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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's texting someone else but is it too early days to be exclusive?

91 replies

itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 20:45

I've recently come out of a long term controlling relationship and have started online dating. The first guy I met we got on really well and have seen each 3/4 times over the past 3 weeks. We get along great, he's asked me if I have told people about him etc. which leads me to believe he wants a relationship?

The last time we met I was fairly drunk and when he left his phone I decided to look at it. I saw he had been messaging another girl - pretty flirty texts - I was pretty drunk so can't remember much of what I quickly saw but I remember seeing the word 'naked' and something like cuddling on the sofa. I know I shouldn't have looked and the fact I did reflects badly on me. In one way I think we are such early days and haven't had 'the talk' so am I being completely over sensitive? Another part of me is just not happy when he seemed to be giving all positive signs to a relationship. I couldn't imagine myself messaging someone else in that way at this stage and feeling ok about it.

I am new to this online dating scene so maybe I'm just not sure how these things work these days? By the way we are both 40s

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 16/07/2017 22:24

You aren't ready to date and need to really work on yourself. Checking the phone of a guy you hardly know is all kinds of fucked up. I also think that if he's texting other women and possibly sleeping with them by the sounds of the texts then he's not that into you and is probably a bit of a player

MistressDeeCee · 16/07/2017 22:35

I never understand why when people have seen an OP being berated about something, they STILL jump in and go on about the same thing. Yes she looked at his phone has said she feels bad and has apologised. What more?!Hmm . OP well at least you know now and can move on. Shagging him or others for 6 months whilst you decide if he's "the one" isn't for everybody. I know I wouldn't have time nor inclination for several men on the go at once. Maybe take some time out for yourself. Look after and pamper yourself, re-visit hobbies friends etc. Think about dating again in a few months. Its nicer when you feel happier in yourself

AdalindSchade · 16/07/2017 22:40

Who has condoned her behaviour?!

Original poster
itstheblueone · 16/07/2017 23:14

Thanks everyone for your messages. Plenty of valid points. We actually just met 2.5 weeks ago so I know I've been a bit quick to assume it would be more at this stage. I do like this guy and can't undo what I've done which I totally regret. I'm going to take a step back and try to enjoy dating which is what it should be at this stage. If he'd checked my phone he would have found similar recent messages but I stopped once we slept together. Everything happens for a reason and I'm going to use the experience to work on myself and make sure I don't act so shamefully again.

OP posts:
BubblingUp · 17/07/2017 01:02

You say you can't trust him when he has done nothing wrong. The reality is he can't trust you and you have absolutely done something wrong. He just doesn't know he can't trust you yet. Let him go. Don't explain. Just let him go.

NotTheCoolMum · 17/07/2017 01:38

OP you mentioned you feel differently since you slept together. That is a completely normal way to feel and useful to know in future so you can set the pace of future relationships to suit you, and make sure the trust and exclusivity is there prior to sleeping together if that is what YOU want.

I have actually no idea why taking it slowly is frowned upon by so many, for me it was the obvious choice after too many bad experiences. I had to endure judgmental comments from even DM fgs! It is 2017 fgs, I can choose to sleep with whoever I want whenever I want.

TheNaze73 · 17/07/2017 07:43

I think you're looking for your own drama here.

Sex doesn't mean exclusive. I think you need to talk to him at some stage about your insecurities however, most people would run a mile with "the chat" after 2.5 months, let alone weeks.

Look no further ahead than your next date & enjoy it, why are you in such a rush to get back into a relationship?

Dating really is the best bit Smile

lanouvelleheloise · 17/07/2017 07:48

I think there is an assumption, by many people, that there is one relationship narrative: a period of dating, followed by "going exclusive", followed by ramped up commitment.

However, like most abstractions, it's just a convenient story -the complexities of real life relationships are so varied that there can never be a 'one size fits all' narrative.

If you are in a place where you want to date just one person from the start of a relationship, then I think that's absolutely fine. People may not expect it, and you might narrow your field of people by asking it, but there will be others who feel the same. You just need to be upfront about this from the start. The world of online dating is just horrible, and there are plenty of men, as well as women, who want to focus on one person at at time.

Kr1stina · 17/07/2017 08:20

OP you mentioned you feel differently since you slept together. That is a completely normal way to feel and useful to know in future so you can set the pace of future relationships to suit you, and make sure the trust and exclusivity is there prior to sleeping together if that is what YOU want

This is very good advice .

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 17/07/2017 08:46

It's all too easy to go from being on the receiving end in a controlling relationship to being the one who is dishing out the treatment next time around.

2.5 weeks is no time at all - if you can't enjoy it for what it is at the moment, take a step back and wait a while before getting into the dating scene, or set your boundaries from the start and don't have sex with the bloke until you know where you stand.

demirose87 · 17/07/2017 08:54

I would be put off to be honest. If there's someone else he's interested in, I wouldn't be taking it any further, getting invested in him. I think if you were both texting/ meeting other people and were both upfront and honest, that's one thing, but he has mis led you a bit. It just wouldn't feel right for me to date a guy and have sex who was possibly seeing and having sex with others.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2017 09:03

I'm old fashioned too, I just don't understand the concepts of exclusive and 'the chat'. If a guy asked me out for the Friday and I found out he'd been out with Sheila on the Tuesday I'd cancel our date. If we snogged on the first date then he dated anyone else I'd consider him a two timing bastard.

I'm not ancient, I'm 46.

stitchglitched · 17/07/2017 09:09

It would put me off too. In the early stages of dating I want someone who is really into me, thinking about me, can't wait to see me. Not someone who is also seeing or messaging others. I do think online dating makes it more likely that people will 'keep their options open' though, as all these other people are there at your fingertips and the messaging etc can get quite addictive. (Not condoning you checking his phone btw).

Girlywurly · 17/07/2017 09:25

Excellent post, lanouvelleheloise.

Both of my long term relationships have been exclusive from the start. There was no cringe-inducing 'chat' required.

Even in casual sex-based relationships I've had, exclusivity has been assumed.

I find relationships much more satisfying when I can give the object of my desire my full attention. I don't understand the need to be sampling alternative options - if I wasn't totally, massively impressed by my partner then I wouldn't be with him. Would rather just be on my own, frankly.

And I don't need to be comparing a man to other guys in real time to recognise abusive behaviour when it rears it's ugly head. It's not relative.

Girlywurly · 17/07/2017 09:26

Ps. I'm 34, if that's relevant.

cottagecheesequeen · 17/07/2017 09:29

You need some time as a singleton.

Checking someone else's phone at any stage in a relationship wrong.

Is this standard behaviour for you? Now might be the time to address it.

Original poster
itstheblueone · 17/07/2017 10:13

Thanks all for your replies. It's not standard behaviour for me which is why I'm so angry at myself for doing it in the first place. I was with my previous partner for over ten years and on the tenth year I did check his phone and found details of an affair. By that point I was pretty certain of what was going on anyway. I'm feeling clearer about things this morning and will take my lesson from all of this. Take a step back and enjoy dating him for the moment 😁 thank you all

OP posts:
Hunted68 · 17/07/2017 10:27

Be careful though because finding this will have opened up your fears that every man is like this so with the next one, will you be able to relax?

Postagestamppat · 17/07/2017 10:27

Sex doesn't mean exclusive!!!!

I am clearly from a different generation. MorrisZapp summed very well how I would feel about seeing someone new. I can't even bring myself to say "dating". It's like a new world. BTW I am 42.

OP forget him. Don't wait to see if he decides that he prefers you after a few weeks. Sod that.

Girlywurly · 17/07/2017 11:11

I can't even bring myself to say "dating".

Yes, it's so American, isn't it?

I prefer the time-honoured British way: spend months acting all awkward around your love interest and pretending that you don't fancy them in the slightest... then one day, you just happen to both be very, very drunk... you shag each other brains out, and the next day you're in a relationship. Simple.

JigglyTuff · 17/07/2017 11:19

I'm also with MorrisZapp. When you say 'dating' lots of different people for 6 months TheStamp do you mean you were sleeping with them all?

I'm not remotely disapproving but I just can't imagine even going out for dinner/drinks/to the theatre with 3 or 4 different blokes a week

It sounds exhausting and like a really long drawn out pick me dance

annielouise · 17/07/2017 11:50

I'm glad it's not just me that feels this. This exclusive chat thing came over from America so is "relatively" new here. I don't think it always existed their either. It doesn't seem to work as so many posts about it.

Love Girlywurly's view on the British getting together. About sums it up. Not once when I was dating did I ever think the man was seeing someone else at the same time they were so keen, as it should be. That's not saying they were over the top but they focused on me as I did then. Some lasted a few weeks as you knew it wouldn't work but you then both went off and met someone else - usually the pub or club as no OLD then.

annielouise · 17/07/2017 11:52

MorrisZapp's summing up says it all for me - if we'd snogged I'd have assumed it was leading somewhere so if I'd heard about Sheila on Tuesday the next date would have been cancelled. It's two-timing. I'd hate the current set-up. Causes all sorts of problems and you have to act eternally cool and ok with it.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2017 11:52

Girlywurly spot on :)

Gah81 · 17/07/2017 11:56

Swimming against the tide here on the point PPs have made: IMO just because he's texting other girls early on, doesn't necessarily mean he's not pretty into you. Especially after only 3 weeks.

Until I am exclusive with a guy (even one I really like) then I continue to date/text other boys. Also so that I keep it light with the guy I do like (if there's someone I am particularly into) and as a tangible reminder that there are other nice men out there.

A few of my male and female friends have said they do the same.

I also think that it's too early to worry about his texting others: you're not exclusive yet! As for checking his phone - how would you like it if he did that to you?! 😊😊