DH: Star in the workplace, selfish at home

[lingoludo]

Feeling a little upset/confused by DH's behaviour and wondered if there were any psychologywise types who may know what on earth is going on with my DH? I'm starting to worry that his behaviour is all my fault.
DH is in a managerial position at work and is thought of extremely highly by co-workers and seniors alike.
On first dating DH and on meeting some of his colleagues, they made jokes about me taking good care of him and gave me lots of congratulations for landing such a fab bloke.
Years down the line, with DCs, I see DH in a much different light than when we had first met. He needs constant reminders and direction at home, wouldn't take on any share of the domestic chores at all without me asking, is completely self centred with his time, making himself unavailable regularly due to hobbies and socialising. It has knocked me greatly. I must be a terrible person for a "great bloke" to behave like this in our home surely?
Anyway, I'd told myself that the exhaustion of DCS etc had changed DH and maybe he was struggling juggling work and home.
That was until I was invited to an open day at his work place and wow. I could not believe the man I've come to know at home. I found him hugely atractive and desirable watching him at work as opposed to the non productive, selfish behaviour I see at home. He completely led the whole day, organised everything and everyone, was completely stuck in. He was utterly amazing. I saw him in a whole new light. What has happened to DH? Is it my fault that he is able to take control, use his initiative and be organised in the workplace and behaves like a teenager at home? Leaving mess everywhere, ignoring his share of the chores? Leaving the childcare to me whilst he goes off on his solo ventures? What is going on here? It's really knocked the way I feel about myself and obviously, my relationship. His colleagues think so highly of him, I quite frankly, don't. Is it me? Have I driven him to behave like a child at home? I deserve better than this, surely?

Ummm I disagree. If women behave like SLT males they are nailed for it. The men meanwhile are lauded and promoted for it.

I'm not in teaching but as a parent who works in finance I experience the same. What sucks for you is that he will be lauded at home with the females fawning over him, especially the younger ones. The guys are group together and are what I refer to as a bro club.

Seriously it's time to get really strict at home. Assert yourself and don't put up with any crap. My DH wouldn't dare to look at me sideways let alone make such mean statements. He knows I just do not tolerate it and if he wants a happy life he needs to play nice, treating me with the respect I want him to demonstrate.

It sounds harsh but after you have been trampled on by someone you need to be very harsh so they get the message loud and clear.

That was to fairequeen.

There's ALWAYS been, and always will be, a lot of attention starved "cool girl" types (I say "girl" but often they're older) who rant on with the whole "aren't you lucky to have x, I myself take it up the arse, scrub the loo with my toothbrush, do rimming, and work 165 hours a week and tap dance a WELCOME HOME MY HERO routine every evening to keep my man. He doesn't beat you and he's mostly polite, what more do you want?

if you expect anything more youre being "princessy" or "hysterical" and "need to grow up")

It's important to register this as the Cray cray woman hating low self esteem bollocks that it is ( or women being over competitive to "prove" they're better than man X's "miserable partner")

what's ridiculous is often X doesn't even respect them for their adulation

Was on the bus when typing my post. Meant to say that he will be lauded at work.

I work hard and bring a lot into our marriage therefore have an expectation that I will be treated with according respect. Good luck with him. It will be a tough road and I hope you are able to make it.

It was never your fault @lingoludo . You are not going mad and your perceptions are spot on. I echo posters suggesting counselling for you. You need to understand why you have settled for being treated so shabbily and why you didn't trust yourself to recognise his actions. Then you will be able to leave him, because he is really horrible.

It sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies. He isn't nice to you as he sees no benefit in being nice, you are just expected to be there for him not the other way round. At work he likes being seen as mr nice guy. The real him is the one you see at home, the nice person at work is the fake,

He thinks the home stuff is dreary and low status. He prefers people with vaginas to do what he considers "shit work".

This is what came to mind when reading your post and subsequent comments:

It's way easy to be 'on' at work when others are about, admiring and praising you. If you're the sort of person who lives for praise and worship then nothing is too much trouble because you love to 'shine' in those circumstances.

What's way more telling about a person is how they behave when they aren't 'on stage' and 'performing' for applause by those around them.

You want to know why he doesn't respect you and even holds you in contempt? Because he feels the mundane tasks are beneath him and the fact you 'nag' him to do the means you think HE is 'mundane.'

it's no problem to do chores when people are watching, clapping and treating him like a hero. Ditto for being a 'great listener'.

He doesn't like you because you remind him he is 'normal.'

It is not you, it's him. You haven't turned him into this, he was already like it.

My DH used to behave like this. With hindsight I have no idea why I tolerated it for so long. For years he couldn't understand why I was so prickly and rarely up for sex.... try behaving like a supportive partner and not a selfish arsehole! If I had behaved the way he used to, he would have left the relationship years ago.

I hit rock bottom and told him it's over, at that point he seemed to grasp how bad his behaviour had been, and why it made our relationship so shit. We decided to work through it and things are much healthier now, it was a long process though and we both had counselling. I'm much more assertive now. He does just as much around the house and with the DCs as I do. It's a far better example to set the DCs, I'd hate for them to treat someone, or be treated, the way I was.

I spent yesterday evening in the bedroom crying after trying to sort things out with DH, but he walked out when I tried. I feel completely frustrated at his avoidance and feel I don't even want to get out of bed and face the day. Anyway, this is a text message exchange between us from this morning after he had an opportunity to speak to me face to face this morning whilst DCS were playing in their room. I just have no.idea how to deal with his avoidance. It's like we avoid the problems or he's going to shut down and ignore it all. My head is spinning.

DH: I've said and done some things that have upset you, you've said and done some things that have upset me. Maybe we should hit reset and start again, it's the first day of the holidays and this could be a great 6 weeks if we give it a try? Haven't stopped loving you baby xxx

Me: It's not what you've said that's upset me the most. It's your reluctance to sort anything out or to have any empathy or desire to listen when I'm clearly upset. Things dont go away on their own and everything i think and feel just appears to be insignificant. I'm completely done in.

DH: I deal with things in different ways to you, I can't handle coming in each night and wondering what I've done wrong this time, that's why I avoid it.

Me: Exactly. I'm not making you happy and you're not making me happy.

DH: Which is why I suggested we hit reset

Me: Hitting an imaginary button isn't going to make these feelings go away. That's called avoidance. Which brews even more resentment and contempt.

DH: Ok

This is part of the reason why I didn't go back to teaching after having my own child - I had an SLT post and had been doing it about ten years. I found the performance aspect exhausting, (constantly needing to be creative) and wanted that energy to go into my own child rather than other children. While I was teaching I also found that I just didn't want to 'do' anything at weekends in termtime - Saturday was my only non working day and if my husband suggested shopping or something to do with the household, I just didn't want to do it and dragged my feet. I am embarrassed about that now, of course! It had an effect on our relationship. As soon as I went on maternity leave I was amazed to find how much more 'up' for things I was, even with a new baby. Frankly, I am a far nicer person now I do a different job!

All this is just me, but some of this might resonate. Also, your DH made a decision to have a family while teaching - it is his responsibility to balance the two.

This is one of those rare occasions where I would suggest marriage counselling.

We tried. He was great in sessions. But never did any of the work outside of the sessions, it all fell on my shoulders or it didn't happen! That's when I realised the "extra" work that the counselling was giving us wad just extra work for me, whilst he was able to be his people-pleasing self in the sessions. So I cancelled them and gave myself less to think about!

OP: 'You are not a super hero. You are a primary school teacher who does fuck all at home. To hit the reset button, try doing the fucking washing/cleaning/tidying up/anything to fucking show that you give a shit about your actual family'.

Sounds like you had a rubbish counsellor. One last shot? Or call it a day.

To be fair. I don't think she was particularly good either. She'd seemed fab until she told me to accept DH as a non-communicator, then in the same session said that relationships can't flourish without communication. Also that perhaps my role in the relationship is to be the organiser/instigator etc and perhaps I needed to accept this. My head was pickled. When I complained about DH not helping us leave the house on time, she said that I needed to accept that leaving the house on time was not a priority for DH. Hence cancelling the sessions.

Yeah i think you should find another counsellor and give it one last shot. He just doesnt get it. He doesnt recognise your contribution and your story of being left off the list illustrates that perfectly.

It's not going to be resolved by text. If you do attend counselling together again please go to a good one, eg BACP qualified, and highlight your H's history of acting during counselling. Or attend alone

That counsellor was shit!

Yes, over the holidays see if he will do 50%.

Being a SAHM with a DH like this isn't adviseable IMO.

The counsellor was from relate! Would have expected better. I'm not a sahm mum loopy, I work too.

I'll be brutally honest, and I hope that's okay: towards the end of my marriage, I may have displayed behaviour not dissimilar to the OP's husband. I was desperately unhappy in my marriage and hated feeling trapped with a man whom I liked but wasn't in love with and who kept on insisting I spend more energy on dates and holidays and making our house a home when work gave me interesting problems to solve, intelligent people to converse with and the appreciation I never got at home.

I was mature enough to end my marriage when I realised just how unhappy I was, but to be completely honest, I believe I may have spent several months prior to that having an emotional affair with my job.

ETA: I do mean with my job as such as opposed to a person who also worked there.

We went to a counsellor from Relate too, she was rubbish, she told me that when he came home at night perhaps I could let him have half an hour 'to de-stress' after he told her I nagged at him. In actual fact I never nagged at him he would come home sit down and ignore me and the kids completely just sit flicking through the tv watching what he wanted and expecting his dinner to be brought to him on a tray. When I said as much she basically defended him saying that he worked hard and was feeling stressed and unable to cope! Like your H mine was very good at putting on the act but she fell for it hook line and sinker!

Relate counsellors are often terrible at recognising abuse, and easily conned by abusive, manipulative men.

Yes, your H is abusive. His behaviour is actively about making you unhappy and stressed, because he needs you to be 'less than' him, all the time. You (and DC) are a prop to his ego, his 'lovely family' with an added edge of 'Pity his wife's such a naggy, whiny cow, let's be extra nice to this lovely man'.

Counselling for yourself (preferably via Women's Aid) will help, but you may need to tread carefully as this man will attempt to sabotage it.