DH: Star in the workplace, selfish at home

[lingoludo]

Feeling a little upset/confused by DH's behaviour and wondered if there were any psychologywise types who may know what on earth is going on with my DH? I'm starting to worry that his behaviour is all my fault.
DH is in a managerial position at work and is thought of extremely highly by co-workers and seniors alike.
On first dating DH and on meeting some of his colleagues, they made jokes about me taking good care of him and gave me lots of congratulations for landing such a fab bloke.
Years down the line, with DCs, I see DH in a much different light than when we had first met. He needs constant reminders and direction at home, wouldn't take on any share of the domestic chores at all without me asking, is completely self centred with his time, making himself unavailable regularly due to hobbies and socialising. It has knocked me greatly. I must be a terrible person for a "great bloke" to behave like this in our home surely?
Anyway, I'd told myself that the exhaustion of DCS etc had changed DH and maybe he was struggling juggling work and home.
That was until I was invited to an open day at his work place and wow. I could not believe the man I've come to know at home. I found him hugely atractive and desirable watching him at work as opposed to the non productive, selfish behaviour I see at home. He completely led the whole day, organised everything and everyone, was completely stuck in. He was utterly amazing. I saw him in a whole new light. What has happened to DH? Is it my fault that he is able to take control, use his initiative and be organised in the workplace and behaves like a teenager at home? Leaving mess everywhere, ignoring his share of the chores? Leaving the childcare to me whilst he goes off on his solo ventures? What is going on here? It's really knocked the way I feel about myself and obviously, my relationship. His colleagues think so highly of him, I quite frankly, don't. Is it me? Have I driven him to behave like a child at home? I deserve better than this, surely?

Note that it was the ^husband^ who started out saying that OP was nasty and constantly nagging, to explain why he wasn't sympathetic with her after a death.

So she has to beg for sympathy, and is told she's too crap to deserve sympathy. And now she feels like any problems must be because of her being so crap.

That's the view I get from this view point.

ravenmum is right I think OP.

Lingo I spun myself inside out trying to wrap my head around the Jekyll/Hyde character that is ExDH.

One of the reasons i was initially interested in him was because he seemed outwardly very popular and charismatic. However I have come to understand over the years that its all surface-level stuff with him. No depth, no empathy beyond the tired cliches.

Please don't repeat my daftness - you are absolutely entitled to ask for his contribution in the home - you are absolutely entitled to expect a more engaged and supportive partner. You are NOT asking for too much.

If he wont change, knowing full well how much it distresses you or the family, then hes not your partner. He's all about show and how things reflect back on him. I'm not saying adjustments need to be one-sided by any stretch, however it appears you have already done your bit.

I likened my relationship to an emotional bank account. I was all about the deposits and he was all about the withdrawals ('loves' his kids though ...... hmmmm)

I'm ok with being single - i don't fear the unknown as much anymore. Why? Because I trust myself to cope, to make the adjustments or changes necessary when needed.

Sorry - this probably sounded preachy - not my intention. I just hope you can recognise my experience and find something in it that might help you?

The emotional bank account metaphor has really resonated. It's one thing doing something because you're asked to and another to join in the planning and organising of the household. Taking on some of the mental load is a deposit, whilst waiting to be asked and seeming resentful for it is a withdrawal. It's a good analogy.

My STBXH behaved exactly like this. He magically sorted himself out when I petitioned, by then it was all too late.

I've had to come to terms with this.
My dh in a very high senior role. Gets lots of praise at work especially from the women always say how much they 'love' him.
I role my eyes and say I'm sure you do at work. Hint hint he has to be on best behaviour at all times with him being senior
Is there anyway you can see it that way? That he has to be on good terms at work?
Do you have a life of your own, hobbies. Work or are you just at home at the moment?
I found I resented my dh for a while. But I went back to college and retrained in something I love and have started volunteering. it doesn't change or excuse his behaviour but I am wondering if there is maybe a bit of resentment there???

I work too: I run a business part time and have a few nice hobbies too. I earn a fairly good wage on a part-time self employed basis too. I really love my work, it's mentally engaging and keeps me busy and occupied, I feel independent and happy in this respect. Hobbies- I don't feel the need to be doing much more than I already am. I'm quite happy with what I do, it's not like I don't have interests of my own. Just need a bit of love!

lingo thanks. I think it is. It's all too easy to fall into perceived gender specific roles.
I did everything I could, from 'defer' to 'debate' .... in the end, it didn't matter. It didn't influence a thing.
My view, simplistic probably, is that its about team, playing to strengths and supporting, when its accepted.
I too always worked, contributed emotionally, sexually, psychologically. I didnt keep a tally. I spelled out where I felt I needed support.
He didnt want to know.

Give him his home performance review. If he doesn't respond, fire him.

I think some men struggle with constructive criticism. My DH takes it personally and sulks for an hour or two, each time I try to explain what I need. Even when I explain that I need more sexual and emotional engagement from him, it seems to offend his ego and he withdraws. I would actually argue that sit down conversations like this have been counter-productive, leading to further withdrawal and isolation for me.

It's not you it's him! He's a bit hero worshipped at work but at home he is just the bloke who can't be arsed to put the bins out! Maybe he can't keep the superman up for more than 8 hours or worse still he thinks home is not exciting enough for him. You don't all stand and clap when he walks in the door. Maybe he needs a week crash course in being in charge at home while you clear off somewhere very important spa see an old friend ....

"He is a man who leaves his fiddle at the door" as my granny would say.

He is "on" at work - he has to work/shine/dazzle to gain the status, power and control that he craves. He sees no status or power in cleaning the toilet or being "on" at home to impress you and the DC - there is no need. I think someone further up thread was right when they said he will only do what he wants (and values). He probably cannot see it at all from your pint of view.

I'm just sound boarding now but another thing I've noticed is that at work, he does over and above, can't do enough, Mr Helpful. And at home he's so competitive. If I pull him up on something, he will say "well you didn't do x y and z so why should I do w?" It's a real tit for tat environment and at work, it couldn't be more different. He'll stay late to help anyone in need, often doing things outside of his job description!

Looks like he's not meeting his KPIs at home.
Review and give a verbal warning, then if nothing changes, a written one, and then fire him.

Detach emotionally from him. Stop doing anything for him.
You're better off on your own. He's a user.
Life with someone so draining and petulant and downright nasty sounds absolutely ghastly.

Condolences on the death of your father figure. I think you're doing a fantastic job under duress.

"Fireside devil" is a well known type - angel out of the home or with those whose opinions count to him (basically complete strangers)

but saves his laziness and his whims for you, his wife.

It's an attitude thing which probably is deeply ingrained in him and won't change. He doesn't care what you think of him - you're just a nagging domestic appliance, not a human being.

What are you going to do,OP?

I don't know. I see snippets of a gentle, more sensitive, more intimate side and I feel hopeful again. He has the makings of such a nice, kind hearted guy. I feel like I've turned him into this petty, self righteous stranger.
I've become a little suspicious around his female work colleagues as he's thought of so highly and yesterday, I accused him of having an emotional affair. He's since labelled me a psycho.
I feel like a psycho.
I feel like I'm going mad.

at work, he does over and above, can't do enough, Mr Helpful. And at home he's so competitive. If I pull him up on something, he will say "well you didn't do x y and z so why should I do w?" It's a real tit for tat environment and at work, it couldn't be more different. He'll stay late to help anyone in need, often doing things outside of his job description!

OP, I don't have any answers but I am in a very similar situation, what you've written above could describe my DH, so you're not alone! feel like I can't win, I feel like he doesn't want to be a team with me, yet he'll accuse me of rejecting him because he's not involved. I want to be a team, and feel it's particularly important as parents, but increasingly feel he's just not interested.

lingo I can identify with a lot of what you say here. It is a headfuck, as everyone seems to think they're an amazing, sensitive, New Age Man, but from the perspective of a partner, they're actually quite selfish and unempathetic.

My DP is similar, maybe a bit less frustrating in that he does have certain household chores that he knows are 'his share' and that he's expected to do, but he will barely ever see or do anything outside of that without me spelling it out to him/nagging. Often when I ask him to take care of something, he'll do part of the job, then leave the rest because he's "too busy" until I get fed up of waiting/asking and just do it myself.

He works a few more hours a week than me, but I do far and away the largest share of the housework and pretty much all of the mental load (which I don't think he even understands as 'a thing', even though I've tried to explain).

He writes revisionist histories of why I do what I do. For example, back in the pre-kids past, meal-planning was something we both did. Over time, whenever I asked him to contribute to the plan before we did the weekly shop, he was always too busy or didn't feel like thinking about it at that moment. He would do it later. Of course, he never did, and would get irritated if I asked again, or would say he would decide on the day (meaning he would end up going to the supermarket after work, come home late leaving me to deal with the whole bedtime-bathtime palaver, and we'd end up eating at 9pm. Or he would just get takeaways). So I ended up doing it all. Recently, when I complained about how this was yet another thing that had ended up on my plate because he tapped out, he said, in a surprised tone, "What?! You love meal planning, that's why you do it."

If he has something on his mind, I'll be expected to give him my devoted attention and input for as long as required. If I've got something on my mind, he has a pretty limited tolerance for discussion. Conversely, sometimes he'll ask me for input on something, and if I give him suggestions he doesn't like, he'll suddenly be "too tired to talk" or "sick of talking about it."

Trying to talk about anything is such hard work. If I try to bring something up, it's always the wrong time to talk. If I say that there's something we need to talk about, he might agree, but I'll never be able to pin him down to a specific time, and he'll certainly never make an effort to bring it up again. I have to make all the effort. And given that part of the problem is that I'm already putting in the lion's share of the effort, knowing that I have to put in even more effort to try to get anything to change just seems too exhausting.

Lily: our experiences are pretty much identical! DH also has chores which he takes on solely (bins, feeding the dog etc) but again I do the lions share and of course, that invisible mental load.
I also try to talk to DH to organise plan and share but it's also never the right time or DH seems dis-interested. It's boring, but what they don't realise is that it's boring for us too!

OP I suggest doing exactly what he does, go and find something you love doing and get good at it. It'll make you feel great about yourself and as a result I'm sure he'll notice that people think your fab too and perhaps he'll stop being so self-centred. I would also recommend NOT doing his share of the chores, have clear boundaries of what you will and won't do. If you end up doing all the chores yourself anyway he just won't take you seriously. Good luck x

Hmmmm the psycho thing is a weird response. Like I said, for my dh, he was having an affair and this attitude was one of the signs. Why would he not try to reassure you?

Your post sounds like a recent parents evening with my son - model pupil at school, less at home. I'm probably oversimplifying it, but is it a case of he's tired at home, and you get the brunt of his frustrations. At work, he's Mr Nice Guy, and running at100% all day.

When my friend split up with her husband, she told me something that resonates with your post. She said her ex wasn't a bad person, but like most of us was 90% nice and 10% selfish. The problem was the outside world got the 90% all good bit and she got the 10% all bad bit, where usually it's more of a mix. Once they split it was much easier and they co-parent well, because she now gets the good bit mixed in with the selfish.

When you got married, he probably slipped into seeing you as his mother!

My old boss used to say her dh was like this (I think they split up). Attractive life and soul of the party when they were with friends (and very charming and thoughtful), but lazy argumentative and checked out at home. Its a bit teenager ish if you think about it - the way they can act all eye rolly and lethargic while with a parent, and then the second they see a friend approaching they start being all loud and fun. Or the way they can excel at their part time job but not load the dishwasher at home. I guess it is all about the social gain and pats on the back for him at work, he is less rewarded by deep connection and relationship.