I've loved DH dearly for 20 years, but am getting increasingly impatient with his way of avoiding things he is uncomfortable with. Recently, he has admitted to regularly not telling me things because he thinks I wouldn't like it, which means he leaves it til the last minute or I discover them myself, which is worse, and I have told him this. He has also done the same with news to his parents.
For context, I have never stopped him from doing things he wanted to, ranging from going out with friends (of both sexes) to complete career change/moving Counties, which obv has a great impact on myself (and now the kids). Everything has gone his way, really, apart from our last house move. I don't nag him constantly about stuff, it's always different little things happening that do my nut. The only thing I have asked him to stop is the porn addiction, and this was mainly because it was causing so many lies and distrust.
Another thing which causes problems is his work rota. He works away quite a bit, but this can change, and often does. We don't get a lot of time together for family holidays etc, so I have asked him to keep me updated so I can plan things in advance (which is pretty hard anyway, because he's not sure very far in advance). He just doesn't do it. Then I'll find out he's had his rota for a few weeks, and didn't bother to tell me. If anything changes, he won't tell me until practically the last minute, leaving me blithely unaware and planning stuff in my head, then saying the reason he didn't want to tell me was because he knew how I'd react!
He gets stressed out and snappy about stuff (taxes/budget/bills, etc) but doesn't do anything about them til the last minute.
I know it sounds petty, and it's difficult to explain, but I feel constantly out of the loop, then blamed for my potential reaction when I do discover what I should have known already. All these things wouldn't actually be a problem if I knew when he did, instead of weeks later. I don't think it's started because of an initial reaction of mine - he's always kept stuff from me. His father is very opinionated and argues aggressively with people, maybe it has some basis in his upbringing, Idk.
Does anyone else struggle with a partner like this? What have you done/said that has improved things, or is it a lost cause?