Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't cope with the DCs as DH passed away

101 replies

rubbishmumof5 · 20/07/2017 22:10

Not sure what or why I'm posting I just have no one in real life I feel like I can talk too.

DH died nearly a month ago he had cancer we only found out 5 months before he died that he had it. I was pregnant at the time and it all happened so fast

He was the best parent in the world so much better than me and we are all lost without him.

The oldest DCs are so upset all the time DD1 doesn't like being around us anymore and the younger ones ask for him and they just don't understand he isn't coming back no matter how many times I explain it.

Today just seems like it would never end. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I just couldn't deal with him anymore so I left him in a room to cry alone and then I felt so guilty about it I cried too.

Which made me late getting the DCs from school/ nursery so they were upset.

Then just before bedtime DD2 got upset because I wasn't as good at hugging as DH. She said that she wished I would go to heaven and she could have DH back. DD1 then chimed in saying she wishes I had died as well in fact she would be happy if I went to heaven to and she could do what she liked. DD2 then got upset because she didn't really want me to die she just wants her daddy back.
It then took over an hour to get them go to bed.

I don't know what to do for them any more they just want their dad and I can't bring him back. I wish I had died instead of him I just miss him so much.

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 21/07/2017 00:10

Forgot to say I am so sorry for your loss and it must feel like hell to you right now, trying to grieve and yet remain strong for the little ones. To be honest I would forget school right now and just huddle together in your little group and try to heal as best you can. The kiddies are pushing you to test you and see if you will leave them too, they really really don't mean it I promise, and you are not a rubbish mam.

In Ireland we have Rainbows which is a bereavement group for children who have lost a parent, ask your GP for a referral or even if there is something you can pay privately for, if the funds are there. Not sure sending the older kids to family or friends is the answer, send the smaller ones, they won't realize as much that you aren't there and concentrate on the older ones. Leaving the baby to cry won't hurt him at all..

Hugs to you all

saffronwblue · 21/07/2017 01:04

Oh your poor family. Have you got one real life friend who could call other friends and ask everyone to give you some support and practical help? You know how everyone says ' let me know what I can do to help'. Try to get someone to actually ask for it on your behalf. Thinking of you all.

Original poster
rubbishmumof5 · 21/07/2017 07:08

Thank you all for your replies.
I will check some of the organisation's once the DCs are in school.
Your right I need to sort this holiday out with DD1 and I will try and talk to her about it after school.
They break up from school today for the summer so I imagine they will be in a better mood today just in general.

OP posts:
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 21/07/2017 07:57

Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your loss. I apologise but I haven't read the whole thread as it is a bit triggering for me. I'm 11 months further on than you as my DFiance died suddenly last July.
So apologies if my suggestions are repeats.....I found Cruse in my area to be worse than useless but they may be better where you are. Grief Encounter are brilliant as is Winston's Wish. Also, I am a member of WAY, which is an organisation for the bereaved under 50 years old. The people on the forums are amazing. It costs £15 a year to be a member but imho it's well worth it.
www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
And I know you are struggling and the road ahead is long and bumpy but you WILL feel better in time. I promise you, even though it doesn't feel like it.
Sending hugs for the lot of you and PM me if you like

((((())))

Academicshmacerdemic · 21/07/2017 08:03

I can only imagine how awful it is for you right now xxxx

I am going to recommend a book called something like hownto talk so your children will listen and how to listen so your children will talk

When the kids say they think daddy is the best hugger- don't try to step up and be the best now etc

Maybe just say 'yep, I know he was. I used to love being hugged by him. I liked the way he would squeeze me so I knew he'd. Ever let go (or whatever)' and then ask them 'what was the best for you?' And listen.
You don't need to fix the unfixable here. I think you need to acknowledge it and sit with it and talk about it and don't try to make it better
Your conversation might end up with 'how are we going to help each other to make hugging better?'
Or it might just simply be a mutual acknowledgment that you miss the hugging from this lovely man....

JimmysMum1988 · 21/07/2017 08:08

I'm in Dorset if you need help with the kids. X

mummyretired · 21/07/2017 08:09

It does get better, it really does, and it won't hurt the DCs to see you struggling and grieving too. My DD (then 3) also asked if I died would Daddy come back - want Daddy! It's a usual thing I think, I remember crying with my mum that DCs were horrible to me and didn't realise I'd lost the love of my life. There was no support in my area 20 years ago but with family and friends we got through. Hugs ((((()))))

MrsGotobed · 21/07/2017 08:21

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't be hard on yourself. You sound like a great mum who is doing an amazing job under very difficult circumstances. Don't forget you're hurting and grieving as well as your DC.

Accept all help that is offered by family and friends, even if it's just an offer from one of you DC's friends for a playdate for an hour.

I can see you've been given lots of advice on this thread on where to go for help so please look into it. It will get easier. Flowers

diege · 21/07/2017 16:25

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm in a similar situation. My dh died last last June and I have 6 dcs, ranging from 3 up to 15 so have some insight into what you're going through.
You've had some great advice on here and I can't really add much other than to say accept every offer of help that's given. If people say 'just let me know if there's anything I can do to help' (and you know them/trust them"!) take their number and tell them you'll be in touch. You may never need them (and they may actually not mean it) but it's good to build up a 'bank' of support. You'll be surprised where the support comes from too! Often from the people you least expect.
Some days it's a case of putting one foot in front of the other and taking it hour by hour. The fatigue you'll feel is horrific but that's totally normal, as is forgetfulness as your mind struggles to process day to day tasks and demands.
Do you work at all? I went back pretty early and it was the best thing I could have done but realise it's not the best choice for many.
Mistakes I've made...cutting the kids too much slack and comprising what was a quite tight structured routine and rules for an easy life/to avoid meltdowns in supermarkets etc becuase I just couldn;t deal with the conflict. It works (very) short term but now I'm having to re implement boundaries and rules a year on and it's really tough.
At the same time don't beat yourself up for any 'bad' parenting. There's nothing wrong with muttering under your breath 'shut the fu*k up' when they've been ranting and wailing from 5 am and it's midnight. But that might just be me! Blush

gluteustothemaximus · 21/07/2017 16:40

Academics has written a great post. Rather than any conflict, agree with them, yes Daddy was a brilliant hugger, I miss his hugs too.

The only way to get through sadness, is to accept the sadness, not to make it 'better' or make it go away. Sometimes it may sound hurtful to you, but your children will be finding this so hard to process, so if you can try not to take it personally (although that must be very hard).

Your user name should be amazingmumof5.

I'm so sorry for your loss. One day at a time. Wishing you strength Flowers

missmove38 · 21/07/2017 16:43

Didn't want to read and run, this brought a tear to my eye..you are a great mum and they are struggling just like you are. Have you any support you could ask for? X

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 21/07/2017 16:45

Diege sorry for your loss. I could have written your post. Hour by hour advice worked well for me too and I also made the mistake of cutting the kids too much slack. It's very hard to reintroduce the same level of discipline now but I'm working on it.
The forgetful ness is actually A Thing. It's called Grief Brain by some people.
Another thing that just occurred to me is in the first days and werks after the death I remember think why the fuck do people say this time is a blur. Each second was absolutely heart wrenching to live through. But they were right... now that time does seem like a blur. The pain gets less raw over time.
Also condolences to all other posters who have been bereaved Flowers

I hope you're ok not rubbishmum of 5

Just a thought, does MN have a Widowed/bereaved Board.?
Depressingly there are enough of us here to warrant a tiny corner.

Original poster
rubbishmumof5 · 21/07/2017 16:54

Thank you for replying, I haven't had a chance to read through properly yet but I will later on.

DD2 is going on a sleepover tonight so I will have some time with DD1 to talk to her more about the holiday.

OP posts:
Bitchfromhell · 21/07/2017 16:59

Good luck, maybe bribery milkshakes and sweets are in order?
Hope you have a lovely weekend,

elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2017 22:32

How is going today Mumof5?

elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2017 22:32

*How is it going

abc3210 · 21/07/2017 23:49

Hi op. I can relate to your post as my husband died suddenly just over one year ago. I have two young children who thankfully with time have improved a lot. The youngest didn't seem to understand but my little girl who was 7 took it awful. She developed separation anxiety and generally became very anxious. Since then she has received play therapy and will soon be starting a grief program for kids. It was difficult to grieve and be strong for my kids. I took all the support I could. A big help for me was getting an Aupair to live in with us who was always on stand by when needed. This is a difficult time but things will improve

BearFoxBear · 21/07/2017 23:59

Op, first of all you are not a rubbish mum at all. Many of us would be struggling to get out of bed at this point, but you're doing it.

I have no words of wisdom, just another virtual hug. Flowers

Sholiz74 · 22/07/2017 00:31

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. I have no practical experience but am here if you need to talk. Xx

Original poster
rubbishmumof5 · 22/07/2017 10:43

Thank you all for your personal experiences and kind comments.

I watched a film with DD1 and we had some sweets then I talked to her about the holiday a bit more. It was tough and emotional and she got very upset about it all. We talked a lot and in the end she agreed to go on holiday.
I tested BIL this morning that we could go and he is very excited about it.

DD2 called me a few times during the night to check on us but she stayed all night and she is going somewhere nice with the very kind sleepover family today.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 22/07/2017 11:55

That's really good op, take each day as it comes and know that there will be good positive days and black cloud days. It will take time but the sunny days will eventually outweigh the black cloud ones.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/07/2017 12:06

AwesomeMumOf5 I'm so fucking sorry life has dealt you this shitty hand [flowers

I'm really pleased dd1 has agreed to the holiday, it sounds like she really appreciated the time alone with you.

You're doing great, you will all come out the other side,I know it.

Any practical help we can offer, please please shout, we're here for you.

Original poster
rubbishmumof5 · 23/07/2017 20:17

Thank you for your support.
I have been trying to keep the DCs busy for as long as possible so we aren't in the house dwelling all the time. But I don't know how I am going to keep it up for the whole holidays.

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 23/07/2017 20:36

You probably need someone to take at least one of your DC off your hands for regular play dates in the holidays (I realise you may think this is not appropriate if they are upset or that you may not have anyone to do that). IME people want to help and one of the things parents who are otherwise occupied with their own children often volunteer to take another one or two kids for a few hours.

FlowersBrew

GColdtimer · 23/07/2017 22:05

Op I am so sorry. I haven't been through it but two of my best friends have been.

WAY has been an amazing support network so do look them up - there are forums for online support and local groups for real life meet ups. This has also been really helpful for the children.

I would also say accept every offer of help. When people say "let me know if I can do anything" they really really mean it. Text parents of your DC friends to see if they can go and play and if people offer, don't be too proud to accept it. Make a list of jobs so if people say "can I do anything" give them the list.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Take each day as it comes Flowers