Children being looked after by others when with ExW

[user73489723]

Hi,

I'm wondering if I can get opinions on this and if anyone has experience. I have access to my children 1 night a week and every other weekend and have requested more access to make it a 50/50 shared custody arrangement which is always knocked back with a rejection, so I have basically given up on that.

However, this morning I turned up at the children's school and saw my ExW's car there very early. I asked at reception as I was dropping something off and she said, no the kids weren't in yet, but I saw that my ExW had signed in to go into the school. Emailed and after a few hours a reply from ExW was to say the kids were at another parents.

In the past, when one of the children has been ill, she hasn't told me until after school and the drop off/pick ups she gets other parents to do. I really have no idea how often she is getting others to care for the children. They go on sleepovers with friends a lot (every weekend they are with her practically). I work from home most days and would be available to do all of the above. I get that she isn't asking me because she hates me basically, but is this right? Shortly after the split she came down on me like a ton of bricks when she found out I was going to use a babysitter one evening (I didn't use one in the end and haven't used one since).

Anybody got similar accounts?

Riiiiiight AnneB - because he's clearly the unreasonable one in this situation.

If he should "keep the fuck out" of her childcare arrangements, as a pp charmingly put it, then she should at least show him the same courtesy.

Clearly she believes that if he can't pick up until later she has the right to interfere, but won't countenance any increase (in fact, wants to reduce his contact by a night) even though that would clearly be better for the dc and cost her less in childcare funding and/or having to over-rely on friends.

There is, for so many women IME, some sort of mental barrier to co-parenting when it means that Dad might actually play an equal role in the upbringing of their dc. Everyone ends up using the odd bit of third party help, but it's not a good substitute for having one or other parent being a, you know, parent to their kids instead (with the usual provisos that there's no abuse or neglect in the mix).

The Family Court looks at what is fair. My sis' DH got custody of his DD. He did have his DDs best interests at heart though, he wasn't hellbent at getting back at his ex for whatever reason or other. He was simply the best and most stable carer, and it showed. The court acted accordingly

Changed I struggle with those feelings a bit. I manage them very well I think (hope!) because I do value my DCs dad's role in their life.

But I think there are a number of reasons I sometimes feel like "more of a parent" (not the best wording). Before separation I was primary carer. As I expect is true for lots of women. I was part of everything in DCs day to day life, friendships trials, sports kit, playdates etc. So it's a huge adjustment to stop doing that a lot of the time.

Also I'm not sure how much dads take over those aspects of childcare during their contact time.

Perhaps because ex had to get used to being away from DC (at work) from when they are tiny, I think he already coped with separation. He would, eg, have the odd weekend away without a second thought whereas being away from them was a huge deal to me.

I don't believe women are naturally the better carers. But life puts us in that position then post separation suddenly we are that told means nothing.

And despite how this sounds, coping with my reduced role isn't all about my feelings (of course I miss them desperately). It's about them - about believing they need me - about having been central to their lives and their well-being having been nearly solely my responsibility for so much of the time.

Just trying to give some insight that it's not all about bitter mother's.

It suits men (at a society level) well enough to push women into primary carer so why be surprised at the outcome post separation?

Again, I genuinely believe fathers can be every bit as good parents as mother's. I see the great relationship of DC with their dad as one of the positive outcomes of my own separation.

Go for 50/50

I'd say it's up to her how she arranges childcare when she has them, but look into the 50/50 care again as unless the current arrangement is court ordered she doesn't actually have the right to tell you you can't have them more, especially if your circumstances mean that they would easily be able to attend the same school/clubs etc.

Is 50/50 best though? I can't imagine how unsettling it would be for children to spend their lives in two different homes half the time.

Five days from 15 seems like a good starting point and it is best not to start a war over her childcare arrangements. You have not said the children are not safe and therefore you should allow her to proceed with her decisions.

Try to stop the petty arguments- it will only damage your chances long term of her increasing your contact.

Op whay she does for childcare on her days is up to her.

Personally, i think it would be better for the kids to have you help her out instead. Assuming this is chilcare not, sleep overs for fun and what not.

But thats not going to happen. So continue to pursue more time with your kids through the court

Society expects women to be the primary carers of young children. In order for 50:50 post separation to work that needs to change. Which is one of the reasons men should be active radical feminists.

Much more concise than my (sleep deprived) rambling earlier.

No, the family courts do not look at what is fair. It assesses on the best interests of the child which is usually not a 50:50 arrangement.

Depends on the judge I think often. Yes the position is always best interests of the child but different judges see access to their father in varying levels of importance to the child's best interests.

"..which is usually not a 50:50 arrangement."

In your opinion, and unfortunately the opinion of so many mothers (but funnily enough, usually only once separated).

I don't need to become a "militant feminist" to know the value of what my daughters bring to my life. And becoming one will make fuck all difference to how little value "society" ascribes to a father being in theirs.

"In your opinion, and unfortunately the opinion of so many mothers (but funnily enough, usually only once separated)."

Really? In my experience, both in real life and on here, lots of women are desparate for their partners to be more involved with the children.

And who said anything about militant feminism?

Alright then, "radical" rather than militant. And that was you!

They tend to be "desperate" for that engagement up to the point it suits them to be.

In my experience, real life (incl personal) and on many threads on here, you have as many mothers looking to control the volume of contact on the often trotted out, catch-all excuse, of "only I know what's best for my kids."

Ah. One of those people who think radial and mikirant are the same thing and can't be bothered to find out what the difference is. Fair enough. Come back when you know what you're talking about.

Militant, obviously.

If you want more access you speak to her or take her to court. sounds harsh but if the kids are at a sleepover so she can be with her boyfriend then why cant they be with you? Unless of course the courts see fit that you don't have access.

Very frustrated with some of the posts on here, this man is expressing concerns that his children are being looked after others when they could be in his care.

He is their father if there not with their mother he should be the obvious choice.

Have you and your ex tried mediation,, have you asked for more contact ??

he should fight for FULL custody x

@annoyedand
It would be a shame if the parents decided that the children could only be in the care of one or the other of them, and that therefore they were not allows to spend any time with friends, and sleepovers were out of the question.

Surely the obvious solution is as I said earlier. If he wants more than his current 37/73 ish split he might need to go to court, but otherwise allow the mother to make childcare decisions they're in her care, and make his own when they're on his care (without telling her so she can't pull that picking them up from school stunt).

"Ah. One of those people who think radial and mikirant"

Nope - just someone scrolling up and down on a small phone screen who misremembered what you'd typed.

My point remains the same - I don't need to be a feminist (radical, "radial" or any other flavour!)

My point remains the same - I don't need to be a feminist

Well if you want to campaign for equal rights for fathers (which i agree should be the case), then perhaps you should consider feminism. The core value is equality after all (and not whatever you think it might be).

The rest of the line's in my 11:43 post above. The point I'm making makes more sense there.

But to address your point, all "ism's" are suspect IME. You can argue all day about what the "core values" are to feminism, socialism, communism, fascism, the fact remains that what they are really about is what's done in practice under their name.

Changedname3456 As OP is unhappy that his ex-f is having other people looking after their child when she isn't able then I don't think it's unreasonable of me to ask whether he does the same. Or whether he asks his ex-wife first before arranging babysitters or arranging alternative childcare.

I know this is old but I just wanted to say how sick I am of the hypocrisy from women on here. Makes me feel sick.