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Original poster

He's texting someone else but is it too early days to be exclusive?

91 replies

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 20:45

I've recently come out of a long term controlling relationship and have started online dating. The first guy I met we got on really well and have seen each 3/4 times over the past 3 weeks. We get along great, he's asked me if I have told people about him etc. which leads me to believe he wants a relationship?

The last time we met I was fairly drunk and when he left his phone I decided to look at it. I saw he had been messaging another girl - pretty flirty texts - I was pretty drunk so can't remember much of what I quickly saw but I remember seeing the word 'naked' and something like cuddling on the sofa. I know I shouldn't have looked and the fact I did reflects badly on me. In one way I think we are such early days and haven't had 'the talk' so am I being completely over sensitive? Another part of me is just not happy when he seemed to be giving all positive signs to a relationship. I couldn't imagine myself messaging someone else in that way at this stage and feeling ok about it.

I am new to this online dating scene so maybe I'm just not sure how these things work these days? By the way we are both 40s

OP posts:
demirose87 · 17/07/2017 11:57

OP, I agree you shouldn't have looked at his phone, but there must have been some intuition that something was amiss for you to do that. And it's made you aware of what he's doing, so don't beat yourself up about it, see it as a positive. You now have the upper hand and can decide what to do next. To the PP that said sex doesn't mean exclusivity, it depends on the individual. If it's just sex from the start and both partners are aware, then it's fine. But when one partner is assuming its the start of a relationship, then that makes it wrong. Someone is at risk of being hurt, and thats not to mention STIs.

Adora10 · 17/07/2017 11:59

I have too much self worth to carry on with a man that is shagging about; don't care if the exclusive chat has not taken place; no, you shouldn't have looked at his phone but you looked once and found a sexy text about nakedness to another woman, so no doubt there's loads more; I'd end it myself, I don't want to be sharing my body parts with or his with other women.

Girlywurly · 17/07/2017 15:08

Just get rid, OP. He shouldn't be thinking about anyone's naked body but yours!

If this is what he's like after two weeks, what's he going to be like after two years?!

As a rule, men's behaviour never improves, only deteriorates...

SherlockStones · 17/07/2017 15:16

They aren't exclusive so why should he hedge his bets?

I see plenty of posters doing the same in the online dating thread, he has done no wrong. The OP in the other hand...

Adora10 · 17/07/2017 15:17

Never said he has done anything wrong, I'd just not share my punjani and any other body parts with a man that was sowing his seeds.

demirose87 · 17/07/2017 15:57

If he wants to try out a few different women, fair enough but he should have made that clear to OP because she thought he wanted a relationship. This type of dating where we sleep around is not for everyone.

Original poster
itstheblueone · 17/07/2017 19:15

It's really interesting to hear all the different view points. Thank you. I can't undo what I've done so I just have to figure out how I feel about what I know now. We do get along great and laugh a lot so I'll give it some time but certainly not expecting it to be anymore than dating at the moment. I think I've let my experience of my cheating hubby twist my brain on this.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 18/07/2017 01:19

Girly you are being disingenuous just referring to it as dating. When in fact it is multi dating. Horrible American import

annielouise i agree with you too. Although i wouldnt have nosed at his phone ............i wouldnt be in the situation because if i was single i would not be using dating sites.

HelenaDove · 18/07/2017 01:23

Ah Sorry Girly i misunderstood You were agreeing.

anxiousnow · 18/07/2017 01:32

When are you seeing him next op? Maybe you can have a conversation about whether you are both seeing other people? I agree it was wrong to look at his phone but was it a lot of messages to the other woman? We're they more intense than yours and his? It is ok to be honest and explain to him you are in early days out of a hurtful relationship and not up to the world of new dating rules

Original poster
itstheblueone · 19/07/2017 08:18

I did see him again recently and we had a great time. He said he'd told his family about me and wondered if I'd done the same. I honestly don't know what the content of the messages were but they were certainly flirty. I mostly wish I hadn't looked and am struggling to clear my conscience of it. I wonder if I should just come clean about it?

OP posts:
demirose87 · 19/07/2017 09:11

I would come clean. Are you not bothered he's chatting to and probably shagging someone else? If you don't, you will always wonder who she is..

Original poster
itstheblueone · 19/07/2017 15:38

Thanks yes I've decided I need to be honest and open up to this. I'll let you know how I get on but I'm guessing this will be the end one way or another. Either he can't accept what I've done or I don't like his explanation.

OP posts:
misit · 19/07/2017 15:49

Can't you just ask him if he's seeing other women, if he says he isn't, you know he's a liar anyway. I wouldn't mention the phone.

Original poster
itstheblueone · 19/07/2017 20:03

Thanks misfit. I don't know if he is seeing someone else or messaging someone so I think it's best if I'm honest.

OP posts:
annielouise · 19/07/2017 20:53

Would you be happy with either? I wouldn't. He's either in or he's out in my book. If he's seeing you, even without you both explicitly saying "let's be exclusive" then in my view he shouldn't be seeing someone else.

Rather than stating you're exclusive and the default is you aren't until that's said, I think the default should be "I don't want to be tied down and I'm seeing other people and I think you should if you want". That's how it used to be and was far better. I think there needs to be a backlash about this "exclusivity" talk as it's bollocks.

Kayle03 · 23/11/2021 03:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Joystir59 · 23/11/2021 03:57

From the sound of things you need to step back from dating and focus on yourself. You mention that you've recently come out of an abusive relationship- how recently?

CobraChicken · 23/11/2021 05:04

@Joystir59

From the sound of things you need to step back from dating and focus on yourself. You mention that you've recently come out of an abusive relationship- how recently?
Not very recently since she posted in 2017 Grin
RantyAunty · 23/11/2021 05:07

I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself.
You looked. You acknowledged it wasn't right and you feel bad about it and aren't going to do it again. That plenty right there.

Maybe you should keep dating other guys lightly to take the pressure off. The right one will be really obvious to you both.

Jackthementalkitten · 03/12/2021 23:21

Zombie thread from 2017…..

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/12/2021 23:58

@annielouise

I feel sorry for the younger generation. In my day if someone asked you out for a drink more than once neither expected the other to be seeing others. This "exclusive" talk didn't exist. Probably people did see a couple of others initially but quickly made their minds up or you wouldn't see them again. None of this hanging on for six months to see what he wanted. I wouldn't have hung around that long. He should know after seeing you a few times if he wants to continue, surely? If it doesn't work out then you split and meet someone else.
And it's been complicated by sleeping with him when it's only at the dating stage, too.
Mom2K · 04/12/2021 14:10

It is completely mind boggling to me that most people these days think that multidating is fine and nothing wrong with it until a chat about being exclusive is had. I think if you've taken an interest in someone you continue getting to know that one person and see where it goes. Doing that with more than one person surely would either lead to confusion or an inability to choose/commit.

Personally I don't care if that's more of the norm now - if I saw that I'd get rid especially if we'd seen each other a few times, that should be indication enough that you both wanted to explore getting to know one another enough to see if it would lead to a deeper relationship. This whole need for a 'conversation' in order to just date one person at a time is ridiculous.

YungWaffle · 04/12/2021 14:33

With online dating, seeing multiple people is sort of the norm. In the last, you might have had some prior connection so the dates would come after a period of getting to know a person in a casual setting.
You're not going to want to continue dating everyone you meet via an app or website, in the same way you won't want to make friends with everyone you have a causal conversation with.
With this situation being the norm, a pipeline of potential partners is pragmatic, not a sign of not taking any of them seriously .
However, if someone I had been on 3 or 4 dates with thought they had the right to check my phone, I would take that as a giant, bright red flag.
I think you have some issues to work out before you start dating seriously.

crimsonlake · 04/12/2021 14:44

Why the rush to jump in to another relationship?

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