DH - tantrums - not sure what to do

[popcorn123]

Hi

Looking for advice on how to deal with difficult behaviour from DH. Have 2 DS's 28 and 12 months. Have had a generally good relationship but have always been the one who did all housework, paying bills etc which caused resentment even before children. He has always had "tantrums" as long as I have known him - smash/punch objects, scream and shout and then in a major huff for ages. Sometimes with minimal provacation. These were infrequent and although I knew I should have been dealing with it, I ignored it.

Since children have come on the scene thing as much worse. I do just about everthing - all childcare, housework, nigh feeds, cooking, paying bills etc. He occassionally helps a bit but is usually short lived. He spends time with DS's - but only plays with them. If I challenge this I get told "do you know how hard I work". "My job is very stressful and I have nothing else to give" " you are better at it" etc.

If he feels stressed and I ask him for help or he feels he is not getting enough attention (e.g after DS2 was born -recently when I had extra work to do in the evening then his beviour gets worse.
He will loose his temper shout through chairs around and tell me that his behaviour is all my fault. This can be infront of DS's and DS1 gets very upset which doesn;t stop him. He told DS1 several times this week that "mummy is very bad to daddy" DS1 can also get shouted at if he is in the wrong place .
If I am in full control of the children. housework and still am able to dedicate my eveing to him he is OK but if something upsets this balance he becomes unstable.

Over the past year I have tried talking to him when calm, writing letters to try and help and read several relationship books to try and see what I can do but the cycle still continues.

He ultimately believes that his needs are greater.g his work is harder, his rest time is more important.

He treat his own family with the same lack of respect but seems oblivious to why people have no time for hime.

I think he is depressed just now but won't go to GP due to pride and a fear that his employers would find out which would affect future employment.

His parents had/have a difficult relationship but I was never subject to anything like this and I am terrified of the effects this is having on DS's

How can I deal with it. At the moment I am ignoring him and only having essential conversation. He will calm down soon and will be more help for a short time but then the cycle will continue.

What can I do?

HI
Was also concerned when I read your post as I did not think your situation was any better than mine and I wasn't sure that you realised it. I didn't intially comment as I haven't done anything yet about my relationship so didn't feel in a good place to give advice.
You also need to start seeing your husband for what he really is. Could you explain your sentence reagaring earing capacity as I wasn't sure what you meant. I have now realised that refusing to help me with the kids is not just laziness it is lack of respect. Most people would help a stranger if there carrying a baby, trying to keep a toddler safe and carrying bags but my H watches (or is aware of me doing this) every day but doesn't help.
My 18 year old brother is a typical teenager - prone to laziness and doesn't know how to interact with small children but he is mcuh more support than H.

Am planning to speak to my family but need time without DC to do this as I know I will get upset. This has to be after they are sleeping as H will not watch both of them. Realised how much agro I will get if I go round to parents' house for more than 30 minutes on one of his "evenings off". He will phone everal times to see when I am coming home. Have only just realised that this is not normal.

Thanks for listening to me. It has given me more courage than I can imagine and hopefully I can also be brave in RL.

Popcorn - ask your bro to watch the dc's whilst you are chatting to your mum. Put a video on the tv for them for 30 mins or so and they'll be fine with their uncle whilst you can chat in another room with your mum.

Would your mum have room to put you up whilst you and DH sort out what the next step must be?

Hi
Yes my Mum would have room to put us up but would mean a bit of room switching around. But possible if necessary. Have to do something soon or will get cold feet. Scared that my mum will say that I should just stand up for myself and it will all be OK. She is always commenting how quiet I am these days so hopefully she will understand.
Am going to attempt another chat about relationship counselling this evening with hubby. Don't believe it will be successful but have to try everything if I am going to leave.

Best of luck talking to him. I don't advocate people to leave a spouse lightly, but I really don't think he is going to change....

Good luck, popcorn.

I hope he agree's to go to counselling.

I think reading more, and seeinh popcorns follow up I realise how different my relationship is.. there is a subtle difference between someone with a temper, and someone who is abusive and controlling. My dh is the former, and i think perhaps popcorns might be the latter.

Popcorn - I'm sorry, i hope u didn't feel i was making light of your situation. i wish you the very best of luck in whatever course you choose

fucking omg, someone else is going through the same as me what do you do? I try to ignore it but it winds me up no end, also finding ds1 3yrs is copying dps behaviour

Is not agreeable to counselling as won't talk a third party about our problems. Offered that we go away for a weekend to talk thing over - refused this also.
Spoke to my Mum this morning and accepts that there is a big problem but feels if I just loose the rag with him he will hopefully see the light.
I said if he is not agreeable to getting help then on eof us has to leave. He was shocked as I don't think he knew it was coming. However has made me feel quite sorry for him as he said he has tried to pull it together this week (no temper but this am refused to get out of bed because I had upset him last night by not watching a DVD after midnight (DS1 was crying before then) and he didn't sleep and was tired.
I think my biggest problem is I don't like upsettig people and do everything I can to avoid it. However if he doesn't accpet there is a problem I will have to leave. Unfortuantely again feeling like this is a problem all in my head.

Growingbagpuss - I didn't think you were belittlingmy probelm - just genuinely didn't understand -sorry.

popcorn, you are coming a long way, do not get inside of your shell thinking its you, all in your head... you've been doing a great job in coming out of denial, dont give up just now.

when he makes you feel guilty or sorry for himself, is just another way of him manipulating you.

you have detected the smoke, you are not making this up.

cheering for you.

I wish your mum had been able to see how serious this was, but at least you'vegot the lines of communication open.

To be honest though this isn't even just about anger management is it? He controls you by fear of his temper sure, but he also manipulates you and wears you down...

Yopu said it yourself - most strangers would help a mother struggling with youg children and shopping, but your husband doesn't even consider it to be a task worthy of assisting you. He doesn't think you or his children are worth his time.

Please don't think this is all in your head - thats what he would love you to think. Well done for telling him how you feel - now don't make them empty words. make him realise what he stands to lose!

Good Luck!

LOnger chat with my mum. Talked me about of leaving for now. She is an exceptionally assertive person and her gut reaction is that I thought look after myself by getting hair done, going to gym therfore H will respect me more. She is right that I should improve my self esteem but this in my mind still puts an element of responsibility on my plate which I am trying to get rid of. H has cut himself before at these times and reminded me lots that it was me that caused him to do it although he hasn't done this for a while. Is this just further manipulative behaviour or does he desperately need psychiatric help. (Have discusses this with him - say's he can't talk to a professional and puts the responsibility on me to fix it)
Feel like I have taken a step back.

Er, him cutting himself is his thing. Not yours. It will never be yours. It's manipulative in the extreme - if he had a real self harm thing he would do it all the time, not just when you start standing up for yourself.

Get out. Really, get out, get away from this man, he sounds awful.

You did not cause him to do it. HE caused him to do it.

reading this, i am very shocked. this man is emotionally abusing and manipulating you. he is f*cking with your head. i am also surprised no-one has mentioned womens aid yet, its not just for people physcially abused.

erm, is your mother saying you should pretty yourself up to make your man treat you better?

no, no, no, no,no i say a million times no.

this is not about you having a new hairdo or tighter thighs! why do you have to do those - cosmetic btw - things to trigger some change in him. if he doesnt respect you now you think highlights will make him? and when you are in such a terrible situation, do you really think you will feel less abused if you have a firmer tummy?

i hope i misunderstood what your mum was suggesting.

as to him cutting himself and then (basically) holding out his bloodied hands and saying look what you made me do. 100% manipulation. if he threatens it, fetch him a knife and say try not to bleed onto the carpet, the stains are a bugger to get out. then leave the room. i cant say it loud enough - do NOT accept responsibility for his actions. it is only your doing if you stab him yourself.

mtpw - i agree entirely.
popcorn - why does your mum think you should stay with him? does she know how he treats you in front og her gchildren and how it has effected the eldest?

hi popcorn,
your dh sounds a bit like my ex, less violent maybe.
My ex cant face up to reality, cant take responsibility and blames me for everything. And I am very easy-going and went along with it for ages.
If I could send him to an addicts' treatment centre, to be forced to face up to his life and take responsibility for it, then I would. But as he is addicted merely to blaming others, not to any actual substance, I cant see any likelihood of him getting treatment.

I agree with the others, you should not take blame for your h's habits.

Your mum's approach seems to be that you should get more control in the relationship by asserting yourself more. If you are naturally not an assertive person, that is not an attractive option, though.

the only other long term solution would seem to be if you could get your h to face reality. If you find a treatment centre that takes angry men, who blame their wives for everything and try to evade responsibility, and can turn them out as fully functioning human beings, then please do let me know!!

mytwopenceworth - I think my mum was suggesting that if I improved my self confidence I would be more assertive.
She had only heard all this for the first time yesterday so I'm not sure she fully grasped what I was saying about using DS1 to get at me. I think she thought I was being impulsive by saying I want to leave as she didn't know what had gone on before.
Nightynight - yes I agree, lack of insight is the biggest hindrance as you can't work on something when they haven't got a clue what you are getting at.
Have explained to H that if there is any more aggressive behaviour then he has to leave, in the meantime I will try any explain why I so unhappy. If he doesn't make any effort then I will ask for a divorce.
I am very sad (actually not upset) about all of this.

Again thanks for all your support

This could have been written by me
Although things have been pretty good for the last 3 weeks or so.. today he got up at 3pm in a foul mood, only reason I can think of is because I woke up before him and actually got up rather than stay in bed and wait for him to wake up.

So far he has complained that everyone else eats all the food before he can and that if he wants a cheese sandwich he has to go and buy his own cheese and bread cos everyone else has touched it.. this is complete bollocks!! and that I'm a lazy cow who does nothing.. ermmm.. my washing machine has been broken since january so I've been doing it all by hand.. he seems to think his clothes get clean all by themselves!

He says I'm ignorant and my children are degenerates.. yet I'm the one with the education.. he complains about everything and I dread there being problems with the transport system cos I have to hear about it all night, going out for a meal or a drink is a nightmare because if it's not exactly to his liking again, he does nothing but moan and moan and moan.. everyone else is at fault but he's perfect

I've tried to break up with him many times but he just won't go.. he always manages to talk me round

I really don't know the way forward but I too am tired of walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. We dont have a single door in the house that doesn't have a punch hole in it as well as some of the walls.. and then he complains cos we live in a dump... errr.. who made it that way??? He never lifts a finger to help around the place either.. there's been some furniture waiting to be assembled for a month now but he wont do it and I'm not allowed to touch it

Arrrggh.. rant over, thanks for letting me get that off my chest

This is terrible SCP I am so sorry for you. BUT... there does come a time when we have to stop being the 'victim' and take responsibilty for our own lives and that of our children They can only treat us this way if we allow them to. I can only guess that by reaching out to us on here that you have reachd the point where you really want help, you want to be free of all this misery but are not quite sure what to do or where to go next. Or you are feeling so low and so trapped you just want to talk about it. Well you have come to th right place no one on here will judge you, just support you, so feel free to talk away! I can promise you, you will feel so much better and much stronger for doing so. This site has been a godsend to me and ive 'met' so many lovely people. And throughout all of our troubles, we even manage to have a laugh, something i can guess you don't get to do very often.

I hope you don't mind me asking, please feel free not to answer but, does your DH use physical violence against you? Does he hit you? Have you sought help from anyone or anywhere else? Do you have friends or a support network in real life?

Stay strong and keep posting. We will help you all we can xx

Aww IOHW.. you're so lovely to care so much when you have troubles of your own.. thank you for that

No, he's never hit me, I don't think he ever would tbh.

I know what you mean about this site.. I've lurked here for over a year and just made a user name about 2 months ago.

I don't really have friends anymore.. and the only family I have is my mum who can't stand him anyway, lol. I used to have a job but he made me give that up last summer I went back to uni last autumn but for various reasons I've had to interrupt my studies until next year so I am pretty much alone apart from him and my son.

He is much better than he used to be.. his outbursts used to be daily and now they're just every couple of weeks and he will now acknowledge that he's been a dick and apologise which is a huge improvement, but whenever we've got to the breakup stage in the past, me being soft and gullible has allowed him to persuade me to let him stay (it's my house) and make a go of things.

I've just recently started to realise that I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next tantrum and being careful not to say the wrong thing.

My first husband was someone who was remarkably similar to your husband, he had 2 sides, one for me and one for everyone else, used to check the mileage on the car and if I did go anywhere would keep ringing until I went home. One day I told him I was going to get some bread and milk, took the children who were both under 5 at the time and never went back!

Second relationship was with someone who was very cold and distant, he would literally freeze me out and not talk for weeks on end.. then he started getting odd and suggesting I sleep with other men cos he said he had a low sex drive, and like you.. I did everything I could to make him see that I was a worthy person and try to make him love me. After 2 years of not talking and him sleeping on the sofa, he finally moved out one day while I was at work, taking my tv, stereo etc with him

and now this one.. he is very affectionate and attentive, treats me like a princess a lot of the time but then all 3 have been like that.. they just seem to have this other side to their personalities. I've often wondered if it's something about me that makes men change like that.. or if I just attract the ones who have that in them.

I dunno the answer.. but I do know something has to change.. unless he's prepared to deal with his issues then the relationship has to be over.

Gosh that was long!!!! How are you feeling today IOHW?

Well, the one thing i have learnt is that we can't change them but we can change ourselves. My guess is that your self esteem is rather low. It's strange and maybe difficult for someone not in this situation to understand but, when they are being nice, you feel loved and safe, well looked after, thats when you tend do do things like give up your job he didn't make you do that, you did it because he asked you to and you wanted to please him. Then we have a moment when we become assertive and we blame them for making us do these thing. No one can make us do anything we don't want to do. I hope you don't think i'm being harsh, i'm not. I am speaking from my own experience though. I'm making a HUGE effort to take responsibility for my own life now, my own choices. I'm taking the control away from my P. It's not easy but i feel whatever i'm doing is working.

What do you think you will do. Are you planning to leave him? Ive just opened a 'running away' account, paid my first £5 in this week it's not much but it's a start!

I'm just wondering. When you first met your DP's, did you see something in them, some kind of vulnerability, that made you feel you could help them. Did they have problems of some sort which you thought you could help them with. At the start of the relationships did you feel you were the stronger force?

lol... well, in terms of my job.. he said if I didn't give it up he would gamble his whole months wages in the casino! I really thought he would do it soo.. I gave in.

You could be right about the strength thing.. I'm not sure.. have to give it some thought. I met my exhusband when he was in the process of leaving his first wife. I'd known him to say hello to for years and saw him one day when he was walking along with a suitcase.. offered him my mum's spare room.. and the rest is history, lol

The 2nd one I had actually met once while still married as he was a friend of a friend, so about 18 mnths after I left my husband, our mutual friend put us together, he made me give up my job too.. he walked into the office one day and said you're not working here anymore.. lifted me up and carried me out a bit like the scene in an officer and a gentleman.. very romantic but made me dependent on him totally.

And this one.. he worked for my isp.. I called them up one day cos my internet wasn't working and we just clicked.. had a great laugh and then started emailing back and forth.. then phone calls, and then finally we met 2 months later and been together since.

I'm not sure about the being stronger thing because ppl tend to treat me like a child.. I have one cousin who's older than me and when I see occasionally see her she still tries to give me pocket money!! my mum does the same at times and so does b/f! I'm 36 years old ffs!!!

I often wonder if it's all linked to my childhood in some way but not sure.. my dad was an alcoholic, gambling wife beater and once my mum got rid of him she worked really hard to make a decent life for her and me.. so I didn't really have much affection or quality time with her and she was often impatient with me, but i think looking back she was exhausted and stressed and doing the best she could, and I'm an only child.

I'm lucky in that I don't need to run away.. this is my house, I just need to find a way to make him leave, lol. I do squirrel money away.. I think I've got about £300 in my secret stash atm.. I just put away any spare change I have and if I have left over money at the end of the month then that goes in too. it's all in a big envelope hidden in a ring binder to do with my uni work, no one would ever look there, hehe

You know what? £5 is a great start.. and it will soon grow... it's taken me about 6 months to get to £300 and I despaired at first of ever reaching a fiver.. but I started cutting back on things that wouldn't be noticed, cheaper brands in the supermarket etc and it soon mounts up

Gawd I seem to write a novel each time I post here!