Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How do you deal with a conflict averse partner?

52 replies

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 02:08

I've loved DH dearly for 20 years, but am getting increasingly impatient with his way of avoiding things he is uncomfortable with. Recently, he has admitted to regularly not telling me things because he thinks I wouldn't like it, which means he leaves it til the last minute or I discover them myself, which is worse, and I have told him this. He has also done the same with news to his parents.

For context, I have never stopped him from doing things he wanted to, ranging from going out with friends (of both sexes) to complete career change/moving Counties, which obv has a great impact on myself (and now the kids). Everything has gone his way, really, apart from our last house move. I don't nag him constantly about stuff, it's always different little things happening that do my nut. The only thing I have asked him to stop is the porn addiction, and this was mainly because it was causing so many lies and distrust.
Another thing which causes problems is his work rota. He works away quite a bit, but this can change, and often does. We don't get a lot of time together for family holidays etc, so I have asked him to keep me updated so I can plan things in advance (which is pretty hard anyway, because he's not sure very far in advance). He just doesn't do it. Then I'll find out he's had his rota for a few weeks, and didn't bother to tell me. If anything changes, he won't tell me until practically the last minute, leaving me blithely unaware and planning stuff in my head, then saying the reason he didn't want to tell me was because he knew how I'd react!
He gets stressed out and snappy about stuff (taxes/budget/bills, etc) but doesn't do anything about them til the last minute.
I know it sounds petty, and it's difficult to explain, but I feel constantly out of the loop, then blamed for my potential reaction when I do discover what I should have known already. All these things wouldn't actually be a problem if I knew when he did, instead of weeks later. I don't think it's started because of an initial reaction of mine - he's always kept stuff from me. His father is very opinionated and argues aggressively with people, maybe it has some basis in his upbringing, Idk.

Does anyone else struggle with a partner like this? What have you done/said that has improved things, or is it a lost cause?

OP posts:

Slimthistime · 20/07/2017 12:34

I don't think that's conflict aversion

I think he's not respecting that you, as an individual, have a life, and preferences. He doesn't think you'll complain so he just does as he pleases and only bothers to inform you of things that might impact on you when it occurs to him, or you're left to find out.

Isetan · 20/07/2017 12:39

The balls in your court, either accept that this is who he is and find a way to live with it or limit your exposure to him. There isn't a parallel universe where he's different or does not mistake your sacrifices as something that your supposed to do.

Kr1stina · 20/07/2017 13:03

He doesn't want to be part of a team. He doesn't want to pick up his share of the chores or spent time with you as a family.

If he wanted to do these things he would have done them by now. Im sure you have been talking to him about it for YEARS aand it's made not a blind bit of difference for more than a few days. He does the minimum possible to get you off his back and then it's business as usual.

He wants you to STFU and do all the domestic servicing and parenting. And let him get on with doing what he wants, when he want. He wants the life of a single man with sex on demand and a free housekeeper / nanny.

That's what he wants , he's made that clear.

Now what do you want ?

user1499723529 · 20/07/2017 13:16

Half the problem is these realisations have to come from within, and that's only come about as I was getting stressed to %$k and miserable, I just wanted to sort that out, now the SSRI's are really starting to kick in + reading lots of posts here it's like a grey veil has been lifted from my vision.

I think if some mate or someone had just come up to me and told me these things a few weeks ago I would've just gotten really defensive (a childish reaction caused by self righteous delusion)

user1499723529 · 20/07/2017 13:17

Some of the posts here are scarily close to my life was wondering if one of you was actually my wife, number kids and age don't match up though!

Slimthistime · 20/07/2017 14:34

to be fair, one reason this title struck me is that I'm conflict averse so I was expecting a totally different description of the person involved.

I just mean I hate conflict and try to be diplomatic etc I also ask people to stop shouting or calm down before I talk to them. I was really not expecting what was posted.

Original poster

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 22:12

The reason I thought this is because the reason he gave for not telling me things/telling a good while later was that he knew what my reaction would be and wanted to avoid it. I can understand that, but not why being told that makes things worse wouldn't then be enough motivation to stop doing it. Unless it is ingrained, I guess.
So if the only way for him to change is to want to do it himself, how can I encourage this? It's just starting to feel dismissive and disrespectful now. Although he will counter with 'noone else tells their wife' kind of comments, so I don't think he sees it as important.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 20/07/2017 22:36

so I don't think he sees it as important

Well, if t only impacts you and your dc, why would it be important to him? .... hang on...

Original poster

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 22:40

Haha, you're being way too subtle for me at this time of night finally. Are you saying you think I've finally seen the light?

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 20/07/2017 22:46

It's not conflict adverse.

It's him having complete control over your behaviour.

By leaving it to the last minute he is removing your opportunity to think something our and react.

By saying "I knew you'd say that so I didn't tell you" he us removing your ability to respond and react.

So he does exactly what he wants when he wants to do it. Regardless of how you feel about it.

It's totally emotionally abusive.

Original poster

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 23:24

Isn't he just being thoughtless though? It's not as if he's using that time to do anything else. When he's away with work he's obv there.

OP posts:

InvisableLobstee · 20/07/2017 23:35

Would you say its demand avoidance as well as conflict avoidance. That is he can't cope with many demands being made of him, or you having a form of control over him?

Original poster

Windytwigs · 21/07/2017 00:27

Maybe. Is that a thing? He's pretty high level at work, sometimes I wonder if it's anything to do with not wanting to be told what to do (by an underling ) at its basic level. I'm at a loss to see how to communicate to him how this isn't right in a relationship, and how it makes me feel overall. As pp said I've been saying it for years and it obv hasn't changed. Or maybe I'm just less accepting now I see how long it's been going on for.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 21/07/2017 00:59

You are exactly right - he doesn't see why he should give any information to an underling. That way he stays in control of you, he decides when you get the information that allows you to do your job and plan family life. He enjoys having that power over you.

He knows how it makes you feel, you've told him enough times. Its just he doesn't care.

I'm sorry, it's shit.

RandomMess · 21/07/2017 07:39

He certainly doesn't care that it matters to you. He knows it upsets you yet hasn't in all those years made any effort to change his behaviour! He could simply share his rota first day he gets it????

greenberet · 21/07/2017 08:39

windy yes he did - someone he employed - im sure he saw me as a boring old nag just like my kids currently do! - funny you say "shiny new"

i knew he had a thing about always buying new -sometimes when something didn't work others when he was bored of the old - new house, car, holiday, clothes, phone etc - never thought I would be included!

never thought my marriage was abusive until it ended - his treatment of me showed exactly how selfish he could be - went full out to destroy me - manipulated the whole process - which meant the family home was sold (rather than me keep it) and he protected his business- kids are facing the biggest impact though - have to leave their private school as he claims he can no longer afford it - complete bullshit - its all because OW doesn't believe in it - he has completely changed his political persuasion since with her - funny though she doesnt mind the 5 star holidays and all the other perks! user i hope you see the light and save your family the destruction i have been through

greenberet · 21/07/2017 08:41

have to say this sums it up for me

greenberet · 21/07/2017 08:43

user this was my X "I was getting stressed to %$k and miserable" but he didnt have the balls to look inside - much easier to blame someone else!

Original poster

Windytwigs · 21/07/2017 08:52

Ah, sorry he turned out to be such a dick green. Seems much easier for men to throw away and start over with someone new rather than admit to being less than perfect!

OP posts:

greenberet · 21/07/2017 08:55

the reason he gave for not telling me things/telling a good while later was that he knew what my reaction would be and wanted to avoid it.

yeah i got this too - didn't want to tell me he was not sure if he still loved me - as hoped his feelings would change - didn't want to tell me he was having an affair - as didn't want to hurt me - wanted us to tell the kids "together" - so he didn't have to do his own dirty work!

my X is a high profile businessman yet he couldn't have a conversation with his wife about anything where he may be in the "wrong" or that may cause "conflict" -

my anger after i found it all out was used against me and i was accused of harrassment twice and disturbing behaviour by his solicitor - the poster that says emotionally abusive is right - look up narcisstic behaviour -

im sorry OP this must be hard for you but maybe deep down you know - do you work OP? do you go out & do your own thing? - is he ok with this or does he object?

Original poster

Windytwigs · 21/07/2017 09:00

No, I do/have worked which I think he prefers in some ways, but tbh he's away so often that it's difficult at times with the kids and no help, so I did give up my original career and just do bits here and there now.

OP posts:

greenberet · 21/07/2017 09:21

how old are your kids OP - how does he treat you otherwise - birthdays anniversaries etc? you mention you dont get a lot of time for family holidays - is this due to his work?

does he give you time when hes around to do your own thing or does he have to come first etc because "he's been working"

is he snappy around the kids - do you avoid him when he's like this?

you also say his father is opiniated and aggressive - what did his mother do - did she also do everything for family

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/07/2017 09:58

The way I see it is you've been in the relationship a long time and spent years trying to improve this aspect. He knows what you want yet he chooses to continue doing what he knows is going to make planning family time diffiicult. He knows this will piss you off yet he still does it. I don't think the reasons are important (although it's always fascinating to know how a partner's mind works) as ultimately it doesn't matter; he could do a very simple and reasonable thing that helps the family yet he chooses not to.

buggerthebotox · 21/07/2017 10:26

I think I'm both guilty of this behaviour and living with someone who behaves like this.

My "d" P is conflict avoidant but I'm convinced that it's a control strategy. He doesn't discuss things, he talks at me, usually when things have become a fait accompli. He makes decisions in a passive way, without involving me, and ensuring that I'm left trailing in his wake without room for manouvre. I feel somewhat helpless and left to pick up the pieces all the time, which has made me resentful and angry. I have no outlet for the frustration, so I turn it inwards and internalize it. Showing my frustration doesn't help as he just shrugs his shoulders.

I recently caught him cheating. He was in a relationship for a year before being caught. When I found out, he shrugged his shoulders. It's his way of passively controlling things.

I used to be a bit like this with my mother-she was a bit of a drama queen and used drama as a way to feel important. I would never share information with her because she would make the situation all about herself. I felt guilty because she was basically kind.

I hope your situation with your OH is not a symptom of something more sinister which he is using his "conflict avoidant" personality to cover up..

Original poster

Windytwigs · 21/07/2017 11:12

Wow, botox, I wasn't expecting that! I was going to say he's normally fine with doing stuff with kids, and always says he'll have them so I can go do something after he's been working away. I never really have though, because it would have to fit into the weekend after work Fri and getting back for school Mon. There's a couple of times I think he's enjoyed certain female friendships a bit too much, and the porn thing was a bit of a secret habit until I discovered it. Sadly wouldn't put it past him to have something else which I haven't found and therefore he hasn't admitted to, but I would hope it wouldn't be a full on affair. How did you find out?
green his mum and dad had a bit more of an even relationship I think, as his dad was around more. Mil does get well pissed off with him at times though, sometimes wonder how she put up with him so long. (actually, probably v similar to how I'm putting up with her son!)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3