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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I trust Husband?

94 replies

Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:11

I need a little advice. I am having a real problem seeing dh's point of view in the trust area. He is a fab husband really loving and would do anything for me our children and friends. Recently He has been giving lifts to a single woman at work (her husband died 3 yrs ago) and with whom he works with closely. We discussed this at length because I feel she has become to comfortable around him and he knows so much about her. I have found out not only is he giving her lifts which I am not unhappy about as a lot of people car share, but he is going in her house for tea sometimes before work and sometimes after then he said he sometimes works at her house which I never even thought he would do especially as she is single and he has 2 offices one of which he shares with her and he has no reason to work at her house what so ever also her house is not on his way home he has to go out of his route to take her home. He says he would never ever have an affair and that he is not like other men at all but I feel he uses this as an excuse and he may not be thinking this way but she might. My mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts as to why he never told me he had been working at her house. Am I just being paranoid would you be happy for your husband to do this?

OP posts:

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 11:42

Well if he knows how you feel about it then it would be more respectful to you if he didn't do it, not just not tell you about it.
Whatever his reasons this is causing you some distress and he has to make you his priority on this one.

doggiesayswoof · 23/03/2007 11:44

The main thing I take from your posts is that you are unhappy with the situation, and your dh should take your feelings into account even if his behaviour is perfectly reasonable (which imo it isn't!)

I hope that if I asked my dh to stop seeing someone in certain circumstances, because it worried me, he would do it - out of concern for my feelings.

Also agree with those who say he is putting himself in a vulnerable position. What if it goes sour and she ends up accusing him falsely of sexual harrassment? Worst case scenario - he could lose his job - no witnesses at her house so it would be her word against his.

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:44

but why work at her HOUSE if they share an office and lifts?? Anyone got any advice with the 'you're being paranoid and i'm not going to stop doing this' scenario??

doggiesayswoof · 23/03/2007 11:45

x posts ifonlyhewould - snap!

raspberryberet · 23/03/2007 11:45

The only thing that would make alarm bells ring for me is the fact that she contacts him on his days off. For me that would put it as more than a work thing - it sounds more like her having some sort of reliance on your dh above and beyond that which she's entitled to have.

My initial reaction is that she is gaining some kind of practical or emotional support from him and that he is going along with it either because he doesn't realise that she's formed some kind of attachment to him, or because he enjoys the attention. Whichever it is, it's inappropriate of her to be looking for that kind of support from someone else's husband.

SSShakeTheChi · 23/03/2007 11:46

If her house is not on his way home, it's a little odd that he is regularly picking her up and taking her home. Doesn't she have a car? They obviously not only work closely together but like each other. If he didn't like her a good deal, frankly he wouldn't ferry her about so much or work at her home and all the rest of it.

This trust issue has more than one focus for me. Part of trusting someone is trusting them not to unnecessarily hurt and upset you - which I feel he is doing here. It may well be that there is nothing more than a companionable working relationship here but he should care more about how you feel and try to make it less worrying for you, surely? Trusting someone is not just about believing blindly that they will not have an affair behind your back.

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:52

Dazie, what you thinking?

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:53

she has been working there for years and has been busing and I assume she can drive up until dh started offering her a lift at the moment he is working some where else so he cant give her a lift so she is getting home by herself.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2007 11:55

'gaining some sort of practial or emotional support from' is surely just a complicated way to say 'is friends with' isn't it?

Are married men not allowed to have female friends? Surely work is more pleasant when we are friends with our colleagues?

I do agree that the lying is totally out of order, and the fact he refuses to even acknowledge that Dazie is unhappy with the current situation (which she has a right to be), never mind trying to accomodate her feelings somehow.

scootermum · 23/03/2007 11:56

I agree with some of the other posters-it doesnt matter if it is totally innocent -if he knows you are uneasy with it he should stop working at her house at least..The lifts I wouldnt mind, and the popping in for the odd cup of tea, but there is surely no need for him to spend alot of time at the house when they've a perfectly good office they can use..(Just my opinion mind and im not the most trusting of people so feel very free to ingnore)
What does he say when you suggest she comes round to dinner at yours?

It might be more her than him though-did you say she was recently bereaved?Maybe she is very lonely-but if thats the case then she will have no objections to being friends with you as well as your dh..

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 11:57

sorry , going to ask you again - how did you find out he was working at her house?

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 12:00

I have no problem with him being friends with her or anyone else I just do not like and will never like him going to her house and he knows that if she were married or had a partner I would feel different there is some kind of security in that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 12:03

we were having a talk about giving lifts home to people and I said I wasnt happy about him giving lifts home to this person as she was single and the other day he told me he was coming home the back way infact he was but he was also giving her a lift home he says he didnt mean it the way it sounded and he wasnt hiding anything its just the way he was coming home. Then I asked him if he had been in her house and thats when I found out

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Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 12:16

Well you wanted out advice and now youve got it so what are you going to do about it?

How would he respond if you pointed out that he may be 'overstepping the mark re rofessional boundaries and leaving himself wide open to accusations of an unpleasant nature' if he thought you were thinking of him rather than yourself would it make a difference?

keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 12:16

OK, when you talk to him about it how is he? is he understanding to you, or does he get annoyed

overdraft · 23/03/2007 12:17

The way it is making you feel is out of order never mind having an affair. Truat your instincts.
My dh had an affair and I remember the feelings of he was spending time with her and she behaved differently to me. Almost like she was giving me warning signals to back of as she was his friend. I should have trusted my instincts and kept talking myself out of it.
What sort of woman would not be calling him on his day off, inviting him in for tea. The biggest danger signal I see in this is that she is making no attempts to meet and get to know you either.
Now I would not put up with my husband investing emotionaly in another woman what so ever. He is not respecting you and the time he is spending on his realationship with her he is taking from yours.
Do you know lots of men have affairs because the other woman makes them feel needed ect.
My husband felt sorry for this woman because her realationship with her husband was not good ffs. My dad had an affair because his mistress needed him and hung on his evey word.
If he is not having an affair I am sorry but I feel this is the right situation for one to start and you need to reel him in. I couldn't reel my dh in as I felt stupid for thinking bad of him.I even asked him while it was going on and he denied it and I ended up feeling a fool and guilty.
I so hope we are all wrong. xxxx

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 12:18

Here Here overdraft! Well said!

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 12:40

cheers all (I had to pop out) Overdraft I have said this to him before that these situations may develop into something else thats why you dont put yourself in that situation ie giving lifts may develop into going into their house and then on from there especially if you are listening to them and their lifes joys and woes on the way home. You make it clear that a lift is a lift!

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bablefish · 23/03/2007 12:48

I think you have to meet this woman, tell your DH to bring her home for dinner

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 12:54

That might be a good idea bablefish.

She will get to see him in his home environment, it will make it 'real'. Then if she is up to anything, if she does have ulterior motives, it might make her think of his wife and family

DivaSkyChick · 23/03/2007 12:58

"he says he wont stop because I should trust him and I am getting a case of the green eyed monster!" This just makes me livid.

Make sure he understands that if he IS having an affair, you will cut his balls off whilst he sleeps. You are NOT kidding.

The whole thing is humiliating. He should respect your feelings; the fact that he couldn't care less is very indicative of where his feelings are right now. The situation is untenable.

He needs to understand what his behavior is going to cost him. I would tell him that I don't give a damn if he thinks I'm a jealous bitch, I will not stand for it and he'd better knock it off immediately. The alternative is that my children and I start looking for a greener pastures.

geez, pregnancy hormones making me rather aggressive. But it's simply NOT okay! I would also talk to a lawyer and make sure all your ducks are in a row, just in case. Bank accounts, titles, passports... Let him know AFTER you've had the meeting. Discuss the situation with his mother.

Way more than my two cents and I apologise if it's just too harsh. You'd think I had been in this situation or something!!!

kimi · 23/03/2007 13:00

He is being very selfish here, get to know her and fire a warning shot.

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:05

I think I will have to talk to him again I dread it because We have talked twice about it the first time I was happy and then I thought no why should I give in I don't like this and I feel uncomfortable about it. I brought it up again and even suggested going to Relate so we could sort it out with mediation and he lost it and went out. So I've just stayed quiet but deep down I am wondering if he is working with her today and not telling me.

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Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:12

Well now you have all of our opinions and they are generally of the same as yours, you can discuss this with him in a confident manner without being apologetic for your feelings. You are not being paranoid, you genuinely feel uncomfortable and a little threatened by this behaviour and it isn't being unreasonable for you to ask him to take your feelings into consideration.

Forget Relate - show him this thread

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:14

Divaskychick Oh he knows this, I told him in no uncertain terms that I would chop em off!!

She knows about me as I ring him and check if he is ok and how his day is going but now I want to do it more as I want to check where he is and I know this is so wrong!!!

I just dont know where she is coming from surely she must think this is wrong he shouldnt be in my house he shouldnt be coming in for tea. I wouldnt do it.

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