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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I trust Husband?

94 replies

Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:11

I need a little advice. I am having a real problem seeing dh's point of view in the trust area. He is a fab husband really loving and would do anything for me our children and friends. Recently He has been giving lifts to a single woman at work (her husband died 3 yrs ago) and with whom he works with closely. We discussed this at length because I feel she has become to comfortable around him and he knows so much about her. I have found out not only is he giving her lifts which I am not unhappy about as a lot of people car share, but he is going in her house for tea sometimes before work and sometimes after then he said he sometimes works at her house which I never even thought he would do especially as she is single and he has 2 offices one of which he shares with her and he has no reason to work at her house what so ever also her house is not on his way home he has to go out of his route to take her home. He says he would never ever have an affair and that he is not like other men at all but I feel he uses this as an excuse and he may not be thinking this way but she might. My mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts as to why he never told me he had been working at her house. Am I just being paranoid would you be happy for your husband to do this?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 23/03/2007 11:17

Erm, no, I wouldn't be at all happy about this but then perhaps I am a naturally suspicious person. But it's tricky to know what to suggest you do without sounding completely paranoid and insecure.

Would he do this if the colleague were male?

Maybe you could suggest that they both come to yours for a cup of tea after work and work in your house instead of hers? If he's at hers, you're seeing less of him and that's not really on, is it?

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 11:18

No. i don't think you are being paranoid, just wary, and I can totally understand why.
I know that I personally wouldn't be happy about it but it all boils down to the strength of your relationship with your DH and your securtities/insecurties within yourself.

mumblechum · 23/03/2007 11:18

TBH, I wouldn't be happy, but I must admit to being the jealous type.

Is there any way you can meet with her? I don't mean anything confrontational, just try to get to know her - perhaps invite her round for a drink, or out on your next girly night to see if you can get a handle on what she's like. For all you know, she could be dating and not remotely interested in your dh.

I would, however, ask my dh to stop going round to her house for anything other than drop off-pickups.

If you're still worried, have a look at his text messages - they seem to be a dead giveaway for a lot of people on these type of threads.

nowornever · 23/03/2007 11:18

Hmmm - it could all be completely platonic and friendly, but just in case...

  • how's your own relationship? is there anything he might get from her that he doesn't get at home (not just sex - shared interests, fun, intellectual stimulation, competitive sudoku...)
  • make friends with her if you can. Make sure they are both aware of you when they are alone together: will help keep the brakes on any inappropriate thoughts!
  • take him out for a nice meal and tell him you are a bit jealous and that you still fancy him rotten...and have fun!
LoveMyGirls · 23/03/2007 11:20

I would go loopy. When we can we like to spend time together - something about us choosing to be partners and do stuff together i m not saying he cant have friends, we share our friends and sometimes he see's our friends on his own and vice versa, thats natural and healthy but something about your story would make me see red. Either he involves you more and you both help this woman or he see's her at work and stops going round her house imo.

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 23/03/2007 11:21

id be lived,

theres no reason for your husband to EVER be at another womans house without your knowledge

sorry but if i found out my DP had been 'working' at some womans house for hours whilst i thought he was at wor alarmbells would most definatly be ringing !

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:22

how did you find out? and why is he working at he house?

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 11:22

I think he could be putting himself in a very vulnerable position too, working at her house, just him and her, if she is up to something and things don't go her way who's to say whats she's going to start spouting. This could get very out of hand.
I think he should be maintaining a 'professional distance' and not overstepping 'professional boundaries'

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 23/03/2007 11:22

*livid

Original poster
Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:24

I dont think I will ever get to meet her and I have told him I think she probably is really nice. He says she is totally devoted to her partner, I said he is dead!! I have put up with her caling him on his days off with me and the kids I know that sometimes it is important. But I really feel uncomfortable about him being in her house and he says he wont stop because I should trust him and I am getting a case of the green eyed monster!

OP posts:
SSShakeTheChi · 23/03/2007 11:25

I can understand him going in for a cup of tea. Maybe she feels obliged to invite him in in return for the lifts. But I don't understand why he is working at her house. I wouldn't like it.

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:25

hmmm, and what does your intuition say? I'm not liking this

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 11:26

I wouldn't be happy tbh. The only advice I can give is trust your instincts. They're generally right.

Don't let him take the P**. Sit down and have a good talk. Get it out in the open. Explain what upsets you, what you expect from now on, and try to move on.

Some good advice on here for you. Just go with your gut feelings. He shouldn't do anything that makes you feel this way, whether it's innocent or not. Tell him how you feel, he then has the chance to put things right, then you can forget it all.

Don't settle for anything that makes you feel sad, paranoid, upset. You deserve better.

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 11:26

I'm not liking it either. He should be putting your feelings before hers. Bloody men!

NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2007 11:28

Has he been unfaithful in the past?

I would probably be ok with this, tbh. At least, I'd like to think I would be. Well, particularly if I met the woman in question. If they are so sociable together, surely it's reasonable for you to want to have her over for tea sometime?

DH recently made a v good female friend through work, and they email each other quite a bit. I was quite twitchy about it all, but met up with her when she was last in town, and am now a lot better. She's going to start working for DH, and I'm sure they'll have coffee together etc.

SSShakeTheChi · 23/03/2007 11:29

"he says he wont stop because I should trust him and I am getting a case of the green eyed monster"

well it's great he's being so bl*-minded and unhelpful about it. That really helps things no end.

NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2007 11:31

Thing is, ok, what if she is thinking that way ... if you trust your DH, what's the problem?

Original poster
Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:31

THANKYOU so much I have not been able to talk to anyone about this as everyone knows him and I wouldn't want people to think things of him. I just needed to know that other women feel this way too as he says they don't.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2007 11:34

Oh, I'd agree with you that most women would feel the way you do. I'm just not sure it's entirely fair, tbh.

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 11:34

Well would YOU ring another woman's husband when you knew he was with his wife and family? would YOU invite him in for cups of tea when you knew he had a wife to get home to? etc etc

It's unacceptable, whether he thinks so or not!

SSShakeTheChi · 23/03/2007 11:34

What do you know about this woman? She may be 20 years older than him or something. If he is just stubbornly going to continue and not take your feelings into account at all, then really you need to see them together, get your antennas out and judge whether there is anything to be worried about.

You can do, arrange something and then don't ask him, just call her up at the joint office and invite her along.

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:35

Dazie, this is complete rubbish, not many women i can think of would feel ok with this. if you say he has no reason to work at her house - what is the reason he has given? You are not being paranoid, he is making you feel that way by having a close friendship with a woman you don't know. Why can't you meet her?

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 11:36

If it's not that important to him to be at her house and go for tea, for a coffee etc then he won't mind stopping it.

If he won't stop it, then you need to ask yourself why. Sorry

(Agree with the poster who said about crossing the line and unprofessionalism too. What if things didn't go her way. What if she accuses him of something. What if she beins to rely on him too much. Too much chance of complications here I think.)

NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2007 11:36

I would ring another woman's husband while he was with his wife, if a) there was a work thing or b) if he was a friend of mine, and I wanted a chat.

Original poster
Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:40

the reason is they are part of a team thats why they work at her house as far as I know no one else is there. The reason he never told me is because he knows exactly how I feel about it and that I would never do it to him and I never have!

OP posts:
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