DH: Star in the workplace, selfish at home

[lingoludo]

Feeling a little upset/confused by DH's behaviour and wondered if there were any psychologywise types who may know what on earth is going on with my DH? I'm starting to worry that his behaviour is all my fault.
DH is in a managerial position at work and is thought of extremely highly by co-workers and seniors alike.
On first dating DH and on meeting some of his colleagues, they made jokes about me taking good care of him and gave me lots of congratulations for landing such a fab bloke.
Years down the line, with DCs, I see DH in a much different light than when we had first met. He needs constant reminders and direction at home, wouldn't take on any share of the domestic chores at all without me asking, is completely self centred with his time, making himself unavailable regularly due to hobbies and socialising. It has knocked me greatly. I must be a terrible person for a "great bloke" to behave like this in our home surely?
Anyway, I'd told myself that the exhaustion of DCS etc had changed DH and maybe he was struggling juggling work and home.
That was until I was invited to an open day at his work place and wow. I could not believe the man I've come to know at home. I found him hugely atractive and desirable watching him at work as opposed to the non productive, selfish behaviour I see at home. He completely led the whole day, organised everything and everyone, was completely stuck in. He was utterly amazing. I saw him in a whole new light. What has happened to DH? Is it my fault that he is able to take control, use his initiative and be organised in the workplace and behaves like a teenager at home? Leaving mess everywhere, ignoring his share of the chores? Leaving the childcare to me whilst he goes off on his solo ventures? What is going on here? It's really knocked the way I feel about myself and obviously, my relationship. His colleagues think so highly of him, I quite frankly, don't. Is it me? Have I driven him to behave like a child at home? I deserve better than this, surely?

I'm wondering if you're a good friend of mine - you just described her DH to a T. Everyone on the 'outside' loves him - colleagues, friends, family, (her family think the sun literally shines out of his arse). However, she's confided in me many times about what an absolute selfish arsehole he is at home. He does nothing unless it is in some way advantageous to him, or makes him look 'good'- so if people are visiting for example, he will morph into Disney Dad of the year, then resume ignoring his kids once they've left.
I'm sorry I don't really have any answers for you. My friend complains about him, but won't leave him because she's obsessed with having the 'perfect family', and divorce, (to her), is inconceivable.
One interesting thing though - he's cottoned on to the fact that I know what he's really like, (I've made little effort to hide my contempt), and has told friend he no longer wants our families to spend time together, so I see her alone now, (fine by me, can't stand the nobber!). Basically, anyone who may reveal his true character is a 'threat' who must be removed, in case they cause his facade to slip.
So really, you have to decide if you're happy to tolerate this shit. Yes, people can change, but they have to want to change first.

Why would you think this is you?

Your only mistake has been to allow him to behave like this.

Please seek counselling for yourself to discuss why you have.

Sexanddrugs what you have seen there is classic narcissistic behaviour. Especially cutting you out when you've seen through The facade.

What is annoying also is how people cover up for this behaviour....you end up not wanting work colleagues to feel bad or disappointed in their hero, and also to be protective of how your relationship is seen from the outside. So you cover up the cracks and nod and smile.

I did this for years. People were shocked that we split. Apart from the few that saw straight through him...a few years later people are putting two and two together though...

In work they don't have to be genuine. They can play whatever character they like, and they tend to play this up to the influencers.

He doesn't need to influence you...Day in and day out he can rely on you to take care of the drudgery. Thinking that you'll never leave.

In my case I withdrew- he walked out the last time thinking as per usual I would beg him to come back, plead to work it out for the sake of our family etc. He was wrong and shocked (still is 3 years later according to mutual friends )when I asked him for the key, told him calmly if he was really going, that was it, he wasn't coming back, and closed the door behind him.

He thought I couldn't live without him, so it gave him permission to take the piss.

He's aged horribly in the last three years.

Why have you not pulled him up on his going out socialising and hobby days?
Why haven't you agreed that he is going to make the beds/do the children's reading every night? (Or at least something with the children?)

Why can't this be reigned in a bit?

He writes revisionist histories of why I do what I do. For example, back in the pre-kids past, meal-planning was something we both did. Over time, whenever I asked him to contribute to the plan before we did the weekly shop, he was always too busy or didn't feel like thinking about it at that moment. He would do it later. Of course, he never did, and would get irritated if I asked again, or would say he would decide on the day (meaning he would end up going to the supermarket after work, come home late leaving me to deal with the whole bedtime-bathtime palaver, and we'd end up eating at 9pm. Or he would just get takeaways). So I ended up doing it all. Recently, when I complained about how this was yet another thing that had ended up on my plate because he tapped out, he said, in a surprised tone, "What?! You love meal planning, that's why you do it." hmm

Oh god this too. In the past I had a medical condition and tried different diets to see if they'd help, but this was 5 years ago. DH still brings this up as reasons why he supposedly can't cook / order food. This is aside from the fact it would be nice if he cared enough to notice what I eat / cook.....

And yes to the doing things badly so they don't have to do them. If you're a good parent surely you try and stick to a routine for your kids not just change it every day to suit you? I'm pretty flexible but ......

He gets admiration and recognition for what he does at work. Stuff done at home is shitwork that needs doing over and over with no recognition and no respite. No one admires you loudly for washing up or is in awe of you for putting out the bins.

He likes public admiration for what he does, that's all. People admiring him and falling at his feet fawning over how great he is. He's a show off basically. At home, he's a lazy bastard.

Sometimes I think the word gaslight is thrown around too easily, but it serms to me that he is doing this to you. He is making you think this is all your fault, that there is something wrong with you, such that you deserve no sympathy and care even when you are grieving, that you hsve somehow made him into this terriblr person at home!
None of that is true. You are sering how he really is - the rest of the world is getting the act.

I don't like the word 'nag'. But it just means 'ask repeatedly'. If he pulled his weight the first time you asked, the repetition wouldn't be necessary. So don't allow him to dump that shit on you!

YY to the the use of the word 'nag', Avoiding. This is only ever used to describe a woman, and usually by people who don't like women very much.
OP, if your DH had to ask you repeatedly to do your fair share of the chores, would you be seeing him as a nag or yourself as a bit work-shy?
'Nagging' is no fun. It's extra work and hassle on top of your own work. He gets to be a lazy bastard and on top of that make you the bad one for trying to get him to pull his weight.

And he's throwing all his energy into looking like a top bloke at work, but he won't do the same at home because there are no medals. He's choosing to spend his spare time and energy in getting medals instead of cultivating real relationships at home. Doesn't sound very healthy.

Oblomov17 I have pulled him up on it, but then he seems to just have contempt for me when I do.
Like I'm a big kill-joy in his life.

In terms of me accusing him of the emotional affair: I don't know why he couldn't just ease my worries either, there is no empathy whatsoever. If it was him, I have wanted to make him feel more loved and wanted as a result but instead he called me a "psycho." He has called me this on 2 seperate occasions this week.
I've clearly gotten under his skin in some way and I must be responsible for the way he's feeling towards me in part. The stronger I get with him and the less shit I take, the more he seems to despise me.

That figures: if he behaves like he despises you, then you start doubting yourself and writing that you're the problem. Which is a result for him.

You say some men can't take constructive criticism. But remember that he'll have met this at work...

I think what your said about doing it for reward (people's praise) but not for any internal satisfaction (of doing the right thing) is spot on. That is why he is different with you from how he is with the rest of the world. Because the very nature of marriage and family means that most of his interactions with you are unobserved.

The other thing that should reassure you that it's not you is that he can treat you well when it's in his interests to.

Writing? Thinking!

I don't know if anyone has posted this cartoon about the mental load, but it is very good: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Might be time to seek out counselling for yourself as it sounds like you've cottoned onto something he'd rather you didn't. You're not a psycho!

The reward thing is interesting. Before we had DCS, DH and I used to work together and there was an occasion whereby another colleague collapsed. DH and I rushed to her aid, along with a few others and acted accordingly. The ambulance came and we assisted as best we could. Our boss then asked DH (Mr hardworking) to list the colleagues that had helped so he could congratulate them and reward them for their help at the scene. He listed everyones name apart from mine. I've never been able to work out why he did this, I was so.upset when my boss congratulated all the staff who has helped at a big staff meeting the following day and later discovered that DH had been the one to miss me off the list!

You are NOT responsible. He is the one with the issues. Please do seek counselling so you can see this.

Why didn't you tell work the truth and LTB back then lingoludo?

That was a massive red flag.

This man does not love or respect you. Please love and respect yourself.

Oh, that's not nice. The sort of thing you push to the back of your mind because you can't work out how it happened, no?

It's the sort of thing XH would have done. Something about making you smaller to make himself feel bigger, not that that makes much sense to morally healthy people. Read up on narcissism. When I did, I felt somebody understood my life for the first time.

I thought it was me.
Everyone thought so highly of DH. It had to be me. I couldn't see it at all.
I don't think DH respects me either.
And I no longer respect him as a result.

These days I am always a bit suspicious of the 'do anything for anyone' man, as often there is a wife and children at home who get much less. The key is in the balance. We all have a responsibility to balance what we do in the outside world with what we do for our family.

Is he a primary teacher by any chance?

Why don't you take yourself away for a long weekend - leave him to sort out home and family. When you get back stop doing everything for him - leave the laundry and the shopping - tell him that you are allocating home life tasks differently now.

MaybeDoctor: Yes. He is. I'm a bit bewildered as to how you have worked this out from my posts?!

I think you need to take a break. And reflect on all the things you don't communicate ( and I'm sure he doesn't listen but still). My husband knows the basic family things i dont like doing because I tell him I fucking hate them so I don't care whether he doesn't like them either. I'm not the domestic servant. I hate meal planning so if he can't be arsed meal planning either I'll just do it because someone has to look after our children,but I won't include him. Etc etc etc.

But I also would t have spoken to him for days after that emergency support event. Every time he said anything to me I'd have said I'm surprised you're talking to me, aren't I invisible?? And walk off.

The real him is the person at home. The rest is an act that will become more and more difficult for him to maintain. The result being, he will become more and more unpleasant at home.

I'm an ex-teacher and recognised something in the language you were using.

Male primary teachers can get a lot of kudos in a female-heavy workplace, in my experience. The percentage who make it to SLT is far higher than their percentage of the workforce.

There is also a strong power-dynamic in schools due to the need for discipline. You saw him on a public occasion when he was leading, orchestrating dozens perhaps hundreds of others - you used the word 'attractive' in your OP. I am sure that there are other women there who felt the same.

He would probably look less attractive trying to coax a runaway child in from the playground on a wet Tuesday in January.

Having said all that, part of the problem will be the job I'm afraid...

I left teaching a few years ago as I found the 'teacher politics' quite difficult. Many couldn't leave their controlling, psychological games at the door of the classroom. It's a heavily competitive environment for women, patticularly in the staffroom and the men are treated like heroes.