DH: Star in the workplace, selfish at home

[lingoludo]

Feeling a little upset/confused by DH's behaviour and wondered if there were any psychologywise types who may know what on earth is going on with my DH? I'm starting to worry that his behaviour is all my fault.
DH is in a managerial position at work and is thought of extremely highly by co-workers and seniors alike.
On first dating DH and on meeting some of his colleagues, they made jokes about me taking good care of him and gave me lots of congratulations for landing such a fab bloke.
Years down the line, with DCs, I see DH in a much different light than when we had first met. He needs constant reminders and direction at home, wouldn't take on any share of the domestic chores at all without me asking, is completely self centred with his time, making himself unavailable regularly due to hobbies and socialising. It has knocked me greatly. I must be a terrible person for a "great bloke" to behave like this in our home surely?
Anyway, I'd told myself that the exhaustion of DCS etc had changed DH and maybe he was struggling juggling work and home.
That was until I was invited to an open day at his work place and wow. I could not believe the man I've come to know at home. I found him hugely atractive and desirable watching him at work as opposed to the non productive, selfish behaviour I see at home. He completely led the whole day, organised everything and everyone, was completely stuck in. He was utterly amazing. I saw him in a whole new light. What has happened to DH? Is it my fault that he is able to take control, use his initiative and be organised in the workplace and behaves like a teenager at home? Leaving mess everywhere, ignoring his share of the chores? Leaving the childcare to me whilst he goes off on his solo ventures? What is going on here? It's really knocked the way I feel about myself and obviously, my relationship. His colleagues think so highly of him, I quite frankly, don't. Is it me? Have I driven him to behave like a child at home? I deserve better than this, surely?

Oh and like you I also worked and did 100% of cleaning, cooking, shopping, childcare, paying bills, looking basically after everything else in life. All he ever did was work and spend time doing what he wanted sports, going out, doing things for others and for charity to make himself look good! Before it sounds like I'm a bitch btw about the charity thing behind closed doors he never gave anything to charity as there was no one there to see him being charitable and he did things for other people that he would refuse to do at home for our family!

Thanks for your honesty bossy. Actually really appreciate an explanation from the other side. Well done for doing the right thing and ending it. I perhaps do not appreciate the good things DH does do enough; it's easy to get swept up in what is missing and not see what is already there. But, if he's unhappy I would so prefer for him to say so and end things, rather than continuing the rigmarole of constant rejection and disengagement.

Mind, lingo, I don't know if that's how your husband feels. It was true for me but might not be for him (and even if it is, as PP have said it's still unacceptable behaviour on his part). I was definitely being quite shitty before I finally found the courage to end it all.

Having said that, a lot of people are just really crap at facing up to what's actually wrong and prefer to simply ignore. It's not the mature thing to do, but it's quite common, I'm afraid.

Sounds like he's putting all his energy into work and leaving nothing left to support things at home, suggest he uses his enegery in a more balanced way between home and work.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?

It's not your fault he is like this and you did not make him this way. His own family of origin behave likely the same; look at his parents OP.

I would concur with the comments saying that he is abusive and you do need to plan your exit from this relationship. All this individual cares about is his own self and looking good to those in the outside world. Abusive men too can be most plausible to outsiders as well. He treats you with utter contempt; he only wants you around to do what he sees as scut work so that he does not have to do it.

The good things that he does is for other people and not you his wife; its all show and image to him. That is what matters to him here, not you or any children who are unfortunate enough to be witnessing as well.

He wants to ignore any problems (so he can continue selfishly doing what he likes).

You cannot hold a relationship together by yourself. If he won't engage with you except on his terms, or to play games in the case of the counselling, then the relationship isn't real; it's just one more thing that's just for show.

Just want to add we also tried couples counselling and it was pointless for us. We were both referred to psychologists for individual counselling via our GPs and that was much more helpful. I had to do something drastic as the catalyst for change, namely getting him to move out.

Don't doubt your sanity..you are just seeing a man who values himself, his sport, hobbies more than you and your DC (?). You cant make him make you a priority. There are many people like this ... not good marriage material. My OH is v. similar...if he cooks or does housework he expects a eulogy. He once refused to help me when I had a flat tyre but made a round trip of 150 miles the next week to pick up a costume for a friend's film. I accept he is a lazy checked out twat ... just make sure he doesn't extend his disdain to our DC. Why am I still with him? Kids ..and divorce would be just more life admin for me.

Meg: I think finding the energy for divorce or separation is massively under-estimated. There was a thread on here at one time for people unhappy in their relationships but not wanting to leave, it was very good. For me to leave, I would have to return to work full time on top of DCS, divorce admin etc, it would be a complete mental drain which would no doubt lead to more problems. I competely understand why you choose to stay.

My ex h was so similar to your and pp's experiences. He was very capable at work and very high powered, but a tosser at home. His job was so much more important than mine because he earned do much more and worked longer hours (ie stayed in the pub 'networking '). If anyone came to dinner, it was like the switch was flipped and he'd go from doing nothing and ignoring dd to being THE BEST dad, husband and host ever. I thought I was going mental.

Fine, he wants to reset the relationship? Then reset it totally to what it should be, not what its been.

You both get 50% of the housework responsibility and free time to yourselves from now on. Tell him to go and work out a schedule for that that works, and then start doing it. You wont be doing all the home organisation any more since youve seen at his work event just how capable he is of organising things without needing your input.

The people coming to dinner, the house scenario here too - he changes and becomes the best host and extends this to criticising me for any perceived shortfall, normally after I have spent hours preparing, tidying, cooking.

My XH only ever did the washing up when there were people round. Which went to show me that he knew he was supposed to do it, but only chose to do it when people could see, and was a nail in the coffin of our marriage. Who wants to be with a man who knows he ought to help around the house but decides not to?