DH - tantrums - not sure what to do

[popcorn123]

Hi

Looking for advice on how to deal with difficult behaviour from DH. Have 2 DS's 28 and 12 months. Have had a generally good relationship but have always been the one who did all housework, paying bills etc which caused resentment even before children. He has always had "tantrums" as long as I have known him - smash/punch objects, scream and shout and then in a major huff for ages. Sometimes with minimal provacation. These were infrequent and although I knew I should have been dealing with it, I ignored it.

Since children have come on the scene thing as much worse. I do just about everthing - all childcare, housework, nigh feeds, cooking, paying bills etc. He occassionally helps a bit but is usually short lived. He spends time with DS's - but only plays with them. If I challenge this I get told "do you know how hard I work". "My job is very stressful and I have nothing else to give" " you are better at it" etc.

If he feels stressed and I ask him for help or he feels he is not getting enough attention (e.g after DS2 was born -recently when I had extra work to do in the evening then his beviour gets worse.
He will loose his temper shout through chairs around and tell me that his behaviour is all my fault. This can be infront of DS's and DS1 gets very upset which doesn;t stop him. He told DS1 several times this week that "mummy is very bad to daddy" DS1 can also get shouted at if he is in the wrong place .
If I am in full control of the children. housework and still am able to dedicate my eveing to him he is OK but if something upsets this balance he becomes unstable.

Over the past year I have tried talking to him when calm, writing letters to try and help and read several relationship books to try and see what I can do but the cycle still continues.

He ultimately believes that his needs are greater.g his work is harder, his rest time is more important.

He treat his own family with the same lack of respect but seems oblivious to why people have no time for hime.

I think he is depressed just now but won't go to GP due to pride and a fear that his employers would find out which would affect future employment.

His parents had/have a difficult relationship but I was never subject to anything like this and I am terrified of the effects this is having on DS's

How can I deal with it. At the moment I am ignoring him and only having essential conversation. He will calm down soon and will be more help for a short time but then the cycle will continue.

What can I do?

Mmmm, thats interesting about the childhood thing. I had a not so nice time with my mother which i think made me 'seek and buy' affection. Always trying to please people, feeling the only way to get love is to buy it by either giving or doing.
Ive been doing a heck of a lot of thinking lately and i have come to recognise that what attracted me to my 2 (should i be embarrassed at small number) relationships is hat they were both quite vulnerable men at the time i first met them, both been through a bit of a hard time, i stepped in and cared for them, helped them, made them cheer up a bit and got sucked in...!! The rest is history. Somehow the tables turned. Am still working on the rest of it

You sound to have it all well in hand. Do you love him? If he would just calm the temper etc do you think you would want to stay with him?

PS why did he want you to give up your job? Was it because of his own insecurities do you think? Bloody men!!

Goodness.
Haven't read all thread sorry (expecting visitors)

Saw the thread title and though- ah that's DH, he's given to a shouty tantrum or several when particulalry stressed or tired! But he comes rght out of it too, and never does anything to harm the kids or I, either psychologically or otherwise. This is horrible! Have you re-read your post? What advice would you give if a friend had written it I wonder?

He sounds possible depressed, in which case HE has to ask for help. But I would think verys eriously about whether this is something you want your children exposed to for the next umpteen years?

I think I love him, we have so much fun together at times. Just sometimes it's very hard to like him.

On the other hand, I do like it when he goes to visit his hometown for weekends cos the whole atmosphere in the house is different.. much lighter and more relaxed.

If he would just find another way to make me aware of things that bug him like saying it really annoys me when x, y or z rather than going off on one ranting and raving then yeah.. I think I would stay with him, as it is I'm turning into a nervous wreck.

I saw the crap mothers thread and did think about writing something there.. but I think my mum was crap unintentionally.. just because she didn't have time.

I'm on the crap mothers thread. It was that thread that made me question everything!
I can relate to what you are saying but, don't forgot, you are dealing with a bloke communication is not there thing!!
When you read through the other threads on here, you soon realise that there are a lot of us with far than perfect relationships. But, even though our experiences are different we all go through more or less the same feelings. Love em but hate em
Maybe it's us!!!! Are we ever happy??

(runs away to hide after that last sentence )

I don't think it's us.. like you said they just don't do communication! He's just come down and been all sweetness and light.. sort of.. although he did complain about me snoring.. and when I apologised and said I wasn't aware of it he started moaning so I told him to go the chemist and get some of those nasal strip things then!

He also said that he's having a hard time with his boss at work at the moment, being singled out for bollockings n stuff.. like he was told to uninstall msn from his puter when everyone in the office (including boss) uses msn to communicate with each other as well as people from their other offices cos it's a global company.

He's gone off to play on the pc now.. I'm in my little office with my laptop

I dunno wht's gonna happen but I really can't see the rest of my life being with him.

Nice(but sad) to hear of others in the same situation.
Am actually feeling more trapped than before.Mum doesn't get it - has never heard of behaviour like this before ( she should come on here!) and I get the impression that she thinks I am being weak and doing all this for an easy life although she does say she will support me if I leave. I think of other thing I have achieved in my life and I don't think thats fair.
Feel like my whole relationship has been a sham and even when he was being nice I was been wound up in his web. Started dating him when 21 (31 now) and hadn't had a relationship for > 6months before so this is all I have to go on.
Leaving is not easy even although I can be financially independant (if I can still work) I don't want to leave the family home but not sure if I have any legal rights to ask him to leave when it is his home as well (joint names of the mortgage).Suspect that he will persuade his family that I am being unreasonable. MIL watches Dc while I work - have I fear that I may not get them back although my family say that is nonsense and his family know what he is like . Have not spoken to his family as I feel I am being disrespectful if I do.
Keep trying to phone women's aid for advice but keep backing down.

Does anyone know what my legal rights are or knows the best way for me to find out.

Hi Popcorn

Im sorry things have got worse for you, it's not easy is it. Maybe your mum is burying her head in the sand a little, maybe she worries about you leaving and being on your own so in her own way prefers you to be with DH. You must do what is right for you. Don't worry about the in laws or what anyone might think, thats not relevant nor important.
Have you looked at the womens aid website? There is some good information on there. If the house is in joint names then you have rights.
Stay strong

Hiya popcorn..

If you jointly own the house then yes you do have rights. I think the starting point is 50-50 and then can be negotiated from there according to who contributed most etc... best thing is to see a lawyer tho, lots of them do free 30 minute consultations which would be enough to give you an idea.

Keep your chin up and be strong as you've been to tolerate him for so long

arrggh I'm soo mad right now.. sorry if I'm hijacking popcorn but I just really need to let this out and it's not worth a new thread

He is sulking because he didn't buy me an easter egg!!! he found the one I bought him and I said he can't have it til tomorrow and where's mine with a grin and he went off on one and has been sulking ever since!!!

fukkin twat

hi

Mine did exactly the same thing about valentines day. You feel guilty because you bought a card!

Another bad night. Went to cinema with DH after his shift finished at 8pm. MIL babysat. Things have been strained recently as I have told him that I am unhappy (and his family although he doesn't know this yet) Anyway tonight was OK if not much conversation. In the car on the way home he say's I will give mum a life home (25 minute round trip) you can go to bad and therfore don't expect me to get up in the morning.i.e I get boys up, dressed, fed, housework etc as I do every Sat/Sun morning alone while he in bed. A couple of minutes later I say. "I don't understand why you don't want to spend time with DC in am - as they are at their best and you have barely seem them all week". This provokes anger, roof being punched, car driven very fast. Saying I am always critizing him for being bab dad, can't stand it any longer, have ruined tomorrow, fed up with me etc. I do and try and fight my corner but feel very small and although I fight my corner I think well I did critisis him but any reasonable person wouldn't act like that would they? He is driving MIL home at present and say's if I don't apologise when he comes back he will leave. I won't apologise but I always feel that I have done something wrong. Why am I incapable of dealing with this!

hi pop, you've probably gone to bed but...didn't want your post to go unanswered.

You cannot fix this because you didn't cause it.

You are not responsible for his actions.... no matter how many times he says it's your fault, you've ruined the day, the week, the year..... it is not true. The pattern is a classic one: he says that often enough and you start to wonder if maybe he's right, maybe if you hadn't SAID this, or DONE that everything would be ok. It is abuse, pop - nothing more nothing less... but I know you know that.

Was MIL aware of tonight's tantrum?

Your poor dh needs some professional help - it is not actually YOUR JOB, either to be a dumping ground for the filth that comes out of his mouth, or to solve his anger management problems. It's HIS JOB. It is a shame if he doesn't because I can see that he will eventually lose you and his dc's and then there's no winners at all.

Keep strong and keep posting!

1. It sounds as if your husband is suffering from a an inferiority complex, and the only way he can deal with it is by trying to intimidate you.
2. In my mind, children first husband second, your first responsibility is towards them, do you want them to have the same behaviour in a relationship with a loved one?
3. I do suggest you get help, fast. It will not get better by itself.

I had a similar relationship, only I waited too long and got beaten up as a result. When that happened the damage was done to me psychologically, but luckily there were no children involved.

There will be life after this.

In the past I would have apologised not because I beleived I was wrong but because life had to go on and we couldn't cancel our weekend plans because he was in a sulk. Knew this was wrong but did it anyway. Only ever took responsibility for my part but still it is wrong.
He will probably stay in bed all day and the boys will barely see him today.

Oh popcorn. I only just found this thread. To be honest I'd initially misread it to say ds or dd tantrums but quite honestly after reading things like..

"However has made me feel quite sorry for him as he said he has tried to pull it together this week (no temper but this am refused to get out of bed because I had upset him last night by not watching a DVD after midnight (DS1 was crying before then) and he didn't sleep and was tired"

you are exactly right, tantrums it is. Honestly popcorn this man is RIDICULOUS. He sounds like an child There are so many people on here with fantastic advice to give and unfortunately stories to share. It is obvious from your posts that your confidence goes up and down depending on your husband's behaviour and he is obviously incredibly good at manipulating that. TRY to ring womens aid again. You can do it. For your children and yourself.

I know it's easy for me to sit here pontificating when I'm not going through it, I acknowledge that fully, but there are people have gone through what you have and come out the other side happier and stronger. Please Popcorn, take another big step forward (first ones being coming on here and talking to your mum) and ring women's aid and find out the real steps you can and need to take. There's always someone around to talk it through on here.

Stay in bed FGS. Where's your break, your time out? Oh Popcorn you sound like such an articulate, caring person. There is so much more to life for you out there.

Thanks for your kind words. Very much appreciciated. Have gone to gym leaving DH with DC's. Excepting to come back to crying children and a battle over lunch and "how could you leave me with them when you know I can't cope" But you never know miracles might happen!
My family are making things a little difficult for me as they feels if I had stood up to him when he wanted his own way when we first got married there wouldn't be a problem now and in some way I have brought it on myself although they do accept that his behaviour is over and above general laziness. I think they just want the problem solved.

Mum2FunkyDude- Do you now look back at the abusive relationship you were involved in and think that anything could have been differently or do you feel that his behaviour was the sole problem and leaving him was the only option?

DANCESwithafewextrapounds - Will motivate myself to speak to women's aid to see what I need to do.

Thanks for reading all my posts!

I really hope that you get some helpful legal advice soon. You sound like a very thoughtful and caring person and I wish you so much luck.

Hi Popcorn
Just wanted to agree with all other comments, if you didn't apologise you definately did the right thing. Why should you apologise for his poor behaviour. I'm really glad you have talked to your family about this and hope they can give you some support. Hope today has been bearable for you. Hope you can find the strength to look into alternatives to your current living arrangements. Remember there are lots of people on here wishing you the best and supporting you.

Pop, you obviously would like to make a go of this relationship and you are quite right to do so. And remember no-one is telling you to just jack it all in/leave him.

I think what everyone is saying is that first, you need to understand that this is abuse you are suffering, secondly that you cannot solve this alone, and thirdly,the advice and help that is out there might show you the way to go.

Lots of love,

Hi Dolally
Yes I want to make a go of this relationship mainly because of the children and because I married him in good faith and like most people how decide to get married took it very seriously.
I have to convince myself that life for my children is better without thier dad being around most of the time. I have already realised that I would be much happier without him around. At the moment he is not a father to them. DS1 doesn't even bother to try and get him out his bed any more and doesn't get excited that daddy os not at work (used to) but I have to see if that will change.
I know cleary realise that being supportive and resaonable is not the way forward and that is what I have been doing for 6 years. I have realised that he has 2 main ways of getting me to do what he wants. One is guilt "I am going to have a breakdown if you don't help me etc - used EVERY day that thing are not going 100% to his plan and other is aggression which is less often but always works as I stay out his way for a while which mean he can plat playstation all day/night with no interference.
I have decided to do what suits me and the kids every day and not think of him first and more importantly not give in to the guilt. In the meantime I will speak to women's aid and relate and take things from there. I am fully prepared to leave if there are not improvement. He is hits me or is very aggressive infront of DC that would change things.

Yesterday went as expected came back from gym to find crying, unfed children who had behaved badly accoring to him and he didn't feel I should leave them with him again as he is incapable!
Last night I am exhausted as up at 6.30. DH at up 10.30am and had nap 5-6pm on couch therefore not tired at 10.30- however comes to bed at 10.30 to watch some telly, plat PSP and drink a night cap but want "bother me" TV is on loud and I can't sleep at 11.45 I get totally fed up and go to spare room. He then comes shouting saying that I am insensitive and incaring for leaving him alone!
Moan finished!

So many spelling errors!

sounds like a lazy fucker

Hi Popcorn

It seems we have reached the same stage.

For the past few weeks I have been distancing myself from DP. Putting DD and myself first and making us the focus of my attention rather than trying to do everything and anything to please him. I have simply stopped! And you know what? It's great! I wish I had done it years ago! It isn't easy to get out of that 'if i do this, that or the other he will like me' mentallity, it's something i work on on a daily basis but, having created that emotional distance between me and him i find myself becoming stronger, my self esteem is increasing as is my confidence. In fact, the stronger i feel the more insignificant he appears to be.

I'm lucky in that i have my own room here, ive made it into my own little bedsit so i don't have to be around him at all if i choose not to be. I make an effort to make everything appear 'normal' for the sake of my DD but other than that i just do my own thing. The feeling of relief is immense!!

xx