DH - tantrums - not sure what to do

[popcorn123]

Hi

Looking for advice on how to deal with difficult behaviour from DH. Have 2 DS's 28 and 12 months. Have had a generally good relationship but have always been the one who did all housework, paying bills etc which caused resentment even before children. He has always had "tantrums" as long as I have known him - smash/punch objects, scream and shout and then in a major huff for ages. Sometimes with minimal provacation. These were infrequent and although I knew I should have been dealing with it, I ignored it.

Since children have come on the scene thing as much worse. I do just about everthing - all childcare, housework, nigh feeds, cooking, paying bills etc. He occassionally helps a bit but is usually short lived. He spends time with DS's - but only plays with them. If I challenge this I get told "do you know how hard I work". "My job is very stressful and I have nothing else to give" " you are better at it" etc.

If he feels stressed and I ask him for help or he feels he is not getting enough attention (e.g after DS2 was born -recently when I had extra work to do in the evening then his beviour gets worse.
He will loose his temper shout through chairs around and tell me that his behaviour is all my fault. This can be infront of DS's and DS1 gets very upset which doesn;t stop him. He told DS1 several times this week that "mummy is very bad to daddy" DS1 can also get shouted at if he is in the wrong place .
If I am in full control of the children. housework and still am able to dedicate my eveing to him he is OK but if something upsets this balance he becomes unstable.

Over the past year I have tried talking to him when calm, writing letters to try and help and read several relationship books to try and see what I can do but the cycle still continues.

He ultimately believes that his needs are greater.g his work is harder, his rest time is more important.

He treat his own family with the same lack of respect but seems oblivious to why people have no time for hime.

I think he is depressed just now but won't go to GP due to pride and a fear that his employers would find out which would affect future employment.

His parents had/have a difficult relationship but I was never subject to anything like this and I am terrified of the effects this is having on DS's

How can I deal with it. At the moment I am ignoring him and only having essential conversation. He will calm down soon and will be more help for a short time but then the cycle will continue.

What can I do?

Yes Ifonlyhewould I keep saying to myself what is the worst that can happen? If I make dinner that he doen't like or I go out and don't phone. He will get fed up and leave! I would be delighted at the moment. It is very liberating but I still have to listen to his moaning constantly even if I don't respond but knowing that I am not in the wrong is wonderful.

i feel like i am the one in control for a change! Not that i thik anyone has to be in control at all but, I would rather it be me in control of me than him! As for his moaning, yes i still get it but, i just don't rise to it. I no longer agree with him just for a quiet life, i don't try to make him feel better, i just look in his direction and say nothing! Just like he does to me when i try to discuss something.

The think is though, i'm not doing any of this to get at him or for any reasons to do with him, i'm doing it for me. I see it as self preservation.

I wish you all the luck in the world and lots of strength. I know from experience you will need it xx

hi guys.. not been around for a few days, I've been mulling things over in my own mind for a while. He did improve drastically for a couple of weeks.. but...... it couldn't last could it?

Last week I was diagnosed with a condition which is not lifethreatening but it is incurable and the management of it is going to be time consuming and annoying and I will need a lot of help around the house and even with my mobility at times.

I come home and tell him this, he says little, doesn't even come off the pc for a bit to comfort me. Rest of the week carries on as normal and then yesterday my son left a towel on the bathroom floor and b/f went absolutely apeshit. Suffice to say that my bedroom door is now broken in half.

When I wnt to bed, he spent the whole night nudging and poking and jabbing me with his elbows, eventually I pulled him up on it and he made some snidey comment bout me not deserving to sleep cos i brought up a slob who has no respect for towels????

He sent me a text message to apologise today whichis a miracle but then got pissy with me cos I didn't reply to it, lol.

He came home, was nice for a bit, then had a fit again over the towel, then had a fit cos I had given the bag of potato wedges that had been in the freezer since xmas to my mum, all of a sudden he wanted them!

I cooked dinner and he didn't help, as usual.. complained that i wasn't eating enough and dumped half a tin of baked beans on my plate I don't like baked beans! now he's nagging at me to go watch tv in the bedroom with him and i really can't be arsed.

I don't want to be with him anymore but he wont go without a huge fuss and things getting really nasty.

Sorry to hear you're having the same shit popcorn, hiya to everyone else, gonna catch up now

Hi Suagr
Sorry your still having a rotten time. When they are nice for a while it is easy to forget isn't it (or think they have seen the light).
Why do we not leave them?
I don't have an answer to this as apart from talk to others I haven't done anything yet.
As you know that is totally unacceptable behaviour - why do we all allow it. Those not in an abusive relationship always say "I would never stand for that" but it is so much more complicated when it is your life.

I hope your condition isn't to serious and you are keeping well. If you aren't getting support for your partner make sure you let family/friends know so they can help.

My 2 year old appear more on the ball than me. Yesterday we came back from from the shops and saw DH's car in the driveway. I said "Oh look daddy is home" DS1 say's "No daddy, not want daddy" and sat in another room when we got home. DH was on best behaviour and gave lots of attention to boys and they were won round. Dh then falls asleep immediately before DS1 goes to bed and I say night night daddy but DS1 says night to all his books teddies one by one but misses out daddy. This has been haunting me all night.Dh is oblivious to all this ( I think)

I think my DP has an abusive streak

I do pick 'em.

sigh

a male friend who I have known for over 15 years popped in for a cup of tea a little while ago, b/f is convinced this guy fancies me and always has a strop when he's been and gone. This time he decided to try and pick a fight with him.. b/f is 25 and this man is in his fifties for fukk sake! Because I didn't spring to his defence and ask my friend to leave he's going off on one!

On the plus side, he said he's moving out, I know he's waiting for me to ask him not to but I wont. We shall see what happens next, lol

Hi

Thought I would give a little update. Lots of thinking - not alot of doing. Thinking about this is very mentally exhaustung! My relate appointment has come through for next week. Not sure if I can bring up the issue with H again. I will go myself initially and see what happens. Have spoken to women's aid who said much the same as all you excellent people. Have found out the names of solicters in my area (via women's aid) who are useful to talk to. Will make an appointment tomorrow.
Hve read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancfroft and "Emotional abuse - erosion of hgte soul and loss of identity" both of which are excellent but don't have any solutions probably as there aren't any.
I have spoken to my family in depth (poor them!) and realise that my dad and sister have been fed up with H's treatment of me for ages but didn't say anything as he was my husband and believe that he is much worse when we are on out own.

I am so used to the statue quo that it is hard to change espacially as he is pleasant a lot of the time but he has not done one thing in the last month to prove that he truley cares about anyone other than himself. I could give so many examples of selfishness in the last few few days that before I wouldn't have registered consciously.

I can't believe I have got myselg into this mess but I have. I deep down believe that I will leave but I just need to be certain of everything first.

I worry that if we separate he will obviously have access tot he boys. As he rarely feeds or changes them (vomited when changing DS1's nappy yesterday upsetting DS1) and does not appear to have any desire to change I worry as to whether they would get looked after and whether his mum would get left with him.

I worry that H doesn't understand why I am unhappy and that is unfair but I know for a fact that he deliberately lies to me about thing e.g 3 months of "sore back" making him unable to lift a child or equipement. That led to many arguments. Could always manage sport or sex!

Sorry this i very long and soory that I have not been providing support to anyone elso but I know there are lots of people in a similar position and I hope one day to help.

Wish all this wasn't happening!

So many typing errors!

Hi Popcorn. Have read your thread but not contributed to it so far - sorry I will make up for it now though

IMO you've been doing more than just thinking and plenty of doing! You've not only recognised a problem, you've taken real steps to deal with it. Going to Relate means you're serious about making this marriage work. Speaking to your family means you've now got support for yourself. Getting info re: solicitors etc. means you've now got a back-up plan.

You've done really well so far I'm sure it'll be really hard to try to get your DH to face up to the fact that there's a problem. Maybe if you go to Relate on your own initially, it will show him that you intend to take steps yourself no matter what his attitude is.

I'm a bit as his lack of ability to help with your DS. IME plenty of men are like this until such time as they are forced into a position to be a parent - sometimes separation is the only way to force this issue. Hopefully he will come to his senses sooner than that and start to take a more active role.

At the end of the day, only he can break the cycle of his behaviour and all you can do is preserve your own sanity and put yourself and your sons first. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Do keep posting and keep us updated

Don't worry about not contributing to other people's threads. My first thread was in Rships and it took me a while to pluck up the courage to post on other people's threads. Believe me, just reading about your experiences is helping other people to come to terms with problems they are facing.

hiya.. bit of an update on my scenario

We've had a bit of a lull over the last couple of weeks or so.. been getting on really well etc.

I'm about halfway through Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That and it's truly a revelation. I am seeing so many parallels it's amazing. Not reached any conclusive decisions as yet but I feel a bit more equipped to deal with his outbursts so far.

I definitely recommend this book

Hi Sugar

Thats good news, im glad to hear you and DP have been getting on well. Do you think it has anything to do with the book and you understanding his reasons a bit?

How are you feeling in general? Any nes on the blood tests yet? xx

No, he's been being nice for the last couple of weeks.. it won't last, lol

I only started the book last night but it has given me an good insight and a feeling of hopelessness really.. unless he's willing to undertake a long course of therapy it's unlikely that he'll ever change. He nosed at what i was reading earlier today and instantly said "I'm not abusive, what are you reading crap like that for? it's grim and depressing" I didn't answer and just carried on, lol

Blood test results all came back normal so I'm not sure what happens next really. Got an appointment with GP next week so I spose it's just a matter of what he thinks now. I'm just afraid in a way that he'll dismiss it as all in my head and then I'll be like this forever

How are things with you, IOHW?

I'm ok Sugar thanks. I bought that book too after I saw it recommended on here but haven't felt like reading it yet. I've devised my own coping strategy and am feeling better and more 'free' of it all than I have in as long as I can remember. I don't want to risk falling back into doom and gloom. At the moment i'm taking each day as it comes and enjoying it.

As for your medical probs, make sure the GP tested bith T3 and T4 levels because often they don't. It may be that you do need thyroxine. Don't forget to let me know what happens

PS i usually put a book cover from a cookery book around any books I'm reading on abusive realtionships etc. DP would ever suspect a thing.

Not sure really what was tested for.. it was the preprinted blood test thing and it said thyroid function - all. I'll see what he says when I see him. As it is now I'm cold.. I was a bit hot earlier cos I was lugging stuff about but now I've sat down I'm frozzen.. and I'm sitting beside a turned on radiator!!!

He's not said a thing about the book other than the comment yesterday.. all in all tho he does seem to be making an effort to be nicer.. he still does bugger all around the house or anything helpful tho, lol but the fact that he's calm is a major improvement.