I can't cope with the DCs as DH passed away

[rubbishmumof5]

Not sure what or why I'm posting I just have no one in real life I feel like I can talk too.

DH died nearly a month ago he had cancer we only found out 5 months before he died that he had it. I was pregnant at the time and it all happened so fast

He was the best parent in the world so much better than me and we are all lost without him.

The oldest DCs are so upset all the time DD1 doesn't like being around us anymore and the younger ones ask for him and they just don't understand he isn't coming back no matter how many times I explain it.

Today just seems like it would never end. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I just couldn't deal with him anymore so I left him in a room to cry alone and then I felt so guilty about it I cried too.

Which made me late getting the DCs from school/ nursery so they were upset.

Then just before bedtime DD2 got upset because I wasn't as good at hugging as DH. She said that she wished I would go to heaven and she could have DH back. DD1 then chimed in saying she wishes I had died as well in fact she would be happy if I went to heaven to and she could do what she liked. DD2 then got upset because she didn't really want me to die she just wants her daddy back.
It then took over an hour to get them go to bed.

I don't know what to do for them any more they just want their dad and I can't bring him back. I wish I had died instead of him I just miss him so much.

I am so sorry about your DH mumof5 I don't know how your doing it but the fact that your even managing to get your DC to school some of the time is a miracle as far as I'm concerned.

Daisys dream are a very good charity that help children when they've lost someone they love so much but I know they only cover certain areas.
These are a couple more charitys that help children and they're familys
childbereavementuk.org/
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

I can't imagine what your all going through but I hope you all find some love,support and comfort around you.

Oh OP, this post has just made me cry. I'm so so sorry for everything you're going through. I don't have any advice as such except that you're clearly doing your very best at an incredibly difficult time. Please don't give up, you're doing so well!
I hope you've got some good support around you, please make sure you're looking after yourself

I think you're asking a lot of yourself right now. Just getting out of bed is miraculous and you are managing so much more. Everything will feel like a bad compromise, your guilt will be there in spades, but in actual fact you are being a quite outstanding parent right now, if you could only see it.

Do keep asking for help, it will arrive. All the organisations people have suggested. Nobody could cope with this alone.

I think the holiday might be a good idea if you can persuade/bribe your DD. It will be like a holiday, only a different kind. It will do you all good to have another adult or two around to dilute the pressure, I think.

Wherever you are there will be mumsnetters around you. Have a look on the local boards and see whether there is someone you like the look/sound of. Also like other people have said MacMillan and Winston's wish. We are all itching to help you, and things will get better, even just for reaching out on here.

It's very early days. I'm not going to say it will get better but you will get more used to it with time. IYSWIM Don't read too much into the kids comments, their emotions must be all over the place.

How old are your DC? (very roughly so you don't out yourself)

You sound like you are doing amazingly well. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I hear Winstons wish could really help. Take care of yourself too

I'm so very sorry to hear about your DH. Life is so cruel at times & Cancer is a bastard.

How old are your DC?

It hasn't even been a month yet, you are doing well to just get through each day & mostly get them into school.

Farm the kids out whenever anyone offers, it might be easier to split them up amongst people as 5 is quite a lot on top of their own, but also so they get more attention/time with their friends rather than just all together.

Try not to let their comments get to you too much, they just don't know how to express their grief & are angry, the only safe person to be angry with is you :(

If you think going to your BIL's is a good idea, then go. Tell DD it's NOT a holiday, it's just spending sometime with BIL because you all need to be with family & he needs to be with you.

Please ring WW & other smaller local charities too. They are out there & can be brilliant.

Post here as much as helps you - rant, cry, whatever you need, but don't feel obliged to when you don't want to.

5 minutes at a time xx

I'm in the midlands if I can help

Op. You are an amazing mother. It's obviously going to take time for everyone to heal, your kids don't hate you as much as it feels like they do. My mother told me she wished it was me when my twin died so I have a slight understanding. People lash out when they're emotional and I'm not surprised you're finding it difficult. It Will get better though, you've got a lot on your plate. I hope you have some real life help

I lost my dad when I 4 years old, it's so hard to process such a grownup thing as such a small person with so little life experience.

The best thing you can do is keep your husbands memories alive, talk to your kids about him when they bring him up and make it a positive.

I remember telling my mum I wished it had been her for years after his death and even blamed her. It's a natural reaction. Don't feel like a bad mother, you're mourning to but still trying to keep life going.

Contact Winstons Wish, they're a fantastic bereavement charity who supported my family and they really did make a massive difference to me.

DD1 is 10 DD2 is 8 DS1 is 4 DS2 is 2 and DS3 is 4 months old.
I think the holiday would be good just to get away from the house but DD 1 is adamant that she doesn't want to go.

You are unbelievable OP and I mean that in in truest sense of the word. If DD1 doesn't want to go could she stay with a friend whilst you are away? You could offer it as an option but my guess would be that she will want to stay with you and her siblings when it comes to the crux. I have the greatest respect for you and your strength.

Wish I had some words of advice - but just adding so you know there are lots of people thinking of you right now. Hope you get support that helps soon.

Op

It's entirely possible I am reading between the lines too much here, but don't let them push you around. Yes, as children who have lost a parent they are to be pitied, but that doesn't give them carte blanche to treat you as they wish and to say such awful things.

In fact, the opposite. In a world which as they have sadly discovered can deliver some hard blows, consistency and boundaries are still very important.

Along with Winston's Wish. Another amazing charity helping children with the loss of a parent is Grief Encounter. Definitely worth a call. Wishing you strength at this challenging time op

Goodness, this is so sad. I wish.i could come and give you all a huge hug xxx

A month is nothing and the process of grieving for all of you has only just begun. Please don't be afraid of reaching out for help from those around you and from organisations like CRUSE, Gingerbread and Macmillan. They are there to help people who have lost the ones they love.

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things but please, don't feel you are alone, there are people who can and will help you.

I don't really know what to say to help, but I hope some happiness comes to your household soon :)

Fuck, that's just awful

I think you should go on holiday if you possibly can. Just other adults being around will be a big help, hopefully.

Can you convince dd1 that it would be a lovely thing for her mummy and siblings? As pp have said she is acting out against you but maybe the holiday would be something to pull you together? Ignore me if that's not right. But it sounds like she's looking for someone to blame right now.

My heart goes out to you, shout up if you need anything. Mumsnet is good at support. I've been on the receiving end of it myself before and found it invaluable.

I'm so sorry about your DH OP (sorry but I'm not referring to you as rubbishmum x).

Lots of advice on here, I wanted to point you towards WAY (widowed and young - you have to be under 50 when your partner died which I'm guessing from your kids ages you are). My dh died nearly 4 months ago and I'm finding it helpful to have a network of people who get what I'm going though because they are too.

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment. Your post is so very sad.

When my friend lost her dh, her dd was just 2yo. She was supported by the charity Homestart for a while. They offered her practical help with looking after her dd which gave her a little bit of vital time for herself. She also got enormous support from the charity WAY (Widowed And Young). It might be worth seeing if they have a branch near you. My friend found it helpful to be around people who had gone through the same kind of experience who genuinely understood what she was going through.

www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Your eldest dc is not the parent, you are. She doesn't get to dictate what happens in the family over holidays. As difficult as it is to overrule her you have to just tell her that you are her mum and you will decide whether and where to go on holiday. Try not to let her slip into the default role of the other parent simply because she is the eldest as it will be seriously bad for her emotional welfare in the long term.

Be kind to yourself as well, it is only a month since your DH died and it will get better in time, it's just that you can't speed through grieving for a loved one, no matter how much you would like to.

I am so sorry for all of you, My Dad died suddenly when I was eight and it was very hard but actually one thing I do remember is that his brother didn't provide much support and so I missed the opportunity to learn about my Dad's family and childhood.
You have probably done all this but I would tell her that DBIL is missing Daddy too and is doing what Daddy would have done had been the other way round. Explain that Daddy would want her to know what his family was like as he isn't able to tell her himself. He also would want you all to have a holiday and you all to have support. 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Maybe you could suggest to your eldest child that one of the days on the holiday you have a remember Dad day.. Where you get to cook all the foods he liked, watch a movie he liked, write things to him on blown up balloons and release the balloons into the sky, build a sandcastle for him, have a pizza or chinese evening and all talk about your favorite memories of your husband and their dad. If your eldest is old enough can she arrange something of her own, a favorite story she can tell about something silly Dad did, how he made her laugh or cry, the time he fell over in the snow, there must be a funny memory she has of her Dad...Tell them it is okay to laugh or cry and share with the pictures and memories yourself of when they were born, how you met, age appropriate obviously. Then have a bonfire and toast marshmallows and have popcorn and just cuddle and talk lots about him

Gosh reading your post has broken my heart.

I was 8 when my mum died. I found her dead too. She was 33 and had had a very unexpected brain haemorrhage. Sorry, that's probably really difficult to read right now.

When it happened I had nightmares, an awful time (supposedly) and a lot of different adults trying to do their best as my dad struggled to suddenly bring 3 of us up on his own. It was 1989 and he wasn't entitled to any benefits because he was a single dad?! He went back to work full time and that was our new life.

I'm telling you this because we all, despite such a really shitty shitty time, including my dad forgetting to tell me anything about periods so by the time I started I thought I was actually dying! , we have all turned out okay. In fact really okay. And we bloody love our dad for soldiering through what must have been hell.

You need to take all of the support you can. As difficult as it is your big ones are saying things as they are scared, confused, hurt, frustrated etc... it's such a pivotal time of their lives and one that will be a significant part of their history forever.

I take my hat off to you. Five children including a newborn. Be kind to yourself lovely. Most people would struggle trying to juggle 5dc's, and you thought your DH would be helping you do it.

Lots of love to you