I can't cope with the DCs as DH passed away

[rubbishmumof5]

Not sure what or why I'm posting I just have no one in real life I feel like I can talk too.

DH died nearly a month ago he had cancer we only found out 5 months before he died that he had it. I was pregnant at the time and it all happened so fast

He was the best parent in the world so much better than me and we are all lost without him.

The oldest DCs are so upset all the time DD1 doesn't like being around us anymore and the younger ones ask for him and they just don't understand he isn't coming back no matter how many times I explain it.

Today just seems like it would never end. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I just couldn't deal with him anymore so I left him in a room to cry alone and then I felt so guilty about it I cried too.

Which made me late getting the DCs from school/ nursery so they were upset.

Then just before bedtime DD2 got upset because I wasn't as good at hugging as DH. She said that she wished I would go to heaven and she could have DH back. DD1 then chimed in saying she wishes I had died as well in fact she would be happy if I went to heaven to and she could do what she liked. DD2 then got upset because she didn't really want me to die she just wants her daddy back.
It then took over an hour to get them go to bed.

I don't know what to do for them any more they just want their dad and I can't bring him back. I wish I had died instead of him I just miss him so much.

Hi OP. You are doing amazing, well done. As a previous poster said it is important to not hide your tears from your kids. Initially this was what I was doing with mine until a bereavement councillor told me otherwise. If I had continued to do that my kids would have learned from me that you must suppress how you feel. So I stopped hiding when I needed to cry (obviously within reason) and they took cue from me. I am now into my second year and for me it has definitely gotten a lot easier. The rawness is gone, laughter has come back into the home and there are no more firsts. I know it's absolute sh**t now with little light at the end of the tunnel but things WILL get easier. It sucks but we must stay strong for the kids as we have no other option. We are not able to throw in the towel and take to the bed. The kids kept me going too and kept me busy, focusing on them helped. Please reach out for support if you can it made my journey so much more bearable.