I know what I need to do ... just don't want to.

[heather19771210]

Sorry if this is long.
Background: met H at 15, got married at 25 and now have 4 DC 13, 11, 9 and 6. Am now almost 40.
When 9yo was born there was an incident when at 5mths old he sustained a upper arm fracture when H lifted him from his cot. This obvs. caused a SS investigation which ended in a case conference and H was interviewed under caution by police. It was found dc were not in danger.
3 years later dc4 was born and H admitted to having had a 4 month affair before I became pregnant as he felt his life was changed by SS involvement and that he wanted to ruin his life?!?
We separated for a few months but he continued to come to the home daily and eventually moved back in.
I have had a lot of mental Heath issues stemming from this and have had lots of counselling and psych input.
Last year we had an incident of Him texting a woman from work and I found it when the text was sent to my daughters phone as they shared an iTunes account.
Again I tried to work past this but from his side it was very much 'just get over it or this won't work'.
Last July he said I was pushing him asking what was wrong and he said he wasn't happy and cld see no alternative but to separate. I was upset but agreed but again he came daily and put kids robbed them left and went to stay in a relatives house. He has been living part time her and part time there for a year now. Sometimes he says he is just scared to move in and sometimes he says he just doesn't know what he wants. I had set him a deadline of Sept. go move back in and thought things were going the right way.
We are just back from a week's holiday and I thought we had a good time.
Since we arrived back on Saturday he seems to have totally lost it.
He was snappy with the DC so I asked what was wrong and he said he felt 'cooped up'. I told him to go for a drive and he said thanks and went.
I text him and said I wanted him to be happy and if that meant without me then just be honest. He said he was 'grand' and came back. He then said the kids were annoying him and he got in the car and left. He came back around 1am.
Same sort of thing yesterday.
Says his bubble burst when SS were called and he changed and he can't slow himself to be happy.
This is really starting to affect me. I am stressed to but I have to be here for my DC. I feel myself slipping into the dark depression rabbit hole even tho my meds have been increased again. My heart is breaking. He says he loves me but he can't keep on living like this. I have to keep a poker face for work and DC and I feel lost.
Sorry for the length.

As you say, you know what to do. You deserve better than to be strung along.

Thank you. Think I've just been with him so long.

Do you think he's cheating again? I think it sounds like that he's using the previous SS stuff as an excuse to have his cake and eat it. You deserve better than that.

Separate. Don't let him back in the house this time. He needs to make a decision and stick to it. You can't move on while he's still hedging his bets. Oh, and if someone cheats, they don't get to tell their partner, "get over it or this won't work."
The Social Services thing must have been unpleasant but it happened about 9 years ago. Sounds like he's using it as an excuse to behave like an irresponsible, unfaithful shit. You can do much better. Your children deserve better than to see their mum treated this way.

I agree. I have asked if he's having an affair and he says not but that's what it looks like even to me. I'm on my own here (family live abroad) and the thought of being alone is scary.

SS involvement must have been very difficult BUT if he can't take control of those feelings and move on for their sake and his, he is allowing more suffering to be caused. This sounds horribly difficult for all of you. But he can't have his cake and eat it? I think I would suggest you try living apart properly. See what you both enjoy and miss about that?

So it's official he's having an affair. Girl sent me proof via a friend. Im devastated

You must be absolutely gutted, but it makes the situation clearer. It's over, and now you can begin to move on (both emotionally and in terms of practicalities). You can do this

Ah heather I'm so sorry Do you have anyone to talk to? Be really kind to yourself these next few days, it will still be a shock even though you had an idea.

I know it's over. He is gutted I've told kids in a age appropriate way and that I've told my family. We were on holiday last week and he told her he cldnt see her as my dad (who lives overseas) had a heartattack and I had to go to him so he had to mind our DC.
I'm so frustrated, lonely and angry I could scream. I'm having those awful visions of how I could die but I won't do that to my DC. My friends have been great but I feel so lonely

Thank you. My two friends came up tonight and are a great support. I miss my mum and my sister but I've spoken to them both and my poor daddy who is distraught.
Mum offered to fly home but it's a 7 hour flight and I feel bad.
I've spoken to my wonderful boss who totally supports me and who knows I need time off to heal and be with my babies.
I just need to stop loving him. Head is sore. I stop eating when this happens and I'm on meds so it's not good

I know it's hard but try to eat tiny bits if you can, ice lollies are good for keeping your energy up if you can't face anything else, I always resort to rich tea biscuits dunked in tea, no chewing or effort required. I know it doesn't help now but you won't always feel like this, you couldn't have carried on in limbo like you were and you can start the recovery process now with no doubt in your mind about which direction you're going. Here to hold your hand if it helps at all.

Thank you so much. Wish I could sleep. The pictures and text are buzzing around my head. I can't think straight let alone try to sleep. Thank goodness I started CBT two weeks ago. Little did I know how much I will need this counselling. I wish it was next month.

Sorry for messaging again. I can close my eyes. I'm tired but when I close my eyes I can see the pics of them together. I can't do this

Sweetheart...

He felt "grand"? Because he thinks that he has you dangling exactly where he wants you!

You want HIM to be happy? What about your happiness?

You've been strong enough to post. Try to gather just a little more strength to step back and see it foe what it is. What would you tell another poster in this situation?

💜

It is going to be a bit of a batten down the hatches job for a while, this is the worst bit though and that means the only way is up from this point. It's a shame you can't fast forward to next month, I think you'd be surprised how much progress you will have made by then.

Once the shock of him cheating wears off a little I think you'll start to feel like a weight has been lifted, his to-ing and fro-ing must have been torture. You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100% and he's obviously not up to the job, there's better out there for you heather.

Thank you. I suppose things seem worse at night. I just want to sleep but I can't close my eyes. I don't want to see the pics again. He gets to go live and I'm left behind to pick up the pieces. He is livid I told the DC that he had a girlfriend and he loved them and they don't need to take sides. He wanted to pretend to them nothing had changed. I'm a bad person, I must be

I don't know whether you're a bad person or not in general. What I DO know, is that nobody who can see the smidgen of good in shitbags like him, and still love him, could ever be bad at all! This is NOT on you! This is how he wants you to feel.

Thank you. He is a shitbag. My friends are rallying round and my DC love me so I can't be that bad. I can't bear the thought of him being happy and living a great life and we give are left behind.

He's a lying bastard who has been putting you through hell. You will be better off without him in the long run it just takes time getting there. On the sleep thing either put on a film you've watched loads so you won't be having to follow the plot or if you have any put on an audio book to listen too. This really worked for me when I couldn't sleep because I could just listen a bit whenever I woke up and it stopped me having to think about the crap going on in my life. I'm 12 months on now and feel so much happier and I'd been with my ex for 28 years since I was 17 so even longer than you. I am much happier and better off and you will be too.

Going by past threads on MN- sorry, but that's all the experience I have- chances are that you'll end up happier than him anyway. You will walk away with the respect of your babies, nd a clear concience. You do need to rest though- even if you can't sleep. I knw- easier said than done! Are you able to curl up with Netflix or a book for the next few hours? Or keep posting on here?

Thank you. I have Gilmore girls playing in background. Not too much mushy stuff and I've watched it before. It's nice to hear other similar experiences. He has put me through hell he really has, I'm broken and he's feeling sorry for himself like he's a victim.

I need to get into GG. People on the PLL threads have recommended it. (I'd recommend PLL too if you want mindless shite that's somehow addictive!)

I just don't understand why he didn't just leave. I've given him the opportunity many many times. He didn't even use protection with her. I feel sick.

Thank you. I'll give PLL a go. He's in his aunt's sleeping whilst I fall apart