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Original poster

He's married. Should I meet him for lunch?

122 replies

VIX1820 · 06/07/2017 12:11

I was dating a guy a few years ago for approx 5 months. Things ended and he is now married to an American girl and lives in Boston with her. We have the occasional text convo every couple of months. He's coming back to the UK in a couple of weeks to visit family and has asked if I would like to go for lunch. I'm guessing he won't tell his current wife what he's doing. Is this a bad idea even if it is innocent (on my part at least, I can't speak for him!) I'm single but would never do anything with someone involved but I'm just wondering if this is completely out of line on his wife?

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 06/07/2017 13:03

Not sure why some people here are assuming he MUST be after a shag - presumably if he was that keen on the OP he could have married her. But he didn't.

GrumpyOldBag · 06/07/2017 13:05

Nope. he is very close friends with one of them and does it all the time. I trust him completely.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 06/07/2017 13:05

We don't know if the wife has no inkling he texts or is planning to meet his ex who he dated for five minutes half a lifetime ago.

BewareOfDragons · 06/07/2017 13:05

I depends.

My DH would have no problem with me getting together with old boyfriends/boy friends who were to visit, because that's what they are: in the past. But we're still friends.

BUt, otoh, he knows we're friends. It's visible on FB for all to see. Not hidden, which would change everything.

Adora10 · 06/07/2017 13:06

I think it looks dodgy because they only dated for five months so there's not really any history there to catch up, it would be really like a date in my mind.

Plus OP has told us he hasn't told his wife, I don't think she knows they text either, not nice.

rainbowpie · 06/07/2017 13:08

I'm guessing he won't tell his current wife what he's doing.

current wife? Just wife will do. Unless you believe there will be future wives...

ChicRock · 06/07/2017 13:10

If you're so concerned about being "out of line" when it comes to his wife then stop texting him - some bloke that you dated for five months - telling him your relationship/boyfriend woes and asking him for advice.

MikeUniformMike · 06/07/2017 13:11

You are single, he isn't. You parted amicably after a few months dating years ago and have remained in contact. He may or may not tell his wife that he's meeting you for a coffee.
I think he sees you as a pal and there would probably be no harm in meeting, but his wife would almost certainly mind, at least just a little bit.

If it was me, and an ex wanted to meet for a drink, I would maybe not tell DP as he would mind a little, but I would go just as an old pal meeting up with an old pal. If the ex made a move I'd say No thanks, you're married.

Best not to go.

amusedbush · 06/07/2017 13:14

The texts are entirely innocent, he's given me relationship advice etc on boyfriends since for example

My DH used to have a friend who would do this, he'd "advise" on boyfriends, he'd whisper in these girls' ears and then he'd clean up the mess when they broke up. It was all to keep them in his pocket so that he could swoop in when he fancied it. Gross, calculated and sleazy.

YesMadamDeputySpeaker · 06/07/2017 13:15

I think if you're asking that question, you already know the answer.

WomblingThree · 06/07/2017 13:16

Why on earth would you need to discuss "boyfriends" with a five years old ex that you were with for five months. That's not a relationship, it's barely more than a casual shag. I think it's way past time you moved on!

Herbpatch · 06/07/2017 13:18

Absolutely nothing wrong with meeting up with him for a friendly lunch. Whether or not he decides to tell his wife is entirely a matter for him.

This, but what I find extremely weird is that the OP assumes, on no apparent evidence, that the guy isn't going to tell his wife he's having lunch with someone he dated briefly five years ago.

Why would you assume that, unless you know he's a sleazebag from when you dated him, and if you know he's a sleazebag looking for a lunchtime quickie on his holidays, why would you want to meet him in the first place?

Loopytiles · 06/07/2017 13:18

You only dated him briefly, why the need/wish for any kind of contact? Inappropriate for him to be advising you on relationships.

ChicRock · 06/07/2017 13:21

My DH used to have a friend who would do this, he'd "advise" on boyfriends, he'd whisper in these girls' ears and then he'd clean up the mess when they broke up. It was all to keep them in his pocket so that he could swoop in when he fancied it. Gross, calculated and sleazy.

And likewise, some women have friends that they "check-in" with, text occasionally, ask for relationship advice, weep all over them, "hey I'm single and available to you again", keep them in their pocket so they can swoop when they fancy it.

TheLegendOfBeans · 06/07/2017 13:23

Herbpatch

Probably because the OP has been engaged in reciprocal flirty/flattering texts for a long time with this guy.

She knows he (still) fancies her and whilst she's not likely to be up for anything might fancy an ego-massage of a flirty long lunch with a guy she knows that - if she wanted to - she could have in a heartbeat. The thrill of being the "glamorous fancied other" in comparison to the dullard faceless missus from soccermomville can be quite heady.

I could be wrong though Grin

SheldonsSpot · 06/07/2017 13:25

You're assuming he won't tell his wife, are you also assuming his wife won't be with him?

That'll be you getting your eye wiped if she's there too Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2017 13:30

If your texts are as innocent as you claim and you are 'close enough to be asking him advice on your personal life, then there should also be no problem in saying 'Sure, I'll meet you for a coffee as long as I can be sure you have told your wife we'll be meeting up".

Does his wife know about these 'innocent' texts?

Herbpatch · 06/07/2017 13:33

Maybe you're right, Beans. If so, I hope Sheldon turns out to be correct, and when the OP turns up for her flirty 'One That Got Away' lunch, the ex's friendly, beautiful wife is there too to help with the trip down memory lane. Grin

zzzzz · 06/07/2017 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyOldBag · 06/07/2017 13:38

Insisting his wife knows first implies that you think he's up to no good. And it's rude to the guy.

Really - why not take it at face value, have a nice lunch together, you obviously have a nice friendship.

zzzzz · 06/07/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinnieTheMe · 06/07/2017 13:43

My DH is out for lunch with his ex today, randomly. It hadn't occurred to me to be bothered. He is down in London on business and is getting the last train home. I presume they can sit in Pizza Express without ripping their pants off. All seems like a fuss over nothing.

WomblingThree · 06/07/2017 13:47

Yes Winnie, but the difference is you know and are fine with.

Adora10 · 06/07/2017 13:47

Yeah but you know Winnie, the OPs has intimated his wife knows nothing.

BadTasteFlump · 06/07/2017 13:52

Ah yes, maybe the wife is coming too, anyway. Assuming that she's his wife because he married her because he wanted to, because he likes her company, etc?

Maybe he's thinking he'd like her to meet you so you can all be friends Smile