My long term boyfriend called me a cunt

[MoreThanAMum80]

Long story short, I'm 37 and my boyfriend is 35...we have been together for 16 months and he has a horrible temper. I never know what will set him off and when. I strife daily to be the best girlfriend and go above and beyond for him by ordering him food, giving him money, traveling 2 hours to see him when I can, cooking, doing his laundry when I visit, you name it. He can go from totally laid back and normal to a raging a-hole in 5.2 seconds. On normal days he's supportive and attentive but passive aggressively nit picks and criticises everything about me, from my interests to my healthy eating to my parenting(he is not a parent) and choice in tv shows/movies. When he gets angry or if I stand up for myself, he always resorts to using my weaknesses, childhood traumas and really anything that I've confided in him in, to hurt me. It makes me feel unsafe and like I can't trust him with my emotions and heart. So last night I sent him a video of a holographic water fountain in Japan and captioned it 'babe watch this till the end. It's so cool!' He then texted me and said 'that was a waste of 4 minutes of my life. Why would I care about a god damn water fountain? You made it sound like it would be exciting.' Then demanded that I apologize for wasting his time and misleading him to think it would be an exciting video because he could have been studying for that 4 minutes. I refused to apologize and that escalated to him calling me a cunt among every other insult in the book. I broke up with him. I always make excuses that he's in med school and stressed out because boards is coming up but I just don't see how you can speak to the woman you love like that on a regular basis and I'm at my wits end and left. I know it was the right thing to do but I just need some reassurance from my fellow mums My oldest daughter who is 16 can't stand him but my youngest who is 9 is absolutely crazy about him and she's devastated that I ended it but I can't have them growing up thinking that's how they should be treated.

He is an absolute dirtbag.

Well done for dumping him. You are 100000% right.

Err well that couldn't be more clear cut - you should split up. Are there any reasons why you wouldn't?

Just read it again - Jesus, he sounds like the nastiest person in the world.

Well done for ending it, MoreThanAMum80. He sounds even worse than my ex, the father of my dd. Using confidences to criticise you is the lowest of the low.

If you can't see that he is a horrible, abusive person, I fail to see how any of us can help you. Take the blinders off and dump this asshole.

Christ, the only cunt in this scenario is him! Don't go back to him.

He's gross. Yay for you moving on. He sounds like a vicious asshole.

I left him and have blocked him on all social media. The thing about someone who abuses you is when it's good, it's great and they feed you little morsels of affection and acceptance, then turn on you in a heartbeat with no warning. He was a different person with my kids and everyone else. But it seemed in private, he hated everything about me. But sometimes he made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world. It's the purest form of emotional and mental torture. That's why I finally came to my wits end and left him. For good. I could feel my fire burning out

@KoalaDownUnder yes, when I re-read it out loud it makes me cringe. And what's worse is that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's just nice to hear reassurance from other women. I lost most all of my friends because of him so I don't have much of a support system anymore

I know it's advice that gets trotted out all the time on here but have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme OP? It sounds like you've already started to recognise the cycle of abuse (the feeding you morsels thing) but I think it might really help you to avoid this kind of man in your future relationships. Here's a link for more info www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ you can do the course in person or online, in person is better if you can get there but either way it's worth doing. And yes, you have absolutely done the right thing dumping him, he sounds incredibly cruel and abusive. Hope you're ok

@Hidingtonothing I will definitely check that out. Thank you! I'm kicking myself because I saw red flags from day one but I kept making excuses for him and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I've definitely learned what I WON'T tolerate the next time around and I know how much I deserve to be treated well. I have too good of a heart to waste it on an energy sucker like him.

Don't kick yourself, it's not a bad thing to trust your partner and it's not your fault he wasn't deserving of that trust. There's things you can do to help yourself to make better choices though and that's where the course comes in. It can be a good way of dipping your toe back in the water socially if you do it in person too, lots of women in a similar boat, could be a way to start rebuilding that support network he ruined for you.

Have a think about trying to get back in touch with your old friends too, they might not all be receptive but it can't hurt to try and they might welcome you back with open arms now you've ditched the source of the problem.

In the meantime MN can be a brilliant support, we're here if there's stuff you need to talk through or feel yourself weakening and thinking about taking him back and need talking out of it. It's hard work being strong and kick-ass all the time so don't be surprised if you have some low moments and don't be afraid to come and talk if/when you do

Ive been there to Op, and I promise you it will get easier. I ended it with my abusive ex (very similar to yours, played on my weakness's to cause max pain and control). Abusive exs can be addictive as what you say about when its great its great but when its bad its dire, just remember that no matter how great the good times there will always be a bad and each bad will get worse and worse.

After a month of no contact you will feel a lot better and after 6 months you will have moved on to a better place, keep strong and keep moving in the right direction to reclaim your life x

He sounds like an actual nightmare. Well done for getting rid of him.

First - he's the only cunt in this scenario

Second - well done on getting rid of him, you know deep down his behaviour would have got worse... it's not you, it's definitely him!

You've done the right thing.

"It makes me feel unsafe". This is reason alone to end the relationship.

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards. You do not need a man in your life; you can feel like the most amazing person in the world all by yourself.

Btw, I wish we could reclaim the word 'cunt'. I hate that a word for vagina is seen as the worst thing you could possibly call someone. Cunts are wonderful things. Anyway, I digress!

Stay strong OP, you've done the right thing.

You've done the right thing, stay strong- it will get better!!!

You've completely done the right thing, OP. Well done. I was so relieved when you said you'd dumped him.

You have absolutely done the right thing here. This guy is quite clearly a bellend.

Sounds like a text book case of domestic abuse. Stay broken up, work on your self esteem and flourish. You deserve better
X

Also try reading the book living with a dominator. It's an excellent eye opener x

The thing about someone who abuses you is when it's good, it's great and they feed you little morsels of affection and acceptance

It's never real sweetheart. It's always an emotional game.

Do you feel you need permission to have dumped this snotrag? I hereby give you permission to dump him and every other snotrag who makes you unhappy.

Think of all the travel time, money and effort saved!