life after divorce.... me and kids moving in with partner

[lemonbabe]

Hi everyone, my deal is that after 4 years of being a single parent to 2 overly energetic and demanding youngsters - I've met a wonderful man who wants us to live with him - all good up till there !

He has 2 kids, same ages, a very healthy income and a large house, that he owns. Questions arose about who will pay what when we live together.... I'd mentioned paying him a 'rent' of £1000 a month and half of the food and cleaning bills for the house. Personally I thought this was fairly decent given he earns 3 times my salary, plus I have no rights to the house and we have no official ties.

When I mentioned these amounts his reply was '...and the bills?' I feel a bit like the lodger after him saying this. I hastened to mention that I was already paying 1000 EUR a month and that everything I put into the house in terms of work and effort to spruce things up and decorate would remain in HIS house should we part.

Is it me ? Am I being unrealistic ?

So difficult to know what is right and wrong in such a situation..... anyone who's been in a similar situation -your words of wisdom would be wonderful ;-)

ha ha ha ha ha CHEESES that is hilarious and I do agree with you ! I earn an income, I'm moving in with my kids - why would I not contribute to the house in which we live. It would have been strange that I pay the same as my current rent OR more, but I proposed this sum and it seems reasonable.

Cocklodger..... love it !!!!!!

How much does half the bills, mortgage, cleaning and food come too?

If nowhere near the amount you have offered then he is right to raise it.

A man would be called all sorts for expecting to love rent free with a token amount towards bills.

It'd be fanjolodger. Not that I think you're any of the sort.
What your OH is suggesting, I think is too much if you've got no security. I think if you're there for years then surely you should get a percentage of the property worth if the worse were to happen.
Must be tempting though, sounds a lovely place for you and your children.

token amount towards bills. £250 quid a week, then food on top, hardly a pittance.

I'm afraid I would advice you not to do it!

I did exactly the same, single mum, 2 kids lived happily by ourselves for 8 years. Moved in with long term partner of 4 years and his kids (who were there part time) and that's when it all went wrong!

From the start we couldn't agree on anything - bills, kids, housework, good shopping.. you make it, we argued about it! I don't think either of us was being particularly unreasonable, it's just were so independent and used to doing things our own way.

After 2 years we separated and For the lads 2 years it's just been me and the boys. I can honestly say I've never been happier!!

Sounds like he wants a lodger with benefits who will also do the housekeeping and child-wrangling!

This.

Why do women do this? bangs head

He thinks you're going to look after his kids, his house, his shopping, his food, his washing and pay him for the privilege. Please don't be this naive.

OP, do you feel you would be doing the lions share of the chores?

Do you own your house? Just trying to establish what security you have if you need an exit plan.

1 year together is no time at all so please consider there is a 50:50 chance of it not working out.It is pessimistic just realistic as blended families is much harder work and needs more compromise and communication.

In some ways I see his point about bills, perhaps he worries you will have no incentive to use resources wisely but 1k euro is only relative to his monthly costs so he would need to share what his household expenses are.
50% would be reasonable but only if it allows you to exit if needed.

Don't get seduced by the large house and just ,be very pessimistic in your planning.

Thanks for all your comments.... does help a lot. At the moment I rent and pay a hell of a lot for doing so.

Moving in with (the man I love), I'd be paying a lot less than I do now. He's also very hands on, shopping, cooking, gardening, DIY, taking the kids to school, etc. He cannot manage the house though, it's dirty, in disrepair and a shadow of what it should be which is why I suggested doing the place up.

He agrees with nearly everything I suggest- disciplining the kids, decorating the house, holidays, food, when the kids go to bed....

He says he made a mistake asking me about the bills when I'd suggested paying £1000 a month to cover all (apart from food).... he now says if he can afford his new outgoings (paying ex wife) then he won't ask me for anything.

I don't want that scenario either - why wouldn't I contribute ??

And SleightOfHand, yes, that is why I'm taking the plunge - this is a dream house by anyone's standards - meadow out the back, terrace facing south and a glorious outdoor pool with a 500m2 house. Who wouldn't want that for themselves and their kids ???

Violetcharlotte, I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you but great that you've found happiness.

Personally, my kids are still young and I find being a single parent terribly difficult on all levels, plus I don't want to allow myself to get used to being alone. Facing the rest of my life alone, whilst perfectly feasible and not a tad miserable, is not the life I want. I want holidays and weekends with my man, cooking for each other -sharing life and life experiences. I too am happy on my tod but I do believe this is better for me.

I also agree that a year isn't long. But, at 48 and having been around the proverbial block and back again, I can honestly say he is my dream man. I couldn't imagine a man who

I didn't take the decision lightly in any way. I guess because he's so financially sound its not a big deal for him, whereas for me, I need clarification and reassurance about how things will be.

Life is short, he makes me happier than any man has ever done, he loves my kids like his own. His kids have grown to love me. He's a good, honest, caring, loving, intelligent, solvent man - I personally feel that's worth making an effort for.

If you both have two kids full time then half the food shop, power, utilities etc. How much would that come to? Then a CONTRIBUTION (say 25%?)but not half ofthe mortgage and money into a house do-up pot.

Where does that leave you?

MOMMAGEE, I'm not paying the equivalent of half the mortgage, I could never afford that, it's an expensive house. Half of the utility bills and running costs would be around £350/400 per month. Half of the food bill is totally normal.

A year when you both have kids is nothing. He's let the house get into disrepair and it sounds like it will bother you more than it does him. Do not pay for renovations.

Get a legal cohabitation agreement.

I think as long as you go into it running through worst case scenario with your eyes open and still think it for the best then great. Good luck to you.

What Are you paying on rent now? As you say you are getting a huge uplift in lifestye for less than you are paying now. You are not really giving anything up and and in a few years je might just put you on the deeds anyway.

As a guy reading this I can't help but feel like he's letting himself be financially used because he's seeing stars atm.

I think what's fair would be a situation where you move in and pay enough that makes it such that the financial burden on him is less than before while you're also paying less than what you are currently paying. If that's 500, 1000, 1500 or whatever, so be it.

To me a grand seems like a crazy amount but then in not used to running a big house.
Honestly it sounds like your suggestion is reasonable. £400 towards bills, £300 towards food, £300 towards the mortgage / maintenance which he'd have to pay anyway.

You're both better off than now

Thanks guys - you all raise valid points. BadHatter, he is absolutely not being used financially. I realise that sometimes we women have double standards in play, but not here. I'm proposing to pay £1000 which covers his remortgage to about 80% if not more. I'm paying half the food and half the cleaning costs per month. He cannot manage the house, which is why it's in a state. I've gone through the whole place, sorting, chucking out, cleaning, etc. -which he loves and greatly appreciates- as do his kids.

I don't have the financial capacity that he has which is why he's paying for painting and other renovations to HIS house. I have no stake in the house but am more than happy to contribute a chunk of change for having the pleasure or residing there with him and the kids.

The basis of all this is that we were both dumped by our ex-partners and crave a family unit with two loving adults managing things rather than one running around like an @r$e and just about surviving.

MommaGee a grand is a big amount but I pay £1450 for rent alone at the moment with huge bills (old, country cottage, stone floors, etc.) Obviously, I'm on my tod in paying these bills -as is he at the moment.

I don't see why it has to be exactly 50% if you don't earn the same. My boyfriend pays all the rent and I pay bills and food. He is definitley paying more but he earns lots more. I've offered to pay rent but he has declined. He's just glad I make my best effort to contribute.

USER, I agree. I'm not paying anywhere near 50%, it's a huge house with massive bills to go with it. I'm contributing the most I can comfortably afford. He now says that if he can afford to do without my contribution he will. However, food and cleaning will be 50/50 for the most part, BUT, again, it's nearly always him footing the bill for expensive luxury foods and champers, etc.

Gawd, makes me sound like Madame Bouquet !!!!

I like the sound of your man - looking after his lady, it's a very beautiful thing, treasure it !

Sound so like he wants a live in maid
The rent is very expensive
Don't do it!
Half bills on a massive house is going to be huge and should be part of the rent

Expressions such as 'dream man' give away that you haven't discussed practicalities of the move yet.
Will he bringing you breakfast in bed, do the cleaning and drop kids at school everyday? If not then he isn't your dream man.
Saying you have nice eyes and a load of romantic nonsense is not a dream man.
It is someone who wants help with their childcare.

Explain your basis for only paying 1k and see how he responds.

Sounds like you two are more than happy together so get this issue out of the way and do pay him otherwise resentments can set in later on

I think considering it's his property and you are buying your own food then your offer seems generous - be clear that you cannot afford more than 1k though

'Half bills on a massive house is going to be huge and should be part of the rent'

It will be, I'm not paying the bills, he is.

I guess if you live in a big house you need to look after that house. We'll have a cleaner, once or twice a week, but I'll look after the house (inside) whilst he manages the pool, land, fruit, etc. Sharing tasks. I actually prefer physical work looking after my home rather than going to the gym. There's no getting away from a certain amount of housework in any home - I don't have a problem with that - that's my active contribution to the household and the family.