Anyone else with a narcissistic mother?

[IDoDaChaCha]

Are you still in contact or no contact? What are the worst things theyve done/said? Would like to hear your experiences x

OP there's not a big enough house in the world that I would accept from my mother
Have you thought about the consequences of this?
You will be in debt to her in more ways than one

Mozzchops, that's exactly what I was thinking. It's another way of controlling someone and if OPs mother is like mine she'd constantly be reminded of the fact they have bought them a house and be made to be grateful for this. OP I'm sure you've thought carefully about this, but please really think this through. Do you have a DP, what do they think?

No contact.

Told my 16 year old sister, and the rest of us siblings,she had lung cancer so sister didn't go move out to live with her boyfriend, so she could keep claiming benefits for herself.

Can't bring myself to say the absolute worst she did, but it was bad.

trigger warning

I have one. I am adopted. My NM has caused me so much trauma and pain I don't know where to begin. Most days I struggle to push out the flashbacks and horrible memories out of my mind all caused by her. I was set up to fail at 17 by both of my parents (they are both narcs). It's a long story.

My NM remarried a wealthy man and loves rubbing her money in everyone's face and only cares about their two homes, etc. It's exhausting. She likes reminding others that she has more.

She spent my whole life trying to tell me my likes and dislikes, what career I "don't want" to go into, and generally making up my mind for me. I'm early 30s now and just now I'm starting to get a real grasp on my own sense of identity. but it isn't easy because I still find myself questioning myself and who I am. She was horribly abusive to me both emotionally and physically. When I confronted her about slapping me in the fact repeatedly growing up, she said she "did it once and was so horrified" that she "immediately went and called a psychiatrist." WHAT!? Who does that???

Then she tried to say that I hit her when I was a teen. NO. I never laid a hand on that woman. I was TERRIFIED of her. I have memories of cowering in the corner of the room afraid of her with her coming at me and WHAM! smack in face. I have TMJ issues because of her. She seems to have conveniently forgotten this stuff. It makes me feel ill when I get these flashbacks.

There is more I could list. It is a daily struggle to just try and get through the day and not think of the pain she has caused. Is it crazy that I tell myself "Today is going to be a good day. Calm down. You don't have to see or speak to her today!"

And to think I got her a nice mother's day gift.

Me too! I've been NC with my mother for nearly three years, and was LC fit about 7 years before that.

When my first dd was born, NM took to wearing her old breastfeeding tops whilst babysitting. It later occurred to me that she had been paranoid my dd wasn't getting enough milk from me and had decided to take matters into her own hands - Does that win some kind of NM prize?

When I told her my ex had been abusive she said I was an 'unreliable witness', then proceeded to bombard ex with texts asking him if it was true (because nothing I say is true unless a man corroborates it). She told me if it was true then I probably deserved it -- but she doubted it was true because if taken too long to tell her about it. When I went NC she took to turning up unannounced on my doorstep and just peering in silently. Because, you know - that's normal behaviour, isn't it? Or if it isn't, it doesn't matter, because it's 'only User' so the usual social conventions need not apply.

Mine is an engulfing narcissist so I spent most of my life thinking we were really close and always putting her first in everything. Once I moved away and got married the shit started to hit the fan bit by bit. She kept upping the ante and eventually overplayed her hand so much I saw her for what she was.
We have been totally NC since the end of 2014. It's not easy, but it's better than having her in my life.

The older I get and the more I speak to people of a similar age to myself I am 56 I realise how awful my childhood was and how neglected and mistreated i was.....I don't speak to my mum about it as she is always far to interested in how bad her childhood was....when I used to try and discuss it with her when I was younger she would always change everything around so that I would land up feeling sorry for her ....if I talked to her when I was unhappy about anything she would just say ....well girl you made your bed lie in it....my father is dead now....she is very lonely and sad....I do try and empathise with her to a degree but wish I had the courage to say...oh well mum you made your bed now YOU BLOODY WELL LIE IN IT.....only I don't have the courage

Mozz and Glue, I know. The majority of the investment is from my dad so there's not much leverage there financially (they're divorced and she hates him). It's more her becoming more involved in our daily lives re living closer and getting her feet under the table emotionally. Now I know this sounds harsh but, she won't live forever. She's nearing 60 and has had some health problems. While she's still around I've decided to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight and take her help with childcare, the house and just be happy and contented when she does pop her clogs. A friend told me 'it gets easier when they (the abusive parent) die'. I think I have the emotional disconnect some others who remain in contact have- we remain in contact but couldn't give a monkeys about them. She enjoys exerting control over me (what narcissistic parent doesn't!) but as she ages her control dwindles. She has a physical disability now and has started saying she is 'scared' of me, when she was violently abusive to me growing up. I don't mind, I have no relationship with her side of the family so I don't care what she says to them. When the deeds are signed over to me I can go no contact if I want... It's an option and she'd have no legal recourse to challenge it

Sounds like she will hang the house over you op

Final no contact for two years after I was summoned for a 'my way or the highway ' lunch. I chose to walk and have no intentions of ever going back.

One of the worst things she did was not giving me sanitary towels when I started my periods as a punishment. Struggled with toilet paper for the first few months.

Upside of NC is golden child brother will actually have to work for his inheritance. She's going to be one hell of a peach in old age. 😀

User149, I've gone way past that point with my NM emotionally. I lay it out to her emotionlessly, factually. That if she wants to play hardball- I will. She knows any emotion towards her has dried up and died. She knows I don't love her. And I don't care what she thinks. I ignore her as she prattles on and a part of me is slightly aware of her voice faltering into the distance... I let her know in many ways how little she means to me. This doesn't cause any real problems between us because it's my DD she is interested in, not me. When DD was born it broke my heart to see there was no love for me but there was love for DD as there is for my golden child sister. But I've accepted and moved on. MY family is me and DD (and hopefully new baby next year). I'm close to my dad, but that's it. When he's no longer around I'll consider myself an orphan. Don't let the biatch grind you down...x

Dacquoise, that is disgusting abuse. Shame on her.

Some women shouldn't be mothers should they?

The really sad thing is they never experience the unconditional mother child bond. Their loss. You have to pity them really

Left me at a derelict building and told me it was the naughty girls home. I was threatened with this being my new home if I ever misbehaved. ☹️ That's not the worst but others are identifying.

We've been NC at my doing for 7 years. I could never envisage seeing her again. I'm glad her vile behaviour doesn't impact on the life I've created with DH for our DCs.

When I was young she and my dad got a family dog a spaniel....decided after about a month they didn't want it anymore so gave it away to a lovely old couple who had just lost theirs so all good...a week later decided they wanted it back so we all had to get in a taxi and go and see them to get her back.....I felt so sorry for them....they then decided they isn't want her again and had her put to sleep....didn't even offer her back to the old couple....they then got another dog same thing dog put to sleep...they then got another dog I had left home by then couldn't wait to get out....gave it away to my sister...asked my mum the other day where the dog had gone to ....replied dont know and don't care. I have 2 golden retrievers and had 1 who passed away with cancer. I was never allowed and still not now allowed to visit the family shitty maisonette and bring any of my dogs with me. Therefore I refuse to go there i love my dogs sooooo much more than my parents I hope they go to Hell abd burn for how cruel they are

User, that is so sad! I wish I wouldn't have read your post because I'm in tears now but at the same time I really feel horrible for you and sending you hugs. Animals are what have always got me through the darkest hours and I love them so much. Those poor dogs! What an awful childhood memory to have. I can't believe they asked the old couple for the dog bag and had her put to sleep. 😢 I'm so sorry.
Don't mean to sound weird, but I really hope that your golden retrievers are somehow reincarnated as those childhood dogs you had. And of course you love them more than your awful parents. Those horrible people don't deserve to know you.

Not a day goes by without me remembering bad stuff about her ...I wish I could have her erased from my thoughts as it def effects my everyday life....it was quite funny really the other day she said she wanted to have an 80th birthday party....poor me she said I have never had a party for myself in my life..,.forgetting that she spent her 13th birthday at Windsor Castle....and forgetting that not once did she organise any kind if birthday celebrations for myself or my sister..,.I said oh that will be nice....thinking to myself this is the woman who can't be arsed to wash her own clothes got rid of the washing machine and gets my sister to do it,,,,,doesn't do housework or ironing and anything to do with the garden this has been since she was 53 years of age....god knows how she will be able to arrange a party lol....I of course will find a suitable excuse not to be there. This is the woman who got me to stand in jumble sale queues to save her place and try to get as near to the front as possible so as to buy clothes for us children while she always wore her Chanel Number 5 and he had his Rolex watch...spent most of thier money on fags and gold label cans of barley wine and were forever rowing and then moving house within half a mile of the old one they had sold that was in a worse state than the previous one. Such a bad chaotic lifestyle to even think about bringing children into ....anyway roll on the party as she has about 3 friends hangers on more like and doesn't speak to her side of the family...it will be a very small occasion...I def will not help out in organising it....and to be honest she is to bloody lazy to do it I think it was just another of her oh poor me what a bad child hood I had.

Hi yes I've been LC for a while. I've had bouts of NC at all. But I'm in contact now with her for my own sanity.

Erm. Worst things shes done? There's a long list. Completely blanking her 80yo mum who visited her in hospital every day for ten weeks. Her Dad told her she never wanted her and she deludely believed it. Despite my lovely grandmother who never swears or raises her voice scoffing and declaring "that's bollocks" when told.
She lies a lot and if you stay in contact with them you have to learn to grown a very thick skin.

Worst thing she's done to me? Ringing social services (it came to nothing) because she didn't believe DS was autistic - it was simply a case of I couldn't cope.

Other things. Having a massive strop on the ward one day when I was in hospital very poorly (asthmatic). Reason for the strop? She hadn't been told. Reason she hadn't been told. The A&E Nurse rang her to say how worried they were for me and she told them she's going home to have her lunch first! example of a lie they tell, my dear friend who takes no shit off no one, gave her a few quid to go and get herself a cuppa to calm down whilst she sorted me out, (I was in with breathing problems and was in hysterics after the outburst), she told her friends that my mate 'banished her from the ward'. She'd have deserved it, but it's not what happened. Deleting an entire piece of university coursework that was due in the next day because I hadn't asked her use her computer. That one took some explaining to the lecturer! oh and ignoring her best friend who ess dying of cancer, she didn't believe she had it because of how quickly she deteriorated even though we'd watched out relatively young uncle (in his 50s) deterioate and pass away pretty rapidly upon finding out he had lung cancer.

I find I have to be in a food place to deal with her as it can be emotionally draining. She's recovering from an op at the moment and i recently went down to help. She had carers in place with me not being 100% and the test of the family working days or nights, but she's already sacked half of them. I ended up going down and helping at her request. Did my back in. Made myself poorly by going out in the rain to get her shopping. Dropped her meds off at the chemist and nearly made myself late for school run. She text me when I got home to say how lovely it was of one of her church mates to pop by, not even a 'thanks for today pixies'.

My Dad has currrently banned me from going to visit at least until I'm better now!

If you're going to stay in contact, dont treat her like a child she isn't, but do try to ignore the attention seeking bits. The attention seeking bits involve trying to start an argument too (bad attention is still attention) Google narcissism and enablers etc etc. I've found DM is at her worst when she's with her enablers. They're her crutch. They dont care about being called out, you wont change their view. They believe they're right and they're the victim and it's everyone else who is at fault. You'd just drive yourself mad trying to get her see the error of her ways.

But I'm in contact now with her for my own sanity.

Sorry. Feel like I need to explain this bit. Shes a brilliant grandmother (now!) and the DCs love her to pieces. I want them to know that I always did what I felt was right. My sister did the same. Her eldest DC is NC with her because he's not stupid he remembers everything. Her youngest is an absolute darling and will help anyone readily.

Some women shouldn't be mothers should they?

No they really shouldn't. My BF ended up becoming a Mother way before her years when their mother kicked her very young teenage sister (11/12) out on the streets 'because she couldn't cope'. If it wasn't for my BF that girl would have been brought up in care.

All these years later and their Mum still tells her friends "I don't know what it is I'm supposed to have done!".

My mother is a narc. We have been NC for nearly 2 years and the silence is wonderful. Although, to get here properly I had to cut off my entire family and move house. Was still worth it.

The list of things my mother has done over the years is long (she is also a functional alcoholic). But she stopped me from seeing my grandmother as a child, the only person who actually gave a shit about me, because my grandmother refused to pay off her catalogue debt for the fourth time. My grandmother eventually took her to court for access but my mother removed me from the country. Years later my mother informed me that my grandmother had accused her of sexual abuse against me. No such thing, just her warped mind coming out to play.

Have narcissistic mother and only recently read up on narcissism. It really explains the cold behaviour, it has messed me up and I'm always second guessing myself all the time. Is anyone here from Devon? be good to meet up with other people in same boat perhaps form support group?

My mother wrote to the GP telling him I was mad and needed putting away. I was 17 and I had finally snapped. Slapped her back when she tried yet again, to beat me black and blue (wrong I know) and left home. She telephoned me later that evening to ask who was going to babysit my siblings that night. She didn't cook, unless it was fancy to impress the latest (in a very long line) chap. She didn't do housework, washing, ironing. In fact was rather like stbxh. I went nc on and off during my twenties, but the final straw was when she sent one of my twins a birthday card and money, with a note telling her she was prettier, cleverer than the other and to contact her when she fancied a trip. Dd rang her, put her on speaker phone and told her exactly where to get off. I was so proud. Mother had already done this to my sister and I and was angry that we'd finally (after 20 odd years) got together, compared notes and realised what had happened. The no contact is bliss. I no longer have to hear her whine about how awful everyone else is, how crap everyone else is at life, how thick everyone else is in comparison to her. It's peaceful, quiet bliss.

Best thing I ever did was to move away from where she lives about an hours drive from me.... Now she is on her own as my dad died 7 years ago...wasn't invited to his funeral but allowed to go when they buried his ashes...my sister helps her out as lives locally but she has her own responsibilities so can't do that much...she said to me that at some stage I will need to help out....sorry mum I have a husband, home, job and 2 dogs to look after so don't think I will be able to do much...I have told her she Might have to look at some outside help or look to move to some sheltered accomodation....I was told in no uncertain terms she will never move anywhere else and intends to stay where she is...soooo looking forward when she realises that I will never help her....as far as I am concerned she is on her own in getting older and I will not put myself out for her ever....I know this may seem very harsh but as she loves her old sayings...YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW....she has over the years sown the seeds of utter contempt for her

Writing this makes me realise how much I missed having a nice caring mother ...,how sad