mood it seems.

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. How does your DS feel about it? I'd be more annoyed that his wishes weren't taken into account. And of course of you have a strong relationship with your DS, you'll hear how unhappy he is, if that's the case, not his dad.

It's another fallout pattern that you have to deal with in separation.

I think your only reacting like this because it's the OW, if it was a step mum it'd be a non issue. It's a haircut. Not his first Christmas, or tooth fairy visit, or trip to santa.
My dad took my son for his first hair cut. I was at work. It's a non issue to me.

They'll be far more things to get annoyed about, save your energy for those.