My long term boyfriend called me a cunt

[MoreThanAMum80]

Long story short, I'm 37 and my boyfriend is 35...we have been together for 16 months and he has a horrible temper. I never know what will set him off and when. I strife daily to be the best girlfriend and go above and beyond for him by ordering him food, giving him money, traveling 2 hours to see him when I can, cooking, doing his laundry when I visit, you name it. He can go from totally laid back and normal to a raging a-hole in 5.2 seconds. On normal days he's supportive and attentive but passive aggressively nit picks and criticises everything about me, from my interests to my healthy eating to my parenting(he is not a parent) and choice in tv shows/movies. When he gets angry or if I stand up for myself, he always resorts to using my weaknesses, childhood traumas and really anything that I've confided in him in, to hurt me. It makes me feel unsafe and like I can't trust him with my emotions and heart. So last night I sent him a video of a holographic water fountain in Japan and captioned it 'babe watch this till the end. It's so cool!' He then texted me and said 'that was a waste of 4 minutes of my life. Why would I care about a god damn water fountain? You made it sound like it would be exciting.' Then demanded that I apologize for wasting his time and misleading him to think it would be an exciting video because he could have been studying for that 4 minutes. I refused to apologize and that escalated to him calling me a cunt among every other insult in the book. I broke up with him. I always make excuses that he's in med school and stressed out because boards is coming up but I just don't see how you can speak to the woman you love like that on a regular basis and I'm at my wits end and left. I know it was the right thing to do but I just need some reassurance from my fellow mums My oldest daughter who is 16 can't stand him but my youngest who is 9 is absolutely crazy about him and she's devastated that I ended it but I can't have them growing up thinking that's how they should be treated.

Also you have two kids who will model from you. He's not worthy of you and he's not worthy of a place in their lives

I just want to say thank you to all you amazing women offering support to me and to everyone in need on this site. This world is a cruel place full of cruel people and it's nice to be surrounded, if only virtually, by good-hearted women willing to help others.

I've had a couple weak moments today of feeling sad but all I have to do is remember all the horrible things he's said to me and re-read all of your comments to keep me strong and on the right path

@Hidingtonothing I keep catching myself thinking of 'what else could I have done? Maybe I was lazy in some ways, maybe I didn't work hard enough, maybe I wasn't empathetic enough for his situation and could've given MORE of my attention and time, maybe I'm the one who's delusional and he's seeing things objectively.

Then I come back down to earth and realize that he has fucked up my mind so much that I don't even know reality from imagination anymore and it makes me angry and confused. Then I catch myself again and go through the same cycle.

I want to send him a nasty and uncensored email but he's not worth my energy, time or emotion. And I'm terrified of what explosive rage I would get in return. I just hope he realizes what he's missing out on, what he threw away and I hope to god that he's miserable without me and everything I brought to his sad life.

Sorry, haven't RTFT. Only got half way through the second sentence in the first post, and I'm at LTB.

@Seeingadistance what do those abbreviations mean? Lol

Do not engage with him at all, in any way whatsoever including sending emails. Plus you have two young daughters who he was charming towards, does that not ring possible further alarm bells.

You write of your abusive past, abusers test the waters. You have put up with stuff from him as you admit from early on because you are conditioned to be treated badly. It means that your boundaries need working on. It's unfortunate and why some people repeat a pattern and end up with multiple abusers. You are worth respecting but women with better self esteem would have walked away very early on. That's is not in anyway a criticism it's just very sad that a lovely woman like you who is extra caring, reading about the money given to him etc was sucked in to his horrible web.

Narcissism is bandied around rather too freely as is psychopathy but his behaviour indicates something is very wrong with him. The fact he can be charming but also evil, it's a toxic and dangerous mix. Plus people are surprised he is in med school, I'm not. People tend to think of abusers as rather knuckle dragging men of low intelligence. Abusers come in all forms and ones that are highly intelligent can do the worst work because they can emotionally cause the most damage.

I'm no expert but I did run a women's employment rights campaigning group a long time ago and we did touch on domestic violence.

The best thing would be to not date anyone at all for a long period and work on yourself.

Your bf sounds like my ex, if it wasnt for some of the details mentioned i would swear they were the same person.
You have just ended a highly toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. I didnt even know these existed until recently. Unfortunately they do and they are extremely emotionally damaging.
My ex called me a cunt many times, he would turn with no warning, he would always apologise after, be very remorseful tell me he would change. He never did, they cant.
Living with him was either like paradise or warfare. He would beg, plead me to give it another go, harrassing me, even refusing to leave my home. He would spend weeks putting me on a pedastool just to destroy me again when i either stood up to him or disagreed with him. But it was never his fault, he was a nice guy, he told me that all the time. It was because i was crazy or ungrateful, damaged, didnt know how to let a real man love me.
I am now waiting to appear in court after he attacked me, assaulted me badly and left me a bruised and broken mess. It starts with their nasty words but they are controlling bullies, they expect complete compliance and when their verbal abuse no longer achieves that they start using their fists.
For the sake of your children go nc. Change your number. Block him from everything he will not change, he cant. He will promise you the world and deliver a nightmare that, even if he doesnt turn violent, will cause you so much emotional trauma you wont recognise yourself.
The two things i noticed about your post op was firstly you explaining how much you do for him, care for him, try to look after him. Its never enough though is it? It never will be.
The second is you explaining away his behaviour 'him being stressed' He doesnt treat you this way because he's stressed, he treats you this way because he is an abuser.
Both of the above points are tell tale signs that his abuse towards you is doing damage,. Its hard but keep strong.

RTFT = read the full thread.

LTB = leave the bastard.

HTH. (Hope that helps... )

@IWishedIWasSomeoneElse @Peanutbuttercheese thank you guys for sharing. I REALLY need to be reading this right now to keep me strong. I feel so ashamed to have subjected myself and my girls to that for so long. And I KNEW better, somewhere down deep inside I knew all along but I ignored it. All of my friends and family hated him and warned me against him. I lost friends because of him yet I STILL ignored my intuition. I went into that relationship an strong, confident woman. I've come out feeling like a meek little shell of a woman. I took my daughter to our community pool yesterday and this very good looking single dad came up to me and was making conversation and flirting. The only thing that kept going through my mind was 'why does he want to talk to me? I'm not attractive enough or thin enough' and I couldn't even make conversation with him. I felt like an idiot he's torn my self esteem down so much that I'm in disbelief if a man gives me attention.

It's funny because any time I would show some strength or confidence, he would get very agitated and intimidated, then the devaluing would start again. Every. Single. Time. Whether it be aggressively or passive aggressively, it would happen.

I just want to be that confident, strong woman I was a year ago when we met. I know she's still in there because I feel glimmers of it from time to time.

Op, seriously you sound so much like me. Ive brought a child with special needs up by myself while working full time, running a home and educating myself since i was 16. I am in no way a weak woman, well i wasnt. I also knew that what he was doing to me was wrong,my gut was screaming at me but i allowed myself to ignore it. In one moment of clarity he told me everything he calls me is what he feels about himself. I knew then i had to get out, but i didnt, i stayed because i love him and for the sake of his child (long story). That decision could have cost me my life. Its very nearly cost me my sanity. But i will not feel shame for that. I cant, i loved him i wanted to make it right, fight for it, i cant regret that because i am a caring kind person who hates giving up on things. I am in therapy at the moment, its painful and i still have the court case to face up to but i have to believe i will rediscover me, otherwise he's won hasnt he. He has made me a victim of emotional and domestic abuse/violence. Its up to me to make myself a survivor of emotional and domestic abuse. You got this op but i plead with you not to put yourself in the dangerous situation i allowed to happen, cut him off like the cancer he is.

@IWishedIWasSomeoneElse your story of strength is so inspiring and I admire you for staying as strong as you have to heal and stay away from him. I never knew how hard it was to detach from an abuser until I really tried to. Today I'm feeling more down than I have since I left him on Saturday. I keep feeling guilty for abandoning HIM! I know it sounds crazy but that's where my mind keeps going and I have to keep pulling myself out of it. I feel bad for abandoning someone who calls me a cunt, a crazy bitch, lazy piece of shit, insults my parenting and every aspect about my personality and life! What is wrong with me?! It's only been 3 days and I'm fighting the urge to contact him but I absolutely will not.

One of the last things he said to me was that I'm a lazy gold digging cunt and that all I do is go to the grocery store and clean and watch tv. I'm a single mom of two girls with no help except for my ex husband so my life revolves around taking care of my girls and running my household along with working and I'm about to take on a second job in August not to mention keeping myself in shape and healthy. My dad helps me pay bills and keep my head above water. That's the only money I get. I find it funny that he called me that when I was basically his sugar momma, giving him money, food, sex, companionship, expensive gifts for his birthday and Christmas and anything else he needed that was within the realm of me being able to do for him. He was happy to take whatever I offered. He's a poor med student soooo, who's the gold digger in this scenario?! Certainly not me. Every insult he slung at me, in reality, described him to a T. Maybe he has a lot of guilt and insecurities because I gave so much and he gave so little, monetarily, emotionally and mentally.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just trying to work all of this out and have closure and convince myself that this is not my fault and it's his.

He sounds awful!
Is there anyway you can rebuild old friendships?

@altiara I've been working on one today. There are two that I don't want to try to rebuild because they way they sort of cast me aside and judged me because of my choices and hardships throughout the whole thing showed they weren't very good friends. I don't expect to be supported to do the wrong thing and stay in a toxic relationship but I don't want to be talked down to the same way they're bashing him for doing.

I keep finding myself missing him today and I want it to stop

It will stop eventually (the missing him/the relationship). Believe me, if you never had any kind of relationship with any man for the rest of your life, it would be better than staying in one with this shitshow.
Every time you find yourself thinking "fondly" of him, think of all the awfulness instead. It will help you get over it.

NCd for this.

My DH was in a relationship like yours which spanned over a long, long time. I'm so glad you're getting out and not a moment too soon

My DH is a wonderful, sensitive, caring man whose self esteem and confidence has been annihilated. It's coming back slowly with lots of help. I wouldn't wish what he went through and you on anybody. These abusers are abhorrent, they will never change. The FOG is lifting for him thank god.

I have to say I've never experienced an abuser myself but now I'm with my DH I absolutely get what these awful individuals are capable of. I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I wish you much luck and happiness and please, never go back

@Ava7Susan and why is that? I really hope you're not trolling because that isn't tolerated.

She's posted this on tonnes of zombie threads. Ignore her she's been reported as a spammer.

I would love to know how you’re doing now. When I read your post, it sounded like I was writing it. Did you date my ex? I’m kidding but geez it’s sounds like the same person. Anyway I’m day 5 of no contact w my ex of 5 years. He called me a cunt for the last time. That’s a term he uses for the women in the neighborhood that don’t like him. He started calling me that about a month in! And I always thought it was my fault 🤦🏻‍♀️ The first time he said it to me, it literally took my breath away. The reason I gave him for breaking up with him was that I would never marry a man who calls me cunt. Then I proceeded to throw him out of my home. I feel sad angry and mostly cold toward him. My son is 13 and on the spectrum and my ex even said awful mocking things about him, my recently deceased father ( trying to make me believe my dad who he’s never met didn’t love me), my job, my family, you name it. Every single vulnerability or real life problem was twisted into some grotesque shape by him and used like bullets in a gunfight. Nothing was sacred. I don’t know how someone could stoop so low and say things like that to someone they supposedly love. Anyway I know it’s over and I’m feeling that emptiness they (abusers) leave you with. I’m a shell of my former self. I know it will get better but I’d just like to know how you’re doing bc I need some support. Like you, there’s no one I can talk to.