He's texting someone else but is it too early days to be exclusive?

[itstheblueone]

I've recently come out of a long term controlling relationship and have started online dating. The first guy I met we got on really well and have seen each 3/4 times over the past 3 weeks. We get along great, he's asked me if I have told people about him etc. which leads me to believe he wants a relationship?

The last time we met I was fairly drunk and when he left his phone I decided to look at it. I saw he had been messaging another girl - pretty flirty texts - I was pretty drunk so can't remember much of what I quickly saw but I remember seeing the word 'naked' and something like cuddling on the sofa. I know I shouldn't have looked and the fact I did reflects badly on me. In one way I think we are such early days and haven't had 'the talk' so am I being completely over sensitive? Another part of me is just not happy when he seemed to be giving all positive signs to a relationship. I couldn't imagine myself messaging someone else in that way at this stage and feeling ok about it.

I am new to this online dating scene so maybe I'm just not sure how these things work these days? By the way we are both 40s

@Girlywurly

Just get rid, OP. He shouldn't be thinking about anyone's naked body but yours!

If this is what he's like after two weeks, what's he going to be like after two years?!

As a rule, men's behaviour never improves, only deteriorates...

If a friend told me she'd discovered that a guy she'd been on three dates with had been going through her phone I'd be telling her to 'get rid' and sharpish. Alarm bells a go-go.

@Jackthementalkitten

Zombie thread from 2017…..

As I see, but I think it is still worth a discussion as it's pertinent to many posts. Love your user name. I had a kitten called Jack. He's now 15 and still mental!

Doh, I fell for a zombie thread.

As soon as we met the 1st time 2 months after talking to each other nearly every day (we lived in different countries), we agreed to be exclusive to each other and left the dating site.

@crimsonlake

Why the rush to jump in to another relationship?

A desire to love and to be loved.

There is nothing wrong with it.

Aware this is a zombie thread but @Lana07 if a person feels entitled to look at someone's messages when they've only been on 3/4 dates, that person isn't ready for a healthy relationship in which they can love and be loved. It's unhealthy, boundary crossing behaviour.

I texted loads of men during the early days with my now partner. I was dating others until around 6 months after we met!

That's not normal though, is it?

I don't blame you for looking Op, especially given your history. I uncovered an affair between my Exh and best friend by checking his phone - it was the only way to get concrete proof. We divorced and I met someone new a while later, who I am now happily married to. I checked his phone in the early days, as I was so damaged by the previous betrayal.

I also feel sorry for the younger generation. Back in the 80's, if you were dating and sleeping together, there is no way it was acceptable to be seeing others, and certainly not a few months in! I'm not sure why it now seems acceptable to be playing several people at once? I think it's the revolving sweetie shop that is On Line dating. I wish women wouldn't stand for it. If you are 4 dates in and having sex, he should be so blown away by you, that he isn't texting other women about being naked on their sofa.

This is an old thread.

Set your own boundaries. This would be totally unacceptable for me and if you want to be with a trustworthy guy then it can be unacceptable to you. However. Please don't check mena phones after 3 dates that is super creepy

I did the whole dating around. Multiple people around the same time period. And they did the same. Eventually you realise you're cheating yourself and them out of real 'getting to know'. And you waste so much time and other peoples time. When you know, you know. At the very least you know whether you're seriously interested in someone enough to concentrate on them until the next date, and the next and so on. Multi dating is a bet hedging system that is fine as a strategy for not getting your heart broken but it doesn't make a nice story. Well I was shagging a and b but grandad came along (c) but I kept shagging a and b till we talked exclusivity. Its not for everyone. You know you shouldn't have checked but nobody has to do the multi dating thing and if its not for you. Its not for you. Stick to your personal preferences. Nobody else is sleeping with this person, spending time and energy on them, noone else's opinion on whether its ok matters more than your own

Gah zombie thread!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Aware this is a zombie thread but *@Lana07* if a person feels entitled to look at someone's messages when they've only been on 3/4 dates, that person isn't ready for a healthy relationship in which they can love and be loved. It's unhealthy, boundary crossing behaviour.

I think many women would look if they had a chance out of curiosity.

My husband always had a password. When we got married he wanted to tell me his phone password because he had/has nothing to hide from me and I don't have anything to hide from him.

I think many women would look if they had a chance out of curiosity.

'Many people' would do lots of things that are unhealthy and a sign their relationship isn't going to be a happy, healthy one. It doesn't mean those people are ready for a relationship.

Well hopefully sh s a little more clear about whether it’s a relationship or not - seeing as four and a half years have gone by!!

I wonder what happened??

I did OLD very quickly after seoerating from my husband. Initially it was such a boost to have the excitement of connecting and going on dates. But with hindsight I realise I was not ready. I had it dealt with any of the stuff from my marriage. I was trying to kid myself and distract myself and basically avoid the inevitable.

*hadn’t dealt with