Anyone else with a narcissistic mother?

[IDoDaChaCha]

Are you still in contact or no contact? What are the worst things theyve done/said? Would like to hear your experiences x

Narcissistic mother, no contact for last 3 years. My lovely mother:

Has never praised me for anything. I started my own business whilst a single mum of 2 - she makes a point of praising everyone I work with constantly. But not me.

Hates women. They're all bitchy, ugly, fat, whorish, sly.
She was apoplectic about Carol Vordermann. Won't say what she says about young slim women. Watching TV alongside her when women come on screen = nightmare.

Comes to life when men are around (including mine & my sister's partners). Sparkly, smiley, witty - and over talking so no-one else can get a word in edgeways to the point of embarrassment.

Used to steal clothes I'd bought DDs from my home as she didn't approve of my clothing choices for them. When my DDS liked clothes I'd bought them she was visibly annoyed.

Tried to palm off tinned junky food on me for DDs - she'd stick in cupboard then sneakily tell them she'd left treats.

Took pleasure in crowing on and on and on when I put on weight. Developed a habit of prodding my stomach and smugly smiling till I told her to fuck off with that. I don't like her touching me at all.

Just thinking I don't ever remember her hugging any of her children.

Happy when my relationship broke down. Would land here talking about it gloating until I wanted to jump out of windows. Or push her out.

Told my DCS I was lazy and always sitting around and not as good a mother as others

She adores my younger brother. He used to revel in being pampered but now grown, is resentful of way she manipulated her children and engineered fallouts

Dislikes my older brother. I think as he reminds her of my dad. As soon as we were all grown my dad left. Elder brother has heart condition she's not been to see him and his lovely DCS at all.

I don't know why I didn't go NC with her years ago. I gave her too long to turn my DDs against me, with the eldest it almost worked. Me & DD have talked about that and are fine.

She is close to my DDs, spoils them. Even tho theyre grown now. I don't mind. But they're very aware of what she's like...I marvel at how they can just say oh don't be silly nan, laugh at her and take the wind out of her sails. Different for them tho as she's not their mum they didn't have the pleasure of being raised by her.

They do stand by me, we are very close thankfully.

There are loads of other things I've not listed. Despite being glad I never have to set eyes on her again, I do still think 'wow' when I see or hear of other women who have lovely and loving mothers. I'm happy I'd never make my DDs feel bad, that we have a good and happy relationship. Which my mother can't stand. She also hates that me and younger brother are close. She'd put a spoke in that if she could.

She's recently started sending me Christmas and birthday presents via DDs. I'm not getting roped in again. Never really made a list of her ways before I'm not sure whether it's liberating or disconcerting. But the happiness of a peaceful life knowing I'm never going to come across her again unless I want to (I don't) trumps all that. I wouldn't want all the good people I now have in my life to come across her either.

I'm low contact with mine. Would love to be non contact but the guilt is just far too great.

Mine kicked me out at 15 and told everyone I ran away. Takes any opportunity to remind me that I'm a disappointment compared to my siblings. I'm a disappointment because i escaped. And like everyone else here there is many, many other examples.

I find it embarrassing that she's like that. Other people don't understand what it's like to be subjected to that sort of abuse. At times I think friends think I'm overreacting. But I'm not.

I worry that one day she's going to die. I'll be free of it then but I also will lose any chance of having a normal mother. That I think is going to be very hard to deal with.

I am no contact with my NM alcoholic mum. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I get married in 4 weeks and she isn’t invited. Too risky as to the horrors she may display, overly weepy and drunk, embarrassing behaviour, racist comments etc. She did this at my brother’s wedding, stole people’s drinks and had to be taken away crying in a taxi after my dad (long divorced) made a speech.

I know I am going to be a bit sad at some point on the day but I have tried so hard to fix our relationship but I can’t. I cannot forgive her for calling me a whore (when I was single and had a few one night stands after being in a 14 year relationship with my DC’s dad), for saying I am a crap mum, that I have no morals, that I made up my rape aged 17 to try and copy her (WTF?), and that I made everything up about my sad neglectful childhood. She thinks she was and is a perfect mum and that I am mental. She tried to split up my fiancée and I, but it didn’t work.

I nearly fell out with both my brothers over this as they get on fine with her as they were treated differently by her and left home very young to escape. Counselling really helped. I can’t believe how common these awful mothers are.

Pretty sure my mother is a total narcissist. My sister and I have confronted her about it recently and she says she knows shes "fucked up" but as she always has an excuse readily available I think its all talk. Everything including what happens to other people is about her. She is without a doubt the most selfish self obsessed person I know.

Worst thing she's done to me other than battering me black and blue regularly as a child: "wondering aloud" to my sister if actually I wound my now ex partner up and that's why he abused me, and me and my kids ended up in a refuge and he's considered too dangerous to see them without supervision.

Just to be clear,my ex regularly raped me for years, sexually exploited me in various other ways and was abusive in every other way you can think of too. but mostly sexual. My mother knows this. And she still thinks I wound the poor lamb up. I'm not even angry with her. Possibly because I'm not shocked she thinks that way. I'm disappointed in her and let down by what a total utter useless backstabbing cunt she is.

She is kept well at arms length while I think about what I want to do long term.

I think all the people who are posting on this thread need to give ourselves a huge hug one of many we missed out on growing up.....I have been going more and more no contact with my mum ....my husband keeps telling me to have nothing to do with her as all she does is make me feel bad no matter how hard I try and after listening to you all and realising that its not only me who feels this way I am going to do the no contact thing as I really believe my life and mental well being would improve thanks for telling your stories nice to know I am not alone with this

Thank you to everyone who posted I'm grateful for your stories and give you all a big virtual hug! X I realised my NM knows my username so have requested this thread be hidden as I've mentioned death and no contact and if she was to see that it would be world war 3 ha. If anyone else wants to continue the conversation on a new thread I'd be happy to participate xxx

LittleMy, she sounds like a horror. I was also drawn to abusive men after abusive childhood. It becomes a pattern xx

OP Goodness I hope they hide the thread for you. Maybe just change your username? Just know there are lots of us out there. Survivors of NM I mean. I think we hopefully all make pretty good mothers as we know exactly what not to do.

Yep mine is rotten to the core my dad left age 5 and she beat me because I looked like him she told me age 10 when I had been raped by a family member I was a dirty Slag and I asked for it she always had lots of male friends we would frequently run off from one end of the country for these men I've been no contact for 2 years the final straw was my children aget 6 and 4 were staying at hers narcissists love young kids they are a captive audience then she allowed a man she had never met to spend the weekend with her check out lighthouse blog it's very useful xx

NC for 8 years now. Like others on here never had any praise, emotional abuse picked away at what little self esteem I had. Constant critism nothing I did was ever good enough compared to my golden child brother.

In a letter she told me I made her feel she was beneath me even as a child wtf?!! I was an independent child, which little girl isn't, I was clever, I think she felt threatened by it. She felt jealous I had gone to university yet to everyone else she is so proud that I was the first one in our family to go to uni and that we are so close. She wanted my brother to go to uni not me.

There's a lot more really nasty things she's done and said I'm so glad I'm NC now, I don't miss her but I miss having a normal mum.

Armychef30
I can't beleive this. Did she allow the man to say when you children was staying there too?

Yes she did after what hado happened to me as a child Imay so so cautious of who I allow alone with my children so that was the absolute final straw he stayed in her house the whole time they were there

Armychef30
Good on you. Much better without her. Was it one of her male friends that done it to you? Who she would have staying over.
You are so strong. Good on you for getting away from her.

Armychef30
Sorry just noticed it was a family member. Was he you age or an adult? Not that it makes a diffrence. Her comment was disgusting.

Only invited my mother because my father died 2 weeks before wedding. Never congratulated me on my degree and post grad ( entirely self financed). Humiliated me when bf failed to collect me for date. Never visited me once in the city where I attended university ( though she was there with her lover ). Told every detail of my illness to my nemesis ( useful in legal case I am building - not !) humiliated me in front of family ... have cut her out without regret . Strength gets stronger ...

It was one of her boyfriends sons he was 18 and I was 8 tried to go to the police as an adult as again she let me down by not reporting it when I told her it took a lot but finally my family are away from her

im the scapegoat child. unfortunately for her my half sister has given up with her now and after a bad depressive episode where i tried to kill myself her response was.....oh you weren't sectioned well my husbands dads dog works for nhs or whatever and that would never happen nothing said about omg i hope youre ok and then said she was off to the shops. i just blocked her from everything i have dvt at the moment and could have died but i doubt she would have cared. she only spoke to me because my half sister doesnt. she told me many lies about her first husband which my half sister was furious about as he raised her while she had an affair with her second husband. she is married to hubby number 3 at the moment who has a son. she of course is the loving step mum. i only spoke with her really on my birthday for the obligitary 10 minutes. it's made me love my adoptive family even more .

The worst thing I can remember is how, when I was about 13, she told me that while I was at school she went round the house and sprinkled holy water in every room because I "brought evil" into the house.

There's more. Much more. But that was the most screwed up thing she said to me for sure.

I'm NC with mine.
She's done a lot of selfish things, but the piece de resistance was at my wedding which I had invited her to against my better judgment. She tried to hijack my bridesmaid (who she had never met before that day) to ditch me after the ceremony and go to the pub with her instead.

Mine is my mother-in-law not my own mum.

MIL has caused so much damage to my DH that he has an ocd which really effects his life. He has very few friends (because he doesn't trust anyone) does not currently work as the washing has taken over his life, etc, etc. MIL regularly tells my DH she only had him so he could look after her

Things MIL has said/done to me:

1. told me many times how much she would like to have big, fat arms like mine (disclaimer I'm a size 16 so not that fat thanks).
2. stopped us having an engagement party (years ago) because she wanted to get her teeth done before she could be in any photos !!
3. cried all day and told me I had taken her son away from her on my wedding day.
4. ripped up a card DH brought me and posted it through my letter box in an attempt to make me think it was my DH's work.

I have no contact with her now but DH can't break away from her, he rings her twice a day, every day even if we are abroad on holiday as he is too scared not to. If DH doesn't ring her she will ring our neighbours and demand that they knock on our door.

She is the bane of my life.

So relieved to see threads about narcissistic nasty mothers. My mum started early:
Your teachers say you're really naughty (after parents' eveing when I was six)
You've got round shoulders and flat feet (when I was 10)
You look about 10 (when I was 14)
You ruined my life - when I was 16 found out my parents had to get married because my mum was preg. Mum clearly not happy.
I had meningitis when working on a campsite in France when I was 20. I was put onto a terminal ward in a French hospital. My parents knew but didn't come to see me.
Look at the size of you compared to me (when I was 27 - I was 8 stone and she was 6 stone 1 - she told me precisely)
On my wedding day I was 6 stone 11 and so wanted to please her. She pushed me off the scales to show she was 6 stone (precisely).
It must be like carrying round 2 sacks of potatoes - about my overweight-ness
Not interested in my daughter, her first grand child. Moved to their villa abroad for 3 months 2 days after she was born. Mother would phone me with laughter in background, having a fun time.
There's loads more. I've put up with it for years.
After the last barrage of insults towards me we're not speaking but she's phoning my brothers to say how hurt she is. Nothing about me.
Anyway thanks for reading, I could go on. I hate that it still gets to me.

I so empathise x

Oh and look at the state of you. We can't believe you're our child you're so awful and can you come through the back door so neighbours don't see you. Sorry I'm on a roll. I did really well at school, went to a good university, never in trouble, constantly trying to please parents. Not good enough. I'll shut up now x

@jayho How can you make out that your mum is all that is bad when you clearly stated that when you need DC babysat you will spend a weekend at her house. Is that not a bit two faced and abusive? Also if she is s horrible why are you leaving your DC with her?
It all rather comes over as you use your mum when it suits you

I have one and could write a very long post about her!
I work with vulnerable children and she often tells me how shocked she is that some people treat their children so badly that my services are needed..hilarious, she was so controlling, nasty and abusive.
I was slapped for no reason, told constantly she didn’t give birth to me for me to not make her proud, I was useless because I didn’t go to uni, if I had male friends I was a slag, said nobody would want me unless it was just for sex, said if only get anywhere in life if I married a doctor/lawyer, I was a nanny and she said she was too embarrassed to tell her friend, why can’t I be more like x’s children etc.
Needless to say, my first relationship was very abusive, my second one was scarily controlling and in my marriage my husband cheated..I never thought I deserved anything else.
If I ever had the courage to remind her of her behaviour she would deny until she was blue in the face, she has an amazing ability to get people to take her side, she tells people we are like best friends
She tells me constantly my children are the only good thing she has in her life and so I try to protect them from her now.
We are low contact now purely because after 40 years I gained the courage to move my family away, the guilt I’ve had to put up with is horrendous!
I looked up the FOG and realised I was also projecting it onto my children..eg, asking them to put their feelings for her aside and be loving and nice to her otherwise I’ll get loads of grief.
We keep her at arms length and it’s only because I miss my dad that I keep that low contact, I’d only see him if I had to go to them..if/when one day he isn’t here I imagine contact will stop completely.
for everyone with a nm xx