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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's texting someone else but is it too early days to be exclusive?

91 replies

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 20:45

I've recently come out of a long term controlling relationship and have started online dating. The first guy I met we got on really well and have seen each 3/4 times over the past 3 weeks. We get along great, he's asked me if I have told people about him etc. which leads me to believe he wants a relationship?

The last time we met I was fairly drunk and when he left his phone I decided to look at it. I saw he had been messaging another girl - pretty flirty texts - I was pretty drunk so can't remember much of what I quickly saw but I remember seeing the word 'naked' and something like cuddling on the sofa. I know I shouldn't have looked and the fact I did reflects badly on me. In one way I think we are such early days and haven't had 'the talk' so am I being completely over sensitive? Another part of me is just not happy when he seemed to be giving all positive signs to a relationship. I couldn't imagine myself messaging someone else in that way at this stage and feeling ok about it.

I am new to this online dating scene so maybe I'm just not sure how these things work these days? By the way we are both 40s

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 16/07/2017 20:47

Why on earth are you checking his phone after 3 weeks of dating?!

Original poster

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 20:48

Yep you're totally right and I'm kicking myself for doing it. It reflects very badly on me and I wish I hadn't.

OP posts:

Asparaguswee · 16/07/2017 20:49

Yeah, you've fucked up! Hes not your boyfriend!! Until you've had 'the' conversation where you BOTH agree not to see other people he can text who he likes.
Why are you putting all your eggs in his basket?! Date, meet other guys, get to know what YOU want.

ijustwannadance · 16/07/2017 20:51

If he is texting others he just isn't that into you.
Find someone better. You have only recently come out of a long, shit relationship but you seem overly desperate to be in another relationship that you are kind of clinging to the first one you have met!

DearMrDilkington · 16/07/2017 20:52

You really don't sound ready for dating. I'd stop it for a while and concentrate on yourself.

Original poster

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 20:55

I think that's a good point about me not being ready. I was never a 'phone checker' but when something was really off with my previous partner of 10 years - I checked his phone and found details of an affair. Maybe it's stuck in my head more than I thought.

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 16/07/2017 20:55

You can't "unlook" at those texts so you may as well use what you know OP.

Do you want to carry on seeing him and have the exclusively chat or do you feel that he's not that into you now that you know he's being flirty with others?

Girlywurly · 16/07/2017 20:55

If he's not hooked after 3/4 dates, he's unlikely to become so. I'd get rid. If he's texting someone else, it means he's not into you.

What’s the rush to get back into a relationship?

Girlywurly · 16/07/2017 20:57

Ps. You know that it was completely out of order to check his phone, right? That's pretty crazy behaviour!

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/07/2017 20:57

He's not that into you. He's not done anything wrong but he wouldn't be texting another woman if he was that keen. Get rid.

Original poster

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 21:12

Yep I think he is just not that into me or maybe just looks for lots of girls to sleep with. Feel like an idiot for looking on his phone in the first place but yes I can't unsee those messages so probably could not really trust him.

OP posts:

thestamp · 16/07/2017 21:16

I texted loads of men during the early days with my now partner. I was dating others until around 6 months after we met!

He's done nothing wrong, and wanting instant monogamy isn't something everyone is wired for. I'm certainly not wired that way and I'm a decent person!

I mean if it bothers you, it bothers you, end it. Ime though, men who instantly want commitment, without even having "the talk", are usually the types who end up being controlling and/or annoying without lives of their own.

Original poster

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 21:31

Thanks for your response thestamp. I see what you mean too. In one way I just wish I'd never actually seen it - seeing as I myself was out on a date with someone else just a week or so ago. Maybe in my head once we'd slept together it changed for me. It doesn't sit right with me I'll have to see how I feel about it.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 16/07/2017 21:33

don't be too hard on yourself for looking.. his phone wasn't locked.. he wasn't hiding it...

BeepBeepMOVE · 16/07/2017 21:35

You are spying on his phone messages after 3 or 4 dates?!

Huge red flag for the poor guy!!! You are clearly not ready to date anyone. Please get yourself some help before dragging other people into your life!

annielouise · 16/07/2017 21:36

I feel sorry for the younger generation. In my day if someone asked you out for a drink more than once neither expected the other to be seeing others. This "exclusive" talk didn't exist. Probably people did see a couple of others initially but quickly made their minds up or you wouldn't see them again. None of this hanging on for six months to see what he wanted. I wouldn't have hung around that long. He should know after seeing you a few times if he wants to continue, surely? If it doesn't work out then you split and meet someone else.

SuperBeagle · 16/07/2017 21:36

It's a horrible invasion of privacy to look at someone's phone. Don't even get me started on the fact that you've only been seeing this bloke for 3 weeks.

It's not a "relationship" or "exclusive" until that's agreed upon by both of you.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship at the moment, honestly. You clearly have trust issues, and what he's doing is normal in the early stages of seeing someone/online dating.

Original poster

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 21:50

Thanks for all your replies. Yes lots for me to think about. I was definitely in the wrong. Like you say no he wasn't doing anything wrong but the fact I've seen it and clearly already have trust issues probably won't give us a good start anyway. It's an awful thing I have done and feel really awful about it :(

OP posts:

thestamp · 16/07/2017 21:54

Annie I hear what you're saying. But tbh I actually think the "old" way of doing things is bad for the way humans are wired. We tend to jump in too quickly with people to whom we're attracted, we let things get too serious too fast, overlook red flags and focus too quickly on one person rather than maintaining some distance for a while so that we can get a more dispassionate view of new connections.

To assume non exclusivity until a "chat" is had at least builds in some time to think things through and use the head as well as the heart/genitals...

Jmo... I did the "we are instantly a couple" thing with my ex... Terrible relationship in the end. We were attracted to each other from the get go, we're an item instantly... And it took us nearly a decade to snap out of it and realise we were entirely incompatible

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 21:57

I agree with annie. This idea that you can go out with someone but still date other guys just in case someone better turns up, all that for 6 months makes me very uneasy.

God we agreed to get married after a year together and we were married after 18months...

OP I think that looking athe texts wasn't probably not great BUT now you know who is in front of you.
And either he isn't into you. OR he thinks it's ok to carry on seeing people 'just in case'/edging his bets/checking that the grass isn't greener somewhere else/is nowhere near ready to commit.

Have a think if this is something you are happy with and get rid

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 21:59

Well I would hate to see someone and know they might be shagging someone else at the same time but actually they might not. Who knows.

People aren't cars that you can test drive all at the same time.

And I doubt that you can spot if someone is abusive by keeping some distance for a while. Theynwill just wait a bit longer to show their true colour.

annielouise · 16/07/2017 22:01

Thing is thestamp you don't have to jump in fast at all. You see them as much as you/they want and carry on with your life the rest of the time. You just don't have all the angst about him seeing other people as so many posters do now on MN. We all need to feel special. If it's not going to work out then you know a couple of weeks in anyway so you part ways and meet someone else. If you're falling for someone that quick you're overlooking red flags you've got issues you need to work on. But at the same time this way you don't feel you're competing with someone else, you're not reading messages that he's still on an OLD site feeling insecure, you're not constantly second guessing what he's up to. It doesn't have to be we're instantly a couple. You're just going out. If it works out great, if it doesn't it's not the end of the world. But at least for those few weeks why shouldn't you be the only one?

RhubardGin · 16/07/2017 22:04

If a guy I was dating for 3 weeks read my text messages whilst I was in the bathroom I would call him a fucking psycho and run for the hills!

What were you thinking?

It's been 3 weeks, he can do what he likes, there isn't any commitment. What you did on the other hand was awful.

scottishdiem · 16/07/2017 22:09

DP and I texted and dated other people for about the first two months of our "relationship". We even slept with other people before deciding that we preferred what we had together. But I dont think we would have done it for much longer if the feelings werent there. This six months or more thing is very confusing.

How people are ready to commit to each other after three weeks is very confusing and bordering on some throwback to arranged marriages.

RhubardGin · 16/07/2017 22:16

I can't believe some posters are actually condoning OP's behaviour.

If a man did this it would be an early sign of "controlling and abusive behaviour" and the woman would get told to never see him again.

But it's ok for a woman to do this?

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