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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I trust Husband?

94 replies

Dazie · 23/03/2007 11:11

I need a little advice. I am having a real problem seeing dh's point of view in the trust area. He is a fab husband really loving and would do anything for me our children and friends. Recently He has been giving lifts to a single woman at work (her husband died 3 yrs ago) and with whom he works with closely. We discussed this at length because I feel she has become to comfortable around him and he knows so much about her. I have found out not only is he giving her lifts which I am not unhappy about as a lot of people car share, but he is going in her house for tea sometimes before work and sometimes after then he said he sometimes works at her house which I never even thought he would do especially as she is single and he has 2 offices one of which he shares with her and he has no reason to work at her house what so ever also her house is not on his way home he has to go out of his route to take her home. He says he would never ever have an affair and that he is not like other men at all but I feel he uses this as an excuse and he may not be thinking this way but she might. My mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts as to why he never told me he had been working at her house. Am I just being paranoid would you be happy for your husband to do this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:20

Ifonlyhewould He would absolutely kill me if I show him this thread. I think he just wants me to except that he will not have an affair and thats it trust him.

OP posts:

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:25

Well to be honest it's her I wouldn't trust. Like you, I wouldn't do what she is doing. I would have more respect for my colleagues wife and family. I can't help but think she may be getting something out of this. I agree with the poster who said if its all as innocent as your DH says it is then he won't have any objection to putting your feelings first. His loyalty is to you.

Tortington · 23/03/2007 13:27

i trust my husband completely with regards to infidelity but having tea in a widows house regularly would be too far for me and i would ask him to stop. my husband knoinw it would make me unhappy - would stop. why won't yours? for you?

overdraft · 23/03/2007 13:28

She is a woman who had her realationship with her husband sadly taken away from her.She will be feeling very lonely. She will be enjoying the attention from another man in her life.If left they will become closer and closer and she will become more dependent on him.She won't want to loose him. She has rung him when you are together.He may even at this point feel emotional torn between the two of you. Men like to be the hero.Here is this woman needing him and you at home seeming so strong.She may not be a bad person at all and she is just caught in it all. She will not be thinking of you at all.
How old is she do you know?

overdraft · 23/03/2007 13:30

Not meaning he is at it with her ,but he might not want to withdraw from her because she needs him

overdraft · 23/03/2007 13:31

At the end of the day your feelings come before hers and if he dosen't put them first then......

raspberryberet · 23/03/2007 13:31

NQC, I think the emotional support that this woman is looking for is probably more than just "being friends". She has lost her partner and seems to me that she's looking for someone to be emotionally and practically reliant upon.

Friendship is all very well, but an emotional involvement on this level is inappropriate when it's a married man with children she's looking to for it - and when it stops him being there for his family.

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:31

I'm not sure, I've seen a picture of her maybe 40 - 45 no more I wouln't think, she isn't ugly and she isn't a stunner just your average woman.

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keeplaughing · 23/03/2007 13:32

i don't understand why he would lose it and go out. If it's all so innocent he should be making you feel ok about it, I think its so patronising saying you've got a touch of the green eyed monster [angry. did he pat you on the head as well??

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 13:33

agree with Ifonlyhewould. It's her I wouldn't trust too. Meeting you won't make a difference, if she has her sights on him seeing you and your family won't make her feel any less for him, it never does to these people. In fact she'll probably crave him more, so she can have the comfort and security you have.

He has to choose. Either respect your wishes, cool things off, be her work colleage, have a polite friendship, and no more. Or he continues to see her, go out of his way to give her lifts, lie to you, and visit her home... then you have your answer xx

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 13:34

great post overdraft

noddyholder · 23/03/2007 13:34

If it is making you uncomfortable then that should be enough for him to stop it.She has lost her husband and is probably very vulnerable and at times like that emotions are all over the place.He should be at home with you instead of at hers if he has any free time.His actions are making you feel suspicious and this is a feeling that can stay with you for a long time.I would be surpised if it was totally platonic(sorry)as I'm sure at least one of them must have considered the possibility of taking it further.He should respect you enough to make your feelings a priority x

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:34

I agree with the fact its not about sex and Ive said this to him I do not think he would go that far but he doest seem to think that you can have an affair without sex sometimes that comes far later on down the line.

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Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:38

He lost it and ran out because thats what immature men do when they are forced to face things they don't want to. Then they blame you!!
I think your DH is avoiding the real issue and making this your problem rather than his. The only reason he wouldn't end this little set up is because he doesn't want to.

Be prepared for him losing it and running out on you again. Whatever you do, stay strong and stand your ground! We do not want to see you posting a thread 'my husband has left me for his colleague'
This needs nipping in the bud now! Whether he likes it or not!

Sobernow · 23/03/2007 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:40

an emotional affair can be just as dangerous as a sexual affair

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2007 13:43

You know, the potential for an affair is just one aspect of this. I'd be miffed if my DH was going round to see his own brother if I was expecting him back for tea, and very very miffed if he was working round at anyone's house if there was anything left undone at ours. Here is the guy being off giving a friend a hand while his own family - surely his best friends in all the world? - are neglected. Calling it jealousy makes it sound bad, but it's a perfectly natural reaction.

JodieG1 · 23/03/2007 13:43

Emotional affairs are worse imo.

mylittlestar · 23/03/2007 13:44

Sobernow i think the chop his balls off comment means - don't stand for any messing around and the minute they have an affair/let you down, whatever, you make it clear you won't let them get away with treating you badly and you'll pack their bags and move on without them.

I don't think anyone means literally!!

Although I can't say I'm not tempted myself!!

Original poster

Dazie · 23/03/2007 13:44

I agree I have to stand my ground I cant change the way I feel, before when he has given lifts home to women I haven't been over the moon about it but he rang me when they were in the car, he told me he was giving them lifts but this time its different. He said do I need to give up that part of my job so you dont get jealous. I told him no thats not what its about at all.

OP posts:

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:46

Tell him you are not jealous, you are concerned that this could develop into something that may pose a threat to your marriage, especially as he seems so intent on not taking your feelings into account.

Sobernow · 23/03/2007 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ifonlyhewould · 23/03/2007 13:51

'chop off his balls' NOT specific enough??

hertsnessex · 23/03/2007 13:58

Re: chopping balls off:

id actually do it!!!! LOL

seriously:

i would take everything from him that he holds dear..........because in effect, thats what he would be doing to me.

and he knows it.....

bubblepop · 23/03/2007 14:30

hi, havnt read the whole thread but no, i would not be happy if my dh was becoming this familiar with a female colleague. you are not being daft. it could be that your dh is just a genuinely kind considerate person, but the danger is that he could be giving off the wrong signals without even realising it? i would tell him in no uncertain terms that you feel uncomfortable with the situation and if he values your feelings then maybe he can change some of his working arrangements;ie,ok give her a lift home if she's stuck but don't go into the house or work from her home.

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