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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

life after divorce.... me and kids moving in with partner

98 replies

lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 14:03

Hi everyone, my deal is that after 4 years of being a single parent to 2 overly energetic and demanding youngsters - I've met a wonderful man who wants us to live with him - all good up till there !

He has 2 kids, same ages, a very healthy income and a large house, that he owns. Questions arose about who will pay what when we live together.... I'd mentioned paying him a 'rent' of £1000 a month and half of the food and cleaning bills for the house. Personally I thought this was fairly decent given he earns 3 times my salary, plus I have no rights to the house and we have no official ties.

When I mentioned these amounts his reply was '...and the bills?' I feel a bit like the lodger after him saying this. I hastened to mention that I was already paying 1000 EUR a month and that everything I put into the house in terms of work and effort to spruce things up and decorate would remain in HIS house should we part.

Is it me ? Am I being unrealistic ?

So difficult to know what is right and wrong in such a situation..... anyone who's been in a similar situation -your words of wisdom would be wonderful ;-)

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2017 16:46

OP said the house is in a state and it's him pushing for her to move in. Hence she wants the repairs to be sorted first.

Are YOU following the thread, instead of watching what I write? What she will be paying doesn't sound set in stone since he's asked 'and the bills...?

I don't want to shock you but huge houses in a state of disrepair very often uncover more and more work to be done hence more money paid out to facilitate. & people on Internet boards very often have different opinions/perceptions of a situation. Just the way it is

You must be The Appointed Reply Regulator of MN so i'll leave you to it

Changedname3456 · 04/07/2017 16:53

If you're renting now and what you end up paying to live in a much bigger house, with a pool etc, is LESS then it's a bloody bargain.

It doesn't matter whether he's paying a mortgage or not (although he is in this case) - why should anyone, woman or "cocklodger," get to cruise along on the back of someone else's hard work?

You're only slightly less secure than you'd be in a formal tenancy agreement, and plenty of renters get turfed out with little notice when their lease comes up and the landlord's decided they want to sell up. That's happened to a lot of my friends in the past.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 04/07/2017 16:55

And then unasked. You can reply with whatever you want but there seems little point if you haven't read or understood the thread and your replies therefore don't make much of a contribution.
Have at it though, it's your time to waste!

revolution909 · 04/07/2017 17:11

I would think you need some legal agreement. You're a lodger, and if you were to rent you would have rights. At the moment you have none

TatianaLarina · 04/07/2017 22:22

You will have absolutely no rights to your own house, he could throw you out on the street if he fancied. At least now you have a rental agreement.

No-one is suggesting you don't pay anything, simply that you don't pay his for his mortgage and house repairs.

The fact that he doesn't discipline his kids and you do is massive issue waiting to happen. His kids won't be happy about that once you live together.

LellyMcKelly · 05/07/2017 02:18

You've only been with him a year. I didn't even introduce my kids to my DP until we'd been dating for a year. It's no time. If it was just you I'd say 'go for it' with joy, but the kids are the most important people here. You're renting anyway, so moving in with him and paying rent there is no big deal in itself, but how does it impact on them - their education, friendship circle and hobbies? If it works for them then go for it.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 09:15

You will have absolutely no rights to your own house

It's not her house, it's his house. Of course she won't have rights to it, she knows that.

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 09:20

Again, thanks guys - I know not everyone will agree with my approach but then every situation is different.

Yes, a year is not a long time, but in that time we've virtually been living together anyway - every weekend we're at his Friday till Sunday night, living as a family. I treat his kids like I do my own. If they need reprimanding I don't hesitate, if they want a hug I give them a hug and a kiss. My kids adore him, both of them and he actually said he had the same love for my kids as he does his own.

My kids have begged me to move in with him. I wasn't going to let me kids decide my life so I waited. Just recently things clicked and it felt very right. His kids have also pushed for us to move in. When we're not together they constantly plague us both to tell them when we'll all be together again.

LELLY: all of those elements have been carefully considered re: kids education, hobbies etc. I've asked them how they feel, discussed things with their father - spoken to friends, spoken with my partner obviously.

And as regards what is the best scenario for the kids in the long run.... I cannot do everything as a single parent -physically, financially, emotionally it's very very hard. I also feel saddened that my kids don't get to live the family life I had and had dreamed of having for them. For them to see an example of two people loving and caring for each other and forming the basis of the family unit.

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 09:28

And once again, no it's not my house - I didn't buy it all those years ago and put in the legwork to renovate it.

Like I said, and this is my own personal choice, since I cannot afford to BUY the type of house I want to live in, I rent, at quite a price. But that represents my happiness NOW- even though financially its not the best bet.

I suppose the bottom line is: be happy or have money in the bank -one does not necessarily equate to the other in this context.

I could be living in a 2-bed bought apartment with no garden and no parking.... 20 years from now I'd have an apartment - but that life doesn't interest me.

I know I'll have a half decent pension and I also know I won't be living in a whacking big house come 65/70, so I'm quite happy to pay for mine and my children's happiness and comfort now.

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 05/07/2017 09:35

he loves my kids like his own. His kids have grown to love me

After less than a year?

You're living in cloud coukoo land.

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 10:02

SweetLuck: his words, not mine. He has no reason to lie to me about that. I've never asked him or pushed him to like my kids.

Bit skeptical of you to say that, when you don't know me. I've had huge life experience, been through a hell of a lot more than most people and managed to come out on top every time - because I don't live in a make-believe world - I'm extremely realistic.

I'm guessing you don't have kids or that you're not maternal. I say this because I've had close bonds with many children apart from my own and grown to love those children and it hasn't taken years to develop those feelings.

Again everyone's different - we're not, fortunately, carbon copies of each other.

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 05/07/2017 10:10

You're right, everyone is different. I think perhaps you and I would have different definitions of the word 'love'.

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 10:23

No, you and 'him'. HE said he loved my kids like his own - I never said that.

Just out of interest, how many kids do you actually have ?

OP posts:

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 10:26

I think perhaps you and I would have different definitions of the word 'love'.

Yes. And yours would be the 'right' one.

OP posts:

nigelsbigface · 05/07/2017 10:27

I would say you should be paying half of bills, half of food, some contribution towards living in the house. Difficult to arrive at an appropriate figure for that...normally I would say what's the bottom rate for equivalent rent you would be paying for similar living conditions? but as you have said the house is massive etc that won't work as you would be out of pocket.
Could you look at what you would need to rent as a minimum for you and the two kids, say two bed flats in your area, and use that as your base mark to arrive at a fair sum?

I can see it all as nothing but a positive-a new blended family that get on well, a nice big house for you to live in, you are better off as not paying as much rent (save the excess just in case something does go wrong perhaps?), he is Better off as he has half the bills paid, and some contribution towards his housing costs from you.
Win win for all really?

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 10:33

nigelsbigface - yes, that is exactly how I weigh up my own situation. If not, why would I contemplate moving in in the first place ?

What I'm paying him in 'rent' per month would get me an average 2-bed apartment in an ok area, without bills included.

And yes, this is no one-way street, I benefit and he benefits AND the children benefit.

Blended family life is no easy ride for sure - but does that mean I have to resign myself to a life of single-parentage from hereon out ? I think not ;-)

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 05/07/2017 10:37

I have one child, what does that have to do with anything?

misit · 05/07/2017 10:47

Sounds good to me, sounds "happy". If it all goes tits up you've lost nothing. If it all goes well you've hit the jackpot.

Enjoy your life lemon and good luck.

Original poster

lemonbabe · 05/07/2017 10:54

Awwwwhh thanks Misit, that's very sweet. Fingers crossed eh !!

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 05/07/2017 17:48

I've had huge life experience, been through a hell of a lot more than most people and managed to come out on top every time - because I don't live in a make-believe world - I'm extremely realistic

The one way of looking at it - another would be that you're living abroad in rented accommodation, struggling, you say, with single motherhood, two failed relationships behind you- the second of which (the divorcee) had no control over his kids, and it's difficult to see why you got into it in the first place. You're about to shack up with your third, after a year and take on his money pit of a house, without so much as a cohabitation agreement. What could go wrong eh?

If you think I'm being tough on you it's because I don't think you're being honest enough with yourself. These boards are littered with women who got into trouble after similarly floopy decisions billed as 'love'.

LadyLapsang · 05/07/2017 23:44

I think you are more than a little in love with the huge house and potential improved lifestyle - totally understandable. If it all goes pear shaped - perhaps 5 / 10 years down the line - you could be out with very little notice in your mid-50s. That sounds like a risk you are willing to take for yourself, but, if I have understood you correctly, your children are now embroiled in their third family "living together" situation. I think you should carry on dating him for now and delay moving in, but I don't think you will.

SweetLuck · 06/07/2017 12:43

If it all goes tits up you've lost nothing

Apart from a stable childhood for her kids.

starfishsilver · 06/07/2017 12:56

I was a single mum when I met my DH and I didn't move in with him until after we got married. I wanted the security of knowing we wouldn't lose our home if the relationship ended. We've combined our finances so I don't pay him anything directly in rent or for bills, it just comes out of our joint finances.

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