Morning All,
Feeling utterly utterly flat today... sober, but utterly flat!
A combination of smaller things coming together to side swipe me... starting with 'secret santa' asking if i had drunk the champagne they had bought... i have discussed more than once with this person, and i am confident that that is the case, and they denied all knowledge insisting they would never have bought me champagne if they had known - so whilst i was already sightly miffed at having been gifted champagne from someone i had told about my drinking (and subsequent stopping), I was further irked by the fact she clearly doesn't listen to a single word i say... followed by a round of self flagellation as i know that this person is all about themselves... When will i ever learn?!?!? #tryingtobethebetterperson
A training outing which went OK, but conditions were tough - actually thought we (it's a two person thing) did pretty well all things considered but found the debrief a little bruising with my training partner coming away with some pretty narcissistic comments which I've only really put two and two together about after brooding about it overnight. Really starting to see through his utterly charming exterior to the self centered man inside - and i think he knows i am starting to see him for what, or who, he is and is increasing using jovial teasing, joshing and mild put downs in an 'attack being the best form of defense' sort of way... I have started to call him on it and i am 'grumpy'... I even had the self awareness to correct him that actually i wasn't grumpy, that having chucked the drink I had actually lost my self doubt and was feeling increasingly sure of myself and my thoughts - he had no answer for that...
I should feel pleased that I have 'found my voice' but struggling a little with how that has changed my relationships along the way - I do need to reflect(a little) on how I handle my new found 'no shit' attitude without alienating those around me. Or accept that they will take a little while to adapt to sober, assertive me!
BFF moved 350 miles away last year for work and is hating it - it's very hard to watch, to try and support from so far away. I'm still grieving in some ways for the lost of the daily contact we had - i just want to say to her to come back, but i know that's not an option... So a lot of listening, trying to say the right things, trying not to push the brutal truth too much, or at least try and time it for when i think she can cope with hearing it - cos sometimes we all need that, and not wish for something that isn't possible...
Other friend flattened by the not unexpected death of her DF...
My name is BGJ43,and I am feeling decidedly sorry for myself..... And what does this rant have to do with DRY18? I am today 403 days sober, but the problems and issues I blamed for my drinking haven't gone away, and in many ways it's harder to deal with them - because I am dealing with them, not simply blacking it all out with drink. Today doesn't feel like my finest hour, but the one think I am sure of is that a bottle of wine won't improve things...
If you've got this far, thanks for hanging in there... sometimes we all just need to vent..........
Onwards, ever onwards,
X