I know what I need to do ... just don't want to.

[heather19771210]

Sorry if this is long.
Background: met H at 15, got married at 25 and now have 4 DC 13, 11, 9 and 6. Am now almost 40.
When 9yo was born there was an incident when at 5mths old he sustained a upper arm fracture when H lifted him from his cot. This obvs. caused a SS investigation which ended in a case conference and H was interviewed under caution by police. It was found dc were not in danger.
3 years later dc4 was born and H admitted to having had a 4 month affair before I became pregnant as he felt his life was changed by SS involvement and that he wanted to ruin his life?!?
We separated for a few months but he continued to come to the home daily and eventually moved back in.
I have had a lot of mental Heath issues stemming from this and have had lots of counselling and psych input.
Last year we had an incident of Him texting a woman from work and I found it when the text was sent to my daughters phone as they shared an iTunes account.
Again I tried to work past this but from his side it was very much 'just get over it or this won't work'.
Last July he said I was pushing him asking what was wrong and he said he wasn't happy and cld see no alternative but to separate. I was upset but agreed but again he came daily and put kids robbed them left and went to stay in a relatives house. He has been living part time her and part time there for a year now. Sometimes he says he is just scared to move in and sometimes he says he just doesn't know what he wants. I had set him a deadline of Sept. go move back in and thought things were going the right way.
We are just back from a week's holiday and I thought we had a good time.
Since we arrived back on Saturday he seems to have totally lost it.
He was snappy with the DC so I asked what was wrong and he said he felt 'cooped up'. I told him to go for a drive and he said thanks and went.
I text him and said I wanted him to be happy and if that meant without me then just be honest. He said he was 'grand' and came back. He then said the kids were annoying him and he got in the car and left. He came back around 1am.
Same sort of thing yesterday.
Says his bubble burst when SS were called and he changed and he can't slow himself to be happy.
This is really starting to affect me. I am stressed to but I have to be here for my DC. I feel myself slipping into the dark depression rabbit hole even tho my meds have been increased again. My heart is breaking. He says he loves me but he can't keep on living like this. I have to keep a poker face for work and DC and I feel lost.
Sorry for the length.

By his affair he has taken enough from you.

Don't let his behaviour take you away from your children. He is simply not worth driving into a wall over!!! He is worth nothing at all!!

Let the other woman have him. Has he admitted to the affair? You'd never be able to trust him again anyway - let him go to her, make him her problem!!!

Hope you get on ok at GP.

Sorry, cross posts.

Great your GP could carry out these tests, that saved you a journey to the GUM clinic.

Heather set up an email address. Give it him and say that's the only contact and it is about seeing the children. Then block him on everything else. 💐

Thank you. I need to do NC for my own sanity. I crave him. Why I don't know he's scum and not worth anything. Dc are reluctant to see him.

This is where the 'be kind to yourself' thing comes in, this bit is close on unbearable so you need to do everything you can to comfort and care for yourself until you start to come out the other side. It's horrendous what you're going through, anyone who's ever been there knows the pain you're in right now but imo (and experience) it's still better than the alternative.

Trying to make it work with someone you can't trust is like slow torture and, while what you're feeling is tortuous, it will be relatively short lived and leave you able to move on and find happiness again. That's got to be better than trying to battle the suspicion and insecurity his betrayal will have caused for months or years until you finally admit defeat.

Are your friends around today? Don't feel bad for leaning on them if so, if I was your friend I would want you to. Please believe that this will get better though, all you can do is grit your teeth and get through these next few horrible days and know that there are better days ahead

Hugs op x

Thank you all. I've had non-stop calls today from my friends and family near and far. I have so much support. I was able to speak to a go between as the 'other woman' is distraught as she thought she had found the love of her life only to find out he was cheating with her.
I think it's helped as he's told her so much personal info about me and I'm so disgusted by him.

I think anything that makes you less likely to let him back in is a good thing right now tbh. Anger carried me through it, I was livid with him and that converted to something of a 'fuck you' attitude fairly quickly. It made me determined to rebuild my life and be happy in spite of him (to spite him if I'm honest) and it worked. The ironic thing is that people like him are never really happy, they constantly think the grass must be greener but it never is, they just seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over. You'll end up pitying him in the end, he will have lost everything and you will have realised you're better off without him. Just hang in there for now, you're doing great

I think you got that right. I don't think he'll ever be happy abdbthe thought of him being happy kills me.

It's going to take a long time for him to sort himself out (in the unlikely event he ever does) to the point where he has a chance of being truly happy. By that time you won't care, trust me.

We had a discussion tonight. He is broken. I'm ashamed of him and it's over. My job is to be strong. If I could sleep it would be a step forward

Just had five hours of sleep I passed out exhausted. I am now angry. Woke up to my six year old son in my bed as he heard me crying in my sleep. My head is so sore but think that's lack of eating and that's ok. Doesn't help I have to shout 1 - 10 over and over in my head to drown out the mind movies of him, tell me it gets better please

It does get better, honestly. I know how horrendously difficult it is right now, and all you can do at the moment is get through the next 10 minutes, then the next and so on.

Your world has been turned upside down and once the shock has worn off, you can start to figure out what you want your new life to be like. You are doing so well, you really are. In the first week after finding out about my H's affair I used to desperately wish I could just be unconscious. Being awake was unbearable. But even a week in, I started to sleep and to eat, which helps everything. I didn't feel amazing (an understatement) but I started to function again. Hang in there. I feel awful for you...someone told me the only thing worse than infidelity was the death of a child which I would have thought was a total overreaction until it happened to me. But having your life feel like a lie has such a devastating effect that. I think someone else suggested www.survivinginfidelity.com ...I got a lot of help from this site also.

It does get better, it is completely shitty at the point where you are at but I'm a year on from that point and I'm happy he's no longer in my life.

THank you all. I am on surviving infidelity already. I have spoken to lots of people today and that has helped. I was low this morning and had suicidal visions but I've talked to people who have been there and processed it. I can't lie I miss him I really do.

Thank you all. I do feel strong (for now anyway). I've had a good chat with a person who has been through this and I realise that I need to focus on my DC and let him rot. He came to ask that we do something together on Friday for DS6 birthday on Friday. I've told him that he can take him to cinema like he wanted and I'll do a birthday tea for me and kids after. He asked if he cld come and I said no and he cried?!?! He also at last collected his binbags from clothes and may have found his wedding shoes I wrote bullshit on and the beautiful leather jacket I bought him years ago that he looks good in and was wearing in the pics I was given as evidence, I hacked pieces out of. I know that was childish but I bought that jacket with love and joy at his delight at it and it sickened me that he wore it with her. He has sent me a few messages none too pleased at finding that when opened the bags.

Pfft. Tough shit DH. Sounds like he feels sorry for himself rather than sorry for what he has done.

He cried he is broken? This is his doing so please look after yourself and your dc how he is feeling is not your concern u have enough on your plate

Thank you I agree. I had friends over tonight and the DC and I have also sat in the lounge and had tea and chatted and it seems a lot more relaxed. Maybe I'm not focused on why H is grumpy or if he's ok. I know as soon as they are in bed I will probably break down but on hour at a time.

Heather I am currently going through a similar situation although not a physical affair. Long story short dh inappropriately texting ow last year gave it another go on the basis he cut all contact found out 4 days ago they are still texting all of which are deleted. So like u I know what I need to do but don't want to. Maybe we could hold each other's hand to get through this. Even if he did delete and block her number which I requested last time I wouldn't believe him and would still be snooping to check up. I know I need to end this but it's so hard x

Alfie, I've been there before and reconciled. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice....... I've given chance after chance and been the perfect wife. I truly believe once a cheater always a cheater and I've been there where it's only inappropriate messages. Bullshit. Trust your instinct, I didn't and now I'm six years from the first confession of an affair and six years older and wasted. Don't waste any more time. We both need to stay strong. They need to hit rock bottom. They're liars and they need to face the consequences. My friends and family abroad are great but it's the dark lonely nights are a killer.
Pm me anytime. We need to support each other x

And Alfie believe me. This is the first time I have been sent hard evidence by a scorned OW. I always thought I wanted to see it but now I can't I see the texts and photos and when I close my eyes I have to count constantly as I can't get the images out of my head. Knowing he's cheated is enough don't torture yourself. It's hard enough for me as she has blocked out her face and identity in all the evidence. It's driving me barmy.

You sound incredible to keep it together and put your DCs and DH first. Maybe you should show yourself the same kindness and understanding and stop the issue that is causing your termoil.

H is away. It's done. I do tend to worry about him and that's something I need to work on in counselling tomorrow. I'm barely keeping it together honestly but I'm reaching out when I feel low and have dark thoughts and doing what I need to when I have bursts of energy. I have beensurviving on coffee water and the odd Diet Coke since Monday morning.

Heather today you need to eat something. Toast, a piece of fruit, an ice lolly, whatever!

But eat something. You are doing amazing and we are all here for you!!