He's married. Should I meet him for lunch?

[VIX1820]

I was dating a guy a few years ago for approx 5 months. Things ended and he is now married to an American girl and lives in Boston with her. We have the occasional text convo every couple of months. He's coming back to the UK in a couple of weeks to visit family and has asked if I would like to go for lunch. I'm guessing he won't tell his current wife what he's doing. Is this a bad idea even if it is innocent (on my part at least, I can't speak for him!) I'm single but would never do anything with someone involved but I'm just wondering if this is completely out of line on his wife?

I can't see any reason he wouldn't tell his wife.
When returning to old haunts it is quite normal to catch up with mates.
However, the fact you are asking if it is appropriate, makes me think you believe he is thinking it is not a regular catch-up lunch so best to say you are too busy.

Well, you could always ask him if his wife minds him having lunch with an ex (you). Does she know that you still text each other?

Male friends are one thing. Ex boyfriends are a whole different kettle of (smelly) fish.

I recently had lunch with two different exPs (separate occasions). There's nothing 'going on' - we're just mates now. In both cases, their partners knew about it but weren't able to make it (I have met both women, and they are lovely).

But it's the partners knowing about it that makes the difference. If he thought it was innocent he'd have no problem telling his wife, would he?

What is the point of your current relationship with him anyway?

Assuming you're single you'd be better off "clearing the decks" so to speak. I always think there's no sense carrying on with something you'd only have to knock on the head if/when you find someone you actually want to be with anyway. At the very least it's the kind of thing that can lose you a good opportunity.

I think it's ok and I wouldn't have a problem if my DH did something similar 🤷🏻‍♀️ 5 years is a long time -

I'd happily meet up and I wouldn't expect any problems at all, however, if I found I had misjudged things and he started flirting or whatever then I would get up and leave immediately.

he's given me relationship advice etc on boyfriends

You can justify the meet up all you want OP but he's looking for a shag, simple as that; also if I was you I'd not be happy that he's keeping me a secret so essentially she does not know you exist so he's going behind her back texting and now wants to move it up a notch and meet you.

Find a man that is actually available to have lunch with as you are really just wasting your time and possibly causing shit for another woman.

Why are you assuming he won't tell his wife?

Why would you assume he hasn't told his wife? Are you worried your clothes will accidentally fall off in his presence? There's got to be more to this.

Have a lovely lunch with someone else, free from moral dilemmas

Yup. He's looking to use you for a shag, why bother?

I think if you ask something like " oh what would your wife think" you are just going to look like a loon to be honest. If he hasn't told his wife it is probably because he doesn't appreciate that there is a possibility she wouldn't be fine with him meeting a friend just because it is a female friend.

The fact you're doubting whether it is appropriate makes me think you are harbouring unresolved feelings, or that your texts are in the category of flirty banter which is not ok.

If you are assuming he won't tell his wife, you are clearly not just friends and your texts cannot have been completely innocent.

Sounds like you're making some big assumptions as to his motives (you mentioned guessing). Others are then jumping to the usual 'he must be up to no good' conclusion. Unless you've been flirting via text as someone suggested and therefore have some insight, from what I can see it's social. One key aspect is that the date is lunch. If he had designs on something more I would have thought an evening would have been more of a choice. You don't say for sure he hasn't told his wife and while this may be suspect, you can't be sure, and in any case, even if he's just seeing you socially he may not tell his for an easy life. She may be irrationally jealous. You're coming across like you think you're so hot he can't resist you. Either that or you know more about his character than you've let on. Raises the question of whether you think any social meeting with a married male must have some sexual connotation. Give him a break or don't bother. Your choice unless you think you'd be so weak you'd have to have sex with him.

Meeting an old friend for lunch = totally fine

Deceiving his wife = not fine

Do you have a particular reason to think he won't tell his wife? If he's been innocently texting you for years, seems no reason why he wouldn't.

Why do you assume his wife doesn't know?

I think you think there's more to this than there is and therefore shouldn't go.
If it's inappropriate, in your mind, to meet for lunch it's best you stop the texting too.
Either it's innocent or not

"But it's the partners knowing about it that makes the difference. If he thought it was innocent he'd have no problem telling his wife, would he?"

I do agree with you.

However, I also know of another case (not involving me, I swear!) where a male friend has an incredibly jealous partner. He doesn't tell her when he's out with female friends for lunch because he just gets grief. It doesn't mean there's anything going on - it's actually her behaviour that is unreasonable. But, for an easy life, he chooses to deceive her rather than telling the truth, just to avoid the grief. Personally, I don't think it's a great way of handling it from either of them, I'm just saying that there ARE incredibly jealous people (male and female) in the world, and their partners sometimes deceive them for other reasons than cheating.

The texts are entirely innocent, he's given me relationship advice etc on boyfriends since for example

That's not innocent.

You think a lot of yourself don't you.

You've assumed he won't tell his wife.

Maybe he will. Maybe he already has. Maybe he simply has an hour or so to kill, you're the nearest available person he knows in that area and he just feels like having lunch with anyone rather than eating alone.

I'm sure he'll be able to control himself.

Gosh everyone seems to assume the guy has ulterior motives!

Absolutely nothing wrong with meeting up with him for a friendly lunch. Whether or not he decides to tell his wife is entirely a matter for him.

Adult people who have previously slept together should be able to continue to have a friendly relationship when they have moved on in life.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. And if he does start to push the lunch in an inappropriate direction, you simply knock it on the head - you sound very capable OP.

You're asking whether you should, so the answer is no.

If it was totally above board and fine you wouldn't think twice.

Sounds like you are already having an emotional affair

And like you could "accidentally find yourself " moving it on to a physical level

Do you still fancy him?

I don't mind my DH going out with his ex-wife or previous girlfriends - and I don't expect him to tell me about it every time either.

I meet two of my old boyfriends from time to time. One comes over from Canada every couple of years, another has never married and has a very interesting creative job. I always tell DH where I'm going and he doesn't mind. He has a couple of old female friends ( though not exes) that he sees in similar circumstances, one was his climbing partner and the other he met when they did a job related course. If he has told his wife you are fine to meet for lunch.

That's great Grumpy - but if you realised he was texting his ex(s) and you had no inkling you wouldn't be a bit ?