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Original poster

life after divorce.... me and kids moving in with partner

98 replies

lemonbabe · 03/07/2017 14:03

Hi everyone, my deal is that after 4 years of being a single parent to 2 overly energetic and demanding youngsters - I've met a wonderful man who wants us to live with him - all good up till there !

He has 2 kids, same ages, a very healthy income and a large house, that he owns. Questions arose about who will pay what when we live together.... I'd mentioned paying him a 'rent' of £1000 a month and half of the food and cleaning bills for the house. Personally I thought this was fairly decent given he earns 3 times my salary, plus I have no rights to the house and we have no official ties.

When I mentioned these amounts his reply was '...and the bills?' I feel a bit like the lodger after him saying this. I hastened to mention that I was already paying 1000 EUR a month and that everything I put into the house in terms of work and effort to spruce things up and decorate would remain in HIS house should we part.

Is it me ? Am I being unrealistic ?

So difficult to know what is right and wrong in such a situation..... anyone who's been in a similar situation -your words of wisdom would be wonderful ;-)

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 04/07/2017 09:28

Well If you wanted to rent a 5500 sq ft house in most parts of england with land and a pool it would like cost more like £8000-12000 per month, so no, £1000 isnt much!

pinkdelight · 04/07/2017 09:30

If you're paying loads more for your rent at the moment it sounds like a fair deal to pay £1k rent and split food etc as you ageed, with a contribution to the bills but prob not half. If it's a heated pool those bills are steep! It all sounds quite reasonable to me, not sure where the free childcare fears come from, from what you've said he sounds decent and you sound smart enough not to stand your own ground.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2017 09:41

lemonbabe,

"Personally, my kids are still young and I find being a single parent terribly difficult on all levels, plus I don't want to allow myself to get used to being alone. Facing the rest of my life alone, whilst perfectly feasible and not a tad miserable, is not the life I want"

But you have managed to date and a year together in a relationship is a short period of time. The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone. The above are not really sound enough reasons to move in with him and his children.

What too if he shows that he is more laissez faire or easy going with his children than with yours; how are you both going to ensure that they are all treated equally?.

Would you at least be prepared to get your own legal advice on all this before you move in?. Do not let nicer surroundings and a pool here get in the way of making a sound judgment for you and your children.

Legalities are boring but important and this could all come back to bite you.

Are you looking to marrying each other in the longer term, has that subject been discussed?.

TatianaLarina · 04/07/2017 10:09

Loving someone and making a blended family work with two sets of kids of different nationalities are two completely different things.

I'm proposing to pay £1000 which covers his remortgage to about 80% if not more

Why the hell would you be covering 80% of his remortgage? What will you have to show for it?

I don't understand why when some women fall in love all reason goes out the window.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:23

Why the hell would you be covering 80% of his remortgage? What will you have to show for it?

His mortgage is tiny in relation to the house because he's been paying the mortgage off (they'd been paying) for the past 16 years and he did a tonne of work on the house himself. Today the house is worth around a million, there is no way on earth I could enter that house today and start paying half of that - I don't have those sort of finances.

It just so happens that the £1000 that I'm contributing goes against a percentage of what he still needs to pay to his ex-wife. £1000 is also much less than I currently pay for my own place right now.

OP posts:
CheesesOfNazereth · 04/07/2017 10:25

I don't think people are getting it. It's not about covering his mortgage or anything.
OP currently pays nearly 1.5k a month just on rent, for a cottage. If she moves in with him she will be in a mansion with pool etc, 1k a month for that is incredibly cheap. She's getting a much better home for a lot less.
Of course she won't have a claim on the house, its not her house.

TatianaLarina · 04/07/2017 10:28

It's not that much less OP. You pay off his remortgage, that's very nice for him, and what have you got?

If you never marry you have zero rights.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:29

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone.

Been there, done that... and gladly learnt from it. My kids' father made me feel that way over a period of 13 years - I ain't going back there in hurry, believe me.

I also had a 3-year relationship with a divorcee father of two, and during that time saw the worst side of blending families. On the subject of kids, he'd hear me out, agree and then go and do the exact opposite..... crisps after breakfast, taking food off other people's plates, sucking thumbs (aged 7), physical violence between the kids, bad language... you name it !

Helps having that benchmarch and that of my ex - this relationship is very different. We both wholeheartedly agree on parent solidarity in front of the kids for example. He allows me to lead on the discipline front since that is not his forte having had parents that were rarely present when he was a kid.

OP posts:
CheesesOfNazereth · 04/07/2017 10:29

She's got a lot more money in her pocket, a grand a month saved, and she's lived in a mansion.

Do people honestly think she should move in for nothing? So swap sex for rent then?

Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:35

If you never marry you have zero rights.

Yes, zero rights to his house, which he bought, half built, put family money into and did up. That's right.

My choices as a middle-aged single mother of two are:

a) stay alone, paying hi rent and big bills, doing everything alone, scrimping and saving for holidays and the like and spending a considerable amount of free time cleaning and washing cos I cannot afford a cleaner with my current status...

b) move in with the man I love, who happens to have a beautiful home. Sharing tasks, living together, helping each other, contributing to our family and our home - sharing our lives, leaning on each other

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 04/07/2017 10:36

Will you be able to save any money each month OP? You might need a lump sum one day.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:36

Cheeses: I wouldn't consider moving in for nothing - just not my style. I'm no freeloader, and I earn a decent living, I can afford to pay my way - you're quite right, why shouldn't I ?

OP posts:
CheesesOfNazereth · 04/07/2017 10:43

I know you're agreeing with me, I'm just surprised at how many others think you shouldn't be paying. Seems obvious to me.

You'll be so much better off per month AND you will have a lovely home to live in. Not sure what people are finding so hard to grasp about that?

wherearemymarbles · 04/07/2017 10:44

Tatiana but what is the op giving up? Nothing. If it goes tits up she can go back to renting. What is she getting for £1400 per month now? Nothing

So what should she be entiled to? Free everything or a stake in the house?? At this stage it sounds very fair, in 10 years time maybe a different scenario but that not what is being discussed

Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:47

what does OP mean :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonbabe · 04/07/2017 10:47

Old Person ?? :-)

OP posts:
CheesesOfNazereth · 04/07/2017 10:47

The Original Poster (starter of the Thread)

wherearemymarbles · 04/07/2017 10:48

OP I suspect some posters havnt really had to deal with a great mismatch in wealth so as you say dont get. Or they are entiled fannylodgers !

I wish you a happy ever after?!

egginacup · 04/07/2017 10:49

I think a year is way too soon. What do your kids think about it? Do they get on with his kids? Mine didn't even meet my new partner until we had been together for a year. I think you're moving way too fast, sorry.

beingsunny · 04/07/2017 11:03

It sounds like you have found a good relationship, keep talking together about what's fair and it seems that you will reach a place you are both happy with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2017 11:06

"We both wholeheartedly agree on parent solidarity in front of the kids for example. He allows me to lead on the discipline front since that is not his forte having had parents that were rarely present when he was a kid".

You have not really had to discipline his children to date because you have not been together day in day out.

He should now learn, that could become a real bugbear going forward.

Lemon, I wish you all the best with this but please consider seeking some legal advice for your own self before you take the plunge.

MommaGee · 04/07/2017 11:40

I never get why there always those on these threads who persist in the "he's just looking for a housemaid and childcare".
Maybe OP wants someone to do the laundry and cut the grass? Maybe shed funny and smart and great in bed and a wonderful mother and a compassionate partner and he realises he's damn lucky to have her and should make things official?

OP if the kids are all happy and you're bog happy go for it. Your financial plan seems sensible. Make sure there's money aside in case you do ever need to pay for a deposit on a rental.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2017 12:26

I note the house is in a state and it's him pushing for you to move in. Not the other way around. You're not there to facilitate his mortgage payments and repairs costs. You might get on better if you don't move in together for now, otherwise all sorts of resentments could come to the fore. Not least if you end up as nothing more than a glorified lodger + playing head cook bottle washer & childcarer too.

I doubt you'll be able to afford to live there anyway, with the extra money he wants from you. Just over a year isn't long for a relationship. Maybe revisit situation next year.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2017 13:00

Well it all sounds fine and dandy to me.
Sounds like you know what you are doing and you have your head screwed on.
I've no doubt it will all work out great!
Ignore the nay-sayers and people who want to piss on your chips.
It's a good set up and you've thought it through.
Enjoy!

WillRikersExtraNipple · 04/07/2017 13:06

I note the house is in a state and it's him pushing for you to move in. Not the other way around. You're not there to facilitate his mortgage payments and repairs costs

OP said SHE was the one pushing him to do up the house.

I doubt you'll be able to afford to live there anyway, with the extra money he wants from you
She'll be paying HALF of what she's paying now. Are you not following the thread?

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