Anyone else with a narcissistic mother?

[IDoDaChaCha]

Are you still in contact or no contact? What are the worst things theyve done/said? Would like to hear your experiences x

Yes, we are low contact. I've just spent the weekend with her at my choice because I needed childcare. She was horrid, entitled, the usual.

I know it isn't me. I cope.

Worst thing? Told me I was adopted because I didn't resemble my siblings. I look like my father, they look like her. She was adopted and always says how traumatic it was for her.

Jay, 'entitled' resonates with my NM. Using what hurt her most to hurt you, having told you how painful it is, just shows pain wilfully inflicted. My NM told me I'd accused my dad of sexual abuse when I was 6. I have no memory of this and don't believe her since she is a pathological liar. She also said my DD would be sexually abused in childcare when I was thinking of putting her in nursery instead of with NM.

My mother is narcissistic, I'm not sure going no is easy or the best course of action.

I talk to her regularly, but I removed myself emotionally, I no longer care what she thinks, says or does. She has no power over me.

I'm also suffering a narc mother

It's taken a lot of counselling and I now keep her at arms length. I do call her and send presents on Mother's Day & birthday, against my counsellors advice, however I now buy what I want rather than letting her tell me some ridiculous priced gift

Some classics include:

You'll never find anyone, you're not loveable and you don't want to be loved
There's something wrong with you, all you care about are your kids
I can still see fat under your arms (when I got back from the gym and she face timed)
No one will ever love you like I do
We're exactly the same you and me
Why won't you kiss me & hug me, there's something wrong with you

She's done some hideous things, slept with her best friends husband, hates my father for committing suicide and not 'providing' for her. Told people personal things about my relationships & life.

I'm much more savvy now

Hi Northern, is your NM involved in your family life? I don't care what my NM thinks but because she is involved in mine and DD's life (she spends weekends with DD) the proximity to her narcissistic games is stressful. I have no other family support, but nonetheless have considered no contact due to the more extreme examples of her narcissism.

Mozzchops, it's like a poisonous viper asking for a kiss I don't blame you! X

I've also done a lot of work lately on maternal & infant mental health and attachment

It explains a lot of my issues and why I am who I am because of my narc mother

You are totally right
I kiss clients, colleagues etc but my mother makes me recoil in horror

Mozzchops, do you ever feel like you won't be a good parent because she's forked you up too much? I nearly didn't try for a baby because I worried I'd turn into her.

I am no contact currently. Loving the silence but I'm sure I will crumble and reinstate contact at some point as I will be guilted into it. I think I'm quite brainwashed as the scapegoat to feel that whatever treatment I get I must deserve.

Worst comments? Goodness a lifetime of memories there.

"Oh you're actually quite clever aren't you? ". Said to me when I'd been dealing with complicated legal matters with her solicitor on her behalf because of course she is far too important and grand to deal with anything practical that might need a bit of thought.

And once when I had had my hair done and many family members were complimenting me she said "you're actually quite pretty aren't you?" But with such disdain.

I think these stuck with me because as a scapegoat, praise did not feature ever in my relationship with my mother.

Yes I do worry about totallly fucking up my dcs
However I try to be the complete opposite of her, I tell them I love them, how perfect they are, how clever they are - without wanting endless adoration in return
I go to concerts & events as she never did

I hope I'm doing ok, but I'm winging it

Babymama, it baffles me that other family members don't comment on the hideous things NMs say to their scapegoat children! Mine have even ignored me being slapped in the face in front of them. Do you have golden child/flying monkey siblings? My NM nearly destroyed my relationship with golden child younger sister: we didn't speak for 2.5yrs.

I'm nearly three years NC with my mother and as a result my father (he always takes her side). It took a lot of heartache to get to this point and although I know it's the right thing for me and my family I still don't find it easy. I long for the mother she could very occasionally be and would love to be able to share my DC's achievements with her.

Examples of why I have gone NC with her are her emotional cruelty, she told me I must've been starved of oxygen at birth as I didn't react in the way she thought I should, called me pizza face when I was suffering from acne as a teenager, picked holes in my friendships/relationships, repeatedly threatened suicide if things didn't go her way. There was also some physical abuse where both she and my father would take turns in smacking me if they felt I'd behaved badly.

I had hoped that age and becoming a grandparent would mellow her but unfortunately this wasn't the case. Neither of my parents can accept that they've ever done anything wrong and believe that I am now being deliberately cruel in depriving them of a relationship with their grandchildren.

Ah, Mozzchops I think your NM is right - all you care about is your kids and it's heart meltingly lovely

Yes. We are nc and it's bliss. Recommend it.

I went to counselling with my mother to try to improve our relationship. When she counsellor said "for fuck sake" to her I knew it was a lost cause then I went nc.
Ivan choose not to have the aggravation in my life, I have made that choice and it's so much better.

Glue, must have been really hard with suicide threats. Sounds like you're doing the right thing being NC. Seems especially cruel showing you she could be motherly but purposely withholding that x

Glue what awful things to say
How are these women so cruel??
I can't imagine saying anything to deliberately hurt my dcs

My mother threatened suicide or a nervous breakdown for years
I think she's pissed off my father stole her thunder

Thank you OP I'm not super parent but I hope they know they're loved

It seems so many of us didn't get that, or if we did it came at a price

2014 I think my counsellor would punch my mother if we ever went to counselling together

2014, wow for a counsellor to snap like that your NM must be a piece of work! I went to initial therapy session with my NM and every time I tried to talk about an occasion or event she had hurt me she'd interrupt with 'what about when I did nice things, took you to the park etc'- the counsellor told her that every time she did that, it was like she was hurting me all over again now. She just looked at them blankly. Later before dropping me off home she said 'I don't believe in therapy anyway'.

Mozzchops, it used to make me cry seeing mums be loving towards their children, the pain was so raw. When I had DD it got better as I poured love into her. Now I enjoy seeing other loving mums, it doesn't cut too deep any more x

I don't understand how people can be so cruel to the most precious thing in the world. I certainly couldn't do it to my DC. I think my mother is a very unhappy person and rather than trying to seek counselling for this tried to make everyone around her unhappy too. It was only since being an adult that I found out from relatives that she'd always been like this. I still find it hard that my father never stood up to her.

I have narcissistic parents, my mum loads the bullets and he fires them. Recently he justified their behaviour by saying they behaved as if disgusted by me as a child because I was disgusting. I work in CAMHS, and in the same conversation said my job was pointless because the families are 'scum'.

What is interesting is that this outburst followed me emotionally detaching- staying in contact but just not engaging in the usual cycle of provocation / reaction and giving them the bare minimum information (which always used to rebound). I reckon it was just an escalation of their usual behaviour. It has made me wonder if nc is the only option, or if they will 'burn out'.

I feel like I am becoming less and less tolerant as my kids grow up. Each stage feels like revisiting it all over again and I get angry about stuff that in their mind should be long forgotten.

Faintly, what a cruel thing for your parents to say. It's abuse. I literally have one way of 'controlling' my NM's bad behaviour towards me: threatening NC with DD. I did this for 6mths so she knows I'm serious now. Although we're entering new territory in that my parents are buying a house for us to live in and signing the deeds to me (an inheritance tax thing) - the house will be nearer to NM. I know she'll be angling for a key, especially given I'm trying for another baby next year. Feels like she's getting her claws in deeper and that's when they attack, so I'm nervous. But a home of our own is too important to turn down...