I can't cope with the DCs as DH passed away

[rubbishmumof5]

Not sure what or why I'm posting I just have no one in real life I feel like I can talk too.

DH died nearly a month ago he had cancer we only found out 5 months before he died that he had it. I was pregnant at the time and it all happened so fast

He was the best parent in the world so much better than me and we are all lost without him.

The oldest DCs are so upset all the time DD1 doesn't like being around us anymore and the younger ones ask for him and they just don't understand he isn't coming back no matter how many times I explain it.

Today just seems like it would never end. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I just couldn't deal with him anymore so I left him in a room to cry alone and then I felt so guilty about it I cried too.

Which made me late getting the DCs from school/ nursery so they were upset.

Then just before bedtime DD2 got upset because I wasn't as good at hugging as DH. She said that she wished I would go to heaven and she could have DH back. DD1 then chimed in saying she wishes I had died as well in fact she would be happy if I went to heaven to and she could do what she liked. DD2 then got upset because she didn't really want me to die she just wants her daddy back.
It then took over an hour to get them go to bed.

I don't know what to do for them any more they just want their dad and I can't bring him back. I wish I had died instead of him I just miss him so much.

Hi OP. My brother's wife died very suddenly a few years ago, leaving him with 2 very young children. There have been great suggestions so far, and it is so good to hear people from many years later talking about how they got through it. He also found support from a counsellor attached to the ICU where she was helpful. There may be support from palliative care or from cancer services possibly.

It is still such early days. Grief is such a strange and individual process. I understand the desire to keep busy and it is part of the holidays anyway, I find. But what little I have to add is don't avoid or suppress feelings, for anyone. Keep talking It all helps to process it. Draw pictures, make things to help express the feelings. At this early stage having fun might feel disloyal - a holiday might be experienced as disloyal. But seeing as a break from the house, a change of scenery to help you all get through it, all that might feel less disloyal if that is the issue. You sound like you did brilliantly with your eldest - a sign of what a great mum you are.

For you, don't think about the whole holidays. Think about a week or so at a time (or day or hour if that is all you can handle). Just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and it will pass by, just like every difficult phase in life. By that I mean the acute difficulty will pass by. Be as patient as you can with yourself and your children (though you may get angry, as this is part of grief, but be patient with yourself when you get angry too). Meet your own needs for care so you can care for your children. You will all be exhausted, so though it may feel easier to be out, you all need to rest sometimes too. At least the summer takes off the pressure of the school run.

My brother got through it all, the inquest, all the paperwork, the other complexities. You can too, but it is so achingly difficult in these early days. Just keep going.

Hugs for you all.

I've not read all the replies but wanted to say I'm 100% sure if you had died, your children would be crying to their dad saying they wish he was in heaven instead

OP - I'm marking this thread to come back and talk to you later. My DH died when I was pregnant and DD was 3. Kids now 3 and 7 and we're doing really well. Off to work now but will be back.

Lots of good advice here. MN at its best.

Wanted to add my heartfelt support to you. It is such early days but as long as you keep talking and ranting and crying and asking for help you will get there. One day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.

Not sure if this charity has been mentioned, for your children, it helped my DS's friend when his wife died leaving him with 2 little ones, one a newborn.

childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk

Also this is part of Cruse but for the children:
hopeagain.org.uk

Is there anywhere you could go where they might have positive memories of dh. Doesn't have to be far or for very long. Or maybe there is something they could each choose to take along to remind them that daddy is always there.

There are some places with positive memories of DH but I don't know if I can face going to them yet especially with the DCs.
This morning has already been tough, I had to leave the older three with a friend to take DS2 to the go and they all got very upset and now we are stuck in the waiting room for at least another 30 mins because they are running late.

If you read this before you go in, maybe consider asking the GP again if there is any help available or any local organisations they can suggest .

You are doing such a good job so far, better than you realise. The reason I say this is you are functioning and doing what needs to be done like taking your child to the GP when some people would likely find excuses not to. You are still trying to do your best even though you feel at your worst.

Your opening post was incredibly sad and my heart broke for you and your DD when they said they wishes you died instead or as well. In truth, if you had died instead of your husband then I strongly suspect they would say the same to him. They are taking their anger and grief out on you and they are worried you may leave them so it's better to push you away now perhaps.

My nephews lost their father after a battle with cancer. They were in primary school then and are now strong healthy minded adults. There is light after this darkness for you all. My sister went through cycles in her grief and ability to cope and she still misses him but her life has developed and is fulfilling.

There are some excellent organisations for your children (not just counselling). The hospice is a good starting point for what is about in your area. Or post your county here and we can search for you.

Please take whatever help (big or small) there is around. You need to grieve yourself and will burn out if you're not careful. I realise this is easy for a stranger on the Internet to say.

I know your children weren't keen on a holiday at your BILs without their father but if I were you I would still go. You could always come home early.

Theirs and your memories are the most valuable thing in the world and it may help to work through the pain they bring so you can see the comfort that they also provide

Sending you enormous strength and we'll wishes. You honestly are doing amazingly even if you don't believe it.

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I didn't get a proper chance to talk to the go about further support. Just as we went into the gps office DS 2 had a massive tantrum and didn't really stop till we got home so we rushed through the appointment a bit.
I have an appointment to go back next week to sort out some stuff for DS2 so I will mention it then and see what he says.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're doing so well keeping life going for your kids. I can't add to the great advice you've been getting. Sending you strength and love.

Just popping by to say hello.
I completely get not wanting to go to places that remind your of your DH. I remember sobbing in Lidl the first time i went in as I had so many memories of him saying that no we didn't need another vegetable slicer/deckchair/dog toy . Lidl ffs 😀. I cried everywhere the first few months, I couldn't help it. I'm by nature a crier anyway, others grieve differently.
But it's a year on now and I no longer sob when in Lidl or anywhere else. I still have my moments but I have come on so much. So have my children. And so will you and yours. One childhood bereavement counsellor told me that children's grief is like jumping in puddles. They go in and out of grieving and children grieve very differently to adults. I got a workbook for DS from Grief Encounter (i think) but for months DS wouldn't even consider looking at it.
You will get through the holidays, hour by hour. Accept help, i wish I'd reached out more.
But please trust me on this, you will all feel better in time. Like the mn mantra...this too shall pass.
Let me dig out a wonderful story I read.

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Michael Rosen's 'Sad Book' helped us talk with our foster daughters after the sudden death of their Dad. The pictures speak volumes.

Yy, the Sad Book was the only book my son tolerated . Possibly because we already love Michael Rosen in this house.
Have you thought about a Memory Box for the children. I put things like DFiance's t shirt, aftershave, driving licence etc. He was a talented artist who'd had Mandala books published so they went in there too. Ds doesn't want it yet but it's there for him when he does.

Morning AwesomeMumof 5
I have just realised I've name changed since first posting on your thread. This is GhostInTheBackOfYourHead.

Awesomemumof5 I am sending you a huge cuddle and heaps of fortitude to get through the day. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and bringing virtual warm drinks and shoulder squeezes.
What have you got lined up today?

Awesomemomof5 everyone deals with grief differently, there is no right way. When I lost my husband I found it too difficult to look at pictures of him and the kids or to go to places where we would frequently visit as a family. It was just way too raw and painful for all of us. We are in a much better place today and are able to do these things. Another lady I know who lost her husband found comfort in these things. You're doing great, it will get easier with time.

Morning lovely, how are you all today?

Oh OP - this truly brought a tear to my eyes.
I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through
You've had some great advice and if you are near S Bucks you can PM me, I'd be happy to help.
Keep going, you are doing a fantastic job right now.
If you need to let baby cry for your own sanity, it won't do any harm.
I hope you can reach out to the suggested charities etc... and get some support.

Thank you HoofWankingSpangleCunt for the story, it really touched me.
I was going to take the DCs shopping for the holiday but we had such an awful morning I couldn't bring myself to drag them round shopping so we are still at home. It just feels like I can't get anything right for them now. All I want to do is go back to bed and never get up but I can't because they need me but when I get up all they do is misbehave then I get cross them we all get upset and fed up of each other.

You are in a no win situation right now.
You are all grieving and trying to deal with all kinds of emotions and fall outs.
If you feel you need some help then please do go and see your GP.
It could be you are depressed and they can help with that.
Don't be afraid to reach out and get all the support you can.

So sorry for your loss and all the incredibly hard things you are dealing with now.

In our area (Oxfordshire) we have an amazing charity organisation called 'Seesaw' they help bereaved children and families. When I emailed them they called me the same day and were just outstanding.

I don't know if they are anywhere near you but if not they maybe worth a quick email and they could suggest similar organisations nearer to you.

You say you don't know what to do for them but it sounds to me as though you are doing all the right things.

You are letting them know that it is fine to be upset about their dad, that you feel miserable and miss him too, that crying is fine and talking is fine.

you are allowing them the time and space to talk about him, about how they love him and miss him. You need to talk about him too,even if it hurts, the way you keep the memories strong is by revisiting them.

You are also allowing them the time and space to express their anger at losing their dad, they know they can express their anger to you, and moreover make it about you, because they are confident in your love for them, they trust you. what they say is not directed at you to hurt you, it is directed at the unfairness that has taken their dad, you just happen to be there and they know you will stillove them.

Your children are grieving, just as you are, i hope you have someone to talk to . Did you have any contact with a local hospice, they usually offer support to partners, otherwise speak to your gp and see what they can offer.

Your grief is red raw at the minute, and will continue to be so for a while, the first year of a bereavement is particularly hard because of all the anniversaries, birthdays etc and because you are wading through the shitstorm of paperwork thatcomes with a death.

Try to take things one day at a time, hug your children, and especially the baby who will not have memories of its dad, except for the stories you tell.

No advice just wanted to give you some (flowers).

You are doing a fantastic job. You've lost your DH and would usually get time to grieve , you should be able to get into bed and stay there all day, but you have your dc to look after and you are doing that.
No one will tell you the best few days, weeks, months will be easy- they will not, so never forget that you are doing your best and you will all get through it together.
I truly hope the holiday goes well, there will tears and tantrums but at least you have a change of scenery and new things to x