Should I trust Husband?

[Dazie]

I need a little advice. I am having a real problem seeing dh's point of view in the trust area. He is a fab husband really loving and would do anything for me our children and friends. Recently He has been giving lifts to a single woman at work (her husband died 3 yrs ago) and with whom he works with closely. We discussed this at length because I feel she has become to comfortable around him and he knows so much about her. I have found out not only is he giving her lifts which I am not unhappy about as a lot of people car share, but he is going in her house for tea sometimes before work and sometimes after then he said he sometimes works at her house which I never even thought he would do especially as she is single and he has 2 offices one of which he shares with her and he has no reason to work at her house what so ever also her house is not on his way home he has to go out of his route to take her home. He says he would never ever have an affair and that he is not like other men at all but I feel he uses this as an excuse and he may not be thinking this way but she might. My mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts as to why he never told me he had been working at her house. Am I just being paranoid would you be happy for your husband to do this?

god he will be home soon and I'm going to need to pick the right moment to discuss it I'm terrified he will say like it or lump it and I have a funny feeling that's exactly what he will say thanks everyone I will let you know the outcome.

So, if he says 'like it or lump it' youcan say 'ok i'll lump it then, but there are things you can do to make me know this is innocent...like text/ring when she is there, and let her hear that things are GREAT at home' etc etc

Sobernow,

My husband is not sure I don't actually mean it and I like it that way.

Actually, I'm not sure I don't mean it. Does that make me a bad person? [halo emoticon]

Throw it back in his court, Dazie. Well then we have a serious problem in our marriage, how are we going to deal with it then?

Dazie

This has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair to me I am sorry to write. He's blundered into this with his eyes open and its now out of control. It does not excuse his behaviour at all because this is hurting your marriage.

I would ask your husband to honestly answer to you these three questions:-

Do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than you his wife?

Does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than you as his wife?

Have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?

He also needs to be told that turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And he cannot kid himself: these same issues will resurface again should he develop a real relationship with his emotional affair partner. He may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting both himself and you through a terrible crisis.

I hope you can come through this, if this is an emotional affair it needs to be pulled to a halt now before any more emotional damage is inflicted. I would advise Relate for both of you; if he won't go go on your own and talk this through with someone impartial.

first I want to ask him to stop going to her house I dont mind the 'car sharing' even though its only ours he is sharing, its the in her house bit I dont like. I have told him before it isnt the giving of lifts to women I am worried about its the giving of lifts to the going into her house to the now having coffee there. He says I should trust him which I do but he cannot ask me to trust her I do not know her at all

I don't thinke he has deliberately set out to have an affair but this has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair all the same.

Does he really want to lose you and his children over this relationship that has gone well beyond the norm of professional working life?.

I wouldn't even go along with the car sharing tbh with you. If this is an emotional affair he has to completely stop all non professional working life contact with her.

I'll tell you a story:-

Years before DH and I met, Mr Meerkat use to give a female work colleague a lift to the station, not every day and mainly when it was raining. All very platonic and innocent it was, they talked shop mainly.

The upshot of all that was that over time she got it into her head that he fancied her and told all her colleagues about their so called "relationship". He cut her stone dead when she did this to him, he told her to her face that he wanted nothing more to do with her and to leave him alone. She did. A harsh lesson for him learnt methinks.

this is what I worry about but I don't even want it to go that far I know he would say no because he has a wife who he loves and a family but he shouldnt even need to get to that stage. Because of the work he does not so long ago he thought someone was getting those kind of ideas he rang me and told me he loved me on the phone so she could hear and made it perfectly clear he was taken he hasn't done that this time as he sees no reason to, she isnt a threat nor is any other woman.

He in other words is telling you to like it or lump it. He is not going to change his behaviour.

TBH anybody who works closely with colleagues over a long period of time (say on a long project for instance) can develop an amotional attachment to a colleague. Its what you do with that attachment that is important. You don't have to act on it.

Many emotional affairs do eventually become sexual ones as well.

I don't think you are being paranoid at all; your suspicions have been raised and such instinct is rarely wrong. How is he going to prove to you that he is fully trustworthy?.

Many men who embark on emotional affairs don't deliberately set out to have such a thing. This does in no way excuse his behaviour though. These things often are insiduous in their onset.

I presume as well he did not initially tell you about this because you "may get upset".

What are you going to do?. Your emotional energies need to be directed at him; forget her. It's him you need to be angry with.

Years ago my first husband did something like this, I didn't like it - drinks after work etc. He did nothing to reassure me and I began to imagine all sorts. Eventually she took me out for a drink and said that she was worried that I might be concerned. I felt totally reassured by her and it turned out that nothing was going on. We split up for other reasons, but it was soon after.

dazie, i think ultimately if you feel uncomfortable you have every right to ask him to stop. at least stop the house visits as they seem unnecessary.

i think it might also be a good idea to see them together to see if you pick up any vibes. it might be a genuine working relationship. then take it from there depending on how you feel.

Hope you are ok Dazie. Thinking of you x

Told him how I felt as he new something wasnt right he understands and has said he will stop the home visits, With no arguement or shouting !! He a said I shouldnt have kept it to myself for this long as he could have put my mind to rest earlier. I feel a lot better about it today I would have felt very different if he had said no I can now let my mind rest and stop thinking all sorts. Thanks for all your advice it was so good to know that I'm not the only woman who thinks this way as dh thinks I am. cheers all!

Oh well done tackling it Dazie. Glad everything went well.

Thats's lovely. i'm so pleased he came through for you x

Great news indeed.

Grand!

Great news. So lovely to read that it turned out well