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Original poster

Children being looked after by others when with ExW

76 replies

user73489723 · 18/07/2017 13:15

Hi,

I'm wondering if I can get opinions on this and if anyone has experience. I have access to my children 1 night a week and every other weekend and have requested more access to make it a 50/50 shared custody arrangement which is always knocked back with a rejection, so I have basically given up on that.

However, this morning I turned up at the children's school and saw my ExW's car there very early. I asked at reception as I was dropping something off and she said, no the kids weren't in yet, but I saw that my ExW had signed in to go into the school. Emailed and after a few hours a reply from ExW was to say the kids were at another parents.

In the past, when one of the children has been ill, she hasn't told me until after school and the drop off/pick ups she gets other parents to do. I really have no idea how often she is getting others to care for the children. They go on sleepovers with friends a lot (every weekend they are with her practically). I work from home most days and would be available to do all of the above. I get that she isn't asking me because she hates me basically, but is this right? Shortly after the split she came down on me like a ton of bricks when she found out I was going to use a babysitter one evening (I didn't use one in the end and haven't used one since).

Anybody got similar accounts?

OP posts:
MrsJoyOdell · 18/07/2017 13:18

Are you serious? Leave her the fuck alone! Her childcare arrangements are none of your business.

Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 13:20

Her days she can do what she likes. Your days, you can.

Kirsty157 · 18/07/2017 13:22

I think she is perfectly within her rights to use whatever childcare she wants, as long as the dc are safe.

She probably didn't ask you as she doesn't want any favours from you? I do think though that you have a right to coparent your kids, and should try and talk to her about this, or if you want more contact you could talk to a family solicitor?

YoureNotASausage · 18/07/2017 13:24

I think it sounds shit OP. But fathers are not seen to 'need' access to their kids in general.

Her childcare arrangements are her business but it's very cruel that she blocks you from having them more.

Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 13:27

It's impossible to say if it's cruel or not based on the details we have here. I had to withdraw contact altogether last year for very valid and serious reasons. I'm sure exdh had plenty of friends hearing only his side of the story and thinking I was being cruel.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2017 13:31

I think you should focus your energies on getting 50/50 - no idea why you gave up on that Confused if you're available and willing

Do not under any circumstances focus on what happens in your ex's time as part of your case - instead focus on what you can do as a proper shared parent

Only a crap uninvolved parent sees their kid one day every two weeks so focus on improving what YOU do

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2017 13:33

Have you asked the court for more contact time?

PricklyCactuss · 18/07/2017 13:36

Disagree with most PP. My DB and his exgf had a social worker for their baby when she was born as they were young to help establish communication between them. And she always said that if the baby wasn't with their mum, their dad should be asked before anyone else. This should apply here yoo

TheNaze73 · 18/07/2017 13:36

Fight for 50/50.

Bluebell878275 · 18/07/2017 13:52

Go to court and fight for your children. She doesn't get to say 'no' and that's it...!

BestZebbie · 18/07/2017 13:59

The children can go on sleepovers, visit friends, go on school trips/brownie pack holiday etc and stay with your ex's parents (etc) all quite legitimately on her time.
The same is true of your time - as you only have one night every so often imo there is more responsibility on you to actually be present yourself for all of that time, however - though it is also your opportunity to take your DC see your family, take them to their friend's birthday parties etc.

YoshimiBTPR · 18/07/2017 14:33

I always ask my children's father before I arrange childcare.
(Sleepovers might just be for fun.)

I'd expect the same the other way round. It's absolutely fine of course if either is unavailable.

It must feel sad to want to spend more time with them and know others are babysitting.

Hmm... Thinking about it though, we are struggling to feel properly separated and still feel very much part of each others lives. I can see how separating time more formally would help.

It's about the children though. I think they benefit from more than the bare minimum time with their dad.

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 14:42

That all sounds like normal stuff to me, kids going on sleepovers having fun, what's the problem? She has to arrange childcare for her time just like you need to arrange it for your time. If your seeing the kids only 1 night a week I fail to see why you would need a sitter... surely you would want to spend the one night a week you get with them actually with them?
I do think you should push for more contact. Even if it's not 50/50 you could try for Friday to Sunday?

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 14:44

Does your ex work at the school? Maybe she needed to go in to work early, she can't take the kids to work just like you couldn't take the kids to your work.

Original poster
user73489723 · 18/07/2017 19:53

Thanks for the posts, I just want to clarify I have 1 night in the week and 3 nights every other weekend (so 5 nights out of 14) and 1 evening during the week too.

Yes I am going to court, but to shore up what I have, the response to asking for 50/50 was my ExW to say she thinks I shouldn't have the evening in the week and I shouldn't have Sunday nights (ironically because she says she gets them to school 'better'). So rather than risk getting less access I need to get it formalised what I have in place unfortunately.

I have tried to do alternative childcare arrangements in the past for when I couldn't pick them up from school, and my ExW actually went to the school and picked up the children in front of who I'd arranged. I don't know what PP think of that approach? Should I try to do that? I can imagine a father doing that would be seen as very aggressive and the police called....

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 18/07/2017 20:18

I can imagine xh saying the same about me. Except I've asked him so many times to help out and each time have been told no, and so have completely given up asking. Instead I arrange babysitters, sleepovers etc on the rare occasions I need to go out.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 18/07/2017 20:23

If you work from home would the children want to live with you instead? Have you asked them if they're happy?

Don't know the ages so not sure if their views can be considered by the court. So just a thought

Janeismymiddlename · 18/07/2017 21:13

Why are you at school checking up on what the ex is doing?

Changedname3456 · 18/07/2017 21:13

"Only a crap uninvolved parent sees their kid one day every two weeks so focus on improving what YOU do"

Oh you can stick that one right up your arse. Typical frigging approach from some of you lot who have never been on the receiving end of our "Family" court system and, as women, have a vanishingly small chance of ever getting royally screwed over by them.

OP I could have written this post. I had 50:50 for three years and never had another adult looking after our kids on my nights. My exW, on the other hand, continuously palmed them off on friends and paid childcare. It was chaotic and they were constantly asking to be at mine instead, which she absolutely refused to listen to.

The court took sod all notice and the situation has got even worse now they're 200 miles away.

Yes, to a certain extent it's her time so "her business" but she's not doing best by the kids and I suspect she knows it, whilst twisting reality any which way she can in her mind to justify it to herself. If she were coming on here, with the situation reversed, then all the pps would be saying that you, the father, were out of order.

Go to FC, by all means, but don't just ask for the status quo. Make the strongest case you can for 50:50 and push for it. Be prepared for them not to want to listen to you, but best of luck anyway.

Janeismymiddlename · 18/07/2017 21:14

if you work from home would the children want to live with you instead? Have you asked them if they're happy?

What kind of questions are those? Let's put children slap bang in the middle of their parents and ask them to choose. Jesus wept.

Changedname3456 · 18/07/2017 21:18

What kind of questions are those? Let's put children slap bang in the middle of their parents and ask them to choose. Jesus wept.

Again, someone who's clearly not been through FC. That's essentially exactly what CAFCASS will do if the court asks for a full report.

They'll interview the kids and then make a recommendation that Mum keeps the kids regardless to the magistrates.

WyfOfBathe · 18/07/2017 21:26

Presumably your ex has reasons for not wanting to increase contact. They may or may not be good reasons, but she probably thinks they are, so she's going to contact people who she wants to look after the DC.

Can I ask why you were at the DC's school early in the morning on a day you don't have contact?

Changedname3456 · 18/07/2017 21:31

His first post says he was there dropping something off.

Why it's particularly relevant, I don't know. If you had concerns over the way your partner was treating your DC then you'd take steps to find out what was going on.

WyfOfBathe · 18/07/2017 21:36

His first post says he was there dropping something off.

Sorry, I misread the post - I thought it said his exw was dropping something off.

Janeismymiddlename · 18/07/2017 21:38

Again, someone who's clearly not been through FC

Erm....wrong. Very wrong. And Cafcass workers would never ask a small child,who they would,prefer to live with.