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Original poster

life after divorce.... me and kids moving in with partner

98 replies

lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 14:03

Hi everyone, my deal is that after 4 years of being a single parent to 2 overly energetic and demanding youngsters - I've met a wonderful man who wants us to live with him - all good up till there !

He has 2 kids, same ages, a very healthy income and a large house, that he owns. Questions arose about who will pay what when we live together.... I'd mentioned paying him a 'rent' of £1000 a month and half of the food and cleaning bills for the house. Personally I thought this was fairly decent given he earns 3 times my salary, plus I have no rights to the house and we have no official ties.

When I mentioned these amounts his reply was '...and the bills?' I feel a bit like the lodger after him saying this. I hastened to mention that I was already paying 1000 EUR a month and that everything I put into the house in terms of work and effort to spruce things up and decorate would remain in HIS house should we part.

Is it me ? Am I being unrealistic ?

So difficult to know what is right and wrong in such a situation..... anyone who's been in a similar situation -your words of wisdom would be wonderful ;-)

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 03/07/2017 14:05

Don't pay towards his mortgage! If he wants to add you to the deeds then pay him 50% of his mortgage but otherwise 50% of the running costs of the house and 100% of the expenses relating to your own children is reasonable.

TheNaze73 · 03/07/2017 14:08

I don't think he's being unreasonable.

teaandtoast · 03/07/2017 14:14

Sounds like he wants a lodger with benefits who will also do the housekeeping and child-wrangling!

Could you get/stay in your own place? Surely £1000 towards a property of your own would be better spent and be something to leave to your kids. Otherwise, would you have any claim on his property if you split years down the line?

Original poster
lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 14:16

.... it's a whacking big house... with a pool and tonnes of land, chickens..... I appreciate we'll be enjoying the 'fruits' of his good fortune so I kind of think I should contribute something.

I've also asked him to clean the house up and decorate cos it was in such a state... he agreed and put his money where his mouth is in terms of paying, but I'm helping enormously with all of that.

I thought a monthly payment seemed ok and of course, halves for all the food..... paying the bills as well just seemed a bit greedy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 14:19

teaandtoast - My own place is rented and costs me more but I love it. I don't have a big enough salary to buy what I'd like to live in and I'd never be able to afford a place on my own AND all the upkeep and alterations I'd want to make.

I wouldn't have a claim to anything years down the line but I realise I wouldn't be entitled to that whilst renting either.

OP posts:
Figaro2017 · 03/07/2017 14:20

so there will be four mouths to feed, four arses to shower and four people to swim in the pool? Three of those arses and mouths are your responsibility, but you're only paying half the food and possibly only half the bills?

Bargain.

wherearemymarbles · 03/07/2017 14:28

Well, depending on where it is, and assuming you are the uk, the house could be worth 7 figures i should think as a minimum.

Does he have a mortgage? And has his kids full time?

I dont think its too unreasonable but going forward you need to think about things like what he does with the house later, gives it to his kids etc.

Lovingitlovingit · 03/07/2017 14:33

I think you sound more than generous.

If someone moved in with me, I would expect them to pay half the rent and half the bills. If I had a mortgage or owned the house outright, I wouldn't expect anything towards that, not at this early stage of living together anyway.

Lovingitlovingit · 03/07/2017 14:34

What's the £1000 actually for? Does he have a mortgage?

teaandtoast · 03/07/2017 15:03

Isn't it 6 mouths, arses and pool swimmers, Figaro? If you read the op.

CheesesOfNazereth · 03/07/2017 15:06

If I had a mortgage or owned the house outright, I wouldn't expect anything towards that, not at this early stage of living together anyway

So she should just move her and kids in for free, and pay no housing costs? Why would anyone expect to live in someone elses house for nothing?

Bigger question is how long have you known him? Sounds fairly new.....

Figaro2017 · 03/07/2017 15:11

Apologies OP and teaandtoast. I missed he had kids as well.

That's far to many mouths and arses then, so half each!

JustArandomUser · 03/07/2017 15:12

Depends how much his mortgage and bills are.

Lovingitlovingit · 03/07/2017 15:33

No not living there for nothing but why would she pay rent if he doesn't pay rent?

I think Op should be paying towards the bills but she doesn't seem to have offered that.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2017 16:12

I think what you are offering sounds fair.
But I'd need to know his outgoings on the property as well.
But it is HIS properly.
It will never be yours or part yours so you shouldn't be helping with the mortgage.
Bills and food, yes, and I think that £1000 put other bits is OK.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 16:19

Thanks ladies.... clarification - he has 2 kids, so do I. He owns his house but recently had to buy out his ex-wife's half of the house.

The house was/is in a complete state. He pushed for me to move in, to which I said he'd need to get the house sorted and that I'd help him with a financial and physical contribution (hence the £1000 per month which covers his re-mortgage on the house to pay wife).

Since I pay more rent than that at the moment, and his house is fabulous, plus he's doing it up to my spec, I was happy to pay £1000. Going halves on the food and cleaning is perfectly normal for me.

OP posts:
SleightOfHand · 03/07/2017 16:48

I think I'd like to pay half bills and repairs/maintenance plus half the mortgage, at the end of the day I'd want to own 25% of it, obviously taking into account how many years you'd been paying it, if you were to split up. At least you'd have a bit of security.

SleightOfHand · 03/07/2017 16:50

Whatever you do, get your own solicitor.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 03/07/2017 16:55

So you're effectively paying his mortgage for him?

It does sound like he is being greedy.

It would be helpful to know his income, your income, and the mortgage.

Iflyaway · 03/07/2017 17:04

Somewhere in there you mention rent paid in Euros, so you are not in UK then I presume.

So firstly you need to know the law of the land in regards to your legal position when cohabiting.

Frankly, I wouldn't. (move in with him). As a single parent myself I would always want to have a roof over my and DC's head that is legally mine, whether rented or bought.

You have no way of knowing that this will work out in the long run.
And housing being what it is - difficult to get/expensive - you need security in case it all goes tits-up.

My neighbour/friend told me his mum remarried when he was 12. The marriage failed because the kids did not get on at all. Which made for an awful atmosphere in the home.

Anyway, I really do hope it works out for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2017 17:10

How long have you been together?.

I would postpone moving in and seek your own legal advice re cohabitation agreements in this country in the meantime. It will be money well spent. This could all go so very wrong very quickly and cohabitation splits can be very messy and protracted too.

Do not pay towards a mortgage (that is money you may never see again in the event of separation even with proof of payments) or any rental agreement that you yourself are not named on.

CheesesOfNazereth · 03/07/2017 17:11

No not living there for nothing but why would she pay rent if he doesn't pay rent?

Because its his house that he has paid for, and its not hers and she hasn't paid anything.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 18:37

We've been seeing each other for just over a year. I live in France and am not a youngster, I mean I had a mortgage with my kids' father. His house was paid for virtually but then he had to shell out to pay off his ex which was a large amount of money. He is normally very generous, pays for restaurants, food for me and the kids, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 18:39

For me to pay 50% of his house now (given he bought it 16 years ago) would be financially impossible.

OP posts:
CheesesOfNazereth · 03/07/2017 20:20

And not appropriate. But some people seem to think you should live in his house for free. If it was your house they would be calling him a cocklodger!